I just found this today, and this is probably a better place to put some of the things I've put in threads before now. Plus it seems like a good way to track time, cause goodness knows my brain's not up to that task.
After years of finding ways to self-medicate that I don't want to talk about, and being misdiagnosed a hundred different ways that I don't care to name and treated with medicines that didn't help, I finally came across CPTSD last summer when I started reading "Complex PSTD: From Surviving to Thriving". I got a chapter in and completely fell apart. I put it down for several months, then tried again and got a few more chapters in before falling apart. I found this site last summer too, but wasn't at a point where I was ready to start ... whatever it is I'm starting. I finally got the book on tape (is there such a thing as a book on tape anymore) and have been listening to it. I'm not far in, but the narrator is soothing, and I've gotten better at putting it down when it gets overwhelming.
Right now, I have a lot going on in my life, even outside of trying to "fix me" - both personal and professional. I'm overcommitted, and not handling it well. Last night, I fell apart again, again in ways I don't want to talk about. This morning, I wound up with a solid 9 hours of meetings, several of which had no agenda, and required me to prepare materials on a few hours notice, while on top of dealing with family issues. This morning while driving, I did something I've never done before and after getting completely wound around the axle, just screamed at the top of my lungs. My throat is still killing me, though my soul feels better. Although in hindsight, I shouldn't have done it whilst driving, because my pulse was racing so hard that I thought I would have a heart attack, and I almost blacked out. Thankfully, I made it safely home, got through the rest of the day (albeit messily).
So that's where I'm starting from. I don't know what else to say today.
:hug:
I hope your sore throat finds something soothing. Good for you though letting it out. It sounds like you've been in a pressure cooker for a long time. Start letting that steam out little by little. :applause:
Thank you Armee.
I was going to write a long post about my history and how I got the way I am (cause I've spent a LOT of time ruminating about it). But I've done that so many times with so many therapists that I just don't feel like it. Maybe some other time. Plus I somehow feel like I have an obligation to justify my right to be here, because I've spent my right justifying my right to be ... well, erm, me .... or, erm, anything at all ... or, erm, even to exist. So I'm pushing back on that today. I didn't ask to be born, but because I was, I have the same right to exist and be me that anyone else does. Nothing more, nothing less.
Instead, I'll celebrate some little victories.
Yesterday was rough. I've been a survivor and good at holding things together for as long as I can remember, but at some stage I just started morphing away from who I even felt I was in my soul. I'm far enough away now that I can't see where I started and I'm trying to get back. Yesterday, I think, was the first day that I Just completely fell apart and couldn't put myself back together (I'm really good with super glue and duck tape of the soul). But I made it through yesterday, and I haven't quit and I'm here today, and so, yeah.
A few days ago, I posted about "positive flashbacks" in a thread, and I appreciated all of the responses. It made me think more about it, and I finally realized that these "positive flashbacks" aren't flashbacks at all in the true sense of EFs. They're more like memories that I think I finally realize that I've obsessively rehearsed and played back so many times that they're stuck on rewind - and have been intrusive for a long time (which I knew, that's why I referred to them as flashbacks). It's like I'm holding on to broken things that need to be thrown out and replaced, but that I can't seem to part with. I think it will help me to be more mindful that when those memories intrude again, that I can see that I need to not replay them. In most cases, they aren't good anyway. They were something good that ended badly, and I'm choosing to remember all the good parts up to the end and skip the bad ending, and that's not truth and I want to live truth, even if I don't know what past and truth and reality is. Yet.
I also posted about trying to be invisible (because that's how I survived in my family, otherwise and often even so, I was the scapegoat). To the extent of having a blank wallpaper on my computer so I wouldn't be judged. When I have picked wallpapers in the past, I've picked them based on how I thought others would perceive me if/when they saw them. And they never lasted long, because (a) it wasn't something I wanted anyway, and (b) I didn't have the confidence to keep them. I picked a wallpaper I liked yesterday. It is pastel and artistic and soothing and not at all like what worried-about-how-I-look-me would pick. Dante (which is the name my inner child chose) approves of it and smiles.
I'm starting today to detox from caffeine. I've done it before, and I know it will be miserable, but the caffeine is working against my anxiety. Over the last few weeks, I got down to one cup of caffeinated coffee, and finished the of my caffeinated coffee yesterday and have only decaf now (I like my coffee, it soothes my soul in a way that tea does not, even though I enjoy tea).
Time to start my day. Thanks for this safe place to share.
the term 'messily' is very much in my vocabulary when it comes to healing wounds. this past week i've been messy all over the place. i don't think it matters much how smoothly our recovery goes - the fact that we're in the ring against this beast is what counts in my mind.
glad you got some goodies to celebrate. love and hugs :hug:
Dante,
I'm so glad you "found" the journals and have started your own. If there's one thing you can feel confident about here, it's NEVER having to justify your presence. It's exhausting to recount history, you're right. Besides, you've given a lot of history in your posts elsewhere. So thanks to sharing yourself and trusting the forum.
Re: positive flashbacks: at one time, some memories used to be comforting, and then playing the full tape somehow allows me to notice that what "isn't any more." At least that's the way I read the let down at the end. I've tried a variation which is to play a small snippet, and assign that like a placeholder. It works a lot of time.
You've made great efforts to filter all your actions through others judgment; that seems to widen the gap between who you felt you were in your soul, and who you are today. I know it did for me. But as time goes along, and you start to honor Dante and any other person/entity/child/teen or young adult who resides within you, the place you want to "get back" to might change and it might even be better or safer than you can imagine right now. I wish you well!
Yesterday's falling apart was a temporary state. And as you said, you're good with super glue and duck tape of the soul. The important thing is to live through today, trying again with whatever you choose. Detoxing from caffeine is really tough. May you be shielded from all ill effects.
Thank you both! Today was a better day, though it was not as perfect as I wanted it to be. I can't believe I still make mistakes, when I've clearly been told I'm not allowed to. ;)
I started posting to a thread, and came to realize something I hadn't before. I need to process it some before I share it elsewhere, because. Well, because. As I've shared elsewhere, my M is a toxic, manipulative, charming, overbearing, controlling NPD. She has been diagnosed with PTSD from her own abusive childhood, never with NPD (what? her? but she's so sweet!). My F I suspect had PTSD from abuse from clergy. My M devalued me my whole life and made me feel like I didn't matter. Still does. Will never change. My F was absent - and I understand now, it was probably in part to protect himself from her - I'm sure her rages caused him EFs as well. His main impact on my life was threefold; first, making sure I always knew how far from his expectations I'd wandered (and it was often far), what a dissapointment I was, and not protecting me from her. Before he died, I shared with him what growing up with her was like. He disregarded it, which didn't surprise me. He never could accept anything bad about her. But he did make a repair attempt. It was too little too late and damage done. But I never really thought before now about what that took for him to try to do that. He never apologized once, nor has my M, but he at least made an attempt before he died, however brief, to try to understand me as a person. I hadn't valued that before, because I was so busy being angry and resentful. Wow. This has kind of upended my day.
such realizations can, indeed, be mind-boggling. thanks for sharing - i've had similar experiences after the fact. love and hugs :hug:
Your experience with your parents resembles mine and involved the same sort of blinders on my part. I'm also only just beginning to see it.
You said, "I hadn't valued that before, because I was so busy being angry and resentful." Same here.
The adjustments come slow, however, as the residue of anger/resentment run very deep. Altering the view can even turn in surprising ways.
Thank you both. Peeling the layers of an onion, I guess.
That is a powerful realization. It doesn't make any of what they put you through ok, it doesn't excuse them for not making amends. But he did t a little and what he tried would have been hard for him.
Thanks, Armee. Part of me doesn't like this relevation, it was simpler just to be righteously angry. :pissed:
I finally made some forward progress in Peter Walker's book and made it through the chapter on 4F types. Reading/listening to it right before bed was not a good idea as it was very triggering and I numbed out in unhealthy ways.
But I could clearly see that while I actually practice all 4F types, at my core I'm a fawn. I'm everybody else's go to, and years ago I obliterated "me" as much as I could - destroying my past in the process, along with any wants, needs, desires. To want anything was selfish. I threw everything I owned out other than what I absolutely needed to survive. To own anything was selfish.
I sort of see my fawn at my core, but I also strongly resonated with the flight-freeze hybrid. That's me to a tee. It's a chicken and egg to see which starts first, but they both just cycle endlessly around my core fawn. I frantically work as much as I can to "make up for all the bad in me" and to keep from thinking about it (flight), until I completely crash and numb out in unhealthy ways (freeze). Then I cycle back around to fleeing from the ways that I chose to freeze. And over and over. A giant hamster wheel. I've actually known for about 5 years that I wind tighter and tighter around the axle until I'm pretty much taut, and then I crash into a completely exhaustive sleep. I nicknamed "La reposa del muerte" years ago, because it is literally like the sleep of the dead. When I wake from it, I have a few moments peace before it starts all over again. I never knew this was a pattern.
I see similar hybrids in my F and my spouse. This is my story not theirs, but it makes me understand them better. I think it will also help me to understand when my spouse is in 4F mode (similar background, NPD M).
From now on, I read the book during the day and not at night. I'm feeling very flight-y right now, and I'm trying not to. Now that I know what it is, I'm hopeful I can break the cycle.
Dante, I appreciate you sharing your experience. I had a similar experience reading Pete Walker's book - it is so empowering and helpful to read yet also unlocks a lot of things. Over time I have found it helpful to understand what is going on with myself and, as you notice, with others. I hope this continues to be supportive of you on your journey.
Thank you, rainydiary.
It's very wise to shift the time of day to read that book. That shows how much you want to feel better. I relate to your cycle...for me its do more because I feel like I am not doing enough but then I do more than I can and flail around then feel bad that I'm not doing enough ad finitm. I finally was taught...when I atartvdoing something because I am feeling like I am not doing enough or am bad, I have to just stop and do the opposite. Sit on my tush right wherever I am and do nothing. It worked!
Thanks, Armee. I'm learning that that's an acceptable thing to do. I had a friend who once taught me "Don't just do something, sit there."
So, yesterday was not a good day. I'll just say that and leave it at that. Today, I'm committing myself to 30 days of healthy living (healthy for me), starting today.
I understood something for the first time this morning. Something I've been struggling with is trying to find a work-life balance. I'm an incredible workaholic, and for years would say my work is my hobby. But that was just a deflection to not have to have hobbies or other selfish things. In the past few years, I've had to scale back my work, but it's left a vacuum that I fill in not very healthy ways. I've been trying to find something to be interested in, but whenever I do, I think it's to inconsequential to waste my time on, or something I'd have to devote too much energy to to be any good. I can remember viewing others work even when I was young (like in college) and thinking to myself, "yeah, but it doesn't matter because... whatever the because was". I realize now that my M imposed her grandiose expectations on me. I've spent my whole life trying to live up to them, and trying to make my reality fit my unrealistic expectations, until the wheels finally came off. Her expectations of "what matters" has warped my world view. So I'm going to try to start doing something just because. Not because it's useful, or because it will have a payoff, or make me rich and famous or even because anybody will understand. And if I try that something and decide I don't like it, I'm going to reserve the right to change my mind. Just because I started something doesn't mean I have to finish it. (I have frantically finished everything I start, no matter how bad, and also frantically tried to connect dots and make things make sense).
I guess I'm asserting my right to live in the moment, and make (healthy) choices that are valid for that moment only.
I also did something that feels like it's probably trivial and petty, but I changed my contact in my phone from "Mom" to her name. I might have to stay in contact with her in her last few years, but that doesn't mean I have to award her the title she didn't earn.
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That's a really important realization, Dante.
I think many people forget that a hobby is basically the more grown-up version of play. It's by nature not really supposed to have a "point" other than the enjoyment of the activity itself.
I get what you're saying though, I have (had) the same struggles with it. I have gotten a lot better at it though, through practice. Which sounds ironic😅
Dante, what you say resonates with me. I felt punished when I was growing up for doing leisure activities and still have a hard time allowing myself to do things just because. I hope that you find things that you enjoy and that the part that says not to do that get smaller and smaller.
Thank you both. It's a work in progress - doing something for myself makes me sort of collapse inward. I started some new online classes yesterday, but I've already in my mind written them off. I can tell in my heart it's just because I don't feel like I'm worth spending the time on, though my head is telling me that maybe I wasn't that interested anyway. I think there may be some element of truth to that, and also an element of truth to the fact that I don't really have the energy for a commitment, which also has some truth. (I guess I'm gaslighting myself, because there's always an element of truth, that's what makes it so insidious and for so many years made me feel crazy).
My head and my heart are going to compromise on "not right now, but let's try something else and maybe come back to that".
Better day yesterday. I did rest a little bit and watched some TV that I wanted to watch. This is a big step for me, first of all, picking something that I wanted to watch, but second of all watching TV at all. If I've watched 20 hours of TV this year, I'd be surprised, I usually just chalk it up to "a waste of time for me" (but never thought twice about others watching it". I also got some unpleasant tasks done that I didn't really want to do, so on the whole I'm feeling better.
Busy day today, and I'm trying to set realistic expectations for myself. We'll see if they are.
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hey, dante,
i've reconsidered the word 'selfish' when it comes to doing things just for the sake of enjoyment or because i want to. many of us have been taught that selfish is bad and by connection, if we do something just for ourselves, we are bad. i've reframed that word to be self-ish - doing for self rather than for others. it was a huge expectation i'd lived under most of my life, and it was a difficult struggle to take that step for myself, allow myself to do what i wanted to do rather than what was expected of me. i hope you are able to find your way out of that jungle. i used to tell my D, who also wrestles with the concept of resting and relaxing, that these are actually constructive work, something our bodies and minds need on a regular basis.
i likened it to the idea of weight training. while it's important to do the workouts with the weights for various muscle groups, it's equally as important to rest 1-2 days between workouts on any one group. without the day of rest, the muscles eventually become damaged rather than healthier, and they can get to the point of overload where they stop working as we need them to.
i'm glad you were able to get some tv in, just for yourself. it's a big step, and may i encourage you to take more of those. just for you - you deserve it. love and hugs :hug:
It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been stormy for the last little while, but I'm feeling better today. I thought I would post while it lasted. Not much else to say except I'm here.
I'm sorry you've been feeling stormy. Lying low is sometimes all we can do, though. Saying "I'm here" is worthwhile and important. I'm glad you're here.
glad you were able to get thru the storm. good to hear from you again. love and hugs :hug:
Dante, I resonate with the difficulties you've had progressing through Walker's book. As was mentioned on another thread today, pacing can be very important on this journey.
One wants to rush through material that seems helpful. Yet on the other hand, often the helpfulness requires some patience as it's a two-edged sword; involving looking forward (how do I resolve my probs?) and backwards (painful memories).
I have enough problems with sleepless nights as is; but find I can exacerbate it with reading just that one little nugget before trying to nod off. In Walker's case, it's probably good that he can touch on both prospects -- a better way forward, but also alert the reader to what might have gone wrong with their story so far.
It can take a bit of reflection, as you've just done with this post, to realize this. We want so desperately to rush on. Perfectly understandable, but usually warp speed can't undo what took years of internal pressure to build.
So I guess I'm hoping you can keep this up. Starting from the self-realization that for you, the daytime reading might make a difference. Hope so! :hug:
Thanks Armee, San and woodsgnome. Hope you all are doing well today.
Hey Dante,
Online classes are a serious commitment and it takes a lot for everything to go well.
Quotealso an element of truth to the fact that I don't really have the energy for a commitment
It might be worthwhile to consider you did the right thing, regardless of the element or truth or not. Most decisions contain an element of truth, but the priority you give it really depends on your daily needs.
Making several changes all at once and feeling comfortable & good about them sometimes causes a bit conflicting feelings to come up.
Thanks BeeKeeper. I do have a lot of changes I'm trying to make all at once and I think I've got to prioritize a bit. Your message helped me to see that and also see acceptance. Thanks for that.
:hug:
I'm feeling better and more confident now about some of the recent changes that I've made to break some unhealthy and self-destructive habits. Still early, but all signs point toward me finally being able to make progress when I haven't been able to before. I owe thanks to all of you, because here for the first time, my ignored, neglected inner child has been validated. I wasn't crazy, it did happen, and it did suck. I think I've been looking for and not finding that all my life from therapists, priests, family (who caused it in the first place). Thank you all for that. For the first time, the light at the end of the tunnel might not be a train after all.
I am trying to add in some food detox this week. My recent changes have also unfortunately included a 10 lb gain, so I need to get that under control.
:hug:
The validation really really helps. I think especially coming from other trauma sufferers, because we tend to think "others had it worse so I should be ok" - being validated by the kind souls on this forum gave me permission to accept things.
I'm really proud of you for making progress on taking better care of yourself. Cut yourself a lot of slack as you work your way through that process, slip ups, and weight gain. The weight will come off when it's time. For now if gaining a bit of weight is the temporary price for reducing other more harmful ways of coping maybe try to let it be there for a bit.
Thanks, Armee. :hug:
As I've shared, I've made progress against some of my more self-destructive urges. Today, should I get through it, is day 10. I've realized I'm not angry anymore. I'm still hurt, and still very, very scared. But I'm not angry anymore. That was a shocking revelation, and I realize now my self-destructive urges were a way to act out my anger - but I had to do it at myself because it wasn't OK to be angry at anyone else>. Now that I'm not angry (or at least less angry, or maybe situationally appropriately angry), I'm finding I don't even feel the need for those urges.
I did something else for myself this weekend. I have maintained a 'list' for 15 years, of all the things I was expected to do. And used it to excoriate myself for my failures. Some of the stuff on that list have been there for 15 years, but the list never empties because I could never possibly be all everyone else expects me to be. And I keep the list to make sure I don't forget because I'm terrified of forgetting. So I just feel constantly overwhelmed, and then beat myself up for failing. So I ripped up the list. It's gone. Some of the stuff on it I'll have to do eventually, maybe, but I'm no longer living according to someone else's list.
Last thing for today, had a pretty strong EF this morning. Was listening to a song in the car that took me back to college and a friendship that I damaged/destroyed. College was not a good time for me (I was expected to figure out who I was, despite never having a template that said I was allowed to or how to, and I was expected to form relationships when I had no template for having such relationships). I realized halfway through the song what it was doing, and hit skip. It was empowering, and the EF subsided soon after.
Thanks for this safe place to share!
dante, these are some remarkable steps you took. kudos to you! :cheer: being able to feel less urgent about self-destructive behaviors, tearing up that list (that was such a powerful thing to do!), and turning off that song - wow! and another cheer for your 10 days :cheer: pretty impressive all the way around!
keep up the good work, ok? those unrealistic perfectionist expectations that were placed on us, well i can truly relate to that. it takes a lot of strength to cut those out of our lives. i give you all kinds of credit for these accomplishments. i hope this wasn't overload on the compliments. i know it can also be difficult to take those in. love and hugs :hug:
1. :cheer:
QuoteI realize now my self-destructive urges were a way to act out my anger
2. :cheer:
QuoteSo I ripped up the list.
3. :cheer:
Quoterealized halfway through the song what it was doing, and hit skip.
By George, I think you've GOT it! :hug:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I agree...By George, You GOT it.
I am bouncing inside at you tearing up that list! Who needs THAT?
Thank you San, BeeKeeper and Armee! :grouphug:
When I started this, I thought that I'd write more here than I have. It did prompt me to start writing stuff I wish I had written a long time ago, and because of that, I'm grateful I started this experiment (the journal, not the forum). But I think the journal has served its purpose, and I don't think I'll write in it again. (I do still plan to participate on the forum).
I'm writing this note for me, to set some closure on this particular form of exploration. With my OCD, I can't leave things unfinished, so I'm saying it's finished because it has ended here.