Out of the Storm

1st entry.  16 Jan 2017.

I have a weird feeling inside today. I can't name the feeling and I think I would struggle to describe it. I feel part sad, part confused and partly just too busy with thoughts yet I can't seem to really describe anything, it is odd.

I am disappointed in myself because I ended up drinking when I went to the meal Saturday night when I didn't plan to.  I've felt bad about it since and feel weak for giving in when I had planned to stay strong. I feel embarrassed at myself for the fact that I knew she would approve of me having a drink which is clearly why I did it – although I didn't consciously think that at the time.. well not entirely anyway. It's that bloody power and control over me thing again and I HATE IT.

I feel like a weak little puppet who should know better. Why can I feel so strong and empowered some days and so weak and vulnerable others?

Then I feel bad when I write stuff like that because I am meant to be working on being nice to myself and not letting the inner critic take over etc – so many things all conflicting and they are all hard work.

I feel like if I sat alone with my thoughts for more than a few seconds, I could cry but I am at work and keeping busy to get through the day. I don't like this feeling.

Last night [other half] had to phone his ex-wife and he went upstairs because my sister was round. I got instantly angry and felt miserable and insecure and stayed feeling that way for about an hour or so until I decided to write out my thoughts and what was going on inside. I realised that it was jealousy and insecurity (obviously) but I also worked out that its because I am constantly hypervilgent for real or imagined (in this case) threats  - clearly it triggered me to imagine I would end up abandoned. All because he spoke to his ex-wife on the phone – and then I berate myself for it... so I realised and managed to pull it back by being kind to my "inner child" rather than nasty and tell myself all these feelings I have to deal with are because of things that happened to me, because of her and that I wasn't born feeling these things – they aren't my fault. I am not to blame.  Luckily, I did manage to climb out of it. Today though, I feel stupid for it (which I'm not meant to feel so then I feel double bad!).

Since Thursday, my moods have fluctuated so much. Thursday afternoon after and evening counselling I cried on and off, I felt sad.  Friday I took holiday from work to be home on my own – that is what I needed. I cried a few times but nothing as bad as other times.  I was craving something – I needed to be surrounded by my "things" my comforts.  I got into my onesie, I got a hot water bottle, my teddy, my magazine and my kindle. I slept a lot, I had a long, hot, bubble bath and I just hid away. I felt like I needed "nurturing" if that makes sense. I actually had a dream over the weekend that I was asleep and [other half's] mum was stroking my cheek as I was sleeping – a bit embarrassing but I guess that is exactly what that was about too.

Then I saw her (mother) Saturday night – I start doubting whether it's all real and true again – which really is annoying because I felt so great the other day.

Then I wake up today, back to sadness and this horrible cloudy feeling of whatever it is.... Why are things so hard? Why does any of this even have to be.. to exist.. why is it there in the first place aghgghghghghhg.  :'(

Tuesday 17th Jan, 2017

I sent therapist my post "I hate it" yesterday.  After writing it, I ended up crying my eyeballs  out in the loo at work.  I then had to hide in there for ages to try and de-redden my face which is pretty much impossible because it stays red and blotchy for ages after I cry. 

Anyway, at the time of sending it, I felt desperate, needy, vulnerable, weak and extremely sad.  However, I did say in the email that I didn't need/want a reply and I didn't even want to be made to feel better. Just wanted to say it out loud (well, write it) because otherwise I will "put it away" which I always tend to do.  I tend to bring my adult self to therapy and am very rarely vulnerable or emotional there.

She did reply, when I was in bed late last night and said she was hearing my sadness etc and that we would talk about it on Tuesday (tonight is therapy night) - now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for sending it because I'm not right there "in it" anymore... I hate that feeling.

hey, twink,

i'm glad you sent that email, and i'm glad you got that compassionate reply from your t.  i think you took a step there in a forward direction.  i know it can feel embarrassing and frightening to begin being vulnerable, but i don't believe you were stupid to do it.  i think a part of you wanted to open that door just a crack, and you let it happen.  that took courage that you might not have realized you have.  for that i applaud you.

good luck in therapy tonight.  i hope it goes well. 

Hey sanmagic7,

Ah thank you. I guess you are right, thank you for the encouragement.  I went last night and she didn't say anything bad at all about me sending it, she didn't laugh or ask me not to email her or anything that I might have been scared of (she never has either so the fear really is quite silly).  I guess you are right though, the fact I wanted her to read how vulnerable I was feeling at the time is a step in the right direction... next step is to try and allow my tears to come and stop choking them back.... that's my next journal post funnily enough.  :stars:

Journal Entry - 18th Jan 2017 (some triggers in this about violence)

I went to therapy last night and we discussed my email ("I hate it all").  She said she could really hear the pain I was in and I told her that since I saw her last Thursday and had my "big revelation" I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening sad and teary. I told her that I booked Friday off of work to be home alone which is what I felt I needed.  She said she understands that sometimes when I am feeling like this, I need to be alone to try and process some of it. I said yes, and that the real world is just too hard when I just need to not have to try and be an adult at times like that. I needed warmth and sleep and stuff.  She seemed to get it.  I said I was okay over the weekend because the kids kept me busy (step-kids stay at weekends) - and she nodded as this is usually the case.  I said come Monday, I felt a bit down again and I wasn't entirely sure what my thoughts or feelings were so that is why I wrote my journal and that journal lead me to the I hate it all post/email to her.  I said after I wrote it, I cried my eyes out in the toilet at work.  She said that it was good I managed to write it out and good that I managed to cry and get in touch with it/release it a bit.  She suggested that when I feel like that, exercise/something physical like a run might help to disperse some of the tension in my body. I said I used to but I have a problem with my foot at the moment - plantar fasciitis and am having physio for it so I can't.  She spoke about the mind/body link and was quite interested in how I have developed this during my struggle in therapy as the feet symbolise walking - advancing etc.

She spoke about how [another word for "staying with" or "allowing"] the feelings was all I needed to be able to do and that I don't have to find the answers of what to do to get rid of them - she made reference to the fact I said I wasn't sure if I needed to cry, scream or run away.  Basically trying to find a way to rid myself of the bad feelings.  I understood this but said I don't like how it feels and so I like to try and figure out what the feeling is, why it is and then how to get rid.  I hadn't really thought about why I do this before but I guess its a control thing somehow.

She then asked me where the sadness/tears were... this is a very common question for her. I said, I don't know. I said it is there - I can feel it. She nodded and said she could see it sitting in the bottom of my eyes.  I said that I can feel the sadness, I can feel it in my eyes and in my throat and that I actually WANT to be able to cry.  I said that I purposely sent her the email so that I couldn't hide from it, to force myself to deal with it and she said I shouldn't FORCE myself but that she knew what I meant.

She asked me what it is I am afraid of. I said I didn't know.  She asked if I thought she would tell me off, laugh or get annoyed etc. I said no, not really, I knew she wouldn't.  I said if I said a particularly hard sentence then I might cry but generally I can just feel the wave come and then go again.  She spoke about my mum's reaction to me crying as a child and I said that she would send me to my room to cry - she said that is probably why I always tend to cry on my own. I agreed. 

She said that there is something very healing about being able to cry in therapy and have someone "sit with you" whilst you do in a supportive way.  I said that when I cried as an adult, even now, she would literally sit and watch me cry - she could never reach out to me physically and that is what I always wanted.  She asked what I thought my mum was thinking when she would just sit there watching and I said I wasn't sure.  She said do you think she got some perverse feeling from enjoying me in pain?  I said I wasn't really sure what I thought that she thought, I just always wished she could have comforted me and she never could.  She said that she will need to be careful of just saying nothing if/when I cry to her then because it might trigger me. She said something about my mum being a "voyager".

She said that I shouldn't be telling myself off for not being able to cry or whatever and that things will come in time.

I went home and Googled "not being able to cry in therapy" and also wrote a post on here and another site I am on to see what people have said about it before.. the general themes I have found seem to be about shame, about trust (lack of), control ..I am trying to see which I think is really mine...

Is it enough that her watching me crying in therapy taps into my need of physical touch/connection with my mum?  I feel that might be the reason but maybe she doesn't think so because I've said that to her and she is still asking me "what I am afraid of" so clearly she doesn't?

I then read a bit about shame - she mentioned to me that she thinks I am scared of my own anger and I agreed. She read a line from my email which said "My whole body feels like its angry. My arms are physically tingly. I am holding my breath again and feel like I am trying so hard to keep it all inside in case I release it all in a bad way, at the wrong time or to the wrong person. I feel sick."... I said yes, I worry that I might explode when I feel like that.  She said - you are worried you will hurt/explode at the wrong person and cause damage and I said yes. I said that I only tend to show my moodiness/miserableness/anger to my other half and that I was worried I would go at him and then ruin my relationship.  She spoke about how my mum often "exploded" in rage attacks when I was young and I agreed and said that she still did. I said that even now, her and my younger sister argue so often and it seems to be that whenever my mum is in a bad mood, she throws all her negative feelings at her (this used to happen to me but I don't live there now) - she said yes, she projects it all off of her, and onto someone else. 

Thing is, today, I keep getting these memories/flashbacks whatever of something from when I was younger which most definitely make me feel shame - I don't really allow myself to go into the feeling/memory before I try and avoid the memory because I am worried about sharing it, telling anyone and even admitting it to myself.  I have things I am ashamed of growing up - mainly all attempts to get my mum's approval, love and acceptance (that I never did get) but top of the things that I am ashamed of, and I guess that coincide with anger... is this...

When I was younger, I used to look after my little sister. She is 7 years younger than me.  My mum was working until 10pm at night and was out at weekends with boyfriends/friends so I pretty much looked after her all of the time.  I was at school myself and would come home and look after her, cook for her, bath her, dry her hair, put her to bed, you know the stuff.... but I was also trying to have a social life myself, have friends and boyfriends and be a teenager which was impossible to do when you suddenly become pretty much a caregiver for someone 7 years younger than yourself.  Anyway, I have this particular horrible imagine of me and my sister fighting and arguing and me throwing her backwards away from me and her bursting into hysterical tears - omg that feeling. The shame!!! The horror and the fear of what I had done, how much I had hurt her, what my mum would say/do... I was horrified and ran to her trying to cuddle her and apologise and stop her crying. I felt awful. She pushed me away and said she would tell and I am pretty sure I probably bribed her somehow not to - I can't really remember now.  I didn't think much of this until recently but now I feel really, deeply ashamed. How could I hurt someone so young and someone who was probably just trying to play with me or even just wind me up in a normal sisterly/sibling way? What if I had really hurt her, like properly? And now I am in recovery myself, I guess I realise that everything I went through and felt, she did to and to make her's worse, I was hurting her and pushing her attempts at being close to me away? agh god. 

I wonder today, is this when I became scared of my anger?

When else have I been that angry?...... in recent years, I got triggered by something my other half said (about a year or so ago) and flew into a jealous rage which resulted in be ranting and attacking him verbally for hours - drink fuelled too, wasn't a pretty site.  I actually ended it with him and woke up feeling horrendously ashamed of myself and panic-stricken that he would leave me (after all, abandonment is my very deepest core wound) - he didn't but he did tell me that it was the worst he had ever seen me, that he doesn't want to ever witness a repeat of the night before and that he was disappointed in me... wahhhhh... the next day I cried all day and he was pretty off with me (understandably I know).. the night after I went to stay at my mother's house (great idea!!) to get away - in my head it was so that he would miss me, so I couldn't do any more damage and to be honest, probably so that it was my idea rather than his to "leave"... sadly what ended up happening was my mum telling me that I've changed since being with him, that she thinks he is emotionally abusive to me for saying he was disappointed, that everything I done and said was totally reasonable and understandable (it really wasn't, believe me!) - and various other things.  It was then that I realised I had just ran from one fear straight into the arms (metaphorically, obviously given she can't hug me) of someone who abused me and neglected me my entire life - the very person who caused my "issues" who was just trying to claw me back in to her control by making my other half the bad guy.... What a sh*t time that was.

As a child my mum locked me in a room because I was "having a strop" and "being a spoilt brat" and apparently I bashed the door in for ages with a hairbrush and screamed and cried and kicked. I was left in there until I had exhausted myself and then severely told off.

I once swore at my mum (by accident as I did think it was my half-sister) and my mum pulled me down from the top bunk where I was and dragged me into the bathroom where she physically rammed a bar of soap into my mouth to "clean my mouth out"....

I once called my mother a cow in front of my older cousin to look cool because she was having a go at me in front of her and my aunty.  She then chased me from one end of our bungalow to the other and managed to catch me. She proceed to sit on top of me, and hurt me..

So I guess they are some of the reasons that I am scared of anger and why I am ashamed... and there is more to come in terms of the shame I feel about things I've done to seek her approval. In fact I might write about that too and get that off my chest.

hey, twink,

i've gone thru a similar experience w/ my mother not reaching out to me, verbally or physically, when i was in terrible distress, and closing that part down for many years because of it.   looking for comfort from other sources became primary for me in later years, but it rarely happened.  i was a nurturer, but had a tough time finding anyone who could/would nurture me.  so, i can relate to that part of your story.  i've been able to learn to cry in front of people now, but that was a huge task for me.  had to train my husband about embracing me when i'm in distress.  that helps.

from what you wrote, it sounds like you only learned how to let anger out in an explosive, hurtful manner.  no wonder you're afraid of your own.  you don't know how to express anger through statements (i'm really angry at you because of . . . ) when it first appears because you never saw/heard it expressed that way.  it's a learning and practicing thing.  there are definitely different ways of expressing anger than through violence.  you just didn't get to see them, you didn't learn them, so how were you expected to do them?  including with your little sister - you were following the only example you had. 

but, you had something else that you showed to your sister that hadn't been shown to you, and that was compassion and caring.  you wouldn't feel that shame otherwise.  i hope you will be able to leave that shame by the side of the road someday - you were only a child yourself.  we learn how to be adult versions of ourselves by the role-modeling of our parents.  you didn't know any better about the explosiveness is all.  your innate caring and compassion came through in thoughts, words, and deeds.  i hope you can give yourself credit for that.  i think it's a biggie.

i've also learned to let out big anger physically by beating my bed.  that's been a great release for me.  walking just doesn't do it for me in that way. 

i encourage you to keep going.  i think you're doing great.  big hug. 

Transitional object – book: women and their therapists – yesterday's session

It's Friday 20th January 2017.  I had my session yesterday afternoon as usual with T.  I left laughing and feeling very happy, more than usual. I also left carrying a book that T said I could borrow called "In session: a woman's bond with her therapist" which I have started reading and is very good.  I left T's and drove to a busy place to pick up my exercise bike and also buy Boyfriend's birthday present.  I got home and felt even happier because I had successfully driven to a really busy area, merged on the A roads easily and navigated myself around when I took a wrong turn, reversed onto my drive AND then went on to managing to build the exercise bike on my own. I felt good and had a really lovely sense of proudness at my achievements which is quite rare for me. 

In session me and T had been talking about touch in therapy – mainly hugs.  I told her about an article I had read on the way to her - https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/10/25/why-your-therapist-seems-cruel-but-really-isnt/ .  I said that it had fascinated me and had really made me understand. I spoke to her about the fact that I think some of my reluctance of crying in there is that it triggers me back to my m just watching me and being unable to offer me a cuddle or anything.  That is something I always really craved. I said when I was younger, crying wasn't allowed, you would hear things about not being "hard done by" or "giving you something to cry about" or "knocking you into next week" etc etc – I also said about a friend of mine saying that I looked ugly when I cried and various other things.  We spoke about the issue with touch in therapy and how it could sometimes lead to all sorts of issues – bringing on erotic transference and all sorts of things. She said that she wouldn't ever say never and that there isn't really a one size fits all approach but that she was aware I had Boyfriend and so had someone to have physical affection and comfort from.  She asked me whether I felt scared to tell her about how I might want a cuddle from her if I was crying in therapy and found it very awkward that she would just sit and watch? I said I wasn't scared but I was a bit embarrassed/awkward yes. She asked if I was scared she would just bluntly say absolutely no way would I ever give you a cuddle and I said maybe but more it was that I didn't WANT her to cuddle me because I would find that so weird and awkward too and I was worried if I told her I thought I needed that, she would give me it and it might not be – I said it was complicated. T said something about how she wouldn't do that and how she respected me and my own boundaries and space.  We spoke about how it is important that I can talk to her about these things because it helps us to understand things and we can work it through. 

This conversation reminded her of a book she has on her book shelf as mentioned above. She asked me if I would like to read it and I said yes please! She quickly flicked through it to check she hadn't written in it in case there was anything that might upset me – she said there were some squiggles in there probably from her having written an essay and she said to make sure if anything upset me or affected me, to let her know next time and we could talk about it. I said I would.  She said that she would need it back because they didn't sell it anymore or something like that, I can't quite remember now. 

Anyway, I put the book on my passenger seat next to my handbag as I drove off and remember smiling and really liking that she had leant be the book. Was it because it was HER book or was it because of the actual book? I think it was because it was HER book and if I am totally honest, the squiggles and odd notes throughout the book that she's made in pencil, seem to excite me more because I know that she has held the book and she has written those notes and read those exact bits of the book and so she really gets it and understands it.. I found myself on the train this morning flicking through just to the bits she had marked up to see what they said.  I also noted putting the book into a bag this morning when I parked my car at the station and thinking, oh my god, imagine if I lost this book or left it on the train? She would never forgive me or trust me again!....  clearly having something of T's is a very big deal.

We have spoken about transitional objects in the past and T has said that sometimes clients might ask to borrow something from "the room" to help them connect with her. I remember at the time thinking that was silly and also thinking I would never be able to ask for that, how embarrassing. I remember thinking how could an object, let's say, a crystal stone thing, would help with that? But perhaps I am now experiencing the book as a transitional object? I do love reading anyway and I am always reading different books on my therapy but it isn't the same when I just order a book she might mention.  However, saying that, a year or so ago she told me about a book called "The Body Speaks The Mind" and I have that on my bedside cabinet, along with a book on dreams – the book definitely reminds me of her knowing she recommended it and I like that when I am at her's, I can see her copy of the same book on the shelf.  I then remembered that I have her business card in my purse and that it has been there since the first appointment I had with her, which was about 3 years ago now.  I don't need the card because I obviously have her mobile number and email address in my phone and I know where she lives because I drive there twice a week.. so perhaps that is a bit of a transitional object to in a way....

Later on in the session, we were speaking about my grandparents and she asked me whether I had seen a programme/film over Christmas called "Ethel and Ernest" – I said that I had recorded it over Christmas but hadn't yet watched it. She said she thought I would like it. I said that I had recorded the Call The Midwife special over Christmas but hadn't yet seen that either and she said she loved that and that the new series started Sunday – I loved that we both liked the same programme. Somehow it made me want to watch it even more.  I told her that I loved the blonde lady in it and that her clothes and fashion sense were what I would like to have looked/dressed like back then.  She said she liked historical dramas (stupidly I didn't really know what that meant) but now I do and I loved that when I realised too because I love things like Victoria and the classics done by the BBC like Jane Eyre and other programmes like Poldark etc.  I guess it made me feel more connected to her in a way and I liked that we had similar interests. 

I realised that the combination of her reacting so well to understanding what I said about the affection thing, lending me the book, finding out we like similar programmes and the fact we laughed a few times during our session left me feeling incredibly happy and contented and at ease – it clearly also gave me a confidence boost and reassured me of my abilities which was why I then happily drove off around all these places and fast road etc that I would normally be nervous of, managed to build the exercise bike when I would usually not even try!! It's like I am beginning to really feel a connection when I see her and it is making me feel more secure – exactly what it is meant to do I guess. 

I will be really interested to see what the rest of the book brings up for me but I think that it is going to really help me get over my shame feelings about being too needy or vulnerable or whatever – knowing certain things are quite normal in the course of therapy seems to be helping already. Already it's made me able to acknowledge the book being more than just a book and I've not even got that far into it yet!!

Just another thought... following on from my previous post...

I think having the book is keeping me contained somehow - knowing that I have a "bit of her" with me - I have something that I can discuss with her - we can share together. I know how much I like to journal after my sessions and in-between and I had this idea... what if I ask her, would it be okay if I started a therapy journal but one that I would bring to each session with me and we could use it to discuss feelings or thoughts that happen between sessions - or/and dreams? I wouldn't necessarily NEED to use it or for her to see it every time or anything, but I think it might help me to hold myself a  bit more between sessions.  Sometimes if I have a bad day or I am feeling particularly low, I need to email her - to reach out and to get some soothing (I guess?) it seems I am unable to hold that until I next see her.  Other times, like today, I am in a good mood and feeling really happy because I felt such a connection yesterday but then I have so many thoughts and so much to write (as you will see!) - perhaps if I could write knowing she would read it, that would help? It might also help me to address the more embarrassing or awkward things that pop up because she would read it or I would read it to her rather than going in there trying to decide whether to say it or not and trying to decide when and how to bring it up.....  I haven't ever asked for something that I would like or need before but I think I've learnt that I would probably be safe to with her..... I can't see any real reason that she would say no to it.. I don't expect her to read every entry or anything.......

I also think sometimes that is why I do so much reading and writing between sessions anyway, I think it keeps that link there or something....

Also, I read something earlier about how someone was worried what "type of client they were"  - and the fear of burning their therapist out - being the worst client, the one that drained them the most and I realised that I definitely have this worry.  I worry I am the "neediest" client and that she has to psyche herself up to see me, or that she rolls her eyes or sighs when another email from me pops up.  I guess I worry I am too much for her and I think that is potentially something I should discuss with her at some point.. perhaps it can go in the first part of my new "journal" idea?

twink, i think keeping a therapy journal is a brilliant idea.  several people on this forum have written between sessions and brought what they wrote into their next session to help them remember what they wanted to talk about, or what might've happened during the week, thoughts, emotions, etc. 

thanks for explaining what a transformational object is.  that makes a whole lot of sense.  i did some of that when working with adol. girls, just didn't know what it was called.  i always had things in my office that were 'throwaway' things, meaning that i could give them away and not miss them, and the girls seemed to like that.  now i understand possibly why. 

another way to show interest/being there physically when someone is in distress is a simple hand on the arm, something non-erotic (as in certain body parts aren't touching).  i appreciate it when someone does that with me.  it's like reaching out to me in my moment of distress.  but, i'm so happy for you that you were able to talk to her about it, got those feelings/thoughts out from both sides.  that's the best.

sustainable feelings.  that's been a rough one for me, too. i totally get it.  they're there in the moment, but seem to disappear, like out of sight, out of mind.  i've had very few experiences with those, but the ones i have had made a huge difference in my life.  i hope you can find some along the way. 

it sounds like you are really moving right along.  ever forward, twink!  big hug!

Ah thank you sanmagic7, thank you for reading my posts and for taking the time to reply - it's lovely Knowing people are listening and can understand.

Do you really think I'm moving along? It does feel like things have ramped up a bit this week I have to say....

I meant to say transitional, not transformational haha but glad you knew what I mean! And I love that it's struck a cord with you somehow. It does sound like the girls used it that way - isn't that lovely?

As for sustainable feelings - exactly that!! My T also says i need to try and find a way to just stay with the feelings and not try and think my way out of them or banish them completely. I certainly do try and intellectualise my way out of the feelings I guess I must find them scary?

Anyway, thank you for replying and for your encouragement and the hug! Sending a hug right back!!

got it - transitional objects.  makes total sense to me. 

i think anything that comes to your mind is worthy of putting in your therapy journal for discussion with your t. 

when you wrote about what client someone thinks they are, and you used the words 'worst' and 'neediest', it reminded me of what i call 'st' people - best, worst, hardest, weirdest, etc.  i've always thought of 'st' people as wanting to feel special, whether at the pos. or neg. end of the spectrum.   it's something that sets them apart from others, rather than just being a client (or whatever) like everyone else.  you have your own issues, like others have their own issues.  i don't think of best or worst - clients are people in distress and damaged somehow.  that's all.  there's no better or worse way to be so, to my mind.  just my opinion.   you're welcome to write that in your journal for discussion with your t, get her take on it.  she may be able to give you the reassurance you're looking for.

personally, i think that when we try to get out from under pos. feelings, it could be that we're scared of them, scared that they won't last so we banish them first.  or, it could mean that we don't believe we're worthy of them, so we get them out of our way because we don't feel like they belong there in the first place.

my case is a little different in that i have alexithymia, which means that i can't readily identify most of my feelings most of the time, so pos. feelings don't hang around cuz i really can't usually feel them.  i can know them logically (like i know i'm loved and cared about) but i can't actually feel that.  i can feel loving/caring sensations when i give/get hugs.  it's a tactile thing that i can actually feel, but it doesn't sink in emotionally.  i'm working on that.  like i've rarely felt fear in my life - now i feel it a lot.  i've had to utilize techniques to re-wire my brain.  that's probably why i'm such a big proponent of hugs.

and, yes, i truly do think you're moving forward, twink.  you had a great session with your therapist, you brought up stuff that was bothering or confusing you, you're willing to try new things (journal, for one) to keep your recovery evolving, and you're reaching out to others on this forum, asking questions and supporting others.  to me, those are all signs of forward movement.  i think you're doing great!  yeah, you might move backwards at times, but you're still moving, and that counts.  well done and big hug!!!

Twinkletoes: You wrote "Also, I read something earlier about how someone was worried what "type of client they were"  - and the fear of burning their therapist out - being the worst client, the one that drained them the most and I realized that I definitely have this worry.  I worry I am the "neediest" client and that she has to psyche herself up to see me," and I can really relate to that. I was feeling this way during my therapy session last Wednesday. In fact, I am constantly worried what EVERYONE thinks about me. I won't dare try to strike up a friendship with anyone because I believe they would either reject me or feel obligated (out of pity or sense of propriety) to indulge me.

These worries lock me into a state of self-isolation.

I think it's great that you've connected so well with your therapist. It took me over 20 years to find a therapist who "clicked" with me like mine does now!

I also think taking a journal to therapy is a good idea. Oftentimes I actually forget the actual events and thoughts from the previous week and show up in therapy just saying that "I had a lousy week" or "It was a pretty good week." Having something written will be helpful to me, and I'm going to "steal" your idea! :cheer:

just to clarify, when i was talking about 'st' people and all that, i was thinking of when i was working with people as a therapist.  i hope i didn't sound harsh or judgmental - i didn't mean to.  as the therapist, i really didn't look at clients in those terms - like i said, they were all distressed and damaged in their own way, none better or worse.  it was never one client who ever burned me out or caused me to roll my eyes.  administration junk may have, but never my clients.  some had more issues than others, true, but i just wanted to help them untangle themselves from what they were going through is all, no matter what. 

i would guess any therapist worth his or her salt would feel the same.  we're there to help, not to judge.  i looked forward to coming to work every day no matter who i was seeing.  it was the best feeling.

Sorry for my silence! I forgot my password and got locked out of the site until Kizzie got IT on the case!!

sanmagic - I have just read your comments, I get what you mean about "st" people, I haven't taken offence whatsoever but you are right, there is definitely a want to be "special" to my Therapist. I admit that. I am glad you like the journal idea and feel free to steal away!! I like that you will be doing it too!

Journal entry - Monday 30th Jan.

I don't feel very happy today.. or yesterday actually. I am not entirely sure why really.  Me and [boyfriend] argued yesterday over money and not being able to book a holiday this year... the row was stupid but we just didn't understand each other at all and it was getting more and more angry so I went and got ready and went out on my own. I went shopping but I was obviously in a really bad mood. I text him and explained why I was so annoyed and he said he was too. That was it really, I went home a few hours later and there was a bit of an atmosphere all day.. I felt *.. he was trying to get things back to normal but I couldn't and stayed pretty off all day.

Wake up today having had a bad dream. I dreamt I was in a room, about to be abused by him again (real life abuser from when I was young) and that a girl mate of mine told me to say no to him.  So I did. I told him no, I didn't want to do it. I told him that it hurt and he couldn't make me.  I was very scared and was dreading what was going to happen next... luckily he just left.  The girl mate of mine then appeared in the room and I told her that I couldn't believe t was that easy, I should have said no the whole time but I also said I was worried what he would do to get his revenge.

Not a nice dream to have although I guess it could have ended much worse..... I had also had a dream Friday night and [boyfriend] had woken me up at 5am because I was crying/sobbing in my sleep. I had a dream that I was with my therapist and we were talking about how my mum has never been attuned to me - I was so upset in the dream (and then in real life).. I can only assume that something is being worked through in my dreams and maybe that is affecting my moods.

I got to the station today and there were no trains. I waited over an hour before I decided to turn around and head home to work from home.  I saw [boyfriend] on the way back and we had a quick coffee together. He spent most of the time on his phone.  I feel so disconnected today. I know couples argue and that it's still safe really but it doesn't feel it. It feels so far from safe. I feel like I'm trying to act tough and strong and I think the moodiness is covering up that I feel so scared and like everything is all shakey.  I am now crying as I write this so clearly I've touched on something.

My patience is so thin at the moment. I've just had an email from a guy at work who said he will be calling me to talk me through a large task he needs from me  - I just can't concentrate. The dog next door is howling and I feel utterly *.  I am aware I feel disproportionately bad for the situation.

When I left the coffee shop, I left [boyfriend] in it, he was going to wait for a train - I had to stop myself from crying. Why was I crying just walking out of the coffee shop?

Why does it feel so scary and broken and fragile and why do I feel so moody and upset? what is going on?

Hi twinkletoes, sorry to hear you're feeling so rough! :hug:

It sounds to me like you're in an emotional flashback. One of the signs of an EF is feeling small, or helpless, like a child. Pete Walker has some steps for managing EF's on his website http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm -

MANAGING FLASHBACKS
Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)
Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
  [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
  Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
  [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
  [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
  [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:
  [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
  Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met."

Hope this helps.

i think you may have answered your own question.  from what i know, dreams are our subconscious wrestling with issues that we're not quite ready to deal with on a conscious level.  all that wrestling going on could most certainly be affecting your moods and throwing your emotions out of whack. 

is there any way you could talk to your boyfriend about your fears?  maybe get some reassurance from him?  sometimes a direct approach is the best in the long run.  does he know about your c-ptsd?  i opened myself up to my daughter the other day (i had to go nc with my other daughter 2 yrs. ago, and it broke my heart) and told her about my fears of losing her, too.  i then just made myself ask her if she was sure i wasn't going to lose her (she had been kind of lightly saying, no, i have no plans like that, it's not on my calendar) and i asked her to be serious.  she then seriously told me that, no, i wasn't going to lose her.  (she knows about her sister, has also had to go nc with her, so she realized what this meant to me).  it was such a relief, and i feel reassured and comfortable about it for the first time.

i think you're going through a rough patch right now, twink, but that you'll get through it.  i have faith in you, even tho i feel bad you have to go through this in order to reach the other side.  it'll happen.  big hug!

Hi guys,

I just briefly read both you posts but I am going to re-read again slower in a moment. Does it sound like an EF? I still can't recognise them?

I just had a long bath and logged on here to write the following ...

"I feel disconnected today.

The only words I can think of are missattuned- disconnected and lonely. Alone.

I wonder if I am regressing to childlike feelings or something.

I don't even know whether misattuned is a word."

So that does seem to match what you've said... I keep crying. Really proper crying earlier and just sad crying in the bath.

Sanmagic, part of your post made me cry too - the understanding and sympathy/kindness made me cry - I don't know why, thank you.

I am so, so pleased your daughter was able to give you that reassurance. Well done you for asking for it! I struggle to ask for "my needs to be met" - mainly because as silly as it probably sounds, I don't really know what they are.

I don't know what I need. I crave isolation but I'm sure that feeds my abandonment feelings. I crave affection yet when my BF is here, I become easily irritated and snappy... I'm tired but I don't want nightmares.

It all sounds very dramatic on paper (virtual paper!) but I can't think of any better way to express it.

I'm now going to read them tips properly. Thank you.

ya know, twink, when i hear or see a kindness being done, to me or to others, i start crying, too.  what i figured out, finally, is that it's part of what i need to grieve - the lack of kindness i've experienced in my life.  that people show kindness to others on a regular basis can simply overwhelm me, and the tears start falling like rain.  one of my latest realizations was about being acknowledged by my daughters for all the hard work i put into being a good mom, someone who planned and thought, worked through her own issues, continues to work on them, always thought of them first, what my actions would mean to and for them.  i realized this when watching an awards show the other night, and the winners routinely acknowledge their parents for their help and support in getting them to where they are.  i start crying every time.

i'm going to have to have a funeral for this, to lay it to rest, these expectations that just aren't going to happen.  hopefully, that will help me not have to cry, even when telling my hub about some act of kindness someone did toward someone else.  so many tears!  so many needs/wants that have not happened in our lives.  wow!  you deserve kindness and caring for being you.  i'm sorry you haven't gotten your fair share.  it's not right.  take care of you.  big hug.

It is 1st Feb today. Thank God January is over at last, it felt like the longest month ever!

So, I had t last night. She had printed out my email to her on Monday about my horrible dream where I woke up crying, and the dream with my abuser in... we spoke about the meaning of the dream that I woke up crying from - she said that I had really got in touch with the sadness of my mother not being attuned to me. I told her that in the dream I had my cheek resting on a huge stack of colourful and soft towels and flannels - we thought this symbolised comfort (I thinks he said something else too but I've forgotten what? how annoying).  I said that in the dream, T kicked me out very suddenly whilst I was still crying and I was left alone and that later in the dream, she had grabbed my arm to help me (down a step or slope or something) and that I had flung her off of me and shouted "don't touch me!!!" - I then felt instantly guilty and ashamed but she didn't seem particularly phased.  T asked me what I thought this was about and I said I wasn't sure, maybe anger? She said she thinks it is all to do with my fears of bringing my sadness/tears to her - my worries that she will not be attuned, that she will just send me packing and not help me etc.  I agreed. 

I told her all about my arguments with my boyfriend. I said how I felt awful on Monday and that I had cried a lot of the day, felt very moody and sad and that the only way I could think of describing my feelings were to say I felt totally disconnected from him, from anyone actually and that it was horrible. 

She explained to me that when you are a child, it isn't the rupture that can cause the damage, it is the lack of re-attunement or re-connecting.  She said she thinks that I was quite regressed to a child place and feeling how I might have felt when I was younger at the lack of connection and re-connection. I agreed and then got quite upset. I heard her say "it's okay" so she must have noticed I was welling up, I did then cry, but not a big cry, just slow, silent tears. 

We then spoke about the argument me and my boyfriend had - she did say she felt he had been triggered by something himself and that it wasn't "all me" which was a relief because I didn't think it was but I guess my "go-to" place is to assume it's all my fault. She said that probably comes from being young, if my mum was raging or whatever, I would assume I had upset her - and I would get the blame one way or another so I guess I soaked that in. 

We spoke about how I'm feeling a bit under-appreciated by him at the moment and she said that it felt like he was responding to me quite passively and that we were just "missing" each other and not understanding one another much at the moment.

I told her that I miss having friends and people to go out with because then I didn't feel so resentful just looking after his children every weekend after working all week - and dealing with the therapy stuff which as you guys probably know, is tough enough.

I said I was worried I had become too much for him. I said I was scared that my upsets/moods/crying and stuff had got too much for him and he hated me for it.  I got teary about that.

She suggested that I tried to re-connect with some old friends and arranged some evenings/nights out to prove to boyfriend that I'm not just there as convenience. I said I wanted to do that but was worried that was ME being passive.... she said it wasn't.  So I am thinking about making some plans and trying to reconnect with some people. I really feel I need a good night out. I need to go out and blow off some steam, it's just a shame that my friend I used to meet with once a month or so, who was good fun was also a narcissist just like my mother and we fell out in August when I put a stop to her abusive behaviour and insults/attacks..... I miss parts of her but I know it is for the best that I don't see her anymore.  People keep suggesting I join a club or class but that isn't what I want.  Life changes I guess...

I told her that my biggest fear is that if me and boyfriend split (which despite this argument is completely unfounded and irrational) I would be totally alone - she told me not to scare myself like that. But it is true. I no longer have (narcissist) friend and I am pulling away from my NPD mother as much as possible because she is bad news..... friends have all gone on to get married and have kids... I would lose my boyfriend, stepkids and in-laws all in one go.. agh...

Anyway, I left feeling better than when I went in. I still don't feel properly connected to boyfriend but I feel less insecure that it's all my doing which is something I guess.  I've asked an older friend at work if she would like a quick drink after work, she has said yes so it's a start. x

you go, twink!  what progress you're making.  it's all over the place.  good for you!  hugs!

Funnily enough "all over the place" is how I feel hahaha x

I find that as I come out of the fog created by my C-PTSD I am very emotional. I think some of it is releasing some of the feelings frozen inside over time, and some of it is me being raw to feelings experienced in the present.

From what you've described your emotions seem attuned to what you are experiencing. It probably doesn't feel, good, but it is feeling. Kind of like when your foot tingles and cramps after it's been asleep- only, of course- much worse.

I've realised that me and my boyfriend are currently playing the roles of "rescuer" and "victim" - then both "persecutor" at times - we are totally following the Karpman's triangle/relationship triangle to a tee -

Begin by imagining or drawing an upside down triangle (Do it now, it will help). At the top are two letter, P on the left had side, R on the right. At the bottom, the tip of the triangle is the letter V.
The triangle represents the relationship between two people. The P, R, and V represent different roles that the people can play; it is not the people themselves, but a role. The roles interlock and there is always someone on top who seems to have more power, and someone on the bottom. The relationship moves about in a circle as follows:
The person is the R position is the rescuer. The person in that role essentially has "nice guy" control. He hooks into the V or victim. The person in that role feels overwhelmed at times. He feels that problems are falling down on his head. The rescuer steps in and says, "I can help you out. Just do what I say, everything will be fine." Often times couples will begin their relationship in some form of this. They psychologically cut a deal: The rescuer says that I will agree to be big, strong, good and nice; the victim says I will agree to be overwhelmed and unable
to manage. Everyone is happy. The rescuer feels needed, important and in charge. The victim has someone to take care of him.
And it works fine, except every once in a while one of two things happens. Sometimes the rescuer gets tired of doing it all. He feels like he is shouldering all the responsibilities and that the other is not pulling his weight, not giving anything back, not appreciating what the rescuer is doing. The rescuer gets fed up, angry, resentful. Bam! He shifts over to the P, the persecutor role. He suddenly blows up - usually about something minor - laundry, who didn't take out the trash - or acts out - go out a spends a lot of money, goes on a drinking binge, has an affair. He feels he deserves it, look, after all, he says to himself, at what I've been putting up with. The message underneath the behavior and anger that usually does not come out very clearly is: "Why don't you grow up! Why don't you take some responsibility! Why do I have to do everything around here! Why don't you appreciate what I am doing for you! This is unfair!" The feeling of unfair is a strong one.
At that point the victim gets scared and moves up to the R position, tries to make up and calm the waters. "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't realize. I really do appreciate what you do. I'll do better." Then the persecutor feels bad about whatever he did or said and goes down to the victim position and gets depressed. Then they both stabilize and go back to their original positions.
The other thing that happens sometimes is the victim gets tired of being the victim. He gets tired of the other one always running the show, always telling him what to do. He gets tired of being looked down on because the rescuer is basically saying, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't make it." Everyone once in a while the victim gets fed up and Bam, moves to the persecutor role. Like the rescuer, the victim in this role blows up and gets angry usually about something small, or acts out.
The message underneath that doesn't get said is Why don't you get off my back! Leave me alone, stop controlling my life! Back off, I can do things myself! The rescuer hears this and moves to the victim position. He says to himself, "Poor me, every time I try to help, look what I get." The persecutor then feels bad about whatever he did or said and goes to the rescuer position and says something like, "I was stressed out, off my meds, tired from the kids. I'm sorry." And then they make up and go back to where they originally were.
While everyone gets to move among all the roles, often one will fit more comfortably in one role more than another. This has to do with personality, upbringing, and learned ways of coping. The rescuer as a child was often an only child, oldest, or grew up in a chaotic family. He usually did not have many buffers between him and his parents, and learned early on that he could avoid getting in trouble and avoid conflict by being good: "If I can stay on my toes and just do what my parents (and teacher) wants me to do all the time, I won't get in any hot water."
This type of person learns to be very sensitive to others as a means of survival. He develops good radar and can pick up the nuances of emotions. He is hyperalert, spends all his energy surveying the environment, stays on his toes, ever ready to do what the parents want. Essentially he takes the position of "I'm happy if you're happy, and I need to make sure you are happy." He gets rewarded for being good and his head is filled with shoulds.
What works for the child, however, doesn't necessarily work so well for the adult. Now the world is bigger. Rather than just two or three important people to pay attention to, the rescuer adult has many more - the boss, the IRS, the President of the local Rotary Club or VFW. He now feels pulled in a lot of directions, stretched thin, as he scrambles to accommodate what he thinks others want from him. He easily feels like a martyr, he is always at risk of burnout.
He also has a hard time knowing what he wants. Because he spent so much of his energy as a child looking outward and doing what others wanted, he never had the opportunity to sit back and decide what he wanted. Wanting, unlike following shoulds and rules, is a feeling, and he is often not aware of what he is feeling. As an adult if you ask him "But what do you want?" he hesitates and gets stuck. He worries about making the right decision, about not offending anyone in his life or the critical voice in his head.
He also has a hard time with anger and conflict (which is why he became good in the first place) and tends to stuff anger down until he gets fed up and begins to gag on it. Then he blows up, and because he is so uncomfortable with and it creates so much drama, he feels like his worst dream has come true. He feels guilty, and shoves it all back down again, only to have it build up again.
The victim, in contrast, was as a child was often the youngest in the family, was over-protected as child by parents or had older siblings who stepped in and took over all the time when he was stuck with a problem. What he missed in growing up were opportunities to develop the self confidence that comes from learning to manage problems on your own. Now, as an adult, he easily gets overwhelmed, feels unconfident, anxious. To handle these feelings he looks to the rescuer who takes over and helps him feel better.
The persecutor as a type is the evil twin of the rescuer. Whereas the rescuer controls by being good and nice, and persecutor is angry, critical, and blaming. This is the abuser, and obviously some couples start with this persecutor - victim relationship, playing out childhood models and roles. The persecutor learned early on that when I get scared I get tough. If I can negatively control everything going on around me, no one can sneak up behind me and get me.
Now imagine or draw two A's next to each other with a line drawn between them (Go ahead, do it, it will help). The A stands for adult. This person is not in a role, is more complete, proactive rather than reactive, self-responsible rather than blaming, and is outside the triangle. Adults are peers; they are on the same level in terms of power. This is where you want to be.
The adult says, "I'm responsible for what I think, do, say. If something bothers me, it is my problem. If you can do something to help me with my problem, I need to tell you, because you can't read my mind. If you decide not to help me, I'll need to decide what I'm going to do next to fix my problem. Similarly, if something bothers you, it is your problem. If there is something I can do to help you with your problem, you need to tell me. And if I decide not to help you with your problem, you can work it out. You may not handle it the way I might, but you can do it. I don't need to take over."
Two of the problems the rescuer and victim have in their relationship is that they do expect a lot of mindreading - you should know what is going on or how to help without my having to say so - and then feel frustrated or disappointed or angry when the other does not. They also have distorted sense of responsibility: The rescuer tends to be over-responsible - your problems are my problems, I'm happy if you are happy, and it is my job to make sure you are happy. In the attempt to "make" the victim happy, the victim over time begins to feel pressure and control, which sets up the explosion. Similarly, the victim tends to be under-responsible - my problems are your problems - I expect you to fix them, and I either have to wait or manipulate you into doing so.
The adults, in contrast, are clear about who has the problem. This is represented by the vertical line running between them. If you feel it, it's yours. This is a key concept, one invaluable for couples to understand and incorporate. By being aware of who has the problem, the individuals can avoid the defensiveness, anxiety, control, and manipulation of couples caught in the triangle.
They also can be more intimate. The problem the rescuer and victim face in their relationship is that the roles, which is not the people themselves but only parts of them, keep them stuck. The rescuer cannot let down his guard, or get too vulnerable because he is afraid that the victim will not be able to handle it. Similarly, the victim cannot ever get too strong because the rescuer will feel threatened and out of job. The long line between the victim and rescuer is real. It represents the emotional distance between them.
The adults don't have this problem. Both can be responsible, strong, and yet honest and vulnerable. They can take risks, are not locked in roles, and hence, can be more open and intimate.
Two people can obviously be in this pattern for a long time - seemingly getting along, suddenly having some acting out or emotional explosion, making up, returning to their roles, and repeating the pattern over and over again. Sometimes, particularly for the rescuer, will continue until he eventually drops from the weight of it all - he gets a heart attack or has some psychological breakdown, and everyone is surprised and afraid. What can also happen over time, and what often brings the couple into therapy, is that one person is either tired of going around the cycle, or begins to outgrow the role he is in. Like any other pattern it takes two to play the game and as soon as one person begins to move towards the adult, the other gets scared and tries to pull him back in to keep it going.
For example, you may have a rescuer who gets tired of mopping up all the time and starts to pull away and better define boundaries and problems. The classic case of this is the codependent of an alcoholic. The wife, for example, begins to attend Alanon meetings and starts to tell her husband, "Jake, I'm not going to call up your boss for you on Monday morning and tell him you are sick. You can call him yourself. I'm not going to pick you up off the front lawn on Saturday night if you get drunk." The wife is stepping out of the triangle and if Jake got drunk before, he is going to rip-roaring drunk to get try and hook his wife back in. If that doesn't work, Jake is likely to switch to one of the other roles: He may shift to the persecutor, get angry, and threaten divorce and custody of the kids or cut off money; he may get nice, tell her how he is going to start going to AA meetings to appease her and bring her back.
Similarly, if the victim moves to the adult position, the rescuer feels threatened. This is often seen in empty nest stage of marriage. The husband has been more or less been in charge - making most of the big decisions, financially supporting the family - and the kids begin to leave home. The wife starts to say something like "You know, Bill, I'm thinking of maybe going back to school. I never finished my degree because I stayed home with the kids, and now is a good time to do it. Maybe I'll go back into full time work. I think I'd like to get my own checking and saving account so I can have my own money and be more independent."
While Bill knows what to do when his wife is in the one-down position, he doesn't know what to do when she shifts. Generally the first thing Bill will instinctively do is be nice but try and talk his wife out of the changes: "Why do you want to go back to school now? You're 45 years old. What are you going to be able to do with a degree? It will cost us 30 grand for tuition, for what? You don't need to get a full time job. This is a time to take it easy. We don't need another checking account. It cost $10 a month in fees that we don't need to spend." Stay put is the message. If that doesn't work, Bill may shift to the persecutor role and get angry - "If you want to go to school, you find a way to pay for it. We're not taking it out of our retirement." Or Bill will move to the victim position, get depressed so his wife needs to stay home and take care of him.
Finally, you easily see this dynamic is abusive relationships. If the victim of a persecutor-victim relationship decides to move out of the triangle or out of the relationship and not be a punching bag anymore, the first thing the persecutor will do is more of the same. If he was angry, he is now going to get explosive. He will stalk her, hunt her down, emotionally abuse her or beat her up. If that doesn't work, he may get nice. He will be calling you up for anger management and ask if you could call up his wife or girlfriend and tell her that he called about therapy, then not follow through. If that doesn't work, he may get depressed, even threaten to kill himself so she will come back into the relationship.
If all the jockeying around doesn't work, the person left behind has one of two choices. He may end the relationship and find someone else to play the corresponding role, someone else to control, someone else to take care of them. Of the person left behind can move towards the adult position too.
The challenges of both partners moving to the adult position are several. The natural feeling of the one left behind is that if you care, you'll stay in the triangle. If they both move, the partners need to develop new ways of showing that they care for each other. There will be a period of transition while these new ways are being created, and the new ways will not, at least for awhile, feel as good as the old ways. There are also the challenges of learning new skills, especially for the one feeling left behind.
The reason the triangle is so strong and works is because the roles are complementary. Each sees in the other what he is unable to see in himself. The rescuer, for example, is not as nice or strong as he thinks, but sees his vulnerability and anger in the victim and persecutor. The victim is not as weak as he thinks, but projects his strength and anger onto the rescuer and persecutor. The persecutor is not as tough as he thinks but only sees his weakness and goodness in the victim and rescuer.
To be successful the each must learn to recognize and incorporate what has been left out. The rescuer needs to learn to recognize his wants, and take the risk of not being good and overresponsible. He needs to learn how to recognize his anger and then use it as for information about what he wants. He needs to experiment with letting go of control, and resist the impulse to fix his own anxiety by taking over when the other is struggling. He needs to learn how to let down his guard, so he can learn to trust and be vulnerable, and nurture in a genuine caring way, rather than out of fear and the need for control.
Similarly, the victim needs to build up his self confidence - by taking risks and doing things on his own, by using the rescuer not as a rescuer but a support. He needs to learn how to partialize problems so he doesn't feel so overwhelmed. Like the rescuer he needs to tap into his anger and use it to better define his boundaries and wants.
The relationship triangle gives you a way of conceptualizing the dynamics of a relationship.
See where you fit.

 :'(

It is hugely eye-opening for me that my whole life, all of my relationships, I've attracted men that might "look after me" and have automatically fallen into the "victim" role - without realising... then they get fed up with their role, or I do, and it goes wrong and ends - I had no idea.  Recognising that pattern is very insightful but * at the same time.  I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, weak.... Stupid.

I was looking for stuff in my boyfriends that no adult can give me – unconditional love – protection – safety of never being abandoned etc.  I have basically been searching for a mother/father role haven't I?  In boyfriends?

I need to learn not to try and seek that stuff from boyfriends.... I need to not expect or want my boyfriend to mind-read or fix me when I am down.  I guess I need to deal with my counselling stuff with T and not bring that home - it clearly doesn't help the dynamic.

Being "looked after" is a parent/child thing - not a relationship thing.  Perhaps that is why the sex life took a tumble.... I mean, who wants to have sex with their child!! Perhaps that also explains the lack of romance and the lack of effort in keeping the "relationship" alive... because the relationship has turned into purely rescuer/victim stuff....... There hasn't been room for romance? Isn't that sad? I feel very upset about that. 

I feel stupid really because I thought I had finally found a relationship that was entirely different. I thought it was just the men that I was picking that were wrong for me, I hadn't realised it wasn't that I was just picking the wrong men – I've been entering into this triangle thing every time, even with my boyfriend . I thought boyfriend was the "hero" that came along and made it all better – and that is entirely the problem.

I feel scared that now this has come out into the open that we won't be able to tolerate it. What if we can't fix it? What if boyfriend is put off completely and can't see me any differently after "seeing" it?

I feel ashamed that I've done this – that I've let this happen. What if I do lose him ... is our love strong enough for us to climb out of this triangle together and still be okay? I've spent the last 3 years feeling so sure I have finally found "the one". Someone that I feel safe with, secure with, someone I don't worry about cheating on me or leaving me – someone that "gets me", encourages me and supports me. Having someone that understands all that I do in my counselling and can be there for me when I am going through tough times without judgment..  and now I realise we've been in these roles, does that mean none of it was real?

He said a while ago, "God, being the rescuer is tiring.  Can I be vulnerable for a while?" and I feel panic all over me that he has admitted he is tired of his role ... he was resenting me and I didn't even know. How blind have I been?

How do we turn this around? I know the fact we've been able to identify our roles in this is a great start... but now what happens? How do you change the only dynamic you've ever known in each other.. in the relationship... how do I stop that need of mine to be looked after and protected when its clearly been automatic and unconscious desire all this time? My entire life? How do I get that need met elsewhere – or put it to bed... to stop it ruining another relationship. It wouldn't have mattered who I met if I had that need, I guess.........

I assume that I met boyfriend and he was attracted to my vulnerability because it was less threatening to him than his ex wife was... he didn't feel needed or loved or appreciated by his ex-wife and he met me and I was sending out signals left, right and centre that I needed him and I would be grateful – that was the pull. He sent me signals that he would be caring, stable and give me unconditional love and that was my pull... our roles in the triangle were born there and then. We just had no idea. I remember reading this article a long while ago and being too afraid to show him. I was afraid that if he read it, realised it was true that he would leave. And now he has read it, I feel the same.

I know logically it isn't just my fault. It is both of our issues that have allowed for it to happen and I know that I am working on myself in counselling so I am doing the best I can do, but I do feel extremely worried and upset right now that maybe now we've realised, it can't ever be hidden again. I can't bear to think that we might not be "real".

hey, twink,

i guess i have somewhat of a different view of what an adult relationship can look like.  i do believe that there can be unconditional love, and that  it's important to have that in a relationship.   i also believe that 2 adults can take care of each other.  there will always be times when one is stronger than the other, and those are the times for support and giving.  it's just that it needs to be reciprocated, needs must be communicated (which is what i think you're boyfriend did when he said he was tired of being in one role, and can he be in another, at least for a bit?), and the two of you work as a team on all this.

just because you may have started out in your own enclosed roles, doesn't mean you have to stay in them to stay together.  if you can talk to each other about this, what are the expectations, what are the needs for self and other, and how do you both want to go about implementing them.  together, i think you can come up with a plan, maybe some cue words, whatever it takes to get yourselves on the track you want to be on, rather than on the track you were on.

from what you've written, i can feel a realness about the relationship.  it may need some alterations, some nudges from each other, but it doesn't seem like those are unworkable between you two.  if you can spit out the word love like you did, it's real and do-able.   those triangles are only made of lines, easily changed to whatever shape you want, like, and feel comfortable with.  i think all the best relationships evolve over time, because people do.  if not, it can stagnate and die.  after 15 yrs., the relationship my hub and i have is totally different than what it began as.

best to you, twink.  i have faith.   big hug!

It's Tuesday 7th Feb and I am at work... it's not quite 10am but I thought I would check in as it's been a while. I am in a very different mind-set today than I was when I wrote previously on February the 3rd.. I think that must have been Friday, the day after my last therapy session and I was in a panic. I think reading/looking back that perhaps I was in touch with my abandonment fear or something because everything felt petrifying and I was choking back tears as I typed that entry... I felt very scared and unsettled and panicky... today however, I feel the total opposite and I always struggle with not shaming myself for having been in a state like that.  On top of that I struggle with shaming myself because I emailed a note to my Therapist which she will have printed out for us to discuss tonight - she might make me read it to her and I really don't want to for two reasons. 1) I feel ashamed and embarrassed and 2) I don't want to "go back" there - I now feel re-connected with my boyfriend and I feel settled and calm and happy and I really don't want to stir up all those horrible feelings again. I had told therapist when I saw her last (last Thursday) that I sometimes send her stuff when I am really "in" the moment and then feel very embarrassed that when I see her next, I wish I hadn't sent her anything and I find it really awkward and embarrassing - so she now knows this and I can't really pretend I don't or hide behind it.

Also, recently she mentioned that I hadn't read my very angry email about my mum and I admitted that I knew we hadn't and that I was relieved.  She asked me why and I said the above really, that I find it embarrassing after I've calmed down - problem is, now she knows that I worry she will push it more... does any of that make sense? Perhaps I should be email her today and admit that I feel a bit apprehensive about coming tonight and that I'm feeling those fears so that she can be delicate.. not that she is ever not delicate.. but on the other hand I think perhaps I need to just go and discuss it with her... hmmm...I can't really decide. What will I benefit from telling her up front? I guess it puts her on notice and saves me actually having to tell her.. so maybe I am being a bit of a coward. I need to think on this one.

Friday night I went straight from the station after work to do the food shop. In all honestly I decided to do this so that I didn't have to go straight home to my stepkids, it meant I could mooch around the food shop for an hour or so and by the time I got home and put the shopping away, the youngest 2 would be shortly going to bed (only because of having rowed with my boyfriend the last few days and then how I felt on Friday) but when I was in the shop, my boyfriend and his 3 kids turned up to surprise me... I wasn't particularly happy about it but I knew that the thought was there and so I pretended I was.  My boyfriend said he was trying to prove he had listened at what I had said and didn't expect me to do everything on my own - that we would share the chores more etc....

Saturday evening we had a nice meal together and Sunday we went to a new town and walked around the shops and it was nice. We had a lovely time together, we joked and we chatted and it was all fun and light-hearted and exactly what we needed following everything that had gone on earlier in the week.  We are not totally back to normal and I guess I am scared of what I will learn at therapy tonight because I don't want to shake it all up again.....  :fallingbricks:

Equally, of course, I can't and don't REALLY want to pretend that I haven't learnt what my therapist taught me about this relationship triangle situation.. I do want to sort it so that we have a more authentic and healthy relationship - but I am scared about it all I guess.

All in all though, I feel pretty content, quite happy and stable in myself. I just hope that tonight doesn't change that too much.

Another note, I wanted to get this down on paper (kinda) before I forgot as I think it's something I need to give a bit more thought.

My mother said the other night, to me and a friend, that she has made ALL of her boyfriends/husbands cry.  She said this will a huge sense of proudness. She was smiling and nodding and very "damn right" about it all.... me and her friend said that isn't something to be proud of and why did she like the fact she had reduced grown men to tears? she said that words are cheap and that seeing them physically cry made her feel like she had got through to them and that they meant what they  said etc...

It just reconfirmed something that me and my T had spoken about before - about her NPD and her need to control and have power over men.  How she sees them as weak... yet she has been the victim of physical abuse from 2 men over the years....

It feels like I knew she liked my tears too much - like she liked the power too much and that's why I have been unable to really cry over her. In a weird way it's like I never wanted to give her the satisfaction. My T asked whether I felt uncomfortable crying to her because it made me feel she was enjoying watching me in pain and I said that it just reminded me of how my mum used to just sit and watch and could never comfort me or anything - now I am thinking maybe she did enjoy it - seeing someone "broken" and "weak"... 

sounds pretty horrible, taking pleasure in someone else's distress. 

twink, personally, i don't think there is any shame in writing where you are in the moment.  i think it's your 'truth' voice, and it's valid.  our days, hours, minutes, are not always gonna be happy and light, and by sharing the darkness with your t, i think you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  i think it's a good thing.

i also think that it's a step toward being real with your t, allowing her to see your struggles, and, in a way, putting it out there for her to be able to help you find resolution.   i know it's difficult and painful to bring this crapola up again once we kind of smooth it over, but is it really resolved for you?  or are you trying to dismiss a living entity that will only come back again and again.  just something to think about.  it just came to my mind.

in the meantime, i hope you find answers for yourself, and are able to shrug that cloak of shame off your shoulders.  that shame doesn't belong to you but to the people who put you in this position in the first place.   big hug, and hope it goes well with your t.

Hey sanmagic,

Firstly, thank you for your post. I've just read it this morning and your last sentence nearly made me cry - in a nice way. I could feel the understanding and empathy coming off of the page, so thank you.

I had my session last night which I will post about in a bit, you are right though - being vulnerable clearly covers me in shame and I am definitely struggling with that at the moment. I guess at the point of being in such pain, the need for connection or something wins and then is shortly followed by the "shame storm!". 

I will write shortly with what happened last night. Thanks!! x

Wednesday 8th Feb.

I had my session last night, I really was feeling very anxious about it yesterday. I guess that I knew deep down it would be okay really, but the shame was so much. I wanted to hide and even had thoughts (quick ones) of cancelling my session and saying I was sick.  I haven't ever missed a session due to illness in nearly 3 years so the thought left quite quickly and I guess that the fact I sent t an email to tell her I was feeling huge shame and embarrassment about coming helped me to know that perhaps she would go delicately with me.

As the time turned to 7.30pm last night, my stomach dropped and I had to lock the car and knock on her door. She greeted me the same way she always has done, with a smile and a hello Twinkletoes... I sat down and put my coat over my lap as always - she asked me last session why I do that and I did admit its a comfort thing. I felt hugely uncomfortable and was dreading what was going to get said, I realised that I couldn't look at her.  She had my emails in her hand, as predicted.  The first thing she said was, I have got your email. You are really shaming yourself, try not to do that and then she said "well done for sending it".. I felt embarrassed immediately and said "ha, thanks" quite flippantly although I knew deep down that I liked hearing her say "well done" - it was like it helped me to feel I had done the right thing and that it meant she could really understand the struggle I was having within in coming to my session.

She handed me the emails over and said she wanted me to read them - she clearly knew I didn't want to. She said that she wasn't trying to be mean, but she thought it would help me to get into touch with things.... I panicked I guess.  I took the emails and said that I really didn't want to (despite the fact I knew I was about to)... I held the emails and immediately my eyes filled up and I started crying. I hadn't even said a word at this point. I couldn't look at her. I felt a huge wave of heat come over me and I had to take my jumper off because I started sweating. 

She was kind, as always, and told me to take my time, to go with the feelings, not to rush the reading part etc etc - I said I couldn't believe I was already crying and I hadn't even read the first word from the email yet! I noticed that when I cried, it was extremely sudden and deep. Not just a few little tears - this is unusual for me in therapy but also, normally I feel the build-up more than I did in that moment.

I read the email and a few times during the email I burst into sobs - proper, deep sobs. I even made a noise at one point (not sure how to articulate this properly!) but it made me really realise quite how hurt I was at the things I was reading. Here is a small section of the email that made me do this:  :'( :'( :'(

I feel scared that now this has come out into the open that we won't be able to tolerate it. What if we can't fix it? What if Paul is put off completely and can't see me any differently after "seeing" it?
 
I feel ashamed that I've done this – that I've let this happen. What if I do lose him ... is our love strong enough for us to climb out of this triangle together and still be okay? I've spent the last 3 years feeling so sure I have finally found "the one". Someone that I feel safe with, secure with, someone I don't worry about cheating on me or leaving me – someone that "gets me", encourages me and supports me. Having someone that understands all that I do in my counselling and can be there for me when I am going through tough times without judgment..  and now I realise we've been in these roles, does that mean none of it was real?

She told me that I was really in touch with the fear and the abandonment and the loss of hope and things like that. I agreed. It felt huge.

Here is another sentence that hurt to read: I know logically it isn't just my fault. It is both of our issues that have allowed for it to happen and I know that I am working on myself in counselling so I am doing the best I can do, but I do feel extremely worried and upset right now that maybe now we've realised, it can't ever be hidden again. I can't bear to think that we might not be "real".




I managed to read the whole email, I was extremely glad to have got to the end of it and then we discussed it.  She told me that its very painful when we realise things in therapy that we've always done - that we couldn't see. She said that it is a good thing, but we have to get through the pain of the realisation first. I told her that I learnt this relationship triangle stuff a year ago but I was too scared to show the article to my boyfriend, in case he left me. She explained that our defences are so strong at first that you won't be able to really "see" yourself in things until you are ready to.  She said that me and my boyfriend have repeated this pattern/cycle a few times since I've been seeing her, she said that it becomes quite disrespectful and that now I've really understood it, I will be able to notice when it is in play and stop it. She said that it can't change overnight and that it's a strong and powerful thing but it's a good thing. I told her that I felt like it meant I could no longer have any needs and she said it doesn't mean that at all - it's just about learning to share the roles between you more and being more adult in your own feelings - not expecting people to automatically know what to do, but to be able to tell each other how you are feeling, ask them for what you need and also if you can't get it, knowing that you will be okay and stuff like that - all a bit much to remember to write properly here right now.

I admitted to her that I felt scared - that it all felt hopeless - that I felt so guilty for everything - she told me that I shouldn't feel guilty, I didn't know what I was doing and also told me that we both played our parts in this, it wasn't more my fault than his. It was just that we were both getting our needs met in a maladaptive way which lead to cycles of resentment which played out in a persecutory way - I hope this makes sense, its hard to digest overnight I think.  She said that all was not lost if my boyfriend was happy to try and sort this out too and she also said that this often happens when one partner has therapy because they start to change and want to pull away from their "role" - mine having been "the victim" and his "the rescuer". She explained to me that he basically dealt with all of my needs instead of his own because he has learnt to disown his own needs... I felt sad for him.  She said that I would do because as you learn to get empathy for ourselves in therapy, we are able to have more for other people. 

We then spoke about my boyfriend's dad/family - we think we have understood why he doesn't like to express his own needs and feelings due to patterns in his dad and his grandparent's relationships. That was something I need to digest further and plan to speak to my boyfriend about. She repeated that she thinks therapy would really help him, I agreed but said I can't see him ever doing it.

I left feeling better although very tired. I actually missed my exit off the a-road on the way home so I must have been deep in thought or maybe a little dissociated or something... I got home, watch tele for 30 minutes and then we went to bed. I felt like my boyfriend was particularly quiet when I got home, he didn't really speak to me much... I wasn't sure whether I was being paranoid or whether perhaps I had picked up on his nervousness about what I might have dealt with /learnt in therapy. I had cried a lot and I think it was quite obvious from my face (it stays red and blotchy for hours) but he didn't say anything.  I remembered that I shouldn't be expecting him to mind-read so unless I had something I wanted to tell him or ask him for, I didn't need to think on it much more.  I am trying.

I went to sleep early and woke up this morning from a very odd dream.  I had gone travelling to Thailand. I was laying around with a group of people, feeling very happy. I was sitting next to a tall man.  For some reason I think his name was Graham but I'm not sure if I've just added that since I woke up LOL!! In the dream, me and Graham were chatting for hours and then I realised that maybe we were flirting with each other - we started to exchange smiles as if we knew we liked each other. We joked about the fact we were both wearing the same dressing-gown! pink ones.... his was only slightly different with some sort of logo or picture on the breast pocket.... we ended up kissing and later in the dream we slept together.  He was very tall (I am very small).  I remember feeling in the dream that I was so happy I had come travelling and said that I had been bored of my life work and my job and now I felt alive.  Suddenly something happened to the man and the sea swept him up - I thought he was dead.  I was crying.  I crawled along the floor to my room but I had splinters in my feet.  Later in the dream, I saw his body on a hospital trolley type thing. Later he came to find me, somehow he had survived!! I was so happy.

I can normally analyse my dreams quite well, but I haven't done that yet so I will do that soon.

Twink.  :blink:

twink, you're a brave and wonderful soul!  congrats to you for doing the tough work.  what an accomplishment!  and you're therapist sounds beautiful, nudging you but allowing you your pace as well.  well done, both of you!

i believe those tears are cleansing tears, bringing out some of the poison of fear that you've been keeping inside, so i'm really glad you were able to release them.   acknowledging those fears is usually difficult and painful, but you did it.  you can  be very proud of yourself.  if it were my place, i'd be very proud of you, too.  wonderful work - no wonder that you were tired afterwards.  it is hard work to say the least!

what your t said about being in therapy, making those changes in ourselves that evolve into changes in the relationship is so true.  would it be possible for your bf to come to therapy with you, some couples counseling at least, to get this explained to him?  just a thought. 

you did good, sweetie, real good.  it was huge, indeed!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 08, 2017, 02:20:02 PM
twink, you're a brave and wonderful soul!  congrats to you for doing the tough work.  what an accomplishment!  and you're therapist sounds beautiful, nudging you but allowing you your pace as well.  well done, both of you!

i believe those tears are cleansing tears, bringing out some of the poison of fear that you've been keeping inside, so i'm really glad you were able to release them.   acknowledging those fears is usually difficult and painful, but you did it.  you can  be very proud of yourself.  if it were my place, i'd be very proud of you, too.  wonderful work - no wonder that you were tired afterwards.  it is hard work to say the least!

what your t said about being in therapy, making those changes in ourselves that evolve into changes in the relationship is so true.  would it be possible for your bf to come to therapy with you, some couples counseling at least, to get this explained to him?  just a thought. 

you did good, sweetie, real good.  it was huge, indeed!

Wow what an amazing message to read. Thank you so, so much sanmagic, you don't know how lovely that message was to read.... it IS tough work and I do feel proud actually, you're right - thank you for saying those things.  I love that you are "there" reading my rambling diary entries as a non-judgmental ear. Thank you.

Re couple's counselling, this was something I have thought about but he isn't "into" that stuff. I guess his defences are still too high. I try to remember that I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years and I can't expect everyone to feel the same as me, I know how slow the process has been for me, even this is a huge example of taking so long to really process despite learning and reading about it over a year ago!!

:hug:

Thursday 9th Feb

Today is therapy day again. I like therapy days, they seem to feel different. I can't entirely work out what the feeling is, but it can change the feel of the day from "ugh, another day" to "oh, its T day, excellent"... isn't that strange.  ???

I thought I would write a quick entry and I thought I would ask myself, how am I feeling today? Then it struck me, that I find it pretty hard to answer that. I mean, if someone else asked me that, I'd just say I'm fine, thanks, or I'm good! but knowing I am writing in my own journal means I can be a bit more honest and think about the answer more and I realised how strange it is that I can't answer that quickly. I have no obvious feeling of sadness or anger or anything - so I guess I am happy... although I'm not hyperactive happy like I can sometimes be.. in fact that seems to have been happening less and less frequently lately. 

After my big session on Tuesday evening, me and my boyfriend had a pretty brief chat last night about things, I told him that I had cried a lot in my session on Tuesday and he seemed genuinely surprised. He asked why and I said the triangle stuff, realising I had been doing this and not realising, the fear that we weren't as happy as I thought we were - he got off his chair and came to cuddle me and I burst into tears again - something has REALLY got me with this stuff, hasn't it!?

He said that we may not be perfect but that we have a relationship that a lot of people would be envious of, I agreed with that but said I was so scared of the things we had done that weren't "healthy" or whatever.  He went into the kitchen to clean up after dinner and I sat at the table and cried again, quite hard. I could feel that I was only crying half as hard as I could have - that was a weird feeling.  I don't know a better of way of describing this, but it was like the depth of the tears were (could have been) soooo deep. 

My boyfriend promised that he would try to open up to me more about how he feels and I said that I felt like such a * when he admitted that when I ask him what he wants, he panics and doesn't tell me because he worries about what I will say or think. I said I hate that he thinks I'm that bad and that I felt so guilty for that. He said it wasn't that he thought I would "kick off" but more that he worried he wouldn't express himself clearly and then I would jump to conclusions and take it out of context and it would upset me.  I said that was a sign that I wasn't patient enough and that hopefully it would get easier now we've had this conversation and with practice.  He agreed and said he promised to try and open up more and relax about things that he worries about.  I told him that I'm not weak and unable to handle things and he said he knew that.  I said that we had to work on things so that if I was upset by something he told me about how he was feeling, that was MY problem to deal with and not his to own. 

Obviously Tuesday night's session and that conversation are emotionally tough so maybe that's why I don't feel hyperactively happy but I don't feel sad either... I just kinda "am"... maybe its even a good thing not to swing from high to low so much? I don't know.

Knowing I'll be back at T's at 1.30 is a good feeling - I don't really know what to expect. I guess she will want to talk about my tears the other night and my reaction to this stuff.. I wonder whether there are more tears yet to come or not? I also think she will ask me how I am feeling knowing that I only have 2 sessions before a week's break - and for the first time I think I am able to admit to her that I am not looking forward to it. I've been on a countdown of the date she's going away since she told me it at our first session back after Christmas.  I guess it unsteadies me because I have become so dependant on my sessions, on her and knowing that even with 2 sessions a week, I still have to reach out to her via email sometimes - I guess there is a panic that I won't be able to handle stuff without her there.  When she's on holiday, I NEVER email her. I do plan to be honest about this today if it comes up, but I am embarrassed about admitting it.  There has been so much shame and embarrassment this week hasn't there?!

Things occupying my mind at the moment are:

• The triangle stuff/stuff with me and my boyfriend
  My reaction on Tuesday and again last night - the crying and how deep it felt
  The shame I've felt this week in particular
  The therapy break coming up
  What my mum said at the weekend about men crying; and
  That dream about the man
  

:wave: x

wow, twink, i'm so glad you and your bf had that talk.  it really sounded like it was hitting some of the basics of your relationship, and i think that the idea of 'practice' was right on the money.  i'm not surprised at the tears - again, i think it was a release of fears you've had around the relationship, because you got not only support but reassurance.  i guess we'll see where it goes from here.  like you said, he's had defenses up, so it may be difficult for him to evolve from the pattern the two of you have been practicing.  but, it sounds like a first step.

an idea popped into my head about couples counseling.  and, this is not to trick or manipulate him, but i do know that sometimes a person in therapy will invite their partner to therapy with them as a way to help them with some of these issues.  in your case, since your bf has put it out on the table that he'll try to tell you how he's feeling, a session or two together could give you both the chance to practice what that would be like, how that change would feel, how you might both react, or how to sidestep any potholes, with your therapist as a guide in case there's an issue.  something to think about, maybe bring it up with your t to talk about if it would be helpful in your relationship from her perspective. 

shame and embarrassment may have raised their heads, but i also think a lot of either/both have been dispelled by your actions, behaviors, and willingness to be vulnerable and take a chance to move forward through the fear.   you may not be feeling much of anything right now cuz you've been through a lot of different feelings in just a few days.  your emotional mind may just be reeling a little bit, trying to right itself.  it's been a lot, twink. 

as far as your break from your t, we will still be here for you if you need us.  i know it's not the same as an actual session, but you're not alone, you do have support here, and you can lean on us if you have to till your t returns.  keep taking care of you.  you're doing wonderfully!   big hug!

Your post made me feel happy for you. I even said "Awwww" out loud! I'm happy to hear he's invested in making it work for you two. Big hug to you both!

Okay so her words are running through my head today over and over again. Sometimes she says something and it's like she is shouting it at me really trying very hard to make me pay attention, to sit up and understand what she is saying (not literally).  I don't know whether it is that she really does say it in a different way, or perhaps that she repeats it enough times that I finally listen or whether sometimes something in me realises somewhere along the line, this is important, Twink, listen up.

Yesterday's words that are having this effect on me were "your needs and feelings are not too much.  You just attract people who cannot handle feelings.  It isn't your feelings – it feels like it is, because everyone around you is the same so you blame yourself, but it isn't you". Or words to that affect anyway, I can't remember the exact words but I remember playing it back to myself at the time thinking "she is saying that it feels like EVERYONE in the world thinks my feelings are too much, only because I've attracted those people around me.... so that's all I know"...

Repetition compulsion at play again I guess.

So, do I believe her? I guess the adult part of me has sat up and thought about this and understood that she is a very clever, knowledgeable lady and what's more, she is a therapist.  It is her job to point things out to me, make me understand and believe them and not lie to me. Yet I guess there is a part of me that still thinks she is just trying to be nice to me and say nice things, whether they are actually true or not.

When I've sent her an email in a dark place, I send it off to her and I don't hold back. It could be full of desperation, loneliness, sadness, anger, fear – any of those things.  All I care about is getting it out of me, making some sense of it and sending it to her "to hold" because she is the only person in the world who could possibly understand what I mean.  Sometimes I worry that my emails have little emotional effect on her and that she reads them like reading a story about a stranger in a magazine, skimming to the important bits just enough to be able to tell me that she has read it and the other half of me thinks that is entirely unfair because she is clearly invested in me and has known me for nearly 3 years, enough to care about me when I'm in pain.. surely?  Anyway, I send her the email, I eventually calm down and return to a bit more of an adult way of feeling and then I'm whacked by this great big shame storm for having been so needy, so desperate, so pathetic. I hate that I've sent it to her and I hate that she has read it and worry she will think "Jesus Christ, will you stop!!".  Obviously she hasn't ever given me any reason for feeling this, although when I emailed her last Tuesday to tell her that I was not looking forward to coming because I really felt so ashamed for having sent such a desperate email a few days before, she didn't reply and that really didn't help contain me when I was already feeling extremely anxious.

She said that she thinks I get this shame attack because I've had it drummed into me that my needs are bad and that my feelings can't be handled. My mum couldn't handle my needs or feelings and made that very clear to me over the years. She said that is why I find it so hard to really bring the feelings into therapy and why I've found it so hard to cry with her because I am so worried I will be too much. Makes sense....

Another thing we spoke about was that when you are a child, you have to keep your parent good – you can't allow yourself to "see" the bad stuff about them.  So you push away anything that doesn't fit with the image you hold of them, the one you want to hold for them.  You idealise them. She also explained to me that in a relationship, at the beginning stages, you idealise your partner and you both project onto each other what you want the other person to be – a while later, maybe years, that projected image starts to fall and you are left with the real person.  She said that it is this stage that effectively makes or breaks a couple. Do you really/still like what you are left with or not?  She said that couples who get through this period are normally pretty set for life. 

I told her that I've been crying so much lately and she asked what the main feeling/fear was. I said I wasn't entirely sure and that it was hard to make any sense of. I thought a while and then I said that I think it's that feeling that "we" weren't really real. That what we've had wasn't as good as I thought it was and that I don't really know him at all.  It made me cry quiet, slow tears again.  She nodded and seemed to understand.  She told me that she thinks although I am starting to use her as the mother figure for transference issues, she thinks I've done a lot of it with My boyfriend.  She said that obviously she can't be there with me at home every day and that he is so she thinks I've maybe done a bit of this with him...

So today I'm trying to digest this... I'm only just now, 3 years in, realising that he isn't able to be emotionally open with me and he can't discuss his feelings, fears etc because of his own things... and I guess that is proving so unbearable for me because I have to "keep him good" like a child has to keep their mum good.  Now that I've had my eyes opened to the truth, that he isn't emotionally available to me, it is killing me because I NEED for him to be what I NEED him to be.. I don't know if this makes any sense but the words seem to be flying out as I process it.

I told her that after our last session, I had sent him an email telling him our theory about why he finds it so hard to be emotionally vulnerable with me and about our theory of why concerning his upbringing and his mum and dad's relationship etc – I told her his reaction which was mainly defensive although he agreed to one small point in it.  She said "you can't be his therapist, don't even try".  I said oh no, I'm not, I just want to help him so that it helps us! But she said "you can't change him".  I didn't like her saying that because I don't want to be someone who is accused of wanting to change someone they love.  I guess I was feeling instantly defensive.  Am I trying to change him? I guess I am, but not because I don't think he is lovely as he is, and not because I don't love him – just because I want so much for our relationship to blossom into a healthy, authentic and equal one and that him being more in touch with his emotions is something that we need to happen... still, I guess the words have stayed with me because she is right. It isn't for me to try and get him to do that – I just want to encourage him to because I guess I worry what the alternative is... if he doesn't ever open up to me and learn to confide in me, will our love stagnate because I will change due to all this therapy and I will one day realise we are incompatible because of it?

I have been so busy playing my part of this relationship triangle business and enjoying the "benefits" of being the victim – getting all the comfort, support, love, advice etc that I hadn't sat up and looked at things in a clear light.  Now I can see that I've attracted a (wonderfully) imperfect man, its scared me.  All I want to be able to do is accept that he is imperfect as we all are, and be able to still feel the love I feel for him.  I hope that is possible more than I can write.  All my previous relationships have been with emotionally unavailable men, and I've spent the last 3 years telling her that he is so different – which is is don't get me wrong!!!! But on this level, they were somewhat the same. That is a hard thing to discover. I had totally idealised him as my perfect saviour – my hero. 

As I write this, I feel totally consumed with my love for him. I can picture his face smiling at me and it makes me feel so happy inside. I truly love him, I hope whatever is next in my therapy teaches me to be able to tolerate any pain I feel which is really aimed at my mother and my loss of what she couldn't give me so that I can keep me and him safe whatever issues we may have to confront together.

Perhaps one day he will agree to some couples counselling – but I can't see it right now.   :wave:

such huge realizations, twink.  the ideal/real dynamic of a relationship, whether it's the one you had with your parents, or with your bf.  the clarity with which you're seeing yourself in regard to those relationships.   being able to separate how you were compared to how you are now. 

if you're feeling confused at all by any of this, i think that's totally normal.  you're in transition by learning all these things.  they're biggies.  keep going slow, don't push, let the transition flow at its own pace.  you'll get to where you want to be at just the right time. 

i think you're doing great, twink.  keep up the good work.  standing right beside you.

Oh thank you!! As always. Your support never falters! I feel like you're becoming my OOTS mum haha!! X

lol!!!   ;D

It's Saturday 11th February and its 2pm. My boyfriend has taken the kids out for a bit and so I have some rare quiet time, well quiet except from the washing machine that is broken and so is spinning so loudly I am sure the whole road can hear it!!

I don't often get a chance to write at the weekend so I thought I would make the most of it whilst I can.  I feel quite happy today. I feel very comforted by little things around me.  Silly things really, I'm drinking tea out of a mug I brought myself a few months ago which I thought was pretty, I have just cleaned the house and so it smells and looks nice, I've been playing my music and I've always loved that.  I finished one of my new books last night and it was fantastic and now I get to start one of my other new books - there is nothing nicer than the first page of a brand new book is there, I even love the smell! Bit weird aren't I? ha.

I've thought about my therapy a lot today, well a lot most days if I'm honest - and so obviously in turn I've thought about my therapist.  I was wondering whilst cleaning, what would life be like without that and her in it? I can't really imagine it, is that strange?

Going to therapy gives me some kind of structure I guess.  I look forward to my sessions in the week (I go twice a week).  I like the journey despite how bloody hard it is sometimes - I like knowing I am improving myself, my life, my chances of my future.  I guess I feel that it makes me more contained and more aware or something... I'm  not entirely sure what the feeling is. 

Having her there in my life has been a wonderful strange experience.  I spent a long time, over 2 years I think, being pretty highly defended that she wasn't that important to me - she was a professional who was pleasant and knowledgeable, but not important to me, no.  In the last few months I have accepted on a conscious level that actually she is extremely important to me.  Isn't it scary to admit that?  Admitting someone is very important to you, to your life leaves you feeling vulnerable to be hurt doesn't it.  I guess that is why I spent so long not acknowledging that attachment to myself. She has never given me any reason to doubt her but the whole paying for her time thing is still in my head I guess. At the end of the day, if I didn't pay her, she wouldn't be there for me - end of.  The adult part of me can talk this part down mostly, in that I pay for her time so she can be doing this with me and not out there doing something else, but her care and thoughts etc are free - those were her words.  Anyway, she is important to me now and I can admit and acknowledge a real connection when I see her. I can feel a very obvious change in me when I leave her on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am starting to be able to admit to feelings of missing her sometimes.  I don't know if it's "her" that I miss, but certainly that connection with someone who understands you more than anyone else really can.  I know my boyfriend might know me better in terms of my quirks or my habits or even my day to day stuff, but she"gets" me on a whole other level - she understands the fears I have of being abandoned, of being seen and rejected - all that stuff. 

She knows it better than me, isn't that weird?!

I am so glad I took myself into therapy 3 years ago. It is the hardest, most life-shaking, wonderful thing I've ever done and for once in my life I can admit to myself that I am PROUD of myself for embarking on this journey.  I've never felt proud of myself before.

If we manage to maintain this relationship, me and her - it may possibly change my whole life.  It might bring me an "earned secure attachment" - I might see the world differently, see myself differently.  Isn't that huge? No pressure on her part hey!! I am learning to be vulnerable and I am learning to trust.  Mostly, I am learning to feel. 

Life feels like it is at a real turning point for me at the moment and I think I feel quite emotional about it today - in a good way. Good emotional.  I want a word to summarise that feeling and I can think of is "embracing".  I am embracing the changes right now. 

Twink x

hey, twink, it already sounds like your whole life is changing.  being able to admit the importance of someone in your life, allowing yourself to rely on her, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, getting out of denial of what she means to you, what the relationship means to you, being able to feel proud of yourself for the first time - wow!  i'd say those are life-changing, each and every one of them.  and kudos to you for putting yourself in such a situation that would allow and encourage all these wonderful things to happen.

embrace is such a great word, such a beautiful concept.  to be embraced rather than held, to embrace a feeling rather than simply acknowledging it, to embrace your life and all that means rather than just going through the living of it.  huge, in my opinion.  i love the word and the concept it embraces!

i love to read, too, and i'm with you on the opening a book to the first page, beginning a new adventure of the mind and imagination.  do you know there are candles that smell like books?  i've seen them online, so, no, i don't think you're weird.  it seems that there are lots of people who love that smell as well.

i don't think it's strange that you can't imagine your life without your therapist right now.  you're in the midst of an exploration trip with her.  she's like the guide, and, yeah, she should know the terrain better than you.  that's why we hire guides, for their expertise.   who knows what the future holds, but for now i'm really glad she's there with you, helping you find your way down the river and through the forest, giving you the help and support you need to traverse the trail while giving you the tips and tricks you need to learn to become more independent in doing it.

i'm so glad you had some time for yourself this weekend.  enjoy your time, your house, your tea in your pretty mug, and most of all, enjoy yourself enjoying all these things.  big hug to you dear twink.

Driving to my session last night I realised that I didn't want to be driving. I didn't want to be in control of the car and I felt like I wasn't "there" enough.  Something felt wrong and I felt nervous to be driving. Part of me wished I hadn't passed my test last September.  This was a bit of a strange feeling for me to have because since passing my test, I've really enjoyed driving and have recently got very confident.  That was a sign for me that I've had before... something was going on in my body.  When I arrived, I was relieved I had got there okay. My body physically deflated and I realised I had been holding a lot of tension in my shoulders.

My therapist opened the session as normal, "How's Twinkletoes" and I said my usual response – "Yeah, I'm fine..".  She always repeats this and laughs – not in a cruel way but it's always enough to make me try to elaborate or say something else.  "I'm fine really is a non-committal statement isn't it?".  I told her how I felt on the drive over and that I've noticed it before – she said perhaps I was nervous about coming and I said I didn't feel nervous, but it has happened a few times and it feels like I can't concentrate – like my head is foggy..

I also told her that I had my yearly appraisal at work during the day and she asked how it went. I said that it was okay, I pulled a bit of a "sulky" face and said that they had told me they thought I had become a bit complacent and that they thought I could do more.  They told me that I never left my comfort zone and they wanted me to try some new things and take on some new responsibility. I told her that when they spoke to me about this stuff, I had burst into tears and was shocked by that – it had left me feeling a bit sad all day. 

T asked me what it was that had made me cry.  I said I wasn't really sure, but that it was true what they had said and for some reason it had provoked that response from me so suddenly I didn't have time to think about it! She told me that she thought perhaps I had realised quite how much my childhood/the trauma etc had such an effect on me. How it/my mother has held me back in life and how I could have had a different life.  She asked whether I felt the sadness of that.  I said I wasn't sure. I said I just feel bored in life in regards to my job. I don't have any passion for it, it is mind-numbingly boring at the best of times and I've wanted to do something else for many years, but I never do.  She asked me why and I said I wasn't sure but I was scared to look stupid.  We discussed where this thought came from and I said I don't know. We then spoke in detail about how it is my mother's internalised voice – not my own and that it's the "inner critic" and I should try and fight against it and not believe it. 

I told her that although this may be the case, it feels like my voice and I do really believe the things it says – it isn't like I am aware they aren't my thoughts.  She tried to explain to me that they are my thoughts, but only because of her.  Because I didn't have the kind, encouraging, supportive words I should have done. 

We went on to discuss different career options, college, university courses and various things – I felt like I had a reason none of them could work.  She said sometimes it's scary to think that everything could change and I cried again.  I said my boss had told me that everything in my life was comfortable and that I should try and change things up a bit – she understood that maybe it looks that way to him, but in therapy, everything is changing.  She said perhaps I needed that anchor of something staying the same whilst I dealt with this stuff and I agreed although said I felt this was also a bit of an excuse on my part. I know I would be much happier if I felt excited and challenged by a new job.  I told her that I used to love learning. I love reading, I love writing – I like highlighting things and the feeling you get when you really understand something you've just learnt, how it opens your mind up to wanting to learn more and more and more..... she told me to try and stay with thoughts like that. 

I told her that being called "Saffy" and a "boffin" when I was young doesn't help and she told me off for saying them things and didn't laugh with me at all. I felt embarrassed and like I'd been told off my a teacher or parent.  Naughty Twink!

After a while, conversation moved on and eventually she brought up the therapy break next week.  Despite what she thinks, she hasn't asked me how I feel about it. I have been waiting for her to ask me and I've been equally dreading and wishing she would – very conflicting I know. She still didn't ask but she didn't need to as she started to speak about how the breaks generally can be tough, I began crying again. I felt very embarrassed.  She said that she could see I was upset and that she really did understand etc – luckily I didn't need to say much. She reiterated like last week that I can email/text her and ask if "she is there" and that she would reply to tell me she is, but I am struggling to see how that will help me right now.  I don't need to know she is "there" – when "there" just means somewhere in the world. When I feel those needy feelings for her, it's because I need to see her, be with her, feel the connection and cry to her – or whatever it is... even so, I do appreciate the reason behind her saying it.

But then she made a joke.... "I will wait a few weeks before giving you my Easter dates" *laughs*  :no:

..... ..... Child me is not happy about that joke. It felt very insensitive when I was sat there with tears running down my face regarding the therapy break. However, of course, I laughed along.....   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

well, twink, color me 'out of it' but i didn't understand her joke at the end, and i also didn't understand your words 'boffin' and 'saffy'.    so, i missed something here.  not your fault, just that i don't know what they all meant.  it happens with my hub a lot - he'll say things that he expects me to understand, and i just don't get it, for whatever reason.  i don't know.

as far as the rest of it goes, do you think you've become complacent at your job?  do you want to stir things up a little for yourself, maybe that would make it more enjoyable?  do you want a different job?  is there something going on in the back of your mind that you can't quite reach yet about working/doing something different?  i'm not looking for answers, just some questions that popped into my brain.

i know this break with your t is wreaking havoc with your emotions lately.   sometimes, when i have something to do that i'm not looking forward to, i picture myself having it all over with and my life being back to 'normal'.   for some reason it helps me to be able to picture the situation being over and done.  it's going to be uncomfortable, emotional, and maybe knock you off track for the time she's gone, but being the fighter you are, i also know that you'll get through it and come out the other side all right. 

hang tough, twink - hangin' right beside you. 

Hey!

Her "joke" was meant like - I won't tell you the next set of dates that I'm going to be away then!!  - because I was crying....

Sorry, so Boffin is a derogatory term that means geek - someone who likes learning/is always reading etc.  "Saffy" - was a character in a programme in the UK in the 90s called "Absolutely Fabulous" and "Saffy" is the daughter of a Narcissist (like me) who was the opposite of her mother. She was more serious and more organised and sensible - whereas her mother liked to go out clubbing and drinking and stay up late, that sort of thing. Role-reversal between the mother and daughter and that is exactly why my mother used to call me "Saffy" when I was being, in her eyes, boring.

Re the job. Yes, I would like to stir things up for myself. I would like to find something different but I don't know what. I've done this job for ten years now and I have no other qualifications.  I agree that I stay inside my comfort zones for sure - I admitted that - I think that I cried because the truth hurt.

Reasons I haven't looked for another job - fear for sure. The worry I will be bad at it, look stupid - be laughed at - wish I had never left, that kind of stuff.

Thank you for that idea, I will certainly try it. I will write a lot - I always write a lot but particularly in the break, it seems to help somehow.

Thanks as always Sanmagic7!! sending you hugs xx

hey, twink,

i know 'saffy' now - i'm a huge ab fab fan, have watched every episode i could get my hands on over and over.  but, how mean to call you that because someone thought you were 'boring'.  saffy, in the show, was actually not boring - she had a lovely life with good friends, an academic goal, and some extra-curricular 'activities' that surprised even her mother.  she just wasn't over the top like her mum and patsy were.  i loved the 'saffy' character.  that's just plain mean and nasty to call you derogatory names because you enjoyed studying and learning.  ugh!  sorry you had to go through that.

thanks for the explanations.  they all make sense to me now.  i guess your t was trying to be lighthearted, but i think her timing was off.  it just didn't set right for you.  not your fault. 

writing also helps me during stressful times.  i'm glad you have that resource for yourself. 

you'll do what you feel best about your job.  is there something you can do where you're at to get out of that 'comfort zone'?  when you were told you were complacent, what kinds of expectations do they have for you to do something different?  anything worth exploring?

didn't you once write that you couldn't cry  in therapy?  it seems like you've overcome that hurdle.  i say, good for you.  i think we've held so many tears for so long that, even tho it may feel uncomfortable, it's really a good thing to finally let them flow.  they're taking the poison out and helping your mind and body heal.  that's how i see it anyway.  they're also a normal expression of pain and sadness, which we often weren't allowed to express without severely neg. consequences.  i know that one from experience.

so, ever forward, twink.  i think you're doing really great.  sending hugs right back to you, too.     :hug:

Howdy, it is Friday 17th February just before 2pm in the afternoon.  I am working from home today so taking the opportunity in my lunch break to write.

It was my last session before the therapy break yesterday and I had forgotten! I'm not entirely sure how that is possible given I've spent over a month in countdown for it and spent Tuesday night's session crying at the thought of it - defences? Maybe.

The session yesterday was very light-hearted. Very different from Tuesday's session where I cried a fair bit.  I wanted to find something to connect with her on in one way, yet in another, it is easier to leave for the break on more of a light-hearted chat... I guess it depends what mood I am in on the day.

I slept heavily last night and I know that I dreamt about her - I remember waking (I think) and "understanding" something about her - I can't articulate this very well because the memory is now hazy - more or less gone.  It was like I accepted or understood something from the child's point of view - my inner child that is.. but now it's gone away again and I can't get it back. 

I read some articles this morning in bed about the therapy break and I had tears falling down my face again... one thing that I hate about it is that it hasn't even begun yet - I wouldn't normally see her again until next Tuesday, yet the countdown to the break being over has already started ... that makes me feel both sad and needy. 

I was reading a wonderful book which I finished today, the ending of which was very tear-jerking and I cried again. I've been wanting to write here or on my blog but I don't know what it is I have to say. How do I feel and what am I thinking and feeling? I don't know. What would happen in an ideal world - I still don't know.

I've worked in absolute silence today. No TV, no radio. Absolutely no background noise and that is unheard of for me - does that mean my brain is noisy enough with unconscious thoughts that I just can't grasp?

I look around the house and notice I need to clean,  the house needs hovering and dusting - bathroom needs bleaching yet I just don't want to do it.  I am usually extremely OCD about this so that is also weird. Have I regressed or have I put my barriers back up to defend myself for this break and I'm having a strop? Am I angry? I don't seem to have the answers. I guess that's okay, isn't it?

My T says that I like everything to be neat and tidy - to have its place - to be understood.... she says that I don't like my "messy feelings" and we've been working on trying to get me to stay with them - to tolerate them but not let them overcome me.  So this is a work in progress but this is me saying - I don't know how I feel today but I won't lie, the break that I am already "in" in my head, sucks arse.

it's absolutely ok not to have the answers.  the process flows and we flow with it, not always knowing where it's heading.  all we need do is have faith - we'll get to where we need to go in time. 

along the way are the dreams that we can't really grasp, the silence that we allow in place of distraction, the differences in behavior that we notice, how what once was so important doesn't seem so much now (maybe for the moment, maybe for longer).  our brains are working hard at this recovery as we keep adding new information, new insights, new realizations. 

i think you're doing a fine job of letting yourself go with the flow.   this break from your t is major for you right now, but as the days go by, you'll get through it.  you're showing your strength, even if you don't realize it.  i'm going to miss some of this break cuz i'll be visiting my daughter, but i know you'll get through it.  it will be ok, maybe a bit rocky, but ok, and so will you.  big hug, twink!

***Warning - very desperate and needy post ***

Have I been triggered by T being away?

I can't make any sense of what is going on in my head but I don't like it. It is horrible. It makes me want to scream and cry and punch things and cry some more. My mind is absolutely consumed with therapy things and the fact that T is off this week – yet I wouldn't even have a session until tomorrow anyway, so how does that work? I keep reading and writing hoping to suddenly "get" something to make this all hurt less... but all it does is make it worse. I'm trying to intellectualise it away.

I hate the break, it is really painful this time, really, really horrible. I never understood when she used to say it might bring up painful feelings – I didn't foresee it feeling like this. I read earlier that missing your T can feel like missing a friend when they go away, but it is nothing like that at all. If my best friend went on holiday, it wouldn't make any real difference to me for a week – or even two.  We might have contact via text, but that's all. T said if I needed to, I could send her a text message to ask her "are you there" but as I've said previously in a blog, how is that meant to help me when "there" is just somewhere that I'm not??

I keep thinking that maybe this is how I felt as a child when my mum went away. Maybe these feelings are emotional flashbacks, but I can't remember.

I don't know if it's worse knowing she is at home and not physically far away or whether it would be harder knowing she was miles away on a beach abroad somewhere. I can't work out why I wouldn't be feeling like this if she weren't on a break because I wouldn't be seeing her yet anyway!! so why is it making such a huge difference to how I feel?

I feel like the child part of me is in charge at the moment. I didn't want to go to work today, I really felt very down the second I opened my eyes. I forced myself to go, obviously, but it was hard. I feel very miserable and I can't even explain why. I am even questioning whether it is about her being away or whether I've just made that up.

I want to hide away yet my thoughts are so loud that I don't want to be alone because then they would be even louder. I know I sound desperate.

It's made me realise this was how I felt at Christmas those days when I felt so miserable and cried easily – it is exactly the same. Those feelings kicked in very quickly after my last session to, and before I would normally see her again.

I don't like this feeling of being left to fend for myself, without therapy. It makes me want to cry. I can't handle things on my own. I need to check in with her twice a week – it makes my weeks okay. I need the connection and I need to see her and talk to her. I need the understanding, the smiles and the odd "in joke".  It feels like I'm suddenly obsessed with it all – I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I am a grown woman and not that child anymore, but it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

I'm already thinking about the Easter break and that makes me want to scream. After Easter it's summer break – her's and mine – constant breaks all the time, why?????????????????????  All that therapy breaks do is BREAK ME.

I could never imagine a year or two ago having these feelings because of the breaks. I used to laugh at the thought that you could feel so strongly because your therapist had some time off, I admit I thought it was a bit pathetic really. Now I am in panic because what if this is only the start? What if there are more horrible feelings and thoughts like this? I just want to make some sense of them so they don't feel so powerful and so confusing.

I don't like feeling this needy and this vulnerable and weak and young. How the * did I cope with these feelings when I was actually young? How didn't I die?

It feels like life and death – clinging on, surviving. So bloody dramatic.

Why won't I just send her a message? I am adamant that I won't – my reason being that it won't help or it will make me miss her more. It's like I'm punishing myself somehow or just trying to take some control back over feeling so, well, out of control.

hey, twink,

dang, how horribly hard this has hit you.  my heart goes out to you, sweetie.

i call these times being 'messy'.  when i've felt like this, i just felt like a mess, like everything around me was a mess, and that trying to get through it was messier still.  but, get through it you shall, dear twink.  maybe not in the prettiest way nor the most comfortable or efficient way, but you will get through it.  that's all we need do - just get through it. 

after i'd done several of these episodes, i came to realize this about myself - that it's ok to be messy at times!  we don't have to get through these times of turbulence perfectly, and there's nothing shameful or bad about being messy.  it's like schlupping through the muck to get back to dry land.  one foot in front of the other and eventually the muck will be behind us.  you're doing ok, twink.  just a bit messy is all.  nothing wrong with that.

big hug to you.  standing right beside you.

I have neglected my journal here thanks to my new found blogging experience - come check me out anyone who is interested - for now though, I am going to post here what I have posted there so I can keep my journey up to date.

www.unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com

Written on 21 February

I was in a really horrible and desperate place yesterday.  Today, it feels as though the child part of me – I will call her "Little Twink" has settled back down.  Perhaps she is taking a nap after exhausting herself being so hypervigilent and alert yesterday.

Yesterday (and Sunday) I was really feeling these child-like feelings of abandonment and pain. Sadness, grief, worry, embarrassment – all of it. The post I wrote yesterday was as raw as they come. I very nearly didn't post it because it is embarrassing to me to have feelings that strong, that needy and that dramatic, but, the point of this blog is to share my therapy journey and so it wouldn't be right to not include these darker moments with you all.  Being able to accept these feelings as being "allowed" is still very much a work in progress for me.  I hope that by sharing some of this darker more desperate stuff, people are able to see that they are not alone if they experience similar things and on a totally selfish note, it helps to validate my pain when people tell me they understand it too. Win-Win right?!

Looking back to yesterday, everything felt so terrible. Everything was going wrong – it all felt so hopeless and just, well, *! Today, I feel so much better. I am smiling again, I am laughing again and I feel in my "adult" brain again.  I have been trying to understand what took me out of that place and I don't really know.  Perhaps I just felt everything enough to let it pass?

When I regress like yesterday and Little Twink takes over, it's nearly impossible to imagine feeling better.  When the adult me is back in control, it's hard to imagine having felt that bad!  It's a weird concept.  I knew the second I opened my eyes this morning that today was going to be a better day. The first thought I had when opening them was that I had been able to sleep, all night, unlike Sunday night – that seemed to make things better immediately. I managed to get out of bed easier and the day just seemed "lighter" somehow.  When I was on the bus to the station this morning, I read a few posts on here that made me smile – they genuinely lifted my spirits and when I caught myself physically smiling (like a loon on her own!) on the bus, I knew adult me was back!

I hope that Little Twink has settled down because she feels heard and reassured and not because I've shamed her to pipe down. It's hard to tell isn't it? I am aware as I read this blog entry back to myself before posting that that my need to refer to those feelings in me as another person/part of me – Little Twink – and by using words like she and her I am objectifying to make it easier to tolerate. Baby steps.

I read about emotional flashbacks ages ago. Pete Walker's work talks to me as though it was written for me alone.

When I read sentences like this "Flashbacks strand clients in the feelings of danger, helplessness and hopelessness of their original abandonment, when there was no safe parental figure to go to for comfort and support" I can rationalise that I can tell my T the feelings I had yesterday without feeling hideously embarrassed because she knows this stuff isn't really about her – it's transference.  Yet, there is still a huge part of me that finds the whole thing so scary. I am learning that for me to really, truly need or depend on her (anyone?) it scares the living daylights out of me – I think this is actually what triggered all of this in the first place.  To acknowledge and admit that her being away for one week could cause such awful angst and sadness is one * of an insight for me – but I am glad that I am starting to be able to let the feelings in because for the last 2 years, I've been adamant that I've had no feelings whatsoever about the breaks.... Clearly my unhelpful defence mechanisms are starting to thaw – and that is progress.

Anyway, thank again everyone. I am sure there will be much more where that came from!

23 February

Last night I went out for a "date" with my lovely other half. Conversation somehow found it's way to friendships and one friend in particular. Or should I say, Ex-friend.

Last August I cut ties with one of my closest friends after a particularly brutal verbal attack.  It was the last in a very long line of them but this time I just had enough.

She wasn't a typically "nice" person. She did sometimes do and say some awful things, un-PC things, shocking things.  I had learnt to laugh them off, shrug them off or just roll my eyes at her and shake my head.  Don't get me wrong, I did tell her she was wrong – countless times but it always fell on deaf ears and I didn't want to always spend my time telling her what she should and shouldn't say or do.  That was up to her.

Anyway, cutting to the chase – I've been without said ex-friend now for about 5 months. We had been very close friends, at least in my eyes, for about 8 years. I miss her sometimes and particularly when I've had a glass of vino like last night or when I'm feeling lonely.

I don't have many friends. I have some friends and I have my boyfriend and step-kids, but the horrible, hard truth is that ex-friend and my mother are both very narcissistic: I've "lost" them both recently, or so it seems.

Actually, I don't think I should say lost because it's been my choice – what would the right word be?  I'm leaning to remove the negative things and people from my life. Both of these women hurt me over and over again, for years and I just used to let it happen. I'm not actually sure I even knew it was wrong at the time.

Trying to explain to my boyfriend that despite her/their horrible ways and the many ways she/they hurt me and knocked me down time and time again, I did love her and I did get something from our friendship, but it's like persuading someone that Hannibal Lecter was a nice guy!!

I miss having someone I could go out with once every few weeks and have a drink with, talk rubbish with – connect with (although looking back, I guess it wasn't an authentic connection) and just relax with.

I know deep down, I can't have really relaxed, not properly, because I was always on guard for an attack or at least repairing the attacks she spat at the bar staff or innocent people sat nearby.

Realising that ex-friend and mother are exactly the same is still a shock sometimes.  You know the kind of thing that you know, but you get reminded and it's like you've just realised all over again?

The fact that I accepted and loved both these people for so long still hurts me. How was I so blind for so long? And now I can "see" how can I miss someone so bad for me?

Another example of the inevitable pain that comes with recovery I guess. Newly educated, logical mind tells you that "X" is bad. Old mind wants what is "normal" and misses it's old creature comforts – be that abusive or not.  Perhaps it is fear of the unknown or maybe it's just that familiar is comfortable, whether it's good for you or not.

It's our default position and that is what we are fighting against all the time in recovery.  Fighting against repetition compulsion.

Weirdly, I've noticed that I never want to text or call my mother anymore. Never. I guess I've replaced her with my new "good mother" – the therapist.

The journey continues....

24 February

The definition of object constancy, according to one of my favourite sites for C-PTSD is "An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision"

As I understand it, a lack of object constancy is a result of insecure attachments to caregivers when we are young. It means that those who suffer from a lack of object constancy are kinda stuck at that development stage, having never successfully managed to pass through it.  At that age (about 2 or 3), when your caregivers leave, you are naturally frightened, sad and worried that they will be gone forever, but with any luck, you have a decent caregiver who models to you time and time again, that they will return and so you manage to learn that you don't need to worry – that said caregiver is still "there" somewhere and will return.  You learn to self-sooth and use your internalized image until they return to comfort you again. You gain "object constancy".

Unfortunately when you don't have a decent caregiver like moi, you don't learn that and so when someone isn't around, you still feel those infantile feelings of abandonment, panic, fear and/or anger and you begin to question whether that relationship even exists anymore. This is what causes the panic, the clinginess, the jealousy and can drive our partners crazy.  It is what makes us feel "needy" when we compare ourselves to others who don't suffer from a lack of object constancy. Having a lack of object constancy makes us insecure – literally.  For example, if my boyfriend is out and doesn't contact me all day – I won't automatically think that he is just busy and will contact me later.  No, obviously he doesn't love me anymore, is planning to leave me or worse – is dead!! Dramatic isn't it?

Learning about this has really helped me because now when I get these feelings and thoughts, the adult part of me can (try to) calm myself down. Easier said than done I must say, just see Emotional Flashback? for proof that I can't think my way out of the feelings, but it does help to understand that I'm not "crazy". God how hard I used to try to be "casual" and "calm" in relationships – I tried so hard to be the laid back girlfriend that boys wanted but eventually my true colours would come glaring out – usually after a few vinos and that was not a pretty sight believe me!!   The worst thing about this is that when I eventually unleashed the crazy, it was the beginning of the end in my relationships and so my worst fears would then be realised – da daaaaaa!! It's a wonder I'm in therapy isn't it?

Anyway, I've been thinking today about all this object constancy stuff in relation to this therapy break... I think this explains a lot for me. It explains why I felt so awful on Monday. She was gone physically so to me, having a lack of object constancy, she was gone forever. That brought all my feelings of panic, abandonment, terror and grief flooding back.  I've since calmed down because I can reasonably talk myself down to a degree, knowing that she will be back, just like she has every single time before.  The logical stuff can work to a degree, but poor Little Twink, she couldn't rationalise that way could she?  She didn't have a good role model like T showing her this stuff and she didn't have a "good enough mother" either.

I guess that the fact I can't "hold someone in mind" positively for very long is probably why I assume nobody can hold me in mind either?  That would make sense.  Clearly I am painting everyone with the same brush!! I did think this morning that Monday was particularly awful but since then I've been okay. I don't know if I've just gone into "self-sufficient mode" because I've repressed any feelings since or whether I've genuinely been able to calm myself down enough with this logical thinking (or if that is even how it works?).  I also thought that although I'm okay, I am looking forward to next Tuesday and that I would absolutely hate it if I no longer had therapy with her anymore.  I also admit (cringing) that it does feel like she is no longer alive when she isn't here... and that I will be anxious when I wake up on Tuesday – what I am nervous of I have absolutely no idea!!

This is another one of those things that I knew already – but know a bit more today.

T is re-parenting me by constantly showing me that she will return – like, I guess, most people will in this world. .....Just not my mother.

27 February

I started drafting this about 2 hours ago.  It was feeling very confused, but since typing it all out, I seem to have made some sense of it.  This is what I love about writing and about blogging. It helps me to un-jumble all the chaotic thoughts and organise them a little better.

It's Monday 27th February today and I have called in sick at work. I woke up early this morning with such a pounding headache.  That and the familiar sense of sadness.  I hate that feeling. It is so obvious even when you've only been awake for seconds and you know the likelihood is, it isn't going anywhere for at least the rest of the day.  Not a nice start to the day, or the week!

The thing is though, tomorrow happens to be "Return To Therapy" day and so I don't think it is a huge coincidence that I feel like this.  I often have a lot of physical responses to therapy stuff (read: feelings).

Tomorrow will be the first session back after 12 days.  Today is day 11 (obviously) and yes, I have been counting! On the whole, I've done okay. Last Sunday and Monday were pretty awful, but since then I seem to have been in "adult functioning" mode and have been able to get on with life and not feel that sense of doom and panic that I had.

An hour or so ago, I re-read the post from last Monday and I cried. It felt as though it got me back in touch with those feelings again. I wonder if I am a bit regressed today. I think Little Twink is around.

All I have wanted for the last 11 days is to be back in there with her, so you would think today I would be excited and happy wouldn't you? But no. I feel weird. I feel anxious, nervous even, and physically my head is banging so hard it's like a door knocker!

What am I nervous about?
•Am I scared she will have changed?
•Am I scared it will all be a big anti-climax?
•Am I scared she will extend her break at the last minute?
•Am I scared of overwhelming her with all the stored up needs from the last 12 days?
•Am I scared of admitting how needy I've felt and telling her the real feelings I've had?

I think given how easily that list was to write, the answer is probably yes to all of them.

It has made me question whether this is how I felt as a child when my mum was due back from one of her latest holidays. Did I feel nervous then? I can't remember.  One thing I do remember is that she would be really "nice" for a little while and then everything would go back to normal and that seemed to hurt more than if she had stayed the same.  I guess it was that bit of hope that things were different at last ... and then that sense of utter devastation that nothing was different at all  would hit. And it hurt like *.

I don't think that bit applies to therapy though, because I don't want anything to change and she doesn't need to be "nicer" than normal, because she isn't like that.  Maybe old habits die hard?

This cocktail of feelings is unnerving. The mixture of anticipation, excitement, panic, dread – it is horrible.

I have read on the net today that lots of people feel angry towards their T on the return to therapy. Anger for having left them alone or anger as a defense to their painful feelings of abandonment. I don't feel angry.  T has often told me that it is okay to feel angry feelings about her and that it is natural but consciously at least, I have none. Maybe unconsciously I do? Who know's?

I have known for the last 11 days that today would bring these feelings of anxiety and nervousness, so it's nothing I didn't predict already. I've felt this way before.

I have tried to intellectualize my way out of this today and it has helped a little – I know that isn't a good thing really, but it helps me to feel the feelings with less shame. It at least stops me from denying them completely.

For anyone who hasn't watched The Strange Situation,who struggles with these feelings, give it a watch now, it is incredible. It models attachment styles in babies beautifully. It reminds me that a lot of these feelings are all due to my particular attachment style which is either anxious or disorganised. T says I flip between the two.

With that in mind, I can appreciate that it is transference making me feel this way today.

Because of my attachment style I experience a really high amount of distress when I am not with my caregiver (therapist).  I can't soothe myself well and I therefore stay hyper-vigilant whilst she is gone.  When she returns, I remain just as fired-up because I don't know what I am going to get. The good mother or the bad mother.  I guess that does link in with my memory from childhood actually doesn't it? How long will the niceness last? How long until I have to feel the same again? I guess that is why I have often gone back to therapy after a break with "no feelings" and nothing to discuss, because if you want to keep your caregiver good after they've been away, you keep any "bad" feelings away don't you? You stay good.

That isn't going to work tomorrow because I have a whole host of feelings ready to take to her.  I guess THAT is what is making me anxious.

1 March

Hey guys.

So I went back to therapy last night! It was.. what was it? It was lots of things.

This is a (lengthy) post about how it went. I'm not sure it will be of much interest or use to anyone else but I want to post it because it helps me to process the session and it is good for me to be able to look back on it.

I was very nervous about going back last night. The anxiety had really set in as I pulled up outside her house. I didn't know what to say to her, what she would ask me or how I would feel. I kept trying to decide what things I would tell her and in what order – trying to plan the structure of the session I guess. I had printed off my blogs during the break and thought I would take them in with me.

First of all, I decided to make myself tell her the two things I wrote about at the very beginning of the break.

Challenge 1: Tell her that I have a blog and that I hadn't felt I could tell her before the break.

I told her that I had something to tell her and that I should have told her before the break, but that I hadn't. She questioned whether I had wanted to tell her but hadn't got to it and I said no, I hadn't wanted to tell her at the time, but had since written about it and had decided that I should tell her.  She reacted well. She didn't seem shocked or hurt and she reassured me that she would never go looking for my blog if I was worried about her invading my privacy.  I said it wasn't that.

I told her that during the break I figured it was because whenever I started anything new or exciting, my mum would always ruin it and so I think I was trying to "keep it safe".  I also told her about my little Freudian slip, but it seems that she hadn't noticed anyway.  I also told her that when she asked if I write things in my "journal", that I don't tell her – I had lied when I said no.  She understood and said it is scary.  She also said that it must have been hard having to "hold" that all of that time.

Challenge 2: Tell her that she had upset me with her joke about the Easter Break.

This is the thing I was dreading the most.

I decided to force myself to tell her that her joke about not telling me her Easter holiday dates had upset me. She said it nicely and as a joke – I think to cheer me up! but it had played on my mind and upset me a bit.

She apologised (quite a few times actually) and she also said that she didn't think she had meant it as a joke – that she genuinely was concerned that her Easter holiday would be coming up quickly and as this February holiday wasn't one she normally took off, they would be very close together. Either way, it lead to a helpful discussion that we would, in her words, "need to be creative about the Easter break" and that we would need to "think about it carefully".

I'm not entirely sure what she meant by this, but I perceived it to mean that we would need to discuss things to help during the break. Maybe contact or maybe a transitional object or something.  I don't know.

It led to a discussion about transitional objects though, which I had secretly been thinking about for a while but never had the guts to ask for.  She said she thinks perhaps we should think about that and I agreed (I shocked myself!) and I asked her what she thought would help?  She said that she would be "guided" by me. I would rather I was guided by her, but I got the point.

She told me that when she was in therapy herself, her T used to "charge up" a scarf for her and then let her have it.  I love it when she tells me things from her own therapy.  I like to know things about her and I only get very small snippets now and again. She also explained to me that the reason she was telling me that was to normalise it for me a bit – I told her I found it very useful and it definitely helped to normalise the feelings.

So the two scary challenges were over. Breatheeeee.

I then told her I had printed all of my blogs and I read them all to her. Some parts of them were pretty cringe... some parts I didn't like reading out at all, but the hardest bit was reading out Emotional Flashback? – Jesus that was tough.

I sobbed my way through it. I shocked myself how easily I got back in touch with those feelings. I cried a lot, my shoulders and back started to hurt which often happens when I am stressed. I was hot, my chest became very tight, I couldn't breathe.. it really was very tough. It is hard to articulate.

She was great though and she sat with me through it all. I noticed that I couldn't look at her because I felt very embarrassed.  She said things to calm and reassure me like how she was there with me, that she was there now – we were together now, that kind of thing.  It was probably the most vulnerable I've felt with her to date. The good thing is, nothing I said seemed to shock her. Nothing seemed to annoy her or upset her – she just seemed.... compassionate I suppose? She told me that my words had "moved" her.

At one point in the session, she told me that although there was a lot of replay being done and transference etc, that the feelings were still real. She told me that she does care for me (I can't remember the words she used). I felt embarrassed by her words and couldn't look at her. She has never told me she has any feelings for me before and despite hoping she did, hearing her say the words was lovely but oh so awkward! I felt a lump in my throat which luckily I managed to swallow down.

After that was out of the way, I read Object Constancy which was pretty cringe-worthy as it did mention that when she's gone, it feels like she is dead.......... LOL!! But she didn't seem particularly surprised, or hurt, so that was a relief.

The other blogs were a lot easier to read. We spoke them through and at the end she told me how I really had worked very hard. I really liked that she acknowledged this because I had worked hard.

The hour flew by, I hate how quickly a therapy hour goes, but I think I crammed everything in I needed – I would have hated to have finished having only got some of it out. I'm not sure how that would have felt.

When I left, I wasn't really sure how I felt. I drove home and felt tired – I think I felt emotionally drained, which I often do after crying like that.

I had an interesting dream last night which is very clearly about her and the divide between her "therapy room" and her home.  I think this was because we had discussed whether it is better for me to know where she is/what she is doing when on a break or not.

I said I wasn't sure because in one way it was easier knowing she was at home and not miles away: yet at the same time it was harder because she was close, but not available to me. [For context, she had time off to get some work done to her house and in the dream I went into her house and she asked me if I liked her new decorations. I said I did, but I was lying because I hadn't turned the light on and so I couldn't see!].

If you've made it this far, then thanks and well done!

Ah thank you so much for that lovely comment! It made me smile as I read it. It's a hard thing feeling proud of yourself but I guess I am! It was scary and I'm a little nervous to see her again this afternoon because we will no doubt discuss it all.. ahh!! Anyway, thank you xx

3 March

Yesterday T mentioned something about erotic transference and said that I might experience this. I looked at her as though she was talking another language.

Why would I have erotic feelings towards her? a woman when I am straight?

Then I panicked that she might think I was defending myself too much and tried to calm down the shock that was clearly radiating off of me.  Agghhhh! (the problems of allowing yourself to be analysed!).

She explained to me that erotic transference is a perfectly normal part of the process for some people and that it is nothing to be scared of. I said that I've read about it, but it isn't something I've felt and said that I can't imagine I would. I told her that I thought erotic transference only applied to male/female therapist and patient but it appears not.

T explained to me that erotic transference actually stems from infantile feelings of desire. Being seen, heard, held, accepted, soothed etc, but that because we are adults we view the feelings as being adult sexual feelings, rather than the innocent "love" feelings that a child would have.

I've done some research on this today and from what I have understood, it's the intoxication of finally feeling noticed and understood instead of feeling rejected – which is what a lot of us in psychotherapy have felt our whole lives. That feeling becomes addictive and we want more – we feel special to our therapist and we want them for ourselves. We don't want to share them with other clients or with their family and that "love" can lead to the erotic transference mentioned above.  Apparently it is the desire in you for love in general – not actually the person who is giving you the love and that is what you work through in therapy when/if erotic transference takes place.

T said that if this happens, I should just "enjoy" the feeling and not be scared by it.  The first thought I had when she said this to me was "wow, that must be super weird for you".  Knowing her clients might have (what they deem) as sexual feelings towards her... that would creep me the f out!  I guess that is one of many reasons I am this side of the couch!

Then T said something which has stuck with me ever since.

"I think it is highly likely you will experience this given the way your therapy is going".

The way my therapy is going? How is my therapy going? What does that mean?

The insecure part of me has decided that she thinks I am hopelessly insecure – highly attached in a way that I shouldn't be and all other sorts of negative things.

The adult part of me is trying to wrestle with the child part to say that as I've just said, heard and read, this is normal. It is part of the process which many other people go through. Still, it stings a little bit and I hate that because it makes me feel immature.

It has taken me nearly 3 years to accept that I need her. To accept that I am attached to her and that she helps to regulate me.  The thought of being sexually attracted to her – of having any kind of fantasy about wanting to be sexual with her makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. I don't want that to happen. I see her as my replacement (better) "good mother" nothing else.

T said to me that it depends on "where the injury first took place".  I asked her what age she thought that was for me and she said she thought right back to the womb.  She said this is why she thinks it is more likely that I will experience this because back then, you should experience things like being cradled in the safety of the womb, being born and having your mother stare happily into your eyes as she feeds you, smiling at you because you are a wonderful creation.  But if you don't experience these lovely things, you have unconscious feelings and intense longings which you think you can have met with the therapist, but you think these unconscious needs are sexual desires.

Isn't it odd that I can understand this on a logical level but still not accept its probability, or possibility, within my own therapy? Perhaps I am being overly defensive after all!

5 March 

I have been inspired to write a blog about self-awareness due to the fact that I've suddenly become aware that during my time in therapy, I have started to experience feelings that I had never fully felt or experienced before.

I imagine that might sound a bit odd to some of you reading this, right?  You may be thinking that everyone has feelings.  Well, that would be true, however when I went into therapy, I would have described myself as an emotional person and I was to find out that actually, I was very emotionally repressed.

To date I've been in therapy for about 2 and a half years and have only recently been able to cry in therapy. Ironically, the first time I cried was due to my sheer frustration of not being able to cry in therapy! Go figure.

For those of you who are familiar with my blog, I have also only just felt the pain of my therapist taking a break and boy it hurt. It hurt me on a deep level and I felt like a 5-year-old child who had lost her mother.

Despite the pain, it has opened my eyes to lots of things and one of those things which I was thinking about today was that I am really beginning to become emotionally aware.  Self-aware.

I am gradually identifying my feelings – be that sadness, joy, fear, embarrassment or anger. I am gradually becoming able to accept that I have these feelings and not shame myself, fear them and push them away.

When I started to get in touch with my feelings, they hit me like a tidal wave. I was convinced I would drown in them. They felt extremely dangerous to me.  Dangerous and unnatural.  Weirdly I didn't understand at the time that what I was scared of was just being able to "feel". I thought I was severely depressed. My feelings came (still come to a degree) in waves. Intense waves where I can be okay one day and completely floored the next.  That was alarming to say the least. I wasn't sure I could survive some of these waves.

When this started to happen, (roughly October 2016), T used to tell me that I needed to try to find a way to "tolerate the feelings".  A phrase I repeat back to myself now when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Tolerating my feelings was a huge challenge for me.  Being able to stay with the feelings – feel them – was not an easy task.

In retrospect, it makes sense and before I started on my journey to heal myself, it was actually an effective defense mechanism.  Feeling those painful, scary feelings really could have caused me some serious problems back then when I was a child and had nobody to help me work through them, understand them or comfort me in my pain. I did the safest thing by repressing them in order to cope with my unfortunate reality.  However as an adult, being emotionally repressed doesn't serve you well at all. I no longer need this defense, I need to break that old, now maladaptive behaviour and like any change, it is painful!

T helped me to identify how I was feeling by noticing my body's physical cues.  I often get headaches and heartburn. I also suffered with what I thought was IBS for years.  T recommended a book to me called "Your Body Speaks The Mind" by Deb Shapiro.  That book has sat on my bedside cabinet for the last year or so and has been a great way to help me listen to my body and figure out how I am feeling.  The book helps you to  connect your physical pains with your emotional state. I really recommend it to anyone who struggles to identify their feelings.

Another way that I started to get in touch with my feelings was to listen to my inner dialogue.  We all have one. I had never been aware of mine before, but if you listen, you have constant internal chat inside your head. It might be as simple as turning your nose up at a programme when flicking through the Sky planner or thinking how you like someone's outfit as they walk past you on the street.  Our internal dialogue cane really help us to understand what goes on inside.

For me, my inner dialogue wasn't my friend. I refer to this as my inner critic (work by Pete Walker again!) because it was indeed a critic. I used to berate myself for any negative feelings. I used to call myself all sorts of horrible names. On reflection, a lot of these names were internalised from my mother, but I didn't understand that overnight. I have worked a lot using terms such as "inner child" and "inner critic" and found them very useful. Thinking of my sad or fearful feelings in terms of being my "inner child" makes it possible for me to be kind to myself. It helps me to be sympathetic towards myself for the reasons that I feel this way. I basically try to give my "inner child" what any child might need if they were feeling that way. I try and be who I needed when I was young.  I know this sounds a bit weird if you're not familiar with these terms (or if they are not your "thing") but it really has worked for me! Each to your own, eh?

Sometimes I can identify how I might be feeling by certain habits.  For example, often if I am struggling with sadness I will want to sleep a lot. If I am angry, I might become snappy and impatient with my boyfriend or with his children for silly things that wouldn't normally be a problem.   Another habit that I've recently become aware of is that I seem to shop/spend money or eat a lot.  This is all very much a work in progress but at least I am becoming aware of the habits I guess.

I won't go on much longer but I just wanted to write and say that becoming aware of all these feelings that have been repressed for my entire life is journey like no other. I don't think I can find the words to explain that fully. It is a deeply painful yet deeply moving and insightful journey of self-discovery.  It is a journey that I am amazed I even needed to take. I guess when you are that good at repression, it takes a while to realise that you are even repressed.. does that even make sense?

Emotional self-awareness is good for you. It is good for your psychological health, your physical health, for your relationships, your decisions, everything.  It helps us to be empathetic and compassionate to others  and to ourselves. If you can learn to be self-aware, you can begin to develop a strong sense of self which is something that I cannot wait to have.

I hope this has given you some food for thought about your own emotional self-awareness. Do you allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, good and bad? Do you have an inner critic? Do you listen to your inner chatter and do you have any habits when you are angry, sad or fearful?

TODAY

What does the end of therapy look like? What will I look like? Feel like?

It is hard at the moment to imagine living a life without therapy in it. Without T in it. I live in a constant state of self-reflection and I am constantly reading and learning new things therapy related. I guess in a weird way, therapy gives me a sense of purpose. A lot of my energy goes into thinking about my therapeutic journey.

I have already learnt so much on my journey. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It has been the most scary, painful but life-changing thing I've ever done. I wouldn't go back and change a single thing. In fact, I've turned into one of those annoying preacher types who wants to try to encourage everyone to give it a go – I want to share the joy it can bring in finally being seen and heard. It is hard to put into words the gratitude I have for this journey of mine (see preaching again!).

On this journey you don't really see how far you have come until you stop and look back. My blog yesterday made me realise how far I have come in terms of my own emotional awareness – the discovery of my feelings and emotions and the ways I try to drown them out or cover them up. Learning to recognise them and not be scared of them. Learning to "Tolerate" them as T would say. But what else? I have been validated and for me I think that is one of the most healing things of all.

I started therapy feeling like life just happened to me. I just seemed to be in this world  as a spectator, watching life happen to everyone else.  Life was tough. It was hard and unsatisfying. I felt kind of deadened. I always had a very clear sense that I was broken or faulty somehow and lots of things seemed to back that feeling up.  My mum didn't seem to love me, my dad was absent from my life, friends would come and go, boyfriends would betray me – relationships were hard work. There was always a lot of drama and a lot of tears. That feeling of not understanding was painful.

I understood that I was very insecure. I didn't understand why – it was just another one of my faults, I thought. I wanted so badly to be confident, to be secure and laid back. I wanted so much to be loved and understood. I kept ruining relationships and every time another one ended, I felt more and more shame.

I finally took myself to see T in early 2013. I remember very clearly sitting in her office and telling her about my family. I spoke non-stop (nothing new there) for the majority of the hour and told her in very minimal detail about all the big life events – house moves, step parents, abuse to me, domestic abuse to my mum.  I didn't have any emotion to the story I told, but I didn't recognise that then.  I remember coming away and thinking "corr, that was a lot of stuff to have happened actually" but that was it and I got on with my day.  I couldn't really believe that I was in therapy.  Therapy was for people who were really mentally unwell wasn't it? (judgmental, I know).

Fast-forward about 5 months and I quit therapy because I got a new boyfriend and I decided that I didn't need therapy anymore. I told myself that it was just my ex-boyfriend that had made me insecure and the new one promised he wouldn't make me feel like that. So I quit and I am ashamed to say, that I didn't do it very nicely. I sent a few texts to tell her I wasn't coming back and then I hid. I ignored her phone calls and messages trying to encourage me to stay, or to at least see her once more. I didn't want to go and I think partly that was because I knew I needed to be there and was running away and partly because I was embarrassed at how immature I was in leaving this way.  That was that.

About another 5 or 6 months later, a friend was killed in a case of mistaken identity. It affected me a lot and I was crying for weeks so I emailed to see if T would see me again. I was worried what she would think of me but I went anyway.  Weirdly we didn't seem to talk that much about my friend.  She didn't seem as warm as I remembered.  I thought she was probably annoyed with me.  I told her that I didn't need to start therapy again, I just wanted a couple of sessions to talk about my friend, but she didn't seem to be happy with that.  She told me that therapy was a commitment and I was either invested in this process for the long-haul, or I wasn't.  I said that I wasn't sure and she told me to think about it. We scheduled a session for the day after Boxing Day and she told me to let her know if I wanted to keep that appointment or not.  On Christmas Day or thereabouts, I decided I didn't need it and so text her to say thank you but that I was okay.  That was that (again!).

In May 2015 I started (another) new relationship with my current partner and things were looking up. He seemed to be more genuine and more committed than previous boyfriends had.   He was slightly older and had children and I felt much safer in this relationship which was lovely. However it wasn't drama-free (obviously) because he came with an angry ex-wife and children and that never makes for smooth running. Add to that, the fact that I had broken it off with the last boyfriend for this guy (I know, not a classy move and not one that I am proud of).  With all this drama came yet more insecurity that he would leave me to go back to his ex-wife, jealousy of their shared past, jealousy and feeling left out when he saw his children at weekends (before I met them a year later),being kept a secret... it was hard.  One day we went for lunch and I was feeling particularly upset because he had told me that he missed his children. I had taken that to mean that he missed his previous life (not just his children) and he sat me down and told me that he loved me, that he wasn't going anywhere BUT.. (always a but!) BUT that he couldn't handle this constant insecurity and doubt that I had.  I decided right then and there that I really did need to go to therapy and stick it out.  I emailed her the next day and made an appointment to see her.  From then, to now, I haven't ran away again and it has now been 2.5 years of consistent work.

When I went back to her she gave me a pretty stern talking to about how this wasn't something she could keep doing with me coming and going and that I really needed to knuckle down and do this. I knew she was right. I felt like I had been told off by a teacher and felt embarrassed, but I knew I couldn't keep running. I wanted to feel better once and for all.  I think I knew it was my last chance with her.

Only a few sessions in she asked me if I knew what narcissism was. I said no. She told me that she thought my mother was extremely narcissistic and that she could even have NPD.  She told me to go home and read about it.  That was another life-changing moments that I will never forget. I went home and typed into Google about narcissism and saw pages and pages of articles written about my mum (or so it seemed). It was rather shocking.  Following this revelation I was ecstatic.  I know that sounds weird, but I felt a huge weight lift off of me. It really was her. It wasn't me! I wasn't inherently broken and faulty after all!!

The joy didn't last long however and I was soon crying constantly for the best part of a week. I then began to experience panic attacks.  One during the middle of the night when I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. One the following day on the train home from work and another a week or so after that at home.  I had never had a panic attack before so it was a very scary thing to happen. T didn't seem particularly worried or surprised. I suddenly had so many feelings, thoughts, emotions and I didn't know what to do with them.  That was the start of a very long (on-going journey) into learning all about narcissism and from there, gradually, very gradually, I have been able to start to talk about things my mother did or said to me growing up with the intellectual understanding that it really wasn't my fault.  Again the feelings took a very long time to integrate to these stories.

During my time in therapy to date, I have written many letters. I have written a letter to my own inner child. I have written to my father (3 or 4 versions of that have been typed over a few years, and one has now been given to him !).  Many letters to my mother – none of which have been sent, or ever will be sent to her. They are extremely painful to write, but are very healing. Writing really gets me in touch with the feelings.The words seem to just fly out like they've been sitting there waiting to escape.

I have my father back in my life now after many years apart.  We don't see each other very often, but there is contact and we see each other every month or so, which is a huge change.

I have gone LC (low contact) with my mother.  I've emotionally distanced myself from her in a huge way and have managed to loosen myself from her tight, deadly grip which has brought with it it's own challenges. She now feels as though I have betrayed her and I am still struggling with carrying a lot of guilt which doesn't really belong to me – I am working on that.  I am still scared of putting my own healthy boundaries in as though I will be severely punished.  I need to really believe that I am safe now.

I have yet to deal with my sexual abuse in any real way... it has been brought up a few times over the years in therapy but T seems to think that I use him/it as a bit of a scapegoat for my unclaimed anger towards my mother. We have spoken about how my mother should have protected me more and how and why I didn't tell her at the time. I went into therapy thinking this was the main cause of my "issues" but it feels as though T disagrees. I do too, now.

I've spoken about the domestic abuse I've witnessed towards my mother and how that has impacted on me, on my feelings about anger and authority and men.

I have learnt about narcissism, attachment patterns, golden child/scapegoats, object constancy, C-PTSD, "triggers" and regression, the conscious and unconscious mind, repression, denial, projection, relationship triangles, repetition compulsion.  The therapeutic relationship and transference.. about dissociation.  About vulnerability and dependency and much more.

Most importantly, I have finally been able to experience a secure attachment (well, nearly) to my T.  I accept now that I need her to be okay. I miss her when she is gone.  I hang on to her every word. I can allow myself to be pre-occupied with her at times. I use her to steady myself, to mirror me. I need her attunement.  I internalize her words to carry with me when she is not there.  I am learning how to keep that connection alive when she is not – slowly but surely. I am being re-parented by her at nearly 30 years old because it wasn't done properly when I was a child. I am understanding the losses, grieving them so they lose their hold over me.

I can see the improvement in me even if others can't.  Although close friends and my boyfriend have told me various ways they have seen improvements.  I am safe in the knowledge that it helps me, that it is continuing to help me every day.

Right now, I never want it to end.  But one day it will and that will only happen when I am 100% ready.  I am curious as to how life will feel when I am "self-actualized" and whole.  I am so excited that one day I might get a chance to be who I could have been if I hadn't been through all the sh*t I went through.  I won't have to live just getting by each day. I won't have to live feeling broken or faulty or ashamed. My past will not define me.

What better payback is there to your abusers than to not just survive, but to thrive on your own ? I am going to become the person they tried to keep me from becoming. The person they very nearly managed to kill off inside of me. I will become my truest, realist, strongest and happiest self. My best self!

Won't that day be bloody beautiful?

twink, it's so good to have you back again.  what a roller coaster ride you've been through during this time!

i understand at a gut level what your t is saying about 'erotic' feelings.  if we think of babies being born, they come out through the vagina - a very erotic spot as far as adults are concerned, but simply a passageway to life as far as babies are concerned.  babies are bathed by adults, including the touching of all their 'private' parts, which, again, as adults are erotic zones, but in the care of the baby are simply part of the body that need to be bathed.  if babies are nursed, there is the whole breast thing going on - a very different concept as adults than as babies. 

so, when a baby is experiencing the touching and handling of all these, what would be erotic parts in an adult to adult relationship,  babies often bathe with parents - all the parts of both adult and child are part of the experience.  if the touching and handling is careful and soothing, it is a pleasurable experience, something that is part of the baby's intrinsic development to be experienced, enjoyed, and moved on from.  there always comes a time when the child begins to assert his/her attendance to their own cleanliness, don't suckle at the breast anymore, don't bathe with adults.  this is a natural progression.

in the transference process in therapy, i think what your t is talking about is that you didn't get those caring, soothing touches, from your mom, at least not on a regular basis, so if a client is looking at the therapist as a mother figure, and that little child/baby part has not healed yet because of missing out on those experiences, those feelings can come up.  perfectly natural, nothing sexual in an adult way, just that baby who had been denied that when it was appropriate is trying to get those natural needs met in the process at hand.

they may come, but they will also leave as you continue moving forward, healing all your parts that had been denied what they had needed and deserved a long time ago.  it's all part of the process of healing all of you so that every part can be integrated into the full adult mode that is twink's goal in therapy.  i hope this makes sense.  it is my opinion of how this happens to us.

my own experience was that i didn't get enough caring, soothing, affectionate touch from my parents since i was very little, and i looked for it everywhere i could find it as i was growing up.  i was always the one who was 'touchy' - putting a friendly arm around a shoulder, touching an arm, hand, shoulder, holding hands - touching something on another person.  my icky t told me that i was trying to make others feel good by doing that, but she was wrong.  i was trying to make myself feel good.  that type of good feeling for myself only came from touching others.  i was one of those bereft of emotions, so this was my way of being able to feel 'good'. 

your blogs are insightful, intelligent, vulnerable, and sometimes painfully honest.  kudos to you, dear twink, for the courage you're showing in moving forward to conquer this beast we call c-ptsd.  you are a shining example of what it takes - the hard work, the determination, the vigilance, the observation, the self-reflection, and all the rest - to keep moving forward.  you go, girl!

Ah sanmagic, you made me cry!!!! Thank you so much for your amazing words. How touching.  The words you used to describe me at the end of your post have really touched me deep within me somewhere and made me feel emotional!! (in a good way!).  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't want or expect you to have to read all of that! I just felt I should update my journey on here as I had been neglecting it due to the new blogging experience.  Thank you for the feedback of my blogging entries, it is hard to know if you are doing okay! I am fighting against feeling stupid compared to some of the things I read on there where people sound so intellectual compared to me!

Thank you for your opinion on erotic transference - you have made total and complete sense to me and now I don't feel half as scared about it happening as I did. You really do have a way with words you know?! I get it completely.... the only thing I guess that is left a little unanswered for me is that obviously in the therapy relationship/transference there is no physical touch - I completely get the craving for the experience on an emotional level though and think I am already in touch with that with T. I have come to realise quite how dependant I've become on her.

I am sad and sorry to hear that you didn't get any affectionate touch from your parents either. I completely get what you say about how you used your own touch to "fill that hole" so to speak. I think I did the same in terms of having constant relationships, sometimes one after the other, sometimes overlapping right back from being at school - I think I was constantly searching for physical touch, holding and acceptance which I now understand could never have come from a man (boy).

Thank you again for being here for me on this journey. I feel quite emotional about it today and yesterday - I feel quite aware of how amazingly special this opportunity to heal is. I feel so much gratitude that I have found my way to T and get the chance to be seen, heard, held in mind, understood on an intimate level and many, many more things that I missed out on. I feel weirdly emotional about it all, I don't know why!! weird, but lovely.

x

yeah, i had a lot of sex with different partners just for the 'touch' part, and to feel attractive and a woman - all that was really denied to me by my dad.  so, i kept looking elsewhere for it.

i understand what you're saying about the lack of actual touch in your relationship with your t.  i don't have much of that in my life at this point, either.  i think (hope) i've gotten to the point that it is what it is.  i'm still a hugger, and do hug people whenever i can, so i guess i fulfill some of that longing that way.  i don't know that it'll ever go completely away.  i'll be hitting 70 this year, and i can't picture myself as a little old lady who doesn't care about that stuff anymore, ever.  so, i guess i'll have to play it out, see what happens.

i'm doing pretty good today, thanks for asking.  did a couple of errands.  my specialist appt. is thurs., so i'm hoping i don't have to go out for anything tomorrow, but can just take the day for and by myself.   it's like preparing for what's going to happen thurs. - a 3 hr. bus ride, sit and wait till the doc gets around to me, then 3 hrs. bus ride home.  all in all, it'll be more than 12 hrs. just for a doc appt.  it's an ordeal, to be sure.  but, i'll get thru it.  that's the beauty(?) of living in a small mexican town. 

honey, you sound brilliant.  we all sound ourselves here, is how i look at it.  no one better or worse.  people come through just the way they're meant to when they write here.  some are more emotional than others, some know bigger words, some are more earthy.  there's no comparison to be made.  you are good enough just the way you are.  you're coherent, you get your ideas across, and you sound personal.  as far as i'm concerned, that's as good as it gets.

keep taking care of you, twink.  i'm doing the same.  love and hugs.

Session Tuesday 7th March 2017 - another copied post from my bog (unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com)

When I walked into T's room last night the first thing I noticed was the lovely smell. I told T that it smelt nice and she told me that she had a new candle. I said "Ah! see, I noticed!" – I do not know why I felt the need to say that. Bit cringe really... but I put it down to how awkward I feel the first minute or so of therapy.

I always feel a bit uncomfortable at the fact that she is watching me as I walk in, take off my coat, gather myself. There is a bit of a pause where I never know what to do and then she (eventually ) asks me "How is Twink?".  This is a phrase she has always used and something that I've always noticed.  Normally people say "how are you".  I'm not sure why I've always noticed that so much.  Perhaps it is the use of my name or something?

I told her that I was good! I was smiling and happy. I then started to say that I felt very happy and that I had been reflecting a lot on my journey to date and felt... something.. I wasn't sure what the right word is [Note that I did know the word, because I wrote it in my blog yesterday and that word was "moved" but I felt embarrassed saying that].  She said that perhaps since she is back I am able to use her as a secure base and it allows me to feel more supported and steady.  I agreed and said definitely.

T explained to me that by the end of therapy, I would have built a new attachment pattern "next to" the insecure one.... I thought "What??" Next to?? Not instead of??" I didn't like the sound of that and so I questioned that and asked if she meant I would always have that insecure attachment?  She said yes, because you can't forget what you know – you can't forget that you've been through trauma or abused etc. but that the new relationship with T will build a new pattern which will lay next to the insecure one and I will be able to trip to that so to speak.  That was a shame but I guess it makes sense.

She said that she felt since I had started going twice a week rather than once a week, it had allowed me to really get stuck in which I agreed with.  She said she felt that "Coming once a week was counselling, but coming twice a week was therapy".

I told her that I felt so glad I had found her and started therapy. I said I had been thinking what might have happened if I had found someone else and ended up in the wrong type of therapy or with the wrong therapist. She told me that even if I had, I would have known that I was getting what I needed and found myself the right type of help eventually. I said I wasn't so sure and thought that if I had ended up not getting the help I needed that it might have put me off for life.

I told her that I was so glad I came back to her even after my numerous attempts at running away and how I hadn't realised at the time that was what I was doing. She said, and I loved this...

"I always hoped you would come back. I asked the universe to help you find your way back here"

Gah! How lovely. I played it pretty cool when she said this but it has replayed in my head a few times since. What a lovely thing to hear. She WANTED me back.  I wasn't just an inconvenience who she thought she had to see. She actually wanted me there. Big smiles inside for me.

**does victory dance around the room***

I said again that I couldn't explain exactly how I felt [again, I could, just didn't want to embarrass myself] and she said..

"perhaps you feel moved?"

HA!!! Moved. The exact word I used yesterday!! Attunement at its finest. With that, I started to cry. Just a few, silent tears as I spoke to her. I felt so understood and connected in that moment. It was beautiful. I felt love, that is the only way I could describe it. I felt embarrassed that I was crying over this so said "see I'm being sentimental today!" and laughed to cover up the fact I felt silly. 

I told her that I could see a brighter future at last told her what I had written yesterday about how I felt I had made improvements and I was finally more in touch with my feelings – that my defenses were coming down at last. I said that my inner-dialogue had softened and I wasn't as critical as I used to be. We spoke a bit about dissociation and people with DID. She told me that if I had one more traumatic thing in my life as a child, she had no doubt I would have developed DID.  She said if my (sexual abuser) had got to me at a younger age, or abused me for longer, then she was sure I would have.  She told me that the mind is extremely clever and that although not helpful anymore, at the time it was the only way to survive and was actually very helpful really and very clever.  I told her about my ability to dissociate on purpose as a child and I told her how I used to do it and that I can't do it anymore (I've tried).  She told me that I would have done that to split off the agonising and terrifying feelings that were too much for me as a child.

I told her that I was in touch with that feeling during the break (in emotional flashback) and that although it sounds very dramatic now, it really DID feel like life or death.  I said I was pained for the little me who would have felt that way and she told me that I wouldn't have felt that way because I split it off – and that is what I am dealing with now. I said I guess I would rather deal with it now, as an adult that think of any child having to feel that way.

T told me about a film called "Sybil" which was about a woman who developed multiple personality disorder due to a traumatic childhood. She said I could borrow it if I wanted to. I said I would love to. My mind immediately thought that I would like to borrow it and that I would no doubt use it as a "transitional object". I would watch it knowing it was hers, knowing it was something she liked, knowing we could talk about our thoughts on it together afterwards etc.  I wondered whether she probably knew that. I wondered whether she might forget this offer and hoped she wouldn't.

I asked T why she thought I couldn't reach out to her during the breaks when I felt as bad as that? She said that basically I need to reach out and have my needs met over and over again and that eventually I would rewire my brain, but before I can do that automatically I need to really learn it is safe.  She explained that as a child I would have known I wouldn't have been responded too and even worse, she thought I probably did reach out and was ignored which is why I can't do it now as an adult.  I queried my understanding and said "So I have to reach out to you and have you respond over and over again?" She said yes.

We spoke about how during the process I might not always feel so positively towards T and that I might get very angry with her. I told her that I wasn't looking forward to that happening. She told me she didn't tell me this to scare me, but that she thought it might help me to not be so scared of it if it happens.  She told me that she remembers experiencing it with her own T (I love hearing stories about her own therapy) and she told me that one time she was particularly raging and attacking towards her T. I asked whether she felt embarrassed or stupid afterwards and she said she didn't, because she understood some of the reasons behind it on reflection.  I told her that I always feel embarrassed after I've been angry (or very sad actually) and gave a recent example of being * with my other half when I couldn't find my keys one morning and him doing the same thing last night before I left for my session, how we were both always embarrassed after our outbursts.

I told her that me and my other half had a conversation on Sunday about some feelings he was having over his Dad being away at the moment. I told her that he had opened up to me and we had spoken about how he felt. He said some very similar things to how I felt when T was on holiday and I completely understood where he was coming from. It was a nice moment. An authentic connection and it had left me feeling rather content and happy.  She said it was really good that he had allowed himself to be vulnerable and that it showed he had taken on board what we had discussed [relationship triangles].  I was so glad.  She said that I was "sending out different signals".  I wasn't sure if I was or not but said that I hoped so.

We spoke about when I have a baby and the things I said in my post yesterday. She said "We need to get you able to tolerate mess".  She explained that included physical mess (untidiness, poo, wee, sick and also, emotional 'untidiness').  This was something we had discussed before.  She told me that the reason I had such extreme OCD as a young child would have been an attempt at controlling something. I told her that I was aware I could be a control freak and was like this at home when it came to chores and cooking. I never accepted or asked for help, ever and that I was trying hard to change that.  She told me that I learnt to be very self-sufficient but that I could relax more now.  I told her I knew this might be something I struggled with when I had a baby – having to "share" the baby with my other half and not try to control everything. She said that we could keep talking about it all.

We spoke about breastfeeding/bottle-feeding and I told her that I really liked the thought that when I had a baby, I would be allowed to bring baby with me to see her at first. She said only at the beginning when I was totally preoccupied with baby. I told her that I had told my other half that she had said this and that I was excited about the prospect but that he hadn't really understood why it was such a big deal. She smiled (I wondered what she thought).

All in all, a really lovely session. I felt very happy when I left and drove home feeling very content. I am already looking forward to tomorrow's session and hope that I can get more of this good stuff and "soak it in" as someone said yesterday.   It is such a wonderful feeling that I wish would stay forever.

i just love it when things come together!  it sounds like wonderful progress in therapy, twink.  yay!

i read the book 'sybil' many years ago.  it's fascinating how the mind works to take care of itself.  we are wondrously creative creatures, indeed!  moving forward, dear twink!  hugs!

Ah thank you! Me too hehe.  Is this a normal part of the process or just a me thing??

i think all of what we go through is a 'normal' part of the process for ourselves.  we're so individual, it's hard to say what's 'normal' or what's to be 'expected'.  i suggest you just be with it as it is, and love yourself in the midst of it.  big hug!!!

I have literally just got home from my session and felt I needed to type this out quickly. I never write this quickly after a session so this is unusual and this is only about one very tiny aspect of my session but it has thrown me.

** Trigger warning ***

It was about 25 past the hour, 5 minutes before my session was due to end.  We had spoken about a lot of things but was currently talking about my narcissistic mother.  I told T that I had thought to myself this morning I wonder what my relationship with my body would be like if it she hadn't said all the things she did.

T said absolutely I would.  She said that now that I know that things she said weren't true, I could let go of certain beliefs etc.  I said well, it isn't quite that easy. I believe the things she told me about my physical appearance.  I said that those particular messages have got in too deep for me to suddenly not believe anymore.

T asked me for an example and I said, well for example, my nose.  She seemed surprised and asked what was wrong with my nose. I felt embarrassed and said I hate it and my mother always told me it was "a nose from my Dad's family".  I said it made me very conscious and I hated having my photo taken from side profile.

She seemed genuinely shocked and told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my nose and that it was "bollocks" (said quite angrily).

The thing is though, of course she's going to say that isn't she? She isn't going to look at me and say "ah yeah, it is * isn't it?".. so I can't believe her.  I told her that my boyfriend sometimes grabs my nose and says how it is "cute" or "sweet" but that I hate it and I used to really want a nose job... but that was before I had my boob job.

T said that her words were absolute bollocks and that we need to resolve this once and for all. I felt all hot and then burst into tears.  She said "you really do believe you have a horrible nose, don't you?" I said yes I do.

She then said "if you have a baby and your baby has your nose, will you hate that too?!" she sounded angry but I understand she was just trying to get through to me. I said no, of course not.

She said that all the things my mum picked on about my physical appearance was through jealousy because she is hollow. I told her that can't be true because the things she picks on about me, she has better.  For example, if she says I am fat – she is skinny.  She said that because she is a narcissist, she just can't bear that I am different to her.  Different is bad in her world, that's all.

I was a crying mess and shocked at how quickly that had escalated.  I looked at the clock and it was half past so I pulled my handbag towards me, still crying and trying to wipe my face.  She said to take a minute and that I didn't have to rush off.  I wanted to stay and I had more to say but I've never stayed past my session time and I didn't want to overstay my welcome... plus I was really embarrassed.

I got in the car and just broke down. I sobbed. I've never done that before. I was conscious the whole time that she could see me from the window if she had looked out and I didn't want her to see me... or did I? I didn't want her to see me crying and come out to my car to console me.. hug me... or did I? Aghh the tears are running again.

I drove home feeling very out of it and blaring out some angry music really loudly. I actually drove past my house and went the long way around because I was enjoying singing along and releasing some of this emotion/energy.. whatever it is.

The thing is, I haven't even got started on the things I hate about my body because of my mum, but the sad thing is, I don't want to tell her because she will try to make me feel better and I won't believe her. Because it is embarrassing and because, as stupid as it sounds, I don't want to point things out to her in case she hasn't noticed before and then does.

I had a boob job because she told me I looked like a boy. She made me have one. Okay, that's a bit unfair because she couldn't force me obviously, but she pushed it and pushed it and then she had her's done and told me how wonderful it had made her feel so I had one too. I was petrified and although I like having breasts when wearing clothes, I can't bear how they feel and often wish I hadn't had it done. This was before I started therapy and when I was completely caught in my need to get her approval.  Before I understood the unhealthy dynamic.

Do I tell her that looking at my legs makes me want to be sick? That I used to have visions of getting a knife and slicing off some of the (excess) fat that cling to them? That I still do sometimes when I am on the toilet or in the bath? She used to tell me I had "[Dad's family] legs" too... just like the nose.

She used to make me feel utterly * when my legs were on show. She one compared my legs to my best friend's when I was about 15 and on my way out in front of her. I have never forgotten that.

Do I tell T that THAT is why I always cover myself up in her office with my coat or a cushion? because I don't want her or me to have to see my fat legs? and that when she asked me why I cover myself up, I pretended I didnt know.

Do I tell T that I tense my legs so much they ache most nights? That when I was learning to drive I used to tense them so they didn't go flat against the seat and look even fatter? that THAT is why I don't wear shorts in the summer? that THAT is why I prefer the winter because I get to cover up? That THAT is why I stopped eating as a child and why she hid the scales from me because I became obsessed?

I don't know how I feel right now. Is it anger? is it rage? sadness? I don't know.

I hate the thought that I am left with this * now and I have to wait until Tuesday night now which already feels like a million years away.

My tears won't stop running and I feel *.

i don't have the energy to give you a full response.  just know that my earth mother me is embracing you.  you are so lovely.

twink, i've been on this earth for quite a while, have met and known many, many people - young, old, healthy, dying.  the only ones i ever saw as ugly - and i'm saying this truthfully, from my heart - were the ones who were ugly on the inside. 

if you saw me and how i look physically, would you think me ugly?  i knew a woman who, physically, was absolutely perfect.  petite, blonde, blue-eyed - everything about her physicality was just right.  at first glance, she was about the prettiest woman i'd ever seen.  as i got to know her, got to know her personality, saw her shallowness,  her lack of compassion toward others (especially those less fortunate than her), her unwillingness to rub shoulders with those not of her social standing, the uglier she got to me.  then she began taking her perfect physical presence and began altering it.  what it did was showcase her lack of love.

i don't mean to judge, not you nor anyone.  you have your reasons for believing what you do about how you look.  can you take a step back, think about if you had a best friend who looked just like you - would you tell her she needed to alter herself to make her look good to you?

i think one of the most caring things we can do for ourselves is become our own friends.  i mean, even our best friends aren't perfect, but we love them anyways.  same with ourselves.  we'll never be perfect - that's not what being human is about.  but, can we care about ourselves like we would care about a friend?  accept ourselves like we accept our friends?  that, i think, is a goal worth working toward.

i struggle with it at times.  my body has changed since i began getting sick, and it's working against me right now to get healthier.  patience has become a friend of mine.  acceptance and i are getting closer, and that, actually, is beginning to feel better. 

just keep moving twink, and you'll get to where you need to be.  those old messages about our physicality are really difficult, especially when they're backed up by societal expectations.  for example, i saw a foto of a runway model in a bikini, and the caption said that she was showing off her marvelous figure while resting from her latest gig.  i saw each one of her ribs looking like a xylophone!  that is not a marvelous body. no matter who is saying it is!  it's unnatural and undernourished and far from healthy. 

as you keep going, you'll begin to see things differently.  my daughter used to continually put me down for wanting to do things she thought i was 'too old' to do, like go back to school in my 40's, or that i was going deaf when she mumbled her words on the phone and i had to ask her to repeat what she said.  these narcs in our lives will find something to pick on us about, but it's always about them, not about us.  that is one thing i have learned.  like that awful t i had who tried to make me feel like i was somehow responsible for my husband's porn addiction by telling me i needed to dress up in sexy lingerie, like that would fix the problem. 

it doesn't matter who they are, how they relate to us in our lives, they have some kind of issues and they project it onto us, making us feel bad about ourselves, making us believe that we have to somehow change ourselves and then the problems will go away.  no, it isn't so.  it was easier for them to look at us than themselves, is all, and take our their self-hate on us.  we didn't know better, and we believed them.

as we continue in recovery, we begin to know better and even more better what this is all about.  it's not us, bottom line.  barbra streisand once asked her audience if she should get her nose fixed.  an overpowering 'NO!! is what immediately came back to her.  people of substance look past our whatever you want to call them - imperfections? - and those are the people i now choose to have in my life, i now choose to listen to.

when you're ready, twink, you can let those messages go.  until then, you will struggle with them, abuse your legs until they hurt, look in the mirror and see nothing but an ugly nose.  when you're ready, you will become your own friend, with all the acceptance and tolerance that entails.    you'll get there.    :hug: