Just spent the last hour or so being invalidated by my significant other. Guess it's driving me to try here again, so I can see that that's good. I have no support system otherwise and I'm really struggling. So I'm just going to set this marker as a starting point and try to leave it here. If I can succeed at just that, it will be a big win for me.
This swamp of self-loathing is so suffocating. And silencing. Thank you all for being here.
hey, gentian,
an hour of invalidation, huh? how ugly and demoralizing. i'm glad you decided to come back here again. i think that's one thing to feel good about, a way to begin pushing that self-loathing back so it stops suffocating you.
we're here for you, you're not alone anymore if you choose to continue here. best to you. big hug.
Gentian, I am so sorry you had to sit through that, especially given it was someone close. I don't know why they do it... just not understanding the impact of their words I think, and being so far removed from what it feels like to have CPTSD, to have lived through what we have.
Remember you are strong and beautiful, and here we understand and support you.
Fen x
Thank you both for the replies. They mean alot. Becoming "visible" in any way is really hard for me, even online. Thank you.
**TRIGGER WARNING--emotional abuse during pregnancy, child abuse.**
Part of the invalidating episode--well, argument--I experienced with my SO had to do with his family. We are engaged, have been for 4 years, and have a 2 yr old together. To say that his family does not accept me is the understatement of the century. I understand that I brought my CPTSD to the table, but I also think anyone would be hurt by what I experience at their hands, and I think they are malicious in their intent, while my SO excuses it away as them being bumbling or else just innocently clueless, and me being oversensitive.
So maybe I'm putting this here in hopes that I'll look back on it someday from a healed place where they can't get to me anymore. And maybe also it feels subversive to tell about it at all. I usually keep this stuff to myself. I'm trying to find some guts and empower myself.
An example of my SO's parents' behavior that makes me not trust them: We lived with them a short while in the beginning of our relationship and for the first 5 months of my pregnancy. I was being unsuccessfully medicated for hyperemesis gravidarum and had hemorrhaged--and I do mean hemorrhaged, not just a little typical pregnancy spotting--3 times by the 4th month. I was already a high-risk pregnancy when this started happening. Each time I hemorrhaged I was dizzy and weak and the doctors doubted I was still pregnant afterwards. I was bedrested. And somehow my little fighter held on.
For some reason, I also feel the need to explain that I didn't ask for any special treatment and kept quiet about my troubles. I was not "high maintenance". In fact I was taking care of SO's two kids from his prior marriage. However, his parents were aware of my pregnancy problems because of overnight ER visits that required they watch the children, and we told them about the vomiting problem.
I was usually alone in the house with my future FFIL, who's retired, while my SO was at work and the kids at school. One day FFIL cooked hamburger, which turned out to be the worst vomiting trigger I had ever encountered. I was miserable with sickness and fear that I would miscarry. I apologetically asked my SO that night to please ask his dad to hold off on making *just* hamburger until I got my vomiting under control (I did this because FFIL had already been needlessly hostile to me on many occasions and I was afraid to ask him directly). FFIL responded by putting hamburger in the crock pot the very next morning after my SO left for work. In fact he did this for the next 5 days in a row.
He had not cooked hamburger in the entire 4 months prior.
I went into freeze mode and instead of confronting him, hid in my room with a new air purifier we couldn't afford going full blast. So FFIL suddenly had to open our door over and over. And over and over and over. And leave it open.
My SO not only ate the hamburger each night, but to this day still won't admit that it was mean and that I am justified in not trusting FFIL. What SO actually said last night was, "It's not like he hit you with a hammer! It's not like he raped you!" This only comes up because I still have to see and interact with his parents a couple of times a month to keep the peace in my relationship.
It makes me feel like an utterly worthless human being. I come from a background of severe childhood abuse and don't know how to act in the moment to defend myself. When my stepmom ordered me into ice baths as a child, I just obediently got in and stayed submerged. I can take ridiculous abuses without any reaction at all. I don't want to be like this. He could have killed my child in utero.
I apologize for the details. I don't know how to tell the story without them.
I'm so sorry to read this Gentian. This level of disrespect and more than just passive aggression really gets to me.
Speaking up about something that is causing stress - not placing blame with the person who may be doing it - is not a personal attack on them and not an invitation to ramp it up.
Its immature and self centred. And yes I get it a lot too. Its when I feel truly helpless.
No need to apologise at all
:hug:
I'm sorry you went through that. FFIL sounds very immature and what he did was cruel. I don't think I would like it at all if my SO didn't support me in such a situation. You've been through enough; you don't need to deal with that kind of behavior as an adult.
You are in a tough spot with having to deal with them a couple times a month-especially if FFIL triggers you because of your past. Are you in therapy? You really need some support in all of this and to find ways to deal with both your SO and future in laws.
you found the guts, gentian, just by writing about it, so kudos to you.
one of my least favorite things to hear from someone is 'you're too sensitive'. i heard a response to that which i really liked - 'i'm sensitive enough for me, thank you very much.' who is anyone to tell us what level of sensitivity we 'should' have? that kind of stuff ticks me off. i had to educate my hub about that - he spent a lot of time on the streets so he grew a pretty thick hide, had different experiences than i.
sending lots of support and encouragement your way to some day be able to stand up for your rights and boundaries. you deserve that, you're worth that. thanks for sharing. i've got some righteous anger going on on your behalf. i think what you've gone thru is terrible. big hug to you.
Gentian.... Sounds like you're dealing with someone (your FFIL) with a personality disorder, maybe NPD. People who get enjoyment out of cruel behaviour are not normal.
I don't think you should have to stay over with your future in laws at all. These people are disrespectful and most importantly...harming your recovery.
Sending support. :hug: You are strong enough to get out of this.
Thank you all again for the kind replies. The desire to delete this thread is as strong as the old desire for a smoke when I was quitting cigarettes for the umpteenth time. lol. I'm grateful to you all.
Thank you JDCooper, I'm not in therapy. I think about it all the time but back away whenever I start looking at names and profiles of local therapists. It's a goal of mine someday.
Fen Starshimmer, I've often wondered that exact thing about FFIL many, many times. It's a relief to hear someone else suggest it because there have been so many weird incidents and they all revolve around FFIL humiliating me behind SO's back. The sad thing is that he shames SO too all the time, right to his face, pointlessly, and SO doesn't stand up for himself either. In fact it seems he should be here too, sometimes.
In fact at christmas, SO agonized over what to buy his parents, and chose a really thoughtful gift. FFIL opened it, acted angry and then immediately asked for the receipt so he could "take it back". SO immediately demonstrated what I now understand are fawn behaviors. It was painful to watch.
it really is horrible to watch someone we care about being treated badly. when you think of it, if you were outside yourself for a minute, you'd see the same thing happening to you - how horrible would that be to watch?
i'm glad you didn't delete, gentian. it's a powerful thread, full of honesty and vulnerability. maybe that's why it's uncomfy for you. i know that feeling of wanting a cig after i've stopped. i still get them. they're a pain, but i've now got more reasons not to have one than i used to. it seems like you're putting steps forward for your recovery, which can feel uncomfortable. i hope you'll be able to get to that therapist one day.
in the meantime, we're here for you, rooting for you. i have faith. keep taking care of you. :hug:
Thanks San. :hug:
This is long, and may be triggering for some. I am just getting it all down somewhere.
I timed her once--my stepmom. Three hours. Three hours spent in red-faced, spit-flying, vein-popping "lecture" for something I'd presumably done, I don't remember what now, it was almost always a manufactured ambush anyway. I was fourteen. I'd been kneeling on the floor without moving for so long my legs were useless dead things beneath me, but I didn't dare move because to even look at her invited even more crazed screaming and pacing.
It was ten p.m., and the house had gone dark as everyone else had fled to their rooms hours prior and my stepmom hadn't stopped yelling long enough to turn the lights on. My Dad was there somewhere, along with stepmom's three teenage kids, my older sister, and three young foster kids. Eight witnesses to this particular tirade, and not so much as a look of acknowledgement the next day. The house was small, and she had screamed until her voice broke, like she always did. But everyone always pretended it hadn't happened, even though it was a daily occurrence for me. She never yelled at her own kids, but I'm pretty sure the foster kids also caught it regularly. I often felt sorry for them that they had to live with her full-time while I could escape periodically between visits.
Of course, "escape" is a relative term, as I was going back to my stepfather and grandfather. But that's another blog.
She had this way of setting upon you that you could never foresee or avoid. If you walked through the room demurely, she'd accuse you of pouting. If you walked brightly she'd want to know where the attitude came from. There was no winning. She'd find something wrong or broken in the house, or you'd get scapegoated by one of the other kids, or you'd have a need and simply have to ask her a question--and she'd start questioning you in short, sharp barks: Who do you think you are? Do you do this at home? You are going to ACT like PART OF THIS FAMILY! And show me some RESPECT! Then it was on, and the spittle was flying.
When I was very young, around four, I'd break down and cry during these episodes (you were required to stand at attention in front of her). I tried not to. But this would send her over the edge. Then I was throwing a TEMPER TANTRUM! Don't turn on the tears, Gentian, that doesn't work HERE! AND STOP GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS!
The irony of her "temper tantrum" accusation is not lost on me. And I tried so hard to wipe my face clean of any expression whatsoever; to this day, I do not know what the "dirty looks" accusation was even about. I like to think it was because I knew that what she was doing was wrong, and I was too young to keep it from my eyes, and she couldn't stand it.
One of her favorite interrogations was WHY DID YOU DO IT? ANSWER ME! Of course, because I hadn't actually done anything, I had no idea how to answer, plus I was literally scared stupid. Without an answer, she'd go on, and on, and on...in a moment of inspiration one night I squeaked out "Because...I wanted to?" And this admission of my rotten character seemed to satisfy her. "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" She bellowed, and I scurried away in such relief. Shortly thereafter, I heard the foster kids using my line during lectures to successfully purchase their own release, so I know they heard every word. It's one of the ways I knew there were witnesses.
Oh Gentian, I'm so so sorry to hear you were treated this way! You should never have been the target of her anger like that, a scapegoat or whipping child for her pent-up rage.
She sounds a lot like my F. Those lectures could come out of nowhere! And literally for nothing. Breathing wrong, or just that he thought I was doing something that I wasn't.
You should have been nurtured, encouraged, protected, loved. There was every reason for you to be treated well, and no reason for you to be so abused. You were just an innocent child!
That child exists within you still. Gentle hugs to you! :hug:
how horrible, gentian. that really sucks. i'm so glad you're out of that now. i hope you can be kind to yourself, and that you now have kindness surrounding you. you so deserve it.
Thanks Three Roses and Sanmagic. It's deeply embarassing to talk about this stuff even anonymously. Trying to go about my life like I haven't done it. lol. Just these two little stories, and I'm fighting the urge to bolt from this site daily. In fact have been avoiding responding out of embarassment. I hope you understand.
I'm sorry to hear you got similar treatment Three Roses. It's a terrifying way to live. I've always felt that she affected me more deeply than even the sexual abuse. Though I have absolutely zero interest in talking about that so maybe I'm fooling myself. lol.
ya know, gentian, i totally get it, the embarrassment thing, but i also wonder to myself (i've felt the same way at times) why be embarrassed about someone else's bad behavior? i remember having a party and my hub#1 got real drunk and decided to streak the party. i was so embarrassed. when i think about it, what did i have to feel embarrassed about? he's the one who did it (and did it badly - he tripped and fell in the middle of it). at the time, i couldn't even face my friends one more minute, and i got in the car and drove around for awhile, hoping everyone would go home. i didn't want to see anybody because of what he did.
why is that? i don't understand the underlying dynamic of it, at the same time i understand the feeling. i didn't do anything to be embarrassed about, and from what i read, neither did you. yet, that's exactly what happened. that's the part i don't get. do we think that we're responsible for the behavior of others to the point where, if they act badly, somehow it's our fault? i don't know. but i've had several instances like that in my life, too.
anyway, i'm glad you haven't bolted. it sounds like you've been holding onto a lot of mistreatment that doesn't belong to you in any way, shape, or form, and you're beginning to let some of it out. this stuff is hard, no doubt, but as we go at our own pace, small steps, taking little chances (like you have) recovery will happen. you're on your way. i certainly hope you keep posting. you're worth it. big hug.
Thanks San, that makes alot of sense. I suspect as I progress that what i call "embarassment" is actually shame.
I woke up early again this morning with that terrible feeling weighing me down. I hate waking up because of it. It feels like the most tortured grief I've ever experienced, amplified within my torso somewhere. It is painful, as though someone died, and I have just forgotten who. I am so foggy and confused at first, trying to orient myself around it and running mentally through my recent history trying to figure out what happened.
But there is nothing. There almost never is. I am blessed to realize no death, or breach of relationship. No explanation. Just a hollowed-out, painful center. I've always launched frantically into silent prayer (begging) at this time, or else mental distraction via books, tv or the internet. For the first time, I tried to lie still and just feel it instead.
It hurt, physically. My chest region mostly, like my core had been hollowed out and my own susbstance replaced with this pain business. It actually migrated from my chest down into my abdomen. It was relentless and solid and exquisitely painful to just lie in bed with it, thought-stopping the inner critic that was screaming that I was going to die a horrible and premature death, leaving my grieving preschooler an orphan in foster care; my critic used to be about self-loathing and mockery, and was quite cavalier about whether I lived or died. Now that I have a dependent whom I love more than life, it has turned quite vicious with visions of horrible things happening to her if I should die, and it turns every little ache or abnormality into cancer.
I don't know long I lay with it, but I didn't run from it, and I somehow actually fell asleep again. When I woke up for the day, it was gone like it had never been. This is it's m.o; ambush, then disappear. This is the first time I've stopped running and turned toward it, though.
I've always been (ignorantly, I'm sure) envious of people who experience depression as feeling nothing, because mine has always been so painful. That's before I knew what it actually is, though. I thought I was just innately flawed mentally, and accepted my diagnosis of major depressive disorder. But CPTSD makes so much more sense and gives me something to work with. Thank you, Pete Walker.
shame rather than embarrassment. somehow, that does ring a bell. once again, tho, why should we feel shame for the behaviors of others? is that something innate within us, or something we've been taught? i don't really know.
gentian, what a dreadful feeling you describe. i wish you didn't have to go through it, but i'm glad it goes away and doesn't stay with you all day. kudos to you for staying with it, staring it down, as it were. i believe you're taking some of your own power back. well done!