i'm in a new mind place again, which marks the next step for me. i have a doc now, one, which i haven't had in i can't even tell how long. maybe not since i was a kid. for some reason my memory of doctors in my past has been being shoveled from one to another. even the ones i thought were going to be the ones to take care of me - 2 that i remember, one for childbirth, one for general - both were called away at a crucial time in my medical history, and i had strangers, once again, doing whatever procedure was important at that moment.
so, i never felt like i could say 'my doctor said or did this or that', or had one who knew me and my history. and in mexico, unless you paid out of pocket, which i couldn't do, the health service was a series of revolving doctors in training (they were sent to our small town to do their internship, so to speak, but it wasn't supervised, nothing like what we have here in the states, they spent a year in our town, then would move on to the big city). so, health care there was spotty at best. i mean, the cancer which continued to crawl across my head for over 15 yrs was diagnosed alternately as eczema or psoriasis. it wasn't till i got back to the states that a doc took one look and gasped in astonishment, too biopsies on the spot. turns out it was 2 types of cancers, and he saved my life, literally.
at any rate, i'm now here, planning to stay here, and have an established doctor for the first time in a very long time. it's a new feeling, kinda good, actually, settled, strong, reliable. that's nice.
and another next step is getting a new T, which i'm in the process of doing. that will feel nice, too, especially if i can find one i work well with. we'll see. so, step by step . . .
:cheer: :hug: :applause:
thanks for all the hugs and cheers, NK, but unfortunately all the good feelings didn't last very long and i'm in a very bad place tonite, crying, afraid, worried, anxious. talked to a potential T today, he sounded gentle but he loved putting labels on everything i told him, and i hate those kinds of labels, don't care about them, just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore.
Hi San,
I'm so sorry you encountered this party crash T. The type is a complete deal breaker for me. So I understand it's a kick in the teeth to hope you've found a match, and him turning out to be a labeling machine. That modus operandi is of a dying paradigm. You're a human being, not a collection of labels. That's how you deserve to be treated. Especially by a T. Off course you deserve help from someone who's not going to hurt you! They are out there. I hope you can tap into your previous vibe again soon. The established doctor is still there as a solid pillar for that. Love and hugs :bighug:
I'm sorry the potential T did not turn out to be a good fit. I hope you soon find another. :hug:
San,
"just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore."
Absolutely. Natural. You deserve this. :grouphug:
SO, thank you for all you said. you helped normalize my feelings for me. labeling machine. yes. he also threw in 'avoidant attachment', which when i looked it up, had nothing to do w/ me. or my parents. so, all this stress, and now, hopefully, i can calm down today. thank you so much. :hug:
thank you, NK. i hope so, too. :hug:
Marcine, i so appreciate that you wrote that. thank you very much. :hug:
i could not settle at all last nite, couldn't get to sleep till sometime around 3 or 4. i can't believe how much this disturbed me. it was just weird that he kept trying to guess at and label what i was talking about. i really appreciate what everyone said, cuz this obviously hurt me, and i only spoke w/ him about 20 min. hmmm . . . i didn't think about that before, but, yes, feeling so agitated, disrupted inside, unable to settle are things that are not good for me. i can't say how much i appreciate you bringing this forward for me. i didn't quite get it, but you all helped fill it in for me. thank you again.
Hey San, I'm sorry about the labeling machine and how it upset you, I can surely relate.
I do like how you named this thread "the next step". You writing about the 'labeling machine' here and others commenting are next step already taken. This is how we keep going and learning. Keep taking steps. Lots of love.
:hug:
Hey San, yeah, a broken photocopy machine of a therapist would bring anybody down. But that being said, please take your time. Hope is important, but we all know the reality: good, honest, informed and balanced trauma therapists are definitely not in the majority. I totally believe you deserve the very best, but sadly, the very best is hard to find, so please hang tough and know that your search might take some time. Keep looking and keep positive, but most important, be patient (as best as you can).
Sending love, support and hugs through this process.
:hug:
DF, yep, i will continue to take next steps. for some reason, i can't not. my spirit won't allow it. sorry, tho, that you could relate to getting so upset. that sucks, but thank you for your support. :hug:
hey, chart, i think i'm just so on the edge right now that the prospect of getting therapeutic help may be blinding my good sense. or stirring up my anxiety greatly. or both. but thank you for your kindness and care. much appreciated. :hug:
my D is helping me find a T on a different site, and this morning she showed me 2 possibilities, one of which emphasized mindfulness, and my anxiety kicked in full bore at the idea of asking her to call me, do an evaluation. my chest got tight, my hands began wringing, i stiffened up. my D noticed it all and reassured me she would make contact, set up a phone call for me.
i think when i had my mini-breakdown the other week, told her about never having anyone help me, having to figure it all out by myself, that she decided she wanted to help me w/ this. which was a little strange to me, cuz just a few days before she told me she wanted to help but was so stressed out herself she just didn't have anything else to give out. at any rate, she's showing me in real time that she's got my back, which is weird. feels weird.
and there's a little voice in the back of my head from when she once told me that she wouldn't be able to take care of me if i needed that certain level of care-giving, and she'd put me in a home and would visit every week. and i think that reminds me of when my F told me that if i got pregnant by my boyfriend, he'd send me away to another city in this state that had a home for girls 'in trouble'. at that time, i asked a friend's mom a few weeks later if i could stay w/ their family if that happened, and she immediately said of course. (the kicker of this is that when my S and i were older, and i told her this story, she said he told her the exact opposite, that if she got pregnant, not to worry, the family would be there for her.)
so, people wanting to get rid of me if i'm too problematic is a theme both past and future. thinking about that, is it any wonder i can't let go, can't take the time to just be, must keep moving ahead, stay productive? not get in anyone's way, not be a burden, worry about my body breaking down, hospitals, surgeries, all that jazz, not only financially but what it might mean for my future way of life? on my own again is what it feels like.
just got back from a walk - feels good to be able to do that again. i have to get some in during the next few days, cuz on mon. i'm getting my 2 final vaccines, and i know i'll be laid up for at least a week, if not more. still, it feels so good to be able to sleep again. dang, what a difference it makes.
happy holidays. carry on.
Very nice that you were able to take a walk! And I'm so happy you were able to sleep!
:cheer:
Happy Holidays to you too :hug:
thank you, DF.
i've looked over several posts, cannot make sense out of anything other than hugs. my mind has been frazzled and fried, i guess.
i was so optimistic when i began this journal, now i'm just sick and miserable again, have been for most of the past 6 wks. will this never end?
I'm very sorry you've been feeling so sick for such a long time again. Sending you lots of love to warm your heart a little bit. I hope you feel better soon.
:hug:
So sorry San! Sending you a big hug from Holland. :bighug:
Hey San, just wanted to send you another big hug, in case you're not feeling so well. I'm thinking of you. I hope you can take it easy. Best wishes too.
:hug:
DF, your hugs and caring are so meaningful to me. thank you from my heart. :hug:
SO, i appreciate that big hug from holland. i can see it clearly surrounded by tulips, which may sound cliche, but i love flowers so much and their link to holland is embedded in my brain. thank you. :hug:
started feeling a little better today. have no nothings for the new year. just trying to get from one day to the next w/o losing my mind.
(https://media.cntraveller.de/photos/67f782585d9598ee124bfa35/master/w_1600,c_limit/GettyImages-1401388169%20(1).jpg)
SO, that may be so cliche, but honestly, it nearly took my breath away at the same time putting a smile into my heart. thank you so much for that. i know i won't forget it. it's really special. :hug:
talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating. maybe i need to get mad at them. or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.
anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that. i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own! so that sent me flying away from that even further. also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways. i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'. i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.
anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen. but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing. i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy. we'll see.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 12, 2026, 04:52:12 PMto find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list
I think it's very good to just hold those two things in mind and just see how the rest evolves.
If there's any time to start thinking about 'parts' it would be whenever you are ready, no sooner than that, if ever.
I totally understand you would not be able to sleep before an apointment like this. Wishing you lots of good luck in a few hours, I'll be thinking of you.
Love and hugs :hug:
thanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say. you are part of my strength. :hug:
;D
Yeah, always scary to meet a new therapist. I have a hunch you are very co-regulatable though, and the nerves can dissipate quickly. Good to see you have your priorities straight with regards to therapy. A therapist who does a lot of IFS is highly likely to be attuned. I don't expect them to push you into IFS stuff unless you feel you're up for that. It's you're call. If and when. I'm happy that you've found a new therapist. Good luck [you don't have to perform]. :hug:
San, I've been thinking of you today and really hope the appointment with the new T went as gently as possible.
Given what you shared, it makes so much sense that safety, stability, and being truly heard are the most important things right now. Any trauma-informed therapist should understand that co-regulation, attunement, and careful listening come before doing anything else.
You deserve care that meets you where you are, without pushing or rushing any parts (named or unnamed). I hope today brought even a small sense of steadiness.
:hug:
So, thank you so for your words of encouragement. :hug:
thebigblue, thank you for being on my side. :hug:
to both of you, you'd think she'd be attuned - she says she's a trauma therapist (altho i've run into that before). i told her beforehand that i was terrified of the whole IFS situation, that i'd been seeing my former T 2x/week cuz i was in crisis for 5 yrs., that i'd asked that T about IFS, she didn't go anywhere w/ it w/ me, and i told this T i thought it was because she didn't think i could manage it. also about my alexithymia, couldn't feel my emotions, and when i looked up IFS it talked about how do i feel toward a part, how did the part feel about me, and since i didn't even feel my own feelings, that was too much.
yet she insisted on poking at it w/ the gray lady, who i said i didn't hate, but that i was embarrassed more by the fact that i couldn't handle situations on my own. she went on about how the parts are there to protect us, blah blah :blahblahblah: and i know all that, explained i'd been very floaty much of my life, didn't feel like i had other parts, just air/wind.
and after it was all done, we made a date for next week, and i got up from my chair and i could barely move my legs. this was at 3, it wasn't till nearly 9 that i figured it all out. (i'd also told her i have a lot of psychosomatic stuff going on cuz of the alexithymia). i've been dragging around the house for nearly 6 hrs., barely able to walk, and i finally sat down and thought about this whole thing. i discovered a bit ago that when my legs go it means anger. i don't feel it most of the time, and when i don't, my legs stop working instead. so, ok, i'm angry, but about what? had to think about that for a while also, and it came to me finally that it was cuz she didn't frickin' listen to what i'd been saying about the IFS situation, she went there anyway, kept poking at it, coming back to it, talking about it/the gray lady, had me talk about her - but it was at least half the session focused on that.
so, i'm pissed! :pissed: and when i finally figured it all out, having to go backwards from my legs to my brain, they are now working quite well again. it feels miraculous, but it's what i've been saying and experiencing for so long now, and she wouldn't frickin' listen!!!! :aaauuugh: and i end up feeling crummy cuz i can barely walk because she wouldn't go slow, but kinda jumped right in!!!!
i think i'll see her next week and give her a piece of my mind, let her know she didn't listen to me, tell her what happened because of it, and see how she responds. this may be a make it or break it moment right off the bat, and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions, i'd love to hear them. i'm so mad right now i can barely see or think straight!!! :stars: thanks. i knew you all would be with me - i'm sure that's how i figured this out in a relatively short time, altho it felt long to me. i was so upset i had a cigarette, and it felt right. and i'm not too happy about that, either.
San, I'm so sorry you went through this. And at the same time, I'm really glad you noticed what was happening and trusted yourself enough to follow it through, even though it took time to make sense of it. That matters.
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.
I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.
As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.
I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.
"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."
San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending :hug:
Hey San, just to let you know as well that I'm really sorry for how that session went. To my mind, it seems very insensitive that the T went right ahead into what you said you were really scared about. It feels like an important boundary was crossed and I don't think this is the way trauma informed therapy (where your autonomy and agency should be very important) should work.
And you have every right to be angry about that, that's actually a healthy response to boundaries being crossed. So, one way or another, I think it's important to let the T know that.
I also applaud your awareness of what was going on, how your body and legs reacted and how you were able to address that already, that's so important too.
So regardless of how the T did, I think you did very well. And I wish you well in recovering from this session and taking the next step with/towards this T in (your!) due time. Take care.
Sending you lots of warmth, recognition and love
:hug:
Arg! What is it with these people!? Have "trauma informed" and IFS become subject to inflation? I'm sorry you had such a bad experience San. On the other hand, I'm really impressed by your insights, and the self-advocacy fire you're tapping into! This is powerful. You are powerful. Therapeutic, no? I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you're going to give her a piece of your mind. That's so healthy and therapeutic to do, isn't it? Cheering you on!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
first, thank you, all you fine people for your thoughts on this.
thebigblue, that 'letter' was so well-thought out, it really was on the mark. if i tend to go that route, i could almost use it word for word! thanks for your kindness and care. it felt really good. :hug:
DF, i thought so, too, about how much she dismissed what i'd said about not wanting to do IFS right from the start. thanks for picking up on that, cuz that's what really ticked me off. i so appreciate your warmth, recognition, and love, too. that felt wonderful to read that. and thanks for validating that my anger is warranted. much appreciated. :hug:
SO, you made me smile so hard! thanks for all the power recognition - i am feeling powerful right now. all your words just stirred me up in a good way! love it!!! :hug:
i am so grateful for all your insights here. i also talked to me D about it this morning, and she immediately said, 'well, you can cross her off the list'. she remembered that i'd mentioned red flags in my first phone call w/ her, when i introduced myself w/ my name, and when she responded, she used a diminutive of it. when it happened again, i told her 'people usually call me san', but it was a small red flag already that she didn't listen and also that she went along w/ her own agenda re: how to address me.
so, my D is ready to let her go via email, in the most efficient way possible - dear T, this isn't going to work, i won't be seeing you again' kind of thing. but i really do like the idea of giving her my reasons, give her a chance to respond, see if she has any referrals that could be useful. and, now that i think of it, this way i won't have to pay for another session. so, i'll think on this for a day or so, but i want to tell you all again how much this meant to me.
o, and as far as what you said, tbb, therapists are human, i understand that, and can make mistakes, and i went thru that w/ my former T several times w/o a problem, but here, to me, the idea that she wouldn't listen to some very basic requests was more dismissive of what i'd asked for than just making a mistake. so, maybe we have a little different view on that, or maybe i'm more sensitive cuz it's happened too often.
at any rate, thank you for your responses. you really helped me sort thru this.
San, I'm really glad you wrote this, and I want to say this clearly and simply:
You're not "too sensitive."
What you're describing is good judgment and reclaimed agency.
I see exactly what you mean about the red flags feeling too basic to overlook. When someone doesn't listen to how you name yourself, doesn't adjust after you correct them, and then overrides clearly stated limits in-session - that's not a subtle rupture. That's a pattern of not taking your reality seriously.
I also understand the distinction you're making between human mistakes and dismissiveness. Those are not the same. You've done repair before. You know what "oops, I missed that" feels like versus "I'm proceeding with my agenda anyway." What you're naming here sounds like the latter, and it makes sense that it landed as unsafe.
If I add one small thing - just as something to hold, not a direction - it's this:
I've read (and experienced with my own T) that when a rupture is actually met with listening, accountability, and slowing down, the repair itself can be somatically healing. Not because we owe anyone another chance, but because being taken seriously after saying "this hurt" can rewire something deep.
That said: repair only heals when the other person is genuinely capable of it. You're already doing the right thing by giving yourself time, considering your options, and not rushing to override your own knowing.
Whatever you decide - clean break, explanatory email, or seeing how she responds - you are choosing from agency now, not pressure. And that matters. You sorted through this with clarity and self-respect. That's not small at all. 💛
TBB, thank you for all your insight and support. it means a lot. when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff. i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. :hug:
So, i've been thinking about what to write. my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong. the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe. that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T.
i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her. it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'. this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said. honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture. never felt it. thanks for pointing this out. it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 14, 2026, 01:40:50 PMoooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
Jetzt geht's los! [sorry, this works best in German]
Life is writing poetry. You've got your money's worth with that one session. Perfectly delivered. And received. :applause:
:cheer:
and
:hug:
:applause: :cheer: :hug: :grouphug:
thanks, SO. i looked it up, lots of different translations, but i get it. jetzt geht's los indeed! thank you so much for all your support! :hug:
TBB and DF - you both made me smile. thanks so much for your encouragement and support. :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.
she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.
so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected. first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago. i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem. this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!
Very well done San, even if that results in not having found the right therapist yet. It's very important we let people know how we feel, that's therapeutic in itself imo.
So
:cheer:
and
:hug:
some more.
San, good for you. It makes complete sense that this stirs grief, fatigue, and a bit of "ugh, do I really have to do this again?" energy. And still, you're doing it with clarity, agency, and self-respect. That is huge. That's a nervous system learning it no longer has to settle.
I'm really glad you let us walk alongside you through this. Here is hoping the next step lands differently - third time's the charm. 🤍
Well done, San. I'm sorry you had to drop her but best it was done quickly once it was clear to you things were not going to work.
Hey SanMagic7, I'm late to your journal but just wanted to say I"m sorry that T didn't respect your clearly stated boundaries, and I was glad to read you set the boundary again with a letter. I admire your ability to know your own self as well as you do, communicate that to others, and then insist on interactions and treatment that is within your boundaries and safe for you. :cheer: Finding a good T is often challenging, I'm hoping for you!
i'm suffering from stress flu today, it came on yesterday, so i don't have much energy, but i do want to thank DF, TBB, NK, and HannahOne for your cheering me on, giving me all that support, and letting me know this is what 'being heard' means, which any trauma T should already know and practice.
Hi San, I hope you can take it easy now with the stress flu, not suprising that came up maybe, but still very annoying and rough. And wait till that wears off again. I'm still right here with you. Take care dear San.
:hug:
thank you, DF - i could feel your presence as i read what you wrote - very warm and soothing. :hug:
still feeling crappy, had like fever sweats last nite, so shower and sheets changed this morning. can't wait for this to run its course. again.
Pressung thumbs (German way of saying "crossing fingers") that you feel better soon!
:hug:
thank you so, TBB. i appreciate all the healing sent my way. i just need to rest off the stress of last week. :hug:
hannah1, i forgot to thank you for your validating words - haven't been thinking straight, foggy brain and all. thanks for the extra hope coming my way - much appreciated. i think i've been thru this ordeal enough times to know i want a T who wants to take care of me, not the other way around, and i'm no longer afraid to say so. i was, very much so, in the past, but it's been a long road and a lot of practice w/ much encouragement from people like you to get me to where i am. thank you so. :hug:
hangin' in. cutting way back this weekend.
You're in my thoughts this weekend, San. Take care. Sending love.
:hug:
thank you so, chart, for the love and care you send me. it helps so much.
on another note, i read in one of your posts about feeling/not feeling pain and how it may be connected to healing. it brought up the memory of not too long ago when i finally felt the pain of having my doll disappeared from me by my mother, and how, 70 yrs. later i finally felt the pain of it. and awful it was, too, several days of it. it may just be, tho, as you suggested, that w/o feeling that pain, it simply stayed inside, causing a ruckus w/ my innards in some way, maybe down to a cellular level. now i've felt it, it's come out of me, even tho the feeling of it caused major stress responses, i do think there may be a healing element to it. thank you for bringing that up. :hug:
finally had a good night's sleep. i think i'll be able to continue writing on my third myth and magic book - i've got 2 done, and this whole writing thing is feeling like the third iteration of my life. hairdresser, therapist, now author. besides, of course, wives and mother along the way, college, trade school, work, while the rest were happening. i guess i've had a pretty busy life. a great life, actually.
and coping, struggling, confused - all that went along w/ the c-ptsd, learning about that, about myself in relations to it, the other issues that have caused me pain, anxiety, floatiness, following others in order to know where to go and how to be. bucking the 'norm', battling to be me w/o even knowing who i am. weird by wonderful in some ways. lots of adventures, lots of stories, a life fully lived. a belief system no one else can quite follow, even i can't follow it sometimes. people afraid of me cuz i'm spontaneous and unpredictable. can't be controlled, i guess, as someone once told me.
just some reflecting. sometimes it's good for me to look back, see where i've come from, what i've come thru. i think it's a grounding thing.
still thinking about parts. some responses to one of my posts mentioned my parts, how they're feeling. i truly don't know if i have parts, except the gray lady, who is the one who endures whatever situation i'm in that i want to run from but know i have to stay, see it through. i'm definitely not aware of any part like i've heard so many people talk about here. i feel rather nebulous most of the time, do things w/o much thought or planning, couldn't ever answer that job application question - where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.? never had a clue how that could even apply to me.
i can relate to having inner children, can see them when i look inside. at least, can connect them to certain incidences throughout my life. but parts? nope, can't pinpoint anything like that. i just don't see them.
San,
I happen to enjoy people who don't put too much thought or planning into doing things. It's funny to call it rebellious, because I think it's more like you're connecting more with the present moment. And that question, "where do you see yourself in five years?" was the worst question I could be asked during performance reviews. I wanted to just say, "I don't know what I'm going to have for dinner tonight."
I used to get frustrated with the questions interviewers would ask because most people were just asking the buzzword questions they thought they were supposed to ask. And by golly, most interviewees were just giving the buzzword answers they hoped would get them the job. Corporate America rewards buzzword parrots, liars and narcissists. I was often on the interviewer side of interviews. I helped to hire a few people during my career, and I found that most people just made stuff up anyway. I finally started saying "I wish more people would aspire to be who they said they were in their interview, because if they did, then everyone would be a strong communicator and a team player." To me, that's just people playing with words. Ask the empty words, and answer with more empty words. Most of it means nothing.
There's a deep spiritual connection in connecting with the present and being okay letting the future be a mystery. I've known too many people who passed up opportunities because they had a rigid plan that the opportunity didn't fit into. When the stars line up, strike. Or like what my father-in-law, a former Iowa farmer used to say, "We make hay when the sun shines." Life offers so many opportunities that we aren't even expecting, and the wisest of us are willing to reach out and take them. They say, "luck is when opportunity meets readiness." And it makes life feel vibrant and alive.
That story of your missing doll really gels with me. It may have only been a doll, but it was a deep boundary betrayal to take it when you weren't looking. I've experienced a lot of that from my family and it's just simply not okay to do that. A part of us is stolen when something we value is taken. And the value may not even be in the item, but in the betrayal. I've had a lifelong trauma drama over my mother cleaning my desk out when I was about 12, (a very important age for boundaries) and I wasn't looking. She'd thrown away a small box of envelopes I'd collected. I had NO use for them. They had NO value, but they were MINE. And when I challenged her on it, she just laughed at me. When I challenged her laughing at me she told me to "dry up and go away." I've never been okay with her doing that. It's like when people tell me what it felt like to have their house burgled. They always say "I felt so violated". That's what taking my envelopes was about. I was violated just one more time.
Inner children: Sometimes, when I'm in therapy and I'm expressing my irrational emotions to adult things, (Like having some worthless envelopes thrown out), my therapist frames it differently. He says, "That sounds like a very young part of yourself that's feeling this stress." When it's a rough enough flashback, he asks if I can sense how old I feel right now. I usually am able to pinpoint it. Sometimes I feel like I'm 5. Other times 12. Last week something came up and when he asked, I could tell I felt like I was about 18. We didn't go down to the point of identifying a particular part because I got what I needed by just going to the age and working with it from there.
I love that you're writing Myth and Magic books. M&M breaks the mind out of the box of physical boundaries. Open the cage and let the imagination fly!
Hi dear San, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are okay, but it is not within my capacity to read or respond on the Forum atm.
:hug:
hey, PC, yep, i agree, violated is a good word for having something taken w/o permission, no matter by what means. i've had that happen w/ 2 pianos as well. it's all loss. needs to be grieved. waiting to find a T before i tackle that in a meaningful way. doing it on my own was just too hard. thanks for being with me. :hug:
DF, i so appreciate you stopping by and giving me a hug. thank you so. :hug:
i'm on a grief kick this morning. have been seeing how much grief i have that's never been resolved. i think a lot of that is cuz i couldn't feel the feelings that go w/ it, such as hurt and pain. the incident not too long ago, feeling the pain of my doll disappearing, knocked me out for at least 3 days. very sick-y feeling, could barely walk. the usual stress flu thing. i know i have a lot i've lost, a lot i've never gotten, so haven't had the chance to see what life might've been like if i'd had it, which i register as a loss.
i've also probably got a lot of grief around getting things that weren't healthy for me, like the way i've been treated by too many people. those things caused me to lose my sense of self, confidence, self-assurance, knowing myself, who i am, who i present, who i am w/ others or the world in general. lots and lots of loss. but way too much to deal w/ on my own. and first i need stabilization anyway, and i chance to be heard and understood, cuz i know i don't react to some things the way the majority do. meditation, tai chi, yoga, certain music and sounds, and the like. my energy does not correspond w/ that type of energy.
at any rate, just knowing how much grief i still hold inside is a biggie. feeling those feelings of pain and hurt that came out of me a few weeks back - wow!! how much more of that is still inside me? is it any wonder, then, that my body can't function the way it needs to at times? that i collapse when there's too much of one stress or another in my life? i'm already full up, and adding more causes the water to overflow the glass. maybe someday . . .
:hug:
San,
I'm feeling shivers in my spine as I read your post. Gads, I just want to hug you so bad right now. Grief. You are absolutely talking to my soul right now. I feel it right now. To just sit back and let the crying happen would feel so good, and it's so hard to achieve.
My therapist often says he knows there are screams inside me trying to get out and he hopes that one day I can let down my guard enough to let those screams out. That's like grief. Grief is release. crying is release. Screaming is release. I'm so sorry to hear of all the things that have been taken from you. I can feel that same agony in my bones as well. It was violation. And that's what hurts the most.
In my heart, I believe you are tapping into something we both need. In order to let go of the pains from the past, we need to settle into a serious grief. I wish it was easier. I am holding onto the faith that it's possible, and maybe, together, we can go forth and find that crying place where we can feel the sting or our past violations finally let go of us and let us relax and be glad that we survived it. Right now, I don't feel like I've survived my past. I feel like my body thinks I'm still being violated and I still need to survive it. I'm still trying to cut through the chains that aren't really connected to anything, but I keep thinking they are. Grieving will feel so good when we finally achieve it.
HUGE HUG!!!! :bighug:
:yeahthat:
:bighug:
Sending you a big hug :bighug: as well.
this was so much for me, i need a break. thanks to all of you. more later.
:hug:
San,
From one overwhelmed soul to another, :hug: Just know you're not alone. We're all pulling for each other.
Grief is real.
:grouphug:
thank you for stopping by w/ a hug, armee. it felt good. :hug:
PC, thank you for sharing your empathy. grief is such a big deal, and yes, we'll get thru it together. :hug:
TBB, those big hugs are my favorites. thank you so. this is a lot. :hug:
hope, thank you for that big hug. i know what's behind it, and i can feel it. :hug:
PC, yes, yes we are. and it's wonderful. thanks. :hug:
hannah1, thanks for the validation. and all those lovely hugs. :hug:
just thinking about grief, and how many of us have so much of it inside that we haven't been able to feel, let go of, or continue to carry around in our bodies, on our shoulders, in our hearts - i wonder how many bodily illnesses might be connected to the amount of grief inside us, wreaking havoc on our innards, on our brains and minds. if i think of that, i get a sense of urgency about letting it out, getting rid of it.
i mean, grieving means feeling the pain of the loss. w/o grieving, we are carrying huge amounts of pain inside us. and pain carries with it it's own type of neg. energy, does it not? maybe i'm reaching here, but it makes sense to me, that our feelings/emotions are energy-charged. that can be the only explanation i can think of as to why anticipation of a happy event, like a visit or a gathering or something meaningful can cause me stress. for many years i've learned that i have to tamp down my feelings of excitement and anticipation or i get sick. i've even had to cancel a trip to the states when i lived in mexico because of being too sick to travel.
so, to me it doesn't matter what position a feeling takes, so-called pos. or neg., it still has its own energy. dang, i can't wait to find a T and be able to start working on this. i'm too scared now to do it on my own after my last experience.
:hug:
I think you are so right and I am sending all the good vibes from the left coast that you can find a good T soon to help you titrate these feelings so the pain can be released and you can feel all the emotions you need to without being disabled by them. :grouphug:
SanMagic7, "just thinking about grief, and how many of us have so much of it inside that we haven't been able to feel, let go of, or continue to carry around in our bodies, on our shoulders, in our hearts - i wonder how many bodily illnesses might be connected to the amount of grief inside us."
I have been considering this a lot lately. I don't want to blame myself for my illnesses. At the same time, it is becoming obvious to me that I can't compartmentalize my pain in my mind. My mind is part of my body. There are nerve signals and hormones and cellular interactions going on constantly. The stress hormones affect the whole body in complex ways.
Your grief is very real, and taking it seriously is important, taking yourself seriously, giving yourself and grief the attention and care you need.
I think it is good to recognise how much grief there is. It's easy to overlook if one has not had a traditional bereavement to pin it on. I am realising right now that I have a lot of grief to process, too. I guess it goes with the territory.
:grouphug:
ooops, lost my page.
armee, thanks so much for the phrase 'without disabling' me. i didn't have those words before, but yes, that's exactly what happens when i have/expel such strong emotions/feelings. i do become disabled, just never thought of that term before. it would be nice to find someone who will take that seriously when i tell them about it. slower/smaller really is better for me. :hug:
hannah1, thank you for that validation. i do believe it affects all those little goodies we have inside, down to the cellular level. whew! that's a lot! :hug:
NK, i agree, now that you mention it, that it is very easy to overlook if we aren't at a funeral, something tangible, that we have losses to grieve. i like your comparison. thanks so much for that. :hug:
in a few hours a chat w/ a new T. i have a good feeling about her. and next Mon., a whole session w/ another one. we'll see how it goes, 2 down, 2 out so far. as my D was reading a list of candidates she'd found, one mentioned she was trained in EMDR Level 1. i had to immediately nix her off our list. there are 2 levels of EMDR basic training, (i've gone thru both of them), and for someone w/ complex trauma, i don't think Level 1 is enough experience and knowledge to deal with dissociation, DID, the complexities that come w/ my alexithymia.
so, i've been culling the herd in this manner as well. i'm watching out for 'parts' people, too. maybe someday, but not now. i think the one on mon. is big on attachment theory, and i can go along w/ that, except for the experience i had w/ the first T i contacted, where he was trying to guess and label my attachment levels. so, i don't know. there's so much stuff out there that wasn't around or being looked at when i was in practice, such as c-ptsd itself, i guess i'll have to wait and see. as always.
one step at a time . . .
I hope the meeting with the new T went okay, or at least felt workable. One step at a time really fits here. I'm thinking of you and hoping Monday brings a bit more clarity too.
:hug:
thank you, TBB - the session will be in about 3 hrs., so i'm sitting here in my anxiety waiting for it. i do hope it goes smoothly. this has been awfully stressful for me, and i'd like it to be done, get to the actual therapizing part and resume healing w/ help and guidance.
:hug:
:hug:
Good for you for knowing what you are and aren't looking for in a therapist! :cheer:
I hope you're making good progress in finding a new T.
:hug:
I hope your session went smoothly, thinking of you :hug:
:yeahthat:
thank you for that hug, armee. :hug:
TBB, i appreciate your hug. thanks. :hug:
thanks, SO. it's taken a lot of time and a lot of fails to finally get to know this, know myself well enough to know this. whew! :hug:
NK, i have, finally. yay! thank you! :hug:
hope, it went quite well. thanks for thinking of me. :hug:
armee, it did. i believe i have a winner. thanks. :hug:
so, the T thing - she's very soft, gentle, no arrogance, and i believe she's exactly what i need for now. i really do need to just stabilize right now, be heard, be supported. she's not versed in alexithymia, but told me she'd do some looking into it, make a plan that she'll let me know about for next week. that sounded good to me. she also said she'd let me take the lead on what i need, cuz she thought i've done a lot of work on myself, and being a therapist, too, i also have some insight into what someone in my position might need.
i'm still on the 6-mo. waiting list for the other T, who seems more energized, ready to attack some of the dissociative stuff, but i don't believe i'm ready for that yet. i had a meltdown in a group setting over the weekend cuz someone was kind to me and i've had that reaction before. for years, actually. it's that difficult for me to take kindness in - i gut-cry cuz i can actually feel it (which is unusual for me in the first place), something i've not had much of in my life, and this latest was from a man, something i've never had in my life. it was wonderful, actually, to give in to it, but the tears can't help but explode out of me.
another indication of how damaged/wounded i am.
so, yes, onward w/ this T. she told me she mostly works w/ physically disabled people, and is focused on helping her clients live true to their values. i don't know exactly what that might mean for me, cuz i don't really have a lot of overriding physical problems, like diabetes, heart condition, arthritis or the like, just my physical manifestations of emotional distress. so we'll see what that means for me. but i felt quite 'safe' with her, she didn't give off the vibe of 'i've been doing this for 20 yrs., there's nothing i haven't seen' which felt really good. i felt respected, and that was unusual, but very nice.
:cheer: here is to a "good enough T" :cheer:
:hug:
Safe and respectful, those are exactly what everyone needs. So very very happy that this T filled that security need. They're out there, hard to find and difficult sorting through the various themes and personalities, but they do exist. Looking forward to hearing how things progress.
Much love and support, San! Thinking about you very often.
:hug:
:hug:
That sounds about perfect.
That sounds lovely! I'm happy for you.
Thrilled to read that you have a T for now! :cheer:
I'm really glad you found a safe and kind therapist, that is great! It's worth a lot imo. :cheer:
:hug:
Congratulations San! I'm really happy for you that you found a match. And that you could let in the kindness. :grouphug:
thanks for the cheers, TBB. i do believe she's just what i need right now. :hug:
chart, i so appreciate the love and support. it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others. thank you so for being with me. :hug:
armee, it does, doesn't it! thank you for checking in on me. :hug:
thank you, NK. i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out. :hug:
hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me. i love it! :hug:
DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see. thank you for being here with me. :hug:
Thank you for your support, SO. i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction. those expectations/walls die hard. :hug:
after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it. i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar. and that's where all this stems from, isn't it. familiar = family. didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.
and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound. and it hit home, hard. again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is. these realizations tear at me, shred my heart. and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too) and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.
i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.
Sending you a supportive and gentle hug SanMagic :hug:
Sending you a big hug too San as you cry out what you need to. I'm sorry it's so hard to realise what we missed. And it is part of healing to do so. I'm really proud of you.
:bighug:
San, when all this starts coming up, it hurts. I'm literally crying with you. The infant is just a spark of light and joy reaching out with its heart and eyes and soul. How can they not be loved? It's incomprehensible to me too.
And now we know what we missed. It hurts, it hurts in a deep down way that got stuffed for decades. But now it's out, like a second birth. This time we are giving birth to ourselves. This time it's double-the-pain, as we are both mother AND child. It's crazy. This life is such a roller coaster. I'd never in a million years have guessed where I'd be now.
But for all the pain, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found this pain. This pain is the little Chart. I found him... finally. And we're gonna take care of our little infant selves now. They're gonna get the Love they deserve. It's never too late.
:hug:
San, I am also sending you supportive hugs. :bighug:
SanMagic7, may they be healing tears. By you witnessing the baby's pain, healing can happen retroactively. The baby is still inside us and can receive our love, compassion, and care even now. I know that to be true. I'm so sorry for the neglect you experienced and all you did not receive when you needed it. Babies should be carried, held, cuddled, and responded to. It's not hard to strap the baby to your back while you clean so it can feel your heartbeat and be held close and safe and I can't imagine continuing to sweep when the baby was crying. I'm so sorry you experienced such neglect.
It's not that hard to say hooray!, to celebrate with someone, to share a supportive hug emoji or acknowledge sadness, or reflect back how you are feeling.... it's simple, what people here are trying to give you and simple what we all need as humans. It feels strange to receive, and, it's your birthright to receive simple validation. :grouphug:
armee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this. the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain? i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru. maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those. i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.
so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart! i don't know what to do with it. it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief. i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away. so, i'll keep exploding i guess.
i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts. it does hurt. it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it. so the tears come. i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears.
i don't know. i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out. at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it. i'm exhausted.
SanMagic7, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to take good things in, it feels like it punctures something. It does, it punctures our defenses. So it can be hard to let the good things in if we are still needing those defenses against feeling too much too quickly. You're feeling a lot, and you have every right to be exhausted! This is hard work.
San, I'm really glad you wrote this. A few weeks ago, when I was in a very similar place - grieving the loss of external safety after realizing hard truths about my childhood - Kizzie responded with something that helped more than I can put into words.
Quote from: Kizzie on January 03, 2026, 04:56:41 PMI'm so sorry to hear this. Just my thoughts here but the fact that you [..] know what is the problem and by facing it and the pain and fear you are on the road out the other side.
I say from experience that some of my most painful moments came from seeing clearly what I had lost in my life, what I could not depend upon, and what I had to do to carry on. Looking at that led to looking at myself clearly, with compassion and shushing the negative voices. Slowly I came to realize I could depend on myself. Fear and pain became a feeling of freedom and trust in myself, however wobbly at first.
I hope this is helpful :hug:
It did help me - and I think it did because:
1) she normalized it: yes, this hurts really badly. There's nothing wrong with you for how intense this feels.
2) she said something that mattered deeply in the moment: when you're inside this pain, it truly feels like falling into a bottomless pit - but it isn't. It's more like a tunnel. You don't see the end while you're in it, but you are moving through it, and something does shift over time in the nervous system.
Hearing that didn't take the pain away, but it helped me feel less terrified of it, less afraid that I was breaking forever.
And for me, she was right. It's been wavy, not linear, but gradually there are fewer days completely swallowed by sadness. Things do change, even when it's impossible to feel that in the moment.
I'm really glad you'll see your T on Monday. One thing I've been learning is that healing relational trauma happens
relationally - you telling us here, us staying with you; your T listening, reflecting, attuning. That is how the nervous system learns something new. It's subtle and slow, and it rarely feels good while it's happening - but with repetition, it matters.
We are here with you. Truly. You don't have to figure this out all at once. And you don't have to go through it alone. 💛 :hug:
thank you so much for your solidarity w/ me, TBB. i do appreciate it. all this stuff has been distressing to me, the more i've learned, the more distressing it becomes. and i really haven't recognized much pain before, so feeling it now is new, and extremely distressing. part of the process of moving forward, i guess. good to have you on my side. :hug:
i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm. this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it. my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.
i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying. am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about? am i crying for a lack of something? am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack? i still am not sure.
terrible anxiety this morning, lots of neg. remembrances as i lay in bed not yet ready to get up but the only way to stop them was to get moving. therapy tomorrow - so glad of that. this crapola is driving me nuts!
Solidarity in the tough mornings. :hug:
Me too - fortunately I too will see my T tomorrow.
:hug:
My mornings are usually a labyrinth... I lay listening to the snorted breathing of the Minotaur just the other side of the stone wall.
:grouphug:
thanks for the solidarity, hannah1. it's a rough way to start the day. :hug:
TBB, sorry to hear you're going thru it as well. thank you for the support. hope therapy helps us both. :hug:
chart, thanks for sharing. i'm sending a caring hug filled w/ a giant bazooka to blow that frickin' minotaur into the next universe, where it belongs. :hug: :aaauuugh: that's the look on its face when it sees what's coming at it. :rundog: and . . . there it goes! :wave: that's me waving good-bye to it!
whew, seems that vanquishing minotaurs first thing in the morning gets my adrenaline going!
looking forward to seeing my T, seeing what she's got in store for me and also hoping to figure out those explosive tears, what's behind them. emotional dysregulation? could that be a new label i can attach to my lapel?
Vanquishing minotaurs first thing in the morning sounds - I was going to say scary and not something I would want to do, but actually the word "empowering" popped into my brain so I shall go with that. You go, girl!
Hope the session with the T is helpful.
Thanks for looking out for me, San!
:heythere: