I feel like I've always suppressed an overwhelming hopelessness in order to survive. I've reached a point where it's hard to suppress anymore. And lately I feel I just don't want to fix it? I know that sounds bad. But I just kind of want to feel my own feeling, I think. I don't want to do self-help, I just want to experience it. Be seen. Talk about it but like...for comradery and empathy's sake but not to be "fixed". I'm not sure if I've ever let myself do that before. I don't have a lot of faith in myself lately, I hope it's not wrong to want to just sit with this overpowering hopelessness. But it's what I feel I should do, in my gut. Just sit with it like it's a friend. Let it be known, let it be normal. Maybe it's human, to feel this way.
I think when I feel lost like this, I default on wanting direction from others. (Which is an unhealthy habit of mine. I have a talent for finding untrustworthy people in that regard.) So trusting my gut when it tells me, basically, "Just wallow in depression I guess" is hard. Idk if allowing myself to feel hopeless = wallowing in depression, though. It feels a little different than that maybe. Almost a refreshing different.
I think there is power and healing in just being with what is there. My experience is that it has given me the chance to be curious about myself and eventually (some) others.
Hi Goblinchild,
I absolutely recognize what you're saying. I tend to keep it to myself, because it annoys me that most people will either respond by trying to fix it, by telling me not to feel that way, or the exact opposite (being even more dramatic about it than I mean it to be, haha).
When in reality, all I need is to feel what I feel without judgement (not just from others, but from myself!) and just let it be for a bit.
I do agree that there's a difference between allowing yourself to feel something, and "wallowing". Allowing yourself to feel it, is more of a "holding space" for that feeling, and giving it space to move freely through you (and eventually out). Wallowing is more like "becoming the feeling", and holding on to it. Letting it swallow you whole, and placing yourself in a victim position.
In my experience, (learning to) allowing myself to feel it is a process. I think you've already made a great step by finding that distinction between feeling and wallowing, and by having the intention to make space for it. Take it step by step :)
And by feeling what you feel, you make space for something new :)
Goblinchild,
My response might be a bit all over the place, so bear with me... I wonder if the word "wallow" is coming from your ICr (inner critic)?
Allowing yourself to feel hopeless could be just allowing yourself to feel what is instead of covering it up? I think that could be healthy if it doesn't go on for too long. In fact my T taught me that if I feel into 'what is' and allow it to be, it will actually change quite quickly. I don't have much personal experience with following T's advice but that's a different story.
You feel a "refreshing" difference. That would certainly indicate that allowing this feeling of hopelessness is different to being in depression for you. You don't "want" to fix it - doesn't sound bad to me. Sounds authentic. ime allowing myself to say things like that out loud (to myself or in T) and later on even to people in normal settings brought about a change. Whereas not allowing myself to feel what I felt or speak what I felt/thought deep within myself left me stuck in deep, semi-permanent depression.
Do you have a Journal on here? I can't remember. If you do, you can 'talk' about it there, just saying in case there's nobody irl you can talk to who won't try and fix you.
Hmm... I find your post very interesting, Goblinchild.
I've defenetly felt the same way about not wanting to fix those overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and despair. But why it's like that for me, I'm not sure... It could be the fact that it is an absolutly daunting task to fix it, and I just don't have the energy or stamina for it.
It could also be that I'm used to push every feeling away, cause it's "bad", and I don't want that anymore. The experience called Life, is so much more than happy clappy feelings. If you take away every "bad" feeling, you basically take away the possibility to have some depth in your life, gain understanding and see the true beauty of it. No where is light any brighter than in utter darkness... I know this sounds really stupid for a person consumed by darkness... I've been there, so I know..
But I believe it's true.
I've also felt that the thought of not wanting to fix it, stem from one of my parts that are like this rebellious, defiant 3 year old! She has no intention what so ever to change anything.
It can also be very anxiety provoking for me to even think the though of "change", so that may also be a reason I don't want to face any change...
The fact that a survivor's brain is neurologically changed, and we have these "pathways" that set us up for hopelessness and despair, makes me think it doesn't have to be like that. The work it requires will be well worth it in the end. I feel it's not fair, in a sense, for me to stay in these old patterns. I don't deserve it! It's like my abuser then stil have power over me if I don't change it. There is a better life for me if I'm able to change these pathways.
Reflecting on things like this is really important. I think I've come to realise that I really do want to live my life with less hopelessness, and being able to expect good things to happen in my life. I've come to realise that for that to happen, I need to sit with every feeling that comes to the surface. So... I don't want to "fix" it... just give hopelessness the space it needs, and then put it in it's right place, and not let it consume me...
And then...writing this I feel fake, cause when I'm in an EF, all reason, logic, and reflection is gone, and I'm back to square one...
Anyway... I apologise if it didn't make any sense. I don't have the same vocabulary in english as in my native language, which is frustrating when I want to explain something.
I guess I just wanted to say I've been thinking about the same things as you.