Messages

I am really pleased that you are finding this thread to be helpful Zazu!

There is an excellent book about feelings of groundlessness, of uncertainty written by a Buddhist nun but very much in the self-help style of writing. No arcane scriptures or deep philosophy involved. It's called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Like all the best works it seeks to change perspective. In this case how we look at our own moments of groundlessness differently.

I have found that asking non cptsd people questions about their lives and having conversations about them to be a handy barrier. People are fascinated by themselves and are very flattered that someone takes such an interest. I find that "wall of questions" to be useful. Of course you have to take on board replies that are often long and tedious but hey, it's one way of doing it. A book I would highly recommend is "Manners from Heaven" by Quentin Crisp, the self described "Stately British Homo's" ... He was openly gay in 1940's London onwards and had the courage of a lioness. The book is about how to unashamedly manipulate others away from yourself and receive beneficial kickbacks from doing so. It is either a book about manipulating others or survival, depending on ones life experience. For us I believe it's the latter.

I hadn't realised until my diagnosis of PTSD - which I later realised was CPTSD that I had been so angry ALL my life. But up until that point all the anger had been driven inside, aimed at myself. I eas an angel to the world and a demon to myself. I hated myself for not being able to achieve the impossible...to be strong in the face of impossible odds. My anger was founded on guilt and shame which all fed into self hate.

When I got my diagnosis I was suddenly furious at my perpetrators. A fraction of all the anger and disgust I had given myself for decades finally made its way outwards and I fell apart with it. I didn't know what to do with it. Art therapy stepped in anf gave me a way of processing it healthfully before I did something stupid or gave myself another breakdown.

My anger now comes in flashes but I feel now that it is as much a cry for MY love towards those dreadful wounds.

My father actually found my distress amusing. He would laugh when I became upset. That was bad enough. To have grown around a control freak who could "turn off your air"... dear God. That we are all here today helping each other along is some kind of miracle we should all be proud of.

bheart - ace! I love the battered heart and the acceptance message...the path out of the woods but also acknowledging it ain't all peaches and cream because those woods can still be a scary place. I hope it helps to have some of that process out in the world, in front of you Thanks very much for sharing!

What is love to someone whose experience of it is as twisted as it gets?

Love for me was unrelenting pressure to believe stuff that made no sense to me whatsoever. And then being rejected, and much worse for it. Love as approval and acceptance was a stranger to me. So yes...I grew up into an adult that got love very wrong and mixed up.

About ten years ago I was offered a definition of love that really made sense to me. Not least because it compared love to what I thought love to be. It came from a Buddhist monk. He simply stated "love is wanting someone to be happy. Attachment is when we want that someone to make us happy."

I love the simplicity of that. What we went through was "love" in name only. I was there only to make others feel holy whilst I spiralled into *. No wonder we got love so wrong...because we were taught that "love" was anything but a wish for our well being and happiness.

Acceptance is key. As we are. I believe no matter how screwed up mind and even behaviour can be, our intentions are often right...and that we should respect that sincerity of heart. It's a starting point....

What do pigs use when they get ill?

Oinkment!

Excellent work Kizzie.

When I was around 15 I went through a few weeks of hearing constant screaming in my head. It faded, thank goodness. It was at a time when the abuse was at it's absolute worst.

Zuzu...I once had a sleep hypnosis CD. It never worked because when the narrator used the words "treat this voice as a voice you can trust" I would have a moment of pure, naked panic. Total block. Loving and accepting myself was like...loving and accepting *who* ?

Loving and accepting the screwed up mess of PTSD identified thought and feeling? Errrr....no thanks.

I think we have to look beyond that in order to feel something towards ourselves beyond the trauma.

All I ever knew about myself before 2005 (some 30 odd years of CPTSD) was hate. I hated myself...or rather I hated who I thought I was. I would tell myself many, many times a day how much I hated myself. Probably for not being able to handle the unhandleable as a child. I saw myself as weak and as guilty as * for not being impossibly strong. That was my idea of myself and I couldn't love it. Accept it. All I could do was look at it and try not to throw up.

Since then I have discovered that we are only who we think we are. That self is a very fluid, adaptive creature. And that we create ourselves from intent, deeds, aspirations...I was kind of lucky as I had such a severe implosion that my sense of self lay in tatters and the lack of that self, and even the lack of any other clearly defined self felt more like freedom than being lost.

Over the past few years my inner critics statement "I hate my life" has become "I hated my life" which is interesting. Perhaps if sometimes we do feel groundless, self-less we can see if that can feel liberating rather than scary? Perhaps.

I learned to love the mess and the pain and the ugliness not by seeing it as me but by seeing it as a wound. A wound to be healed with love.

I love mysteries but any displays of psychotic or similar behaviour are big trigger points for me; except for an amazing film called "Franklin" for some reason I can't give away as it would be a major spoiler of an amazing film. I like ambigous, open endings...happy endings and emotional scenes have me reaching for the hankies in two seconds flat!

Yogic breathing can really help. Very few of us use all of our lungs capacity, so there is always stale air at the bottom of the lungs - according to a yoga teacher I know, but it seems to make sense. A few minutes a day doing yogic breathing helps oxygenate the system and clears the head somewhat. Forgot to mention that which seems appropriate on a thread about brain fog.

bheart - honestly, talent is far, far less important than intent and process with this stuff. That's where the magic lays, not in producing masterpieces:-)

It's beautiful! Anyone out there I'd just like to say that talent doesn't matter when it comes to art therapy. Just get whatever is inside you onto canvas. Art therapy of that sort was amazingly helpful for me when I went through rage after my diagnosis. It was a way for me to process harmful feelings in a constructive and healing way. Thank you to everyone who has contributed towards this thread!

Cold room and warm duvet helps.

"To make an omlette one needs to have a full and frank discussion with the eggs" - The Thick of It.