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Confused Sailor, I know that feeling - I've had therapists yawn during sessions, make appointments and be no shows, try to get me to do things I didn't feel served my best interest, forget the most traumatic things I shared, even being told I'll probably never heal at a final group session. If it wasn't for my first therapist who set the bar so high, I'd give up trying but continue to search for my next Viola.

I had an experience with kindness recently that also overwhelmed me. I needed a statement of death for my dad (a man I miss for only a handful of pleasant memories) notarized. The young lady at the bank could've just signed it and I'd be off. Instead she asked intuitive questions about my circumstances and offered compassion almost bringing me to tears. I quickly replaced my sadness with humor so I can go about my biz and left. ,

I couldn't let her kindness go without acknowledging her. I picked a card with a cheetah on it and blank inside. I hand wrote the sentiment that like the endangered cheetah, compassion may be destined for extinction as well and encouraged her to keep cultivating it. I was thrilled when I received a call (she works at my bank) to tell me that not only was she appreciative, she took my card to her staff meeting and the boss shared it with the team. Kindness can spread 

I actually have two fully trained dogs.  I have a day dog and a night dog.  I started with one and they told me then they thought I needed two.  Even a dog needs a break from work.  So when my first guy got overwhelmed they urged me to get a second and it's been good.  There is a lot to understand about having a service dog. 

I'm hoping you could provide more specifics. What was the process for getting a service dog for emotional needs?  Was it a therapist who suggested you get a dog?  Where did you find the dog? Was the dog already trained or did you have to train or get the dog trained? Unlike an ESA (emotional support animal) I presume your dog where's a vest.

My cat was registered as an ESA and I took her just about anywhere. She passed away and am weighing the options about getting a service dog or getting a dog and registering the dog as an ESA (much simpler process I'm sure).

Thanks much,

 



I want to acknowledge your MILESTONE and encourage you to keep marveling at your achievement and focus less on analyzing it (guilty of that myself)

 

Hi,

It's been years of struggling to find the right psychotherapist and I'm about to start the search again. I chose my last therapist because he was male (given my history with not trusting men, I'm a woman) and his skill set was PTSD. It didn't work out between us because he didn't have the skills to treat CPTSD but he mentioned that his client base is usually men and believes most women with trauma issues seek female therapists.

I'm very interested to hear your insights on this.

  Zena & welcome,

I'm 65, am empathetic to your symptoms (I have them too) and have been in/out of therapy since I was 19. I've probably seen close to 15, even 20 therapists or support groups over my lifetime and am a strong believer in what psychiatry/psychology can achieve for mental/emotional health issues. It only takes one to help set you on the right path and for me that happened with my first therapist. Everyone since has not worked out for any number of reasons. Most having to do with just not being the right fit or some twist of fate stepped in the way terminating the relationship (no reflection on their skills). There were a few who showed overt signs of incompetence early enough that I terminated the relationship before any damage could be made. I've learned over the years that if I felt triggered by something the therapist said, didn't say, did, didn't do, I would bring it up - more than once if I had to. Any good therapist would and should explain themselves, as well as apologize if they were out of line.

However, there were two that were particularly damaging to my recovery and left quite an impact. One, at our final group session, went around the room and shared her perspective on each of our progress. I won't repeat what she stated about me but suffice it to say that jaws dropped. The other was recent and this site got me through that. I knew I wanted to end the relationship (which may not be what you want) but didn't know how. I took the advice of a member and sent her an email elaborating on why I felt the need to terminate the relationship. As diplomatically as I could, I explained why I felt unheard and humiliated by her. She quickly called and offered a sincere apology while also admitting that she didn't have the level of expertise to meet my needs. She also offered a referral. I was grateful. While they both impeded my recovery, I believe those of us with CPTSD have incredible resilience – so they didn't damage my psyche.

Do not believe you are a failure when the truth is you survived the odds and that makes you a success. I have to wonder though when you say she was frustrated that perhaps she was inferring about herself rather than you? I hope this helps....    

Lingurine, I hadn't considered a psychiatrist. Adding them to my research list .... Thanks!

  Julia,

As one who has been in and out of therapy over the last 40+ years I can tell you with absolute certainty that finding the right therapist takes a lot of hard work, and exhaustive amount of time. Or if the universe happens to be on your side, you might get lucky as Three Roses did. My therapy began at 19 when the universe was on my side and I found an amazing therapist who had the right combination compassion but knew when to push me. Moving out of state is why our relationship ended.

I've had many therapists since – some whose methods were ineffective for my needs (no reflection on them) and others who were downright incompetent or worse still, left me feeling worse than when I started.

I found one last year who I finally felt I was on a good path with and though she didn't quite rise to the level of my first therapist was a close second. I was pleased with how things were going but she ran into personal problems and couldn't practice for a while. When she finally resumed practice, I went on Medicare – insurance she doesn't accept.

It took a while to find her and now I'm back to square one. There's no getting around it, you have to do the hard work. I thought I could circumvent the task of finding therapists who specialize in trauma and take Medicare by going to my GP for a referral but the only recommendations he had didn't accept Medicare.

I'm in your same boat. So I started compiling my own list of psychologists/psychotherapists by going to Medicare.gov and using their find a doctor feature. Perhaps your insurance carrier has such a feature on their site. If not, I'd recommend using psychologytoday.com – it provides the most comprehensive listing of practitioners than other's I've tried. After printing out the list (of about 25) I Googled each one of them to see if they had a website that provides info on whether they have experience with trauma, abuse and/or ptsd, how long they've been in practice, etc. I would also check their credentials on psychologytoday.com which provides a detailed listing of mental health issues they are practiced in. After doing all that I narrowed it down to 5.

My next step is to call each one to schedule a phone consult so I can interview them and get a feel for whether I want to take the next step with them – in person consult. With some you have to pay for the consult out of pocket while others are willing to do an in person consult through their insurance carrier. After the in person session is when I make my decision on who to go with.

Unfortunately for our level of complexity finding the right therapist is yet another challenge. But we have proven to ourselves over and over just how resilient we are and can step up to it. 

Thanks for the hugs Wife#2 and Elphanigh - they feel really good right about now. Elphanigh it's very important that you do all you can to not let the negative self-talk take control of your thinking. If your blanket brings you comfort stay with that. I have heard that it takes a 1000 "at-a-boys" to negate one negative thought. Hanging on to hope as in your statement "I hope I will" is good but I'd encourage you to start trying to switch from hope to believe. Along with your innocence, your belief system was stripped from you. Try to begin rebuilding it, even if you have to start from scratch. Drawing only on the positive side of your thinking, write down everything you know about yourself to be true. Add to it as you go, look at it every day. I did this during a retreat when I was in my early 40s. The retreat leader had us all write into a binder with tabs labeled, who am i, values, spirituality, love and other meaningful life components. This exercise helped me recognize a lot of positive things about myself – and seeing it in the written word is more powerful than thinking it. To add even more validation to what I already thought about myself to be true, I added a list I like to call "Evidence of Value" where I list relevant people who saw in me what I didn't see in myself. Do these things for you and your inner child because you're both worth it!   

Love this one....

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ William Morrow

Dear Elphanigh,

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better today after such supportive, insightful responses. They helped me as well! I drew some parallels to my own existence and have some healing experiences to share. You are not a Monster – You are a Survivor. I was insightful enough at 19 to recognize I had a very distorted perspective on who I was and what my reality was that I sought therapy and was fortunate to find Viola who truly helped me make sense of my existence and perspectives. She helped me to understand that we are not defined by our behaviors – behaviors can be learned and unlearned. We are defined by our core values. Goodness and evil exist in all of us. Children are full of goodness. Our goodness continues to grow when it's cultivated and nurtured by our caretakers in the proper way. Unfortunately, children are also easily exploited and those who haven't learned to gain control over their evil side take advantage (whether wittingly or unwittingly). You were a child and were behaving your way through a horrific situation because that's what the adults in your life were forcing on you. For some that goodness becomes permanently squashed but it seems for you, you stayed connected to your goodness because you're here and willing to face what happened. You're recognizing that you did monstrous things – which you were forced to do -  but that doesn't make you a monster. As an adult you now have the freedom to choose different behaviors that align with who you really are.

Speaking of hugging your inner child, I was having nightmares when I started with Viola. I shared one with her that I had of an emaciated, disheveled and malnourished little African American girl under the age of 10 who was crying uncontrollably.  Our eyes locked on to each other and she came to me arms open and I grabbed, held and comforted her for what seemed like forever. When Viola asked me who the little girl was, I didn't immediately think it was me since I'm Caucasian but the Aha moment came. There were lots of symbols there and they all pointed to me. Continue to be kind and gentle to yourself – it will take time to heal and recover from this and I believe you'll get there.     

I am close to running out of money, and yet I'm so "frozen" that I have made little progress. Being around my parents at this stage of my life is really rough.

How to get out of this emotional state and be able to move forward??? Where do I get the motivation?

Hi SE7, 

I share a similar history (both parents and older sister are narcissists) though I'm in my 60's. I too am in the process of reclaiming my life and my finances because 7 years ago I allowed my life to fall apart after becoming the legal caretaker of my abusers. I pray and do all I can to make sure the day never comes that I have return to their home. With geography and a space to call my own, I at least stand a chance at fulfilling dreams I know I still have. If I moved back with my parents I would not only lose sight of my dreams, I would lose my soul and my spirit. Me as I know me would fall to the abyss.

Living with your narcissistic parents is more than really rough – it's damn impossible to stay true to yourself. I'd encourage you to do a few things while you're in this situation. Google search "emotionally distance yourself from your family". There are a multitude of articles to read through that might help you. You can't change them, but you can change how you react to them.

Surround yourself with people of similar interests. If you're in a "frozen" state you may not know what those interests are anymore. You're young and if you live in the US you might know of MeetUp.com. Just browsing through the various categories might invoke that feeling where you want to explore it further. If you can, join a support group. It doesn't have to be a cptsd group (though that would be great). Any kind of group might be helpful at this point – women in career transition, a political group, get involved in your community, do some volunteer work. Do anything to get you focused on something else and not your parents. It needs to motivate you enough to get out of the bad neighborhood you're going to end up hanging out in inside your head. I went on a weekend intensive retreat when I was around your age that I found extremely helpful.

A small workbook I haven't finished yet but do find helpful is The Hard Questions for an Authentic Life by Susan Piver. It forces you to think about what matters to you. The other thing that's important, actually imperative, is that you remain connected to your own set of values and what makes you valuable. Years ago I began a list for myself called "Evidence of Value". Every so often I look it over and even add to it. I know I have a weak belief system because of my traumatic history so for me I need more than just listing what makes me valuable, I list the evidence along with it. I don't just say "I'm bright", I say "in college, I won a competition against 200 other candidates to represent my school while studying abroad for a semester". Begin your own Evidence of Value list – you'll find you are way more amazing than you realize. It's a long, hard road to reclamation but it's worth it and come here as often as you need for hugs and nourishment along the way. 

I'm weary of putting on the fake smile and the empty "Fine, thanks, how are you?" routine. This is so hard when I'm in a really bad way and need emotional support.

I hear you Autumn and welcome.  Both parents are narcissists, so is my older sister. At 65 it hit me like a ton of bricks  how many of my close friends are narcissists. I find most people ask just because it's an alternative to saying hi or are being polite but really don't have the time to listen or are interested in your answer. We've also become less interactive with each other thanks to technology. As an example, I went to the snack stand at the movie and overheard the young man behind the counter say to the customer in front of me after collecting the money "have a magical day". The customer gave no response. As I approached I said "for a moment I thought I was at Disney" to which the young man responded "I've been saying that to customers all day and you are the only one who responded."

I have found that it's generally not safe to share – most people can't handle it. I learned to be discerning who I share my response with if I really want to be heard. How do I discern? Do their eyes connect with yours? Do they offer a gentle touch. If you make a statement that has a hook to it do they take the bait? For example, if someone says "how are you" (could be a stranger, acquaintance, friend, family or medical practitioner) and their eyes are engaged with mine, I might respond with I could be better, or last night was rough, or I'm having a rough patch at the moment. If they respond with "oh really, how so?" I'll share a bit more. If they're asking questions by then, you have the attention of someone who really wants to know and listen. If instead they start sharing some "me too" statement, I know I don't have a compassionate listener, make light of my original statement and excuse myself.

Value yourself, you deserve to be heard.  True listeners are few. Just as a P.S. I recently purchased a recording device the size of a flash drive. When I have the need to release what I'm feeling and there's no one around to listen, I speak to the device and play it back. I find I'm a very good listener - being a nurturer, I would guess you are too!

It's taken me a couple of weeks to work up the courage to post here.

New here too SoulSurvivor and welcome. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back for your courage.  Too often those of us with cptsd are so focused on what we haven't done or our flaws that we don't reward ourselves for our achievements and what makes us unique! You've taken a huge step toward recovery by joining. 

After so many years of working with therapists in individual or group settings that didn't help matters much (some even made things worse), I feel the industry has finally developed a diagnosis I can agree with and relate to. At least now I know what skills and experience to look for in a therapist. Finding this site has been such a relief and I'm full of hope again.  Even my closest friend 50+ years doesn't know the depth of my pain because of how hard it is to talk about it. Bare your soul if you need to - people here get it. 

I'm aghast that people can be court-mandated to visit their abusers. Perhaps in time the new T will be willing and able to help you overturn that decision.

Perhaps I should make a point of clarification. I petitioned the courts to obtain legal guardianship over my Dad because I knew I'd win - at that point he was showing signs of dementia. I did this because up until then he continued to taunt and abuse my mother. And I only then learned that he had gained control of all their money and issued a new will giving their assets away to a distant cousin he barely knew. It was the only way I could rescue my mother's fair share of their estate as well as what should be his children's inheritance. As his legal guardian, I'm required to visit him minimally four times a year. Though the attorney knew the history, the abuse of my mother and children never came up in court. The petition was granted solely on the fact that he was no longer capable of taking care of himself.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words - it makes it easier to face the day. Today's my last day at my folks and looking forward to heading home