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Eerie Anne, I appreciate you sharing here. I resonate with your experience.
Hi EireAnne,
I can relate to a lot of this, and it sounds painful, and also not fair, because you like all people need communication with friends and true compassion, listening, and caring. That's really one key path to healing, so it's not fair to expect you to figure it all out of your own. It's not your fault. You aren't doing anything wrong, I don't think.
I think you're right, though, that everyone is struggling so deeply we all have so little left to give others at this moment in history. It's sad and lonely, isn't it?
My supervisor's lack of awareness ask of me, "what are your goals? what are your skills? what strengths do you have? what duties and responsibilities do you enjoy doing most?" and I'm thinking, what, omgs I have no idea what you're asking? My goal? That I can take a sick day. My skills? That I'm still @#$ alive. I have no idea what you're asking, I am so afraid I'm going to get fired.
Thank you for sharing, Eerie Anne. I'm glad it was helpful for you and I agree, it's nice to be able to share our stories to people who won't diagnose or medicate us :Idunno:
I commend you for letting your inner child speak. I've been working a lot on recognizing and caring for my inner child, and I know just how confusing it can be. You have inspired me to let my inner child speak, and to maybe even record some of the things she is saying.
I also relate with having to go to doctors and basically spoon-feed them the diagnoses we need :blink: I also have complicated things going on in my body, and wonder just how much of it was caused by the trauma hidden inside of me. I will forever be physically sick and it makes me sad/angry to think some of this could have been avoided if I wasn't traumatized. Our bodies are complicated and always looking out for us--but that can show up in troubling and dangerous symptoms. Sending you a hug and I hope you can get some good rest tonight. Thank you for sharing with us
hi, EireAnne (or is it Eerie Anne? may i just write EA and cover both possibilities?), welcome to this forum. thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and words. you are being heard here. all parts welcome.
many of us have discovered that CB therapy doesn't work well for trauma. is there a chance you could see a trauma-informed therapist? you may get better suggestions than 'breathe', better understanding of you and your parts, how they've been protecting you while you've wandered thru an unsafe world. we've got you, and we're listening. sending a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:
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hi, EA, as far as writing in your journal, it's yours to write in as best helps you. if you check out some journals, you can see a variety of ways people use them. it's your journal.
i can relate to forgetting something i've just said, especially when speaking w/ professionals or 'authority' figures. i've gotten flustered, tuned out, am unable to understand what they're telling me at times, and have also cried. trauma brain does its own thing. i'm glad you spoke w/ someone who was kind and patient w/ you.
i believe as you continue in recovery of your true self, some of this will become easier, symptoms will lessen, and you'll feel more in control. too many times we've run into professionals who don't listen to us, and it is extremely frustrating. know that you're not alone with this. keep going, ok? we're here for you. :hug:
Hello EA. I have read your intro post and also this thread.
I just wanted to say that I found your main journal entry very compelling. Yes, it's stream of consciousness but it is clear and you convey your experience and feelings very well.
My understanding of what you have written that one of your worries is having to convey the problem to other people such as your employer. Doing so in the moment is triggering your trauma response which you feel is making you unable to articulate the situation in a way that the other person is able to understand properly. Then the other person's lack of understanding is making you feel that you are not heard. Then their attempts to offer helpful suggestions are triggering you even more because you don't feel the suggestions are helpful and could not possibly be helpful because how can they address the problem if they don't even understand it. Is that sort of on the right track?
Two main things strike me.
The first is that since you (with the help of My Crazy) are able to convey the problem in writing (assuming I have understood it to an adequate degree) then might you be able to keep journalling the problems and what your employer could do to help you, and then edit until you end up with a document that you feel you could present to an employer?
The second is that when your therapist told you to breathe you felt unheard and thought the advice dismissive but when the pharmacy lady was kind to you and also told you to breathe you found this helpful. Could you think more on the interaction with the pharmacy lady and why it was you found her to be helpful? Are you able to remember more about exactly what you said/did/felt and what she said in reply? And how that made you feel. I know your trauma response messes with your memory, especially in the moment, but it sounds like you remember quite a bit of this particular interaction and might possibly be able to remember more. Then perhaps you could tell (or write and then read out to) your therapist what it was about the pharmacy lady that made you respond to her, so your therapist can learn from this. I think the advice to breathe is good, even if it sounds basic and possibly dismissive. I think you would do well to encourage yourself and My Crazy to take a moment and breathe when the trauma starts bubbling up. I wonder whether you might be able to lead My Crazy in some deep breathing, perhaps when you are both feeling calm, so as to get in practice for when things might start feeling a bit more tough.
Also, and forgive me if I am overstepping the mark here, but I notice you call your inner child My Crazy. Why do you call her that? How does she feel about it?
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all I want is to be taken care of, like a mom was supposed to have taken care of me, because I don't WANT to be the only one doing this work, I WANT AND NEED support and the closest thing I can get to support right now is talking to myself :(
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Quote from: Eireanne on March 24, 2023, 01:53:12 PM
I still am not clear on how to work the journal. If I focus on what it is I'm trying to journal about, I feel like I'm ignoring all the helpful responses I've received and if I focus on responding, then I'm not getting my thoughts out, but I'm too busy feeling bad I may unintentionally hurt someone's feelings and then I feel selfish that I am so needy right now that I shut down.
I understand the dilemma. I usually end up responding to those who have replied in my Journal. But that's one of my problems - prioritising other people over myself. It is PERFECTLY OK to just go ahead and get your own thoughts out and not feel bad! It really looks as if you have a lot of thoughts to get out too. Once you've been getting them out for a while, you may notice you want to respond to other posters and then you can. I would suggest trying to feel what YOU want to do. Then do that. I'm OK with not getting a response to this post, I won't be hurt or offended :)
It's such a long process, EAnne. Standing with you through it. We were all in situations mostly at least 20+ years where these traumas occurred. We simply can't get it out and undo it all at once. It takes a long time. Little by little it will get out and there will be pieces of relief.
I often can't respond to people's responses in my journal even though what they've written has been a salve and just what I needed to hear. I can respond to others in their journals, but responding to what people wrote in mine is difficult. I mostly try to acknowledge that what people said was helpful without going into much detail, exactly so I'll still have the emotional energy to write new stuff. It's OK, whatever is helpful to you.
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I appreciate your reflection on being told to "breathe." It doesn't set well with me or help me and I wish it wasn't something folks suggested.
hey, EA, i've also been thru the 'sleep hygiene' lecture - so to speak - and it didn't work for me, either. as i've progressed in recovery, i've found a routine that works quite well for me most nights, plus my meds, so i'm fairly okay w/ how i'm sleeping now.
it's tough when 2 people are trying to communicate but they're on different planes and can't get thru to each other. it's so very frustrating to not be understood, no matter how many ways you say the same thing.
there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment. i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered. however, that's me. one thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone. we're learning to do what's best for us. love and hugs :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 25, 2023, 03:31:02 PM
there was a woman on this forum who used to give the suggestion to 'breathe, just breathe', and to me it always came off as taking a beat, let yourself be for a moment. i found it very helpful when i was feeling frantic and/or flustered.
That's how I understood it too and sometimes it would work for me. Probably not if I was really EF-y and/or in the throes of a huge AH.
Eireanne, breathing as a grounding/distracting method is actually not good for everybody with cptsd because it can be triggering all on its own! It can bring stuff up from the depths. It does for me for example. As san wrote, not everything works for everybody. I think everybody's cptsd is a little different, just like we human beings are all a little different from one another. Living with cptsd or even recovery from it for those who manage is a journey in finding out what works for oneself.
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I'm sorry, EerieAnne, I totally misunderstood what you were asking. I thought you were referring to how to respond in terms of content. But in terms of how to respond, yes you would just use the reply button at the top, just like you do adding your own new journal entries. There's also a quote function if you want to respond to a specific statement, like this. Once you start a reply, you can scroll down to another post below and you'll see "insert quote" at the top of a post. That will grab the whole post and put it in quotes, and you can cut out sections you don't want to include. Misunderstandings can make me feel alien and like no one understands and that feeling of being "other" is a very common and painful symptom of trauma survivors.
Quote from: Eireanne on March 27, 2023, 02:13:03 PM
I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone. Even here. I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry? Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it.
I resonate with a whole lot in many of your posts. Often your questions and wonderings are things I've gone through and come up with a sort of answer for myself. But that's
my answer, it might not be yours! In other words, it might not be what's best for you or best in your situation. Anyway, there is a rule-of-thumb on OOTS about not giving advice. Some mbrs get pretty triggered when given advice. I'm one of those. However it is OK to write about what helped you in a similar situation.
I sense a certain desperation in your posts and it's hard for me to separate myself from that. Although possibly I'm just remembering my own desperation way back when and attributing it to you now.
What helped me back then was Pebbles in Pocket plus Book of Daily Joys. Start out the day with pebbles or lima beans or something of that sort in one pocket and transfer them one by one to the other pocket during the course of the day everytime something good or joyful happens (a sunbeam; somebody understood you; somebody smiled at you in passing, somebody included you in their group etc - you'll find what makes you happy) and then go through the pebbles at the end of the day to jog your memory, then write them in your Book of Daily Joys. This method helps to re-connect your mind to what's fun for you, what helps you, what strengthens your resiliency etc. It also helps shift your mind to concentrate on the good things here and now instead of going through past trauma and wondering 'What did I do wrong??' in a sort of loop. It doesn't mean the bad stuff doesn't exist or that you shove it under the rug as possibly was done in the family you grew up in and-that's-why-you're-in-the-situation-you-are-now-in (which is certainly my case) but that for a certain amount of time you're focussed on other stuff.
One thing other mbrs on here often remind me of: be kind and compassionate to yourself! I tend to forget that. I want to heal right away, get frustrated with myself when I can't function the way i want to etc. I'd like to say that to you too. You might ask: "How can I be kind to myself?" It's a journey of discovery into what's kind for you? What feels good to you?
Possibly an easier way of getting into methods like Pebbles in Pocket / Daily Joys would be to look here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0 Threads of similar topics are pinned at the top. Choose one you like rather than one that annoys or triggers you. There are probably also apps you can use, some of which may be listed on the link I've just given you.
Quote from: Eireanne on March 27, 2023, 02:13:03 PM
I keep getting into misunderstandings with everyone. Even here. I said, I don't know how to respond to people - I meant literally, what am I supposed to do, respond in a journal entry? Then I saw there's a message feature, so I have been using that, but unsure if people see their messages. I ask what I think is a simple question and people misinterpret it. I wonder, is it me? Is there a better way of saying things? And I obsessively overthink everything to the point I'm upset about it.
I did get your PM but I simply haven't responded because... my own life got in the way. Nothing personal.
I hope I've explained myself clearly up above, but I don't know. Having difficulty with words/language is part of cptsd for some of us. That's a FACT. It's to do with part of the brain. I'm having particular difficulties atm myself, despite the fact that I'm educated, work with language etc etc
I also really resonate with the struggle to find a T or other medical personnel who really get it!
hey, EA, i also got your PM. thanks for the thanks.
i think you communicate well, by the by. i, too, have problems at times knowing the precise word/words i want to use. i think sometimes my mind is simply overloaded at that moment. at least, that's what i'm telling myself, instead of chastising myself for not knowing. it's part of the 'be gentle' w/ me theory. we've had too many people who have been harsh and hurtful to us, i think it's important to not do that to ourselves as well.
as for journals, i enjoy responding to other peoples' posts in my journal. often, what they've said stirs something in me or helps me look at a situation differently, and i like to acknowledge that. otherwise, i like thanking them for their support. keep doing what works best for you, ok? like my T told me, this is a marathon, not a sprint. sending love and a hug full of clarity to you. :hug:
Hi EA,
I am deeply touched by your situation. In my own life, I've had many times when I've felt similar things. I sometimes think of how trying to explain what CPTSD feels like to people who don't have it must be as difficult as a mother trying to explain to men what childbirth feels like. Or trying to explain what being a plane crash victim feels like to someone who's never flown in a plane. Here, on this forum, we all know what C-PTSD feels like, so my hope is that you can trust that we do understand a lot of what you are saying to us and what we are saying to each other. We're birds of a feather here.
I'm very glad you found this forum. As you struggle with feeling heard, we can definitely hear you.
I struggle with this often. I have a robust and outgoing personality, but when C-PTSD brings me into deep depression or tongue-tied confusion, non-PTSD survivors look at me like I'm crazy. They don't understand how I could be happy and engaged one day, and then confused and dark the next. I say things out of context. I don't make sense. People think I'm nuts. It hurts. It's embarrassing. It forces me back into isolation, which only deepens my situation.
Please keep communicating with us. We get it.
What you're describing in your posts here feels to me like classic C-PTSD. Whenever I feel like I've sounded incoherent on this forum, the other members have come to my rescue and eased my fears about what I'm saying. The compassion and empathy on this forum are comforting to me and I hope that we can comfort you too. Nothing you're saying here sounds crazy. It sounds like painful C-PTSD, which is what brought all of us to this forum.
What helps me to calm down when I feel the anxiety of sounding incoherent is I now just say: That's trauma. It's TRAUMA. It's not insanity, it's trauma. Trauma makes us all feel crazy. It's trauma. Trauma. It's not me. And trauma therapists can help us. Trauma drives the isolation. Trauma drives the depression. Trauma drives the feelings of not being heard. Trauma drives the loneliness. So as we work with the tools of trauma therapy, all the other problems it causes start to fade down to manageble levels. Even though we feel like it's taking too long to feel better, trauma does take time to rise up from.
As far as people telling you to get a dog or to volunteer, I'm sure they're only trying to help, but I learned to stop letting NON-Trauma survivors try to help me. This forum, my therapist, and the books on CPTSD are better sources of information. Non-Trauma survivors may mean well, but they don't understand trauma, so I don't put much faith in their solution ideas. I appreciate them trying to help, but...
Personally, speaking for myself, it has become a lot easier for me to explain my trauma since I started reading the books. The book that helped me the most in recent years was Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving. I took notes and even made index cards that I could use to help myself understand why I was doing some of the trauma things I was doing. By reading his explanations of how CPTSD makes us feel alone and unable to understand or explain ourselves, I started to find ways to explain my situation with non-trauma people.
Understanding the trauma, has helped me to start understanding myself. I'm not my trauma, but trauma has been pulling my strings. As I learn what trauma really is, those strings are losing their grip on me.
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i hear you, EA, and also want to send along validation for your struggles. i am on the spectrum cusp, and i get how difficult it can be to find the words i want in a situation. l also understand when you say your intrusive? is that the right word? thoughts are not adhd related. i suffer from them as well, and have learned they're part of trauma brain. as my T told me, i do have c-ptsd. that is a huge wrench in the works of thinking, articulating, following, understanding - all that cognitive stuff.
please, be patient w/ yourself. you've just begun this journey here, you're getting your thoughts and words down as best you can, and you have the time and space here to do what you can when you can. no rush, no judgment. our brains/minds have been wounded by trauma. you've taken some first steps toward healing yours. i give you a lot of credit for that. sending love and a hug full of clarity. :hug:
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EA, that is one thing many of us have found as we go thru c-ptsd country - most people don't understand, don't know how to listen to us, don't know what to do about or for us, and we are left alone, again. it's frustrating to say the least. just know you're not alone w/ this. my greatest source of friendship is here on this forum - i know people here 'get it', can support me in the ways i need (i do miss real hugs, tho), and validate my thoughts and beliefs.
hang tough, EA - we're hangin' right beside you. love and hugs :grouphug:
I resonate with your posts. I relate especially to loneliness. I hope your social event went as smooth as possible.
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Hi Eerie Anne,
I really feel for you. This is a massively difficult stage to be in. I actually thought of you yesterday. When my trauma gets pulled up front and center I forget things a lot, like I'll just walk away from filling a pot with water and leave the water running until I return to the kitchen and realize oh yeah I was filling a pot with water! Or more dangerously I walk away from cooking something and completely forget I was cooking.
Yesterday this happened and set off all the smoke detectors. They were screaming so loudly that I could not think straight about how to get them to stop. My heart was racing just from the terrifying sound. In order to turn them off I had to stand right under one and hold a button for 15 long seconds and endure the sound up close. Once I managed to calm down enough to figure out i needed to do that. Which took an embarrassingly long time.
It's like right now you have all the fire alarms blaring. It is deafening and massively overwhelming and you can't possibly figure out how to make it stop while the sound is putting you on high alert. But still you need to find a way to turn off the alarms. You won't be able to heal or get the help from friends you need until those darn alarms at least turn the volume down.
How do you do it? It's hard. Really really hard and takes time and commitment. You have to want it to work to have any hope of it working.
Finding anything that makes you feel a little calm is a huge step. I understand where you are right now and almost everything is probably a trigger. Me too. I went through that, about 3 years ago. Build your way up. Try online breathing exercises. If they are too much, do it once then stop. Then go back to it and do it one more time. Then stop. Same thing with maybe some gentle meditation like yoga nidra. Same thing with walking or spending time outside.
We need to train our fire alarms that it's OK. At first everything is a trigger and makes us more anxious or dissociated. Then you do a little at a time until the tiniest bit of something is no longer terrifying. Then do a little more. Do the 54321 grounding exercises and see if they help (look it up online for instructions). Help your brain differentiate the present from the past (or home or friends from work given that present is traumatic too). Tell your brain how you know you are factually safe and how it is different from when you haven't been safe. I know this is triggering at first.
You have to stand there and hold the alarm button to ultimately make it stop blaring. It is uncomfortable. Be brave and take tiny steps, but take them. Then return to your safe space. Then do it again. You can't solve the bigger problems while that alarm is blaring. We have all been in this stage. We know it is not easy. We know it doesn't work for us in the same way or with the same ease as it does for people without complex trauma. But over time it does work.
We need to train ourselves to calm down and the things we need to do to calm down are triggering. Such a catch 22 that's why you need to teach your nervous system those calming things are not dangerous. This isn't your fault. It happens to us all. Breathe they'd tell me. I can't, it is literally a trigger. So I'd do it for half a second. Then a second. Then 2 and so on until breathing in the present was no longer a horrible trigger. So find something that might have the potential to be calming and start practicing.
Given the connection between your abuser and your friends, perhaps those relationships might not feel safe for a long time,
Hugs if they feel safe.
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hi, EA, i agree w/ armee that you seem to be overloaded w/ all this crapola through which you're attempting to navigate. keep spitting it out. it's landing where it belongs.
i don't believe any of us are broken, but wounded. our wounds run deep and their tentacles are far-reaching. you are accepted here, you are welcome to vomit all the poison that you've been holding onto for so long. we're still here. love and :grouphug:
Hello Eerie,
I'm new on this site. I hope you're okay with me posting. I've been reading some of your posts, and I'm not expecting you to respond to me, which is fine of course and I'm sorry if I'm way out of date. I just wanted to share that also I suffer also from thoughts slipping away from me. Even writing this, I am having to keep thinking back to what I wanted to say. I have a theory about my brain being stuck in amygdala highjack most of the time, or for so much of the time that basic cognitive pathways of logical thinking are messed up, get blocked and don't function well. Sometimes through stress, part of the brain just shuts down. I thought I might have ADHD or something (I don't rule this out) but think it's more likely the former. I hope you find more peace and calmness soon. I'm sure it will come. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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your lists are valid and accurate, EA. i'm hear, and i'm listening. love and hugs :hug:
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EA, i've found care and support here like nowhere else, except w/ my D who i live with. just want you to know i care about you and support you as you continue moving forward.
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It really hurts when people are not what we need them to be. When I was grappling with coming to terms with a particularly difficult trauma I have honestly never ever felt so very alone because it felt like it was something I could not talk about with anyone ever except my therapist and that was not nearly enough. It was the most isolated I've ever felt and it felt awful. I'm sorry that something similar is happening with you, with the added difficulty that the lack of support itself is a trauma trigger and not just a bad feeling.
I resonate with the challenge of having social support and also finding social support difficult to trust and difficult to find validation within. I appreciate the work you are doing.
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Quote from: Eireanne on April 12, 2023, 12:06:22 PM
CBT is just telling me I need to change my way of thinking, my way of thinking is wrong I need to accept the things other people want me to think because then I'll be happy and I keep saying NO, I need to be heard..
This has been my experience of CBT too and many other people's experience as well. It is really not suited for complex PTSD at all and furthers the damage.
It has also been my experience that most people do not know how to respond to someone with PTSD and trauma. It is extremely isolating when you have a need to have other people understand you. My husband is learning to understand over the years. There is not a single other person in my life who does get it, besides my therapist.
Luckily there are more trauma informed therapists out there who are starting to truly understand complex trauma and how to treat it. CBT therapists generally think they know how to treat trauma and are blind to the shortcomings and make you feel like it's all your fault you aren't getting better. That isn't true.
This stuff is complex. It is alienating. Keep opening up here as long as it is useful for you because we do get it. We may not get everything all the time in the right way but we understand the nature of the beast we are all dealing with.
as armee said, this is the nature of the beast - the isolation, feeling of not being heard, difficulty explaining ourselves to ourselves and others - trauma causes so much distortion in our brains, as you already know. i give you so much credit for the research you've done, the learning about the beast and the brain. i've found it helps to know sometimes. keep going, EA. love and hugs :hug:
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keep up the good work, EA, eventually something will click for you, i have no doubt.
by the by, those 'inspirational' phrases and pep talks never helped me, either. trauma doesn't work in a straight line. love and hugs :hug:
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EA, i think reframing can be a good thing for many things, but i'm not sure it works for all things. how do you reframe something you haven't experienced? maybe it's the 'non-experience' that could possibly be reframed. for ex., if i wasn't allowed to have boundaries as a child, maybe not having boundaries can be reframed as something to be learned. not having been allowed boundaries gives me a stepping stone to knowing what is and isn't good for me. just a thought.
you are feeling lost and scared right now, and i get it. this stuff can be smothering, overwhelming, and frightening. keep at it, ok? love and hugs :hug:
The same themes do keep coming up with PTSD. We try to master them subconsciously, but honestly that doesn't seem to work that well as we keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. I was doing that at work and didn't see it till I quit my job. I still don't know how to fix it but at least I see it I kept recreating the scene and trying to get things to be different but I was just setting up everything to be the same and retraumatizing myself on repeat. It is a normal trauma thing though. It's what we survivors do until we see the pattern and can disrupt it.
We also feel broken and different. That's protective. It helps us blame ourselves.
Keep working it through with your therapist. Over time there will be tiny cracks that eventually lead to slow seismic shifts and eventually to connection with yourself and others. You are not wrong. Wrong things happened but you as a person are not wrong or defective. But our systems get all haywire from the trauma and it takes a long time and hard skilled work to rewire in a way that helps us instead of continuing the harm.
Hi EerieAnne,
I'm afraid my last reply to you may have come across as lecture-y or something. But I just wanted to see how are you feeling today?
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amen, EA love and hugs :hug:
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Hi Eerie Anne :wave:
I can so relate to your post (s). I'm certain that my response here is nothing new to you. Your post however brings these thoughts to me which is helping me further process what is happening to me or has happened to me. In fact I have often asked myself what am I doing wrong that the same situations keep happening all the time for what seems like an eternity? Am I doing the same things over and over again expecting different results? I definitely would prefer different results. As I wrote this my thought is, well yes the same things are happening over and over again because my response remains the same as well. I have CPTSD (+ more) and I have not YET been able to change my response/reaction, especially when I am triggered. My body, my mind, my whole being is lost in this quagmire called CPTSD, so yes I respond the same until I learn the "lesson" or my wiring is fixed. For myself I don't have much hope in being fixed. For others I have hope though!
Thank you for your post - not sure if my post makes any sense at all but this is my attempt at sharing the burdens and to say I hear you, I stand with you and for you.
:hug: to you if your okay with it, if not please disregard.
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@Moondance - thank you so much, your post made perfect sense...I appreciate you *hug*
@Armee thank you for the etiquette tip about messages - I can try to respond to people here...It's still a bit of an adjustment for me navigating this forum, thank you!
I will go back and add more acknowledgement once I get through a backlog of stuff that's been trying to get out lately :)
Hi EA, that's only my own personal thing, I don't think it's universal across the forum. I just personally don't do the PMs because of a past experience, and trauma. :hug:
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Thank you Eireanne,
Your sharing brings up the following thoughts and feelings for me. It may not be helpful to you as far as an answer to your question but hopefully there is a sense of caring can be shared in this exchange.
Yes, well I have been saying it's my choice to isolate but I choose it because its too painful now to do much of anything else. I'm too tired to keep trying after all the years of efforts the abuse, the manipulations, the betrayals, the lies, etc, etc, and like you posted I think I am now very awkward in relationship. And even though I think of myself as a compassionate person I agree that I have felt very selfish and not part of and able to give much of anything to anyone because I feel completely depleted. Is it because I need to heal some first before making an effort again? And thinking that through, I still choose to isolate from the world as much as possible. I am finding this forum helpful, though, by first relating so strongly that I must respond. So, in a sense, forced to respond, so this is a good thing. And 2nd, I am feeling supported by like minds. This forum feels way more safe to me than unsafe; there are unspoken boundaries that are respected, and I really appreciate that because I have a hard time picking up cues that I need to set boundaries and once I figure it out that I need to set a boundary I find it difficult. Even saying that makes me feel very vulnerable.
I do understand and acknowledge you want more and I wish that for you so much. I hope you keep at it, keep on searching for your answers.
:hug: to you if accepted if not please disregard
Thank you again for sharing.
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I wish there was something i could do to ease the pain. It is painful to not have your needs met by your parents. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. And it isn't fair to be expected to reparent our attachment wounds and the other damage done to our development when we were never given the tools. It really sucks. It's possible, it's slow. The only person I've found to have the capacity to do this with me is a good therapist.
You do have a lot of strengths but you are right without the nurturing or healing we get to our breaking points.
Sending support.
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I don't believe you are beyond help, EA. But you do need a therapist who will do more than CBT. That alone does not fix trauma and can make it feel worse. I'd probably try looking for someone who works with attachment trauma or developmental trauma and who uses several different types of therapy tools, not just cbt or just dbt or just emdr. Etc.
Your needs are important Eireanne.
I hear you and can so relate.
Safe virtual :hug: for you.
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i don't think you're beyond help either, EA. It can be trying and daunting to find a therapist who will listen and respect your own knowledge and experience, but it's not necessarily impossible. it took me a while, but i've finally found one, and it makes a world of difference. but, as a therapist, it's my job to tune into a client, ask the right questions, help the client figure out the answers. your job is to do the best you can. keep taking care. love and hugs :hug:
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That's a really traumatizing and retraumatizing situation, EAnne.
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:yeahthat: you sound overwhelmed. maybe some of these pieces could be broken down and processed more slowly? just a thought. love and hugs :hug:
Thinking of you Erieanne :hug:
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hey, EA, one of the things my T does w/ me (do you have a trauma-informed T to help you with all this?) to help me contain some of the bigger pieces so i can focus more easily on one thing at a time is she sets up imaginary crates, one for each person who is part of my trauma history, and puts the ones i'm not processing in their own respective crates, locks them, and holds those keys for me. it's helped me not be overwhelmed by so many people and thoughts banging at my brain at the same time.
if you need them, i have extra (virtual) crates where you can put some of what you're dealing w/. you can label them in your mind, (such as not being heard, frustrations at work, being autistically challenged, etc. - whatever feels right for you) send them into their respective crates, lock them up, keep the key, and know they'll be there when you're ready to deal w/ them.
you have so much knowledge of how your system works, what you need, what you're not getting . . . perhaps problem-solving for one or two things at a time, realizing what's most important for you at this point in your life, and looking for ways to resolve it might help. just a thought. best to you with this, EA. love and hugs :hug:
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:wave:
I can't seem to solve any of my problems either. I am doing what I can at the moment and that is, therapy with a trauma informed therapist and I am on this forum for a month now or thereabouts.
I am very isolated, not working, no contact with anyone but T that understands about trauma, occasionally speak with insurance company reps but that send me into crisis and I am working through Peter Walkers book on CPTSD.
I am having to accept, for the moment that I am where I am but even more important to know that CPTSD is complex and it will take a long while for me to heal. One small step at a time. It is very frustrating, I agree but if I don't accept it, I will get worse. I really don't want it to get worse and I'm almost certain you don't as well.
I don't know if this helps you at all Eireanne.
I do hope you eead this as intended - caring and supportive.
:hug: to you Eireanne if acceptable, if not please disregard
I'm sorry, EA. It's a really overwhelming stage to be in. I agree with Moondance acceptance of our symptoms is the first step. I have lots of empathy because I've been where you are, and it's a lot. It does get better. It is not hopeless. I do have some speciifc advice but we are generally encouraged to provide support not advice here. If you want a solid step to consider I will share it. Either way we are here with you and get it. :hug:
EA, i'm sorry i couldn't answer your question w/ anything helpful. perhaps, like many of us, just keep doing what you think you can do, like writing until everything comes out. we're here for you, you're not going thru this alone, c-ptsd is a beast in my mind, one with many tentacles. if it's any consolation at all, we are hearing you. we get what it's like to have so many thoughts and triggers running thru our minds at the same time, and, yes, often one will bring up another and another, ad nauseum. hang tough, ok? i've seen a change already. small steps count. love and hugs :hug:
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It does feel like that, for a long time. That there's only steps to alleviate symptoms without healing the trauma. But in my experience and I offer this gently: alleviating the symptoms is the first step. Stabilization. Then trauma processing. Then growth. The reason is because I couldn't and most people with trauma cannot actually process trauma and grow until there is a stabilization of symptoms.
I had to learn to stay calm and grounded in the face of the trauma, before I could face it. That is why practicing grounding and self care is so important. And even though that alone doesn't heal the trauma it can start to help you feel a little better. Better enough to take a deep breath and to start to process and heal. It takes a long time, a lot of practice, and a very strong will to feel better.
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We are hearing you. It is not fair and no you absolutely shouldn't have to teach your therapist all this.
I am sorry Eieranne you are so alone and hurting so much.
You may be physically alone, but you are not alone in it - we all are here supporting each other as best we can given the fact that each of us are all on this journey of healing from traumas.
Eieranne, I'm pretty new here and forgot the guidelines about giving advice. I sincerely mean to be supportive on this forum.
I'm sorry Eireanne that you have to teach your therapist. I agree, it's her job. That stuff is soooo exhausting. I had to do that in the past too. Even if the therapist does learn from you, it's still exhausting.
I have had a similar experience to Armee. Most important is stabilisation. In fact, in my country that's the mantra for healing from cptsd: stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look at something, process a little, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look a bit further or look at something else, process, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation,... and then integration starts happening and maybe growth in a form that you can see for yourself. Looking back, I would say there is growth beforehand too.
Atm a lot of mbrs on here are writing Journals and writing out what happened to them. Everybody needs to know for themselves whether that's a good thing. From what I have been told in inpatient trauma therapy, you can retraumatise yourself writing that stuff out when you're not ready or you can just frustrate yourself because it doesn't seem to work. And reading other people's accounts can retraumatise too. When I was first told by trauma-informed therapists maybe 6-7 years into my real intensive healing journey, that I needed to get really stabilised before I mentioned anything more out of my past, I was shocked and disgusted, but I followed their stipulations - it was a healing retreat and I didn't have much choice in the matter - and it worked. I can't remember how long I was stabilising before processing, but it was long - a few years probably. I wasn't in continuous therapy though, I just had these healing retreats.
Anyway a lot of mbrs are writing Journals atm but that hasn't always been the case on here. I would gently suggest trying out https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0 The stuff pinned at the top is there because it is so important. Not all threads are possible or even useful for everybody. So if "grateful" makes you see red, maybe try Three Good Things a Day. Even reading other people's posts on it still helps me. And I still write on it. It's not in order to deny all the bad stuff that happened or is still happening.
Another thing that might help is reading up on brain research and how it pertains to traumatisation - amygdala, pre-frontal cortex etc because it can help us understand why healing is so long-drawn out and why it doesn't really take place on a cognitive level, which you probably know. I still re-read that stuff because I need to remind myself all the time. Unfortunately my brain is too numb to point you in a useful direction on the forum atm, where to find useful reading matter I mean.
I'm sorry if I wrote you something you already know or that you've written about in your Journal ad nauseam. I haven't read all of it, so may have missed.
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I'm sorry I got that wrong, EA. :hug:
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@armee - you didn't get it wrong. You are reading the incoherent thoughts that aren't coming out the way I intend and doing your best with what you are reading. That's not on you to get it "right". I'm not, in any of these posts, saying what it is I'm meaning to say. I'm just "venting" in a way, and not really saying ANYTHING. Not even sharing what actually happened, which I think would help, because I'm just purging.
It's not fair of "me" to sound like I'm dismissing your suggestions by saying, "that's not what I need" when I'm not even expressing to you what my needs are, and you are trying to piece them together by my entries alone. You are awesome and I appreciate you holding space for me.
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Navigating relationships to support healing is really difficult.
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Quote from: Eireanne on May 02, 2023, 05:09:48 PM
@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me
Please don't feel bad! :no: :no: The most important thing on this forum is recovery and looking after yourself. When you manage that self-care by not reading other people's journals when it's too much (or too 'something else') for you then :applause: :applause:
It's good you've found somebody whose videos or conferences or whatever help - Gabor Maté.
Where you are rn is really really tough and I'm sorry it's so hard. I feel helpless reading the posts of yours I have read. I wouldn't have been able to go back to work in the situation you are in. In fact, I still have disability. I'm very lucky to be in a country where it might be easier to get that than in some countries. idk. I wish I could say 'slow down' to you :hug: But of course there are then 10,000 questions on "how do I survive?", "how do I earn money?", "Where do I get the money to pay for further therapy?" e.g. if insurance won't pay trauma-informed T. I get it. But I don't have an answer other than what I've given or sometimes what other people have suggested.
You wrote your M came in the room. So that means you have the added difficulty of FOO (family-of-origin) around. If they don't understand, that tends to
not help. This is not a criticism of you because there are many reasons why you might still be living with FOO.
To that Easter Egg hunt or similar, I would add "No" in front of the "Thank you." But please know and be assured that
none of this is easy. Just because I can do that now doesn't mean you ought to be able to do it now or that I could before (I couldn't and in some situations still can't). Anyway you questioning the wisdom of that person suggesting you say "thank you" means some part of you knows that's not the answer for you. So it sounds to me as if everything is way, way, way too much atm but part of you does know some of the way out of this. That's good. You have an inner wisdom.
To articles or people who say "Feel lucky!", "Feel glad that...." :pissed: :pissed: They don't know. They're not dealing with cptsd. Or if you got that idea on here like from me, then I expressed myself badly. Same thing if somebody contradicts you on a statement like you're self-isolated - but "
Wait a minute! You said you talked to a friend yesterday, so you're confused." I've been contradicted like that including by therapists and my reaction was :blowup: for years. Now not so much, but that's been because of slow bit by bit healing and a whole lot of therapy.
I used to have conversations with other people in my head too. You're not alone with that, if that helps you to know. I also talk to the birds and the squirrels I see around since I no longer have furbabies to talk to.
I hear you're lonely and you're desperate for touch. Maybe you can feel just a bit from :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
We are here and we care.
P.S. My posts always take a while so I wrote it while you were writing your latest. Sorry mine might well not be up-to-date.
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Good luck. I hope the lecture talk went OK. I'm really sorry what happened at work. That sounds clearly like sexual harassment or even assault and you should not have been terminated for reporting that. I apologize if I got some of those details incorrect. But it sounds like an extremely upsetting situation and one that would make anyone feel unsafe.
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:bighug: to you Erieanne if okay
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I'm sorry you've been in such abusive and triggering situations, EA. Do the domestic violence hotlines have any helpful suggestions or resources to help you get out of the living situation and find a less abusive job that will allow you to get your feet under you?
:grouphug:
I'm sorry, it's a lot to be going through.
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I'm really relieved to hear you are out of that dangerous living situation, EA.
Thanks for clarifying. Sometimes I find when I am writing, my inner child also comes out too. Usually when that happens I am triggering myself and need to take a step away from writing or processsing for awhile to focus on core needs like eating, drinking water, sleeping, laughing, and getting a walk. Sometimes unfortunately we can trigger ourselves and it's important to be gentle with ourselves.
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hey, EA, i have not read walker's book, but i know many people here have and have found it very helpful.
the idea that we're told our suffering is our own fault is abusive in itself, to my mind. same w/ 'too sensitive'. i once heard of someone replying to that 'i'm as sensitive as i need to be for me'. i liked that because i'm also very sensitive and often wish i weren't but there it is. in that way i am who i am. you are who you are as well. trauma is a beast whose jaws and teeth get under our skin, constantly gnawing at us. (until it gets resolved, which is often small piece by small piece). of course we're sensitive. who wouldn't be when they're constantly distressed by being gnawed at! love and hugs :hug:
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EA, i hope you can find some confidence in knowing that you continue to take the risk by returning to such an environment in order to survive and that you have survived it in the past. i also hope someday you will find a different place that will provide you with what you need, one that is not toxic. we do what we can to maintain our integrity, no matter what the risk. it's been my life, and the lives of many others here. and we are still here. sending love and a hug filled w/ support. :hug:
Thank you sanmagic :hug:
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I'm Nice
You really don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and will do a lot to avoid doing so. You may find you inconvenience yourself greatly or neglect your basic needs (food, rest, exercise) to avoid disappointing someone. You try to avoid conflict at all times.
Your core belief is likely to be that your needs do not count, or your needs are not as important as other people's.
Being nice is wonderful. However when it is a core defining statement with an underlying belief that your needs don't matter, there are significant downsides. You may frequently feel resentful. You may end in relationships where your consideration for the other person is not returned.
Working on the core belief that your needs do matter, that YOU matter, is really the way your boundaries will improve.
hey, EA,
personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term. merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another. it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them. in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.
i agree w/ you, tho, that some psychological platitudes don't jive w/ our experiences and situations of living. they're not extensive enough in that they brush off our ability to do things like 'make friends', 'go to a social gathering', etc. we all aren't able to do those things because of triggers, anxiety, and other c-ptsd symptoms. life isn't as easy for us at times as those simplistic suggestions.
i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps. :hug:
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Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 19, 2023, 02:41:50 PM
hey, EA,
personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term. merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another. it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them. in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.
i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps. :hug:
Thank you so much - hugs, support, love is ALWAYS helpful. I agree with you, I don't feel I am co-dependent at all, but every time I watch a video or listen to an "expert" about C-PTSD, they all say that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are enabling the relationship by being co-dependent and I just don't see how...so they go on to say it's subconscious - so I always feel like a) people don't see ME and are just making assumptions and b) I am being "difficult" by not understanding that even though it isn't my fault, it sorta is. My knee jerk reaction with EVERYTHING is to just assume it is somehow my fault and I need to unlearn that. But all the "experts" harping on the "codependent nature" of the victim is hard.
I appreciate you letting me know I'm not alone in rejecting these thoughts that I am codependent.
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EA, i relate to not having a sense of self due to it being ignored or not allowed when i was growing up. i also relate to fawning, and i think it's been discussed here a lot under the banner of people pleasing. i have been one all my life, was trained to be that way and did it very well. unfortunately, as you mentioned, i had to look at others to find some kind of form for myself. looking back, well, it's quite depressing. love and hugs :hug:
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I appreciate you sharing about your learning from Pete Walker's book. It was a helpful tool for me.
rainydiary :hug:
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i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA. sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true. love and hugs :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 24, 2023, 10:41:51 PM
i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA. sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true. love and hugs :hug:
Agreed. :hug:
:wave: Eireanne,
Hyper vigilance, shallow and incomplete breathing, constant adrenalization, armoring (meaning chronic muscle tightness) wear and tear from rushing and armoring, inability to be fully present relaxed and grounded in our bodies, sleep problems from being over activated, digestive disorders from a tightened
digestive tract, physiological damage from excessive self-medication with alcohol food or drugs.
Moreover, in cases of physical and sexual abuse our capacities to be physically comforted by touch are eliminated or compromised and in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye and voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.
Thank you for sharing these excerpts from Peter Walker's book. I hadn't read this yet and gee it so resonates with me.
There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems. For example armoring. I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name.
Thank you Eireanne
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Quote from: Moondance on May 25, 2023, 05:15:10 AM
:wave: Moondance
There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems. For example armoring. I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name.
I didn't know either and part of the reason why I post things I come across...this is all brand new for me to have names for things I am experiencing.
If you (or anyone) is interested, I found the book on YouTube. https://youtu.be/E2yIjz5lqDY I hope it's not in violation to share that here. Still learning the rules :)
10 Pet Peeves That Reflect Childhood Trauma Wounds
1. Being cut off in traffic or line can trigger the wound of being pushed aside like you do not matter or are not seen/valued.
2. Being interrupted can trigger the wound of being talked over by caregivers and treated like our words do not matter.
3. Eating a meal with someone on their phone can trigger the wound of being ignored.
4. Waiting can trigger the wound of not knowing if needs will be met.
5. Being put on the spot can trigger the wound of being in trouble.
6. One-uppers can trigger the wound of being dismissed.
7. People who constantly talk about their diet can trigger the wound of body shame.
8. Being lied to can trigger the wound of being unable to trust.
9. Passive-aggressive behavior can trigger a wound of behavior experienced in childhood.
10. Being teased can trigger the wound of having boundaries violated.
I love Pete Walker's books. I have 2 that have been very helpful - CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling.
I couldn't agree more about allowing ourselves to grieve to express the pain of what happened to us. I've been in a grieving process for about 3.5 years, and I have less pain that I'm carrying around inside me than I used to. I also find I don't get as easily triggered, although I do still get triggered. One of my big triggers is people who try to one up me, and talk to me in a contemptuous or disdainful way. I'm getting better about standing up to this.
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Thank you for the hug Armee
Hello natureluvr, the person narrating the book mentioned that other book, so I'm going to look for it after I finish this one...Sadly, I can't listen to it for long periods of time.
here's a hug, EA :bighug:, warm and embracing, reaching your inner child who has been so needful of warmth and caring, and rightfully so. i sincerely hope you don't lose your job - this crapola just isn't fair. sending love, a cuddly, a warm blanket to snuggle under, and a hug full of peace. :hug:
Thank you so much for the hug sanmagic :hug:
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@armee, thank you for the hug as well...I missed it in refreshing the entry I was posting, but it is much appreciated. I still struggle to acknowledge all the wonderful support I receive from this community. It is not intentional.
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sounds like a terrible situation to be in, EA. sorry you're having to go thru all this. and i get the part where it's difficult to answer a question quickly - i need time to process what was said, asked of me, and what my response is. all very messy. love and hugs :hug:
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Quote from: Eireanne on June 10, 2023, 09:06:48 PMI usually keep a draft going as I listen to the Pete Walker book, and take notes of the things that resonate with me. Some of the other members mentioned this was helpful to them, but this morning, as I hit enter, I got an error message...followed by another....followed by me being logged out and not able to get back in. I was afraid I had done something wrong, posted something bad, broken some rule and not warned...I don't even remember what the content of the post was about, it was the end of chapter 4, and now that I'm on chapter 5, it just doesn't even seem relevant, but I'm not doing well.
A friend called today and I did the same thing I do all the time, complain about everything going wrong and how I can't see a way out of it. I don't have friends, I hate what my life has become. A new friend who doesn't have a car asked me to take her grocery shopping this morning, and went out the night before. She asked if I had done anything, and I said no. I didn't say, of course I didn't do anything, I have no one to do anything WITH. It's so frustrating for me. I don't remember how to just talk to people without feeling...this way. That I've been isolated for way too long, and I have absolutely nothing relatable to share with anyone.
This makes the friends I do have give up on me, and makes me sink lower and lower. I can't even put it into words and keep thinking if I just did, then I wouldn't feel it anymore, but I do. I vent and vent and vent and it's never what I really need to say. I wish I could explain it.
I understand everyone I know has a life, they have friends, and family and social activities. I don't. I have things I want to do, but unless I do them alone, I have to miss out on them. I've been here before. I've missed out on so many things, just because I haven't had anyone to go with. Everyone thinks, oh, I must be co-dependent, I need someone, that's NOT IT. I do not receive enjoyment at doing things alone and being surrounded by couples, and families and groups of people all laughing and having a good time and I just feel like I'm apart from that. I feel like a ghost. No one touches me, I don't touch anyone, no one even notices me...I have felt this way nearly my entire life. I'm soooo tired of things being this way and I don't know what to change about myself to fix it.
I hate that the rest of my life is just going to be more of this.
I talked to a co-worker and he's brilliant at the way he words things and could easily get himself out of this situation, he has so many friends and people that love him and connections...everyone I know does, and yet no one has time to include me in their life.
I had him read something my manager said that was especially triggering and he said he just didn't see it. He read it, the way she said it, without all the feelings that I have...and then it makes me doubt whether my feelings are real, but when I talk to my therapist, she sees the same exact thing I do....so I just feel lost. I don't know how to navigate this, or navigate conversations, or interactions, or anything...and then I worry that I will lose this forum too.
I also don't have any tools to get me out of this feeling/mindstate, because this is just my world. No friends, no ability to get out of my own head, no one to support me.
The worst part of all of this, there's a co-worker who also has c-ptsd, but she's got support from colleagues and she's doing a huge presentation about her lived experience and it's being celebrated, yet I'm being punished and about to get fired, because my c-ptsd is caused by work. I just don't get it, what it is about me that makes everyone dislike me?
Hi Erieanne,
I simply want to say I hear what you are saying and I so get it. Just my 2 cents but you are saying it, you are getting it out just as it is, you explain what you are experiencing and I understand you and can so relate.
I've underlined the same exact thoughts and feelings you have courageously shared that I think and feel. We might know, think, feel we are alone (and are physically alone). This forum however speaks loudly that we are not alone with these thoughts, feelings and beliefs about ourselves.
If okay I send you a warm and understanding hug.
I agree with Moondance. Your post was very clear and also really just articulates so well what it is like to have cptsd. To feel separate from people. Almost alien. Yes. This is what it feels like. And people like your friend at work. Or my H is the same way...didn't grow up like this. Grew up with a normal supportive loving family and no big trauma. He doesn't understand me...or didnt...he finally does but we've been friends for 30 years. It took 28 years for him to understand why the world seems the way it does to me, how I can have so much self-doubt and all the other CPTSD symptoms.
Just...keep going. You will get through this horrible thicket of symptoms. It's slow and painful, lined with thorns. But there will come a time that you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come. And even though it is a painful process, it'll feel worth it. There is a path out. You're on it. Keep going.
I've been on this forum several years now and I still worried too that I had gotten the boot when I couldn't log in, even though I've been through forum updates before where I've gotten locked out along with everyone else. That's just the stupid cptsd talking.
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EA, i think that's a lovely email to yourself. it felt good just reading it. i like it a lot - a great way to start the day. thanks for posting it. love and hugs :hug:
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Thank you for the hug Armee :hug:
I've felt this way for so long...and isn't how I'm feeling right at this moment, but I did want to put this here anyway...
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
'Cause I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow-dying flower
I'm a frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour
And untouchable
Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
I'm a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel-sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Oh, I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
You kiss me now
You catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I need this
Not sure if the lyrics are 100% right, I just copy/pasted them without checking, but this is the song that I've always related to most...there's a few others...I've always felt like the Little Match Girl, looking in but never really being a part of anything, never really belonging. I need a village...I need to grieve...I need to be held...and I don't know how to do that alone.
EA, the little match girl has been with me since i've been very young. when i first heard that story, i cried and cried, maybe as hard as i've ever cried - i was about 5, i think - and i know now my tears were for me because that's also how i felt - alone in the cold w/ no one to help, care, or comfort.
it still hits me today. i'm so glad you're beginning to feel some support from this forum. they're the best people i've never met, and have supported and cared about me like rarely anyone in real life. glad you're here. love and hugs :hug:
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:hug: @sanmagic
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That's a lot of neglect, EA. I'm sorry you didn't have anyone. Don't have anyone. I'll be rooting for you in the interview.
allowing yourself to grieve is a sign of strength, to my mind, EA. i do believe it'll help you get to a more linear place. i'm sorry for all the neglect. i wish you hadn't had to go thru it. it's horrible. best to you w/ the interview. love and hugs :hug:
My hopes and thoughts are with you as well for your interview on Monday.
Caring :hug: to you EA
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Moondance, Armee and sanmagic - thank you so much for being my cheerleaders...I am hopeful about the interview, but not prepared, and honestly I'm looking at it as practice more than anything...I feel I am totally capable of doing the job, but not quite sure it's what I actually want to be doing...I'm keeping an open mind. I think my time is better spent focusing on my trauma and grief right now...
The work situation - the HR investigator still wants to follow up with me and get a statement and she is required to follow the investigation to completion regardless of the fact I've already been eliminated. I found a number of other people from the disabilities group I founded also got their positions eliminated. I know some of them are successfully suing the company - not successful in the fact they are winning, just that I was unsuccessful in finding an attorney to take my case - it's too complicated, they said. The issue is, I can't hold space for bringing up the events that caused relational trauma to the point I could no longer function AND look for a job at the same time. Both things are true and there's not enough me to hold them both concurrently. My brain simply cannot handle working on my resume right now, no matter how many times I try...it's easier to give in and let the grief that's been flooding my system like poison out...maybe if I do it enough I can find closure and truly heal. Thank you for suggesting it's strength sanmagic.
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:bighug: there's grieving space in this hug, EA. no strings attached. love and hugs :hug:
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Eerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection. Me too and that is something that I am really working on. I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.
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Quote from: rainydiary on July 07, 2023, 01:39:19 AMEerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection. Me too and that is something that I am really working on. I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.
rainydiary, I appreciate you so much. I am slowly working through some feelings I didn't have time to process when things were happening, and I still feel rather self-involved and focused on my own healing...but hopefully soon I can branch out and return the favor of holding space in your own journal. For now, please know how grateful I am that you visit my journal and leave your reflections and much needed compassion. :hug:
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I definitely relate to so much of what you are writing...memory issues, feeling shame about not remembering people so isolating, feeling the need to get it all out, etc.
It's a lot of stuff we have dealt with for so long and it all piled up and we want to deal with it all right now. Unfortunately our brains (and even the brains of our therapists) can only deal with one piece at a time.
I dont know what will work for you in your work in therapy. For me, I had to start with a small insignificant easy little chunk and put everything else on the back burner and slowly work through the low hanging fruit first. Trust me it was extremely frustrating to be talking about managing task related things like overwhelm during chores while there were these big bad traumas waiting for attention. It felt so wrong.
For me it turned out to be the right approach because I built skills and tolerance for easier things first and little successes boosted my confidence and my trust in my therapist. And ultimately everything does link back to trauma anyway, so I was always working on trauma even when it felt like I wasn't.
I hope this doesn't come across as preachy or anything, I'm just intending to share what the early days of dealing with the traumas was like for me. And that I am happy with how it worked out in the end and feel good about the process we used. I wasn't ready for the hard stuff for several years. My window of tolerance was just a slit, and really insufficient for processing trauma. But this slow work built it up wide enough that now I can deal with the hardest stuff.
I was really happy to read that you came to some new insights during your last therapy session. Those little successes help me to keep going so I hope it also gives you a boost.
With regard to reading and responding to others' journals we all felt the same way coming in new to the forum so what you are feeling and wondering is very very normal. You are certainly welcome to go back to the very beginning of people's journals if you really want to, but that's a lot of work and time. I think it's OK to not respond to others journals or to just respond based on the latest entry and what they are dealing with right now, without knowing that person's backstory.
All to say, it's up to you. There is no pressure here to do anything aside from taking care of you and being respectful and kind to others, knowing we are all in the same boat managing triggers, overwhelm, and lifelong trauma.
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Armee, thank you so much, I will give you a more thought out response when I am not in the middle of processing other stuff, but your words mean a lot to me and are appreciated.
I decided to switch gears and focus on me, and the things I have wanted to get done. Part of that is listening to videos, presentations and the like and try to better understand, but not just to passively listen, but to take notes. And as we (my parts) all listen to these things, we have thoughts, and mostly recognize that we try to fit our lived experience into the scenarios suggested, but they don't quite fit, and that leads us to doubt our experiences...so I want to disregard what I'm hearing instead of listening and then reframing it so it DOES benefit me. Which means I wasted an hour that I was passively listening and not taking notes, because I already take too many notes and then copy/paste notes from one place to another, and then transcribe them to different journals and I feel like I'm just making busy work for myself instead of focusing on what's important? So I'm on the fence. But I'll give it another try...
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Armee
There's a sort of quiet comfort in knowing my thoughts are relatable to others. I appreciate you sharing what worked for you, there's comfort in that too - discovering what works. I'm glad you've experienced little successes as well :)
Appreciate you giving me some suggestions for reading other's journals...it just feels so daunting, especially when I'm unsure how someone else will interpret my words...but I'll give it a try soon :)
Thank you :bighug:
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i hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA. one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly. i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day. love and hugs :hug:
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Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 09, 2023, 05:19:35 AMi hope it's helping you to get this all out here, EA. one of the things that bothered me the most was your tapestry being hung incorrectly. i felt myself squinch up thinking of you having to look at it alike that every day. love and hugs :hug:
LOL it is, thank you. I can't move forward in my job search from a place of fear, so to get out all the things I've been afraid to say, and all the other emotions going on is really helpful. Appreciate you understanding how frustrating my limitations are in not being able to fix the tapestry myself, LOL. Fortunately, it's behind me, so I rarely if ever look at it, other than when I initially walk into the room. Still...to have it hung correctly would be really nice...eventually I'll make a friend who is taller than me and can come over and help :)
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EA, i looked up the CC, and it reminds me of when i go see a doc. ugh! i hate that you've experienced it, too. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you sanmagic :hug: I tried reading other people's journals...but I'm...as one of my friends put so aptly today, I'm running triage right now, and my brain can only handle so much.
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I processed a bunch of trauma but didn't write any of it down. I wonder how much of it I'll remember tomorrow.
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I hope your meeting with HR went as smooth as it could.
@Rainy Diary - thank you. It really did go well. The only thing that severely triggered me was when she asked how the conversation went when I was eliminated. As I brought up the memory and started to tell her, I started at the triggered spot and slipped into full on being right back there as it was happening, word vomiting all the stuff that came up, and then was able to stop and say, "so yeah, that's how that conversation went".
We immediately switched gears to me telling her all the value add I did for the company, how well I had been exceeding expectations and doing amazing things and how all I desperately wanted was for my managers to have the same perception of my accomplishments as I had. How I just wanted to feel I belonged.
She confided to me "person to person" that she's experienced something similar and has also had trouble recollecting things, wondering if she said/did something wrong and was made to feel like things were her fault. She said, "one day, L will just be a story you tell and doesn't define you".
The funniest (not funny) part of the conversation was when I was re-telling her the part of the story where I was written up. She asked what happened, and I said, in that moment, I couldn't process anything, all I could think was "my position is going to be eliminated"
She asked, "what was the result of that conversation?" I replied, "My position was eliminated."
I'm glad your conversation was met with support and understanding.
I've got about 150 posts left in my old journal, and it's interesting for me to read the entries now with current understanding. Especially the aspect where I let my parts say what they really feel about things, it helps me to understand that it's the filter I view everything through, which changes the perspective and meaning of the words I'm reading. I find running things through my filters several times helps me uncover what is going on, and helps me see it clearer.
For example, the message I kept getting over and over is if I focus on the negative, I will only get more negative, so don't let your mind go there!! Um, but letting my mind actually go there and digging up all the things I learned and the stories I've been telling myself helped me to realize what was actually going on.
"when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention."
Guess what Universe, my attention is focused on my healing now, and it ISN'T from letting go of my thoughts and watching them float by like little leaves with assigning no meaning to them.
"Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!"
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Hi EA, I found you first paragraph inspiring. I don't think that message is prominent enough among people.
Especially survivors, we're put in a box and have expectations, usually unrealistic expectations put on us that can hinder our growth into being who we want to become.
I have never liked the "v" word and I won't to be referred as one.
As I've aged, I started letting go of people who wanted a lot from me. When I got sick they still had the same expectations. Instead of support and understanding, they still wanted the energy put to them.
It did take awhile, finally the lack of just respecting my wishes about things pushed me to just walk away.
:cheer: on speaking out about topics that aren't considered an issue.
@Rainy Diary - me too...I am very grateful the woman has empathy and compassion. I wasn't expecting that.
@Denali - thank you so much. I huge part of my lived experience was not having a voice, so learning to speak out is new to me.
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I get that Eireanne - we were kind, selfless and generous because we know and feel it's so important and lacking.
I recall a few people in my life saying, "she tries so hard". But how I really felt was good because I was doing good from my heart. To me I wasn't trying that hard, it was just who I was back then.
Maybe I was trying to hard because now I have no energy for much of anything.
@Moondance - so relatable. These days I feel like I don't have the energy for anything. Especially things that lead to feelings of rejection.
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very sorry that woman didn't show up or bother to let you know she wouldn't be there. was she at the book club at all? i think one more month is fair. best to you - i give you credit for reaching out for a social gathering. that takes guts. love and hugs, EA :hug:
@San - oh yeah, she was there, and the only thing she made mention of to me was noticing my car was back from repairs and asked some sort of "how was I doing?" to which I replied, I'd be doing better if the universe would just give me a break for a bit, lol - she was mostly engrossed in conversation with the woman sitting next to her and didn't pay me any mind at all, none of them did. They are all a chatty group that has been together for a while. There was no sense of welcoming or inclusion just, oh, you're here too.
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It's such a great feeling to sort of wake up and start enjoying things again. It's hard because it feels so out of our control sometimes, to me at least.
The whole thing about attracting abusers is such a difficult concept to grapple with. It took me a lot of time to develop that ability...I think confidence I guess...to recognize it in other people and then to trust myself enough to put the guard up and keep them out. Because I think that's what differentiates us from people who don't get sucked into these cycles with abusers...is we kind of get that gut feeling but have been trained to not listen to it and to try to be there for the other person and put their needs first. But people without cptsd and trauma just listen to their gut and think "whatever I'm not going to out up with that *" and don't invite that person into their life, no doubt, no questioning. Just NO.
So I have no doubt that as you recover from the last cycle of abuse you'll get that spidey sense about people that is telling you "no" and you'll catch it and listen to it. Just like you are with the uninclusive book club.
@Armee I hope you're right :hug:
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:wave: Eireanne
That makes so much sense to me. I believe the doubt we have of ourselves, decisions, etc fits in as well.
Thank you for this info Eireanne.
I appreciate the reflection that blaming ourself is a part of a trauma response. I hadn't thought of it like that before.
@ Armee - I woke up today feeling full of enjoyment and thought of you :hug:
@ Moondance - I keep having these moments where I think, why didn't someone just explain this to me? and @ rainydiary - exactly. I hadn't thought of it like that before either. I'm just like...this makes sense. Why wasn't it explained LIKE THIS?
Then I just sort of want to sit with it for a while and take it in and reframe my understanding and how everything fits differently.
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Hi Eireanne
I posted a response earlier to your post regarding core wounds - but it didn't post.
So short version ;D is,
Eireanne I wish that all of your hearts desires come to be for you. That your heart and your whole being be filled with all that you want and need for yourself.
You so deserve it.
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@ Moondance - ugh, don't you hate it when our posts don't post??? Thank you so much for your kind words :hug:
You have written a lot of really helpful stuff. Thank you. I particularly relate to your post about core wounds right now because I keep working through this with my therapist. I struggle a lot with my logical brain thinking one thing and my emotional brain feeling something quite different. It truly is astonishing how core wounds can just keep on hurting no matter how often you tell yourself you are an adult and you can take care of little you.
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yeah, core wounds, like my lack of emotions. it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways that had been unformed. wounds for sure. thanks, and keep hangin' tough, ok EA? love and hugs :hug:
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and haven't been journaling a lot, but I have all these thoughts and I've been processing them in various ways.
@NarcKiddo - I'm grateful you (and others) are finding it useful...I always wanted that, like if someone else reads something, I always want to know, "what bits stuck out for you and why?" Here's what I learned...Let's discuss, and I...I've had this story my whole life that everyone else already knows and they are all just waiting for me to figure it out...so if I do figure something out, why wouldn't I share it with everyone?
Teaching was like that for me, all the other teachers telling me they had to learn the hard way, so I should too. I feel like I've literally had no support my entire life.
Agree with you San, it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways
:hug: to you both and anyone else who stops by...
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QuoteIf you don't know what you don't know how are you supposed to KNOW???
precisely what i've had to tell myself many, many times when looking back on how i've been in relationships, especially about boundaries. i agree, EA, that we weren't taught basics about boundaries so we were not able to go into relationships and not only not know what was not ok to allow but how to enforce that. lots of negatives there, but certainly many truths as well. i can totally relate to this. love and hugs :hug:
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Hi Eireanne,
That scenario with the father speaking to his daughter about the car, and never staying in a place where no one sees your value is really interesting.
Hope :)
I thought it was interesting too. Thank you Hope :)
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if it's any comfort, EA, you're not abandoned here. i'm here for you as are others, no matter what's going on with you. you're working hard to figure all this out, and i give you a lot of credit for that. love and hugs :hug:
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It is San, thank you.
Thank you Moondance for the hugs
:hug: to you both
:hug: What San wrote Eireanne :hug:
BTW, I absolutely love the antidote about the old car!
Thank you Kizzie :hug: and thank you for this space, It is so very needed :bighug:
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EA, 2 things you wrote really struck home w/ me -
QuoteI have a habit of putting a higher importance to the friendships I have than other people I think...because of these lack of connections with people in my developmental years
i think my friendships were connections to how i was supposed to be as a person, so they were of paramount importance to me since i didn't learn how when i was a kid.
QuoteYou know my entire life, my dad never once told me he was proud. One of my grandma's friends told me my dad was proud of me. I was like, no, you're mistaken (or something) and she was like, oh no, he talks about you all the time.
it was my brother who told me this (rather than a grandmother). my F was the one i was always trying to please (still try sometimes altho he's been dead for 50 yrs -those old desires are often still so strong w/in me) while i am proud of myself, all i ever wanted to do was make him proud of me. never happened cuz i never heard it from him.
this crapola surely does wreak vengeance w/ our lives. here with you on all this. love and hugs :hug:
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You know that bit about your parents not letting you wait to get your yearbook signed made me feel really sad for you.
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It didn't come across as attention seeking not one little bit. Just a sad little example as you say in a long line of sad examples that add up to cause the damage that's been caused.
I really like the excerpt you shared at the end of your post. That seems super helpful for me.
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hey, EA, interesting bit about stress. will have to think on that.
yeah, i've cleaned almost all those people from my life as well. i'm definitely better off w/o them. in the end, they didn't treat me w/ respect, and as you said, no interest in finding out about me.
lovely words. wish that i could take them in. i hope you can. love and hugs :hug:
@San - still working on taking things in. Thank you for the love and hugs - much needed :hug:
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I'm so sorry
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Thank you Armee and Moondance :bighug:
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I will think about this some more but my initial thought is this is very applicable to me.
Thanks for sharing Eireanne.
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QuoteFully accepting and embracing everything you've confronted and dealt with in life allows you to live from a powerful center.
hey, EA, i've found the above, 'fully accepting' to be a tremendous trial for me, let alone embracing it. am not even close to the second part yet, but realizing and accepting have proven to be great challenges to me. just reading this made me tighten up as if protecting myself from some new pain/hurt. it's amazing/weird how such statements can exact very different responses from individuals.
you have certainly put in a lot of time and effort researching all this. wow! i can't take in half of what you write - it gets overwhelming for me. and, i'm not suggesting you stop - these are my own issues - but it helps me see just where i am and what kinds of things bother me. such as 'fully accepting'. it struck a chord w/ me. thanks for all the info. love and hugs :hug:
@San - it's incredibly triggering for me as well. And a lot of what I leave here are things I read that I need to process to understand why it's triggering. In my other journal, I let my "parts" rip things I'm listening to to shreds, to figure out why I have such reactions to things I read. Exactly what you said - it's amazing/weird how such statements are interpreted so differently by individuals. I have been exploring so much of this...messiness of language, how so many people in my life got my relationships WRONG, kept telling me I was co-dependent (A HUGE trigger word for me) and depressed and anxious and having panic attacks, so I'm listening to all these saved videos and articles that I was being inundated with, and couldn't process any of it then, because I was reacting...the part of my brain that KNEW on some level people weren't listening. The voice that screams BS...and so I leave it here because if I'm confused/angry about something - I know a lot of us in here are. And I keep meaning to respond to your journal...but I think I might do it here, so if what I say ends up being upsetting, you don't have it sitting in your own journal...if that makes sense. I just sometimes have really strong opinions about something and I don't often take the time to confirm whether I'm actually understanding what a person is saying, and not just how I'm reading it (and I realize that when I let my different "parts" read things, they all have different answers...and when I stop to listen to them, I get past why I'm being triggered and can sometimes get down to the root cause. It's that place I need to keep myself for therapy in a few hours...
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interesting stuff, EA. the more i read, however, the more i got triggered into a shame/guilt place, as if somehow my mind or i did something wrong. the word 'lazy' is very triggering for me - trauma around that one. so, i don't know how much i agree w/ some of this, or maybe it's my own issues. but, an interesting take, new perspective about breakdowns. love and hugs :hug:
@San, right there with you...some of these videos are just....wrong? And I take everything with a grain of salt, but trust that it's triggering me too...listening to one on depression now that has everything just about completely "wrong" and yet I find a nugget of, "hmmm ok, let me think about that for a bit" so I leave it here in the journal to come back to once my brain sorts out the trigger. Since different things trigger us, it may or may not work for you, I just hope nothing you read here offends you to the point you're upset with me, because that's NOT my intent :hug:
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Aside from the offensive use of the word depressives which I appreciate you crossing out there is truth in this last one for sure. Rug sweeping is not useful. Processing is painful but ultimately quite healing.
Agreed @Armee - there's so much in these videos that offend me, but I'm balancing out my "righteous indignation" and wanting to rant to trying to find the useful bits...and crossing out the words that are offensive. :hug:
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Ohhhh that's how it should have been!!??
I didn't get any of that and I suspect the same for many of us.
I really appreciate this info Eireanne - lots to think about. Not just this post but all of them
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:bighug: Moondance
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As humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hardwired for that negative. We're really, really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.
Being wired in this way is actually really good for us, and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.
Eiranne, thanks for your insights. I especially identify with the ones about mourning ones losses.
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QuoteAs humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hardwired for that negative. We're really, really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.
EA, i don't really agree w/ this. i often go back to babyhood, how babies react to themselves and the outside world. i do believe we are hardwired to notice threats - that's a survival instinct, isn't it? but, i don't quite understand the 'weaknesses' bit, or being hardwired for the negative. we aren't born with shame or guilt - those are placed on us by others. and i've learned and fought w/ myself not to categorize emotions as good or bad - they're just emotions.
anyway, just my 2 cents. provocative stuff here.
and, i agree w/ you that you deserve to have your story heard. i've found that w/ my T, but not really w/ anyone else, at least not the whole thing. one H knows a lot, and that was over 16 yrs., but there's really not enough time for the whole of it. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you so much to everyone that is reading and offering thoughts, perspectives and hugs, I feel bad that I'm "down in it" right now and I'm so focused on my own needs and understanding that I'm not being the people pleaser and responding thoughtfully in kind. It's really not in my nature and bothers me, so please don't take it personal, my lack of responding to your kindness.
:hug: for everyone supporting me here, and for being patient with me as I work through this mess.
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totally agree w/ this, EA -
Quoteyou know different realities different belief systems and different frequencies
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i think it's one of the more difficult realities to understand when in a relationship - what one person says comes from their own reality and vice versa. i think this is why communication is so difficult between people in relationships because the idea of this is not widely known or respected. thanks for this.
and no pressure on you to respond. do your thing. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San :bighug:
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This stuff is just so hard - I stand wuth you Eireanne.
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My observation has been that a person (guy, girl, whatever) will think of any excuse (no matter how trivial) as a reason to not speak to them again. oh, I don't like your hair, or you're too short/tall/thin/small breasted/tall/fat/big breasted/too religious/not religious enough/too much hair/not enough hair/etc. And it could be one thing the other person is lacking...the wrong level of education, socio-economic status, car (or lack thereof) and suddenly the potential to find out anything about that person is gone. I've never understood that. I tend to overlook most things...but I started thinking...at what point is it OK to mention to another person, "hey, I don't really care for *this* about you" without coming off as insensitive?
I get into a state of consciousness where certain things that had been eluding me find its way to the surface, and I long to have someone to be able to share that experience with. I want someone to be so keenly interested in me that making that depth of a connection was something that they were interested in doing, not just as an obligation, but knowing that those are the moments to me at least that make me feel like I'm in a partnership with someone who wanted to see my authentic self, because that is the intimacy I crave that if received I think I could truly blossom...not just for how I made them feel about themselves. So, in this coming year, I'm trying to learn how to be that person for myself. Which is quite challenging...it means having to rewire some deeply rooted beliefs.
I was listening to a Ted Talk, and she said, "as long as you focus on what it is that actually matters structures will cease to be relevant and your ripple will flow resistance free and take all kinds of shapes that you would not even have imagined" - and I think that is what I meant. Everything will fall into place if it was meant to be. I'm not stressing about the details right now. My focus is on me, and fully knowing what it is I want before I'm able to present it to someone else and say, "are you able to fill this role for me?" Currently, I realize I'm uninterested in meeting anyone else's needs before my own basic ones are met.
I assume I'll forever be a work in progress, I'm just hoping I'll eventually connect with someone that is genuinely interested in being a part of that...not just someone who feels obligated to listen. Not sure if that makes sense...most of my thoughts rarely make sense to others, but I think it's because I have a hard time explaining...even when I think I've made myself perfectly clear, other people filter what I say through their own perceptions and most times comprehension is lost somewhere in between.
Worry – when do you worry? When a situation is occurring and a similar situation occurred in the past, which didn't turn out well, and you aren't clear on what steps you need to take to prevent the same thing happening again, like you look back and it's not obvious, Oh, if I had only done this differently, so when this happens again, next time I'm going to do THIS – only you're never clear what this is, and the more you try to prevent the outcome from occurring, you seem to be careening down the same path. Then you worry that thinking about how to solve the problem from happening is causing a self-fulfilling prophesy, and everyone tells you you overthink things, so how to stop thinking?
"Almost everything you worry about happening never has happened" actually, everything I worry about HAS happened, is continuing to happen and I can't figure out how to CHANGE things.
They aren't negative THOUGHTS, they are negative things that have actually OCCURRED
My biggest issues are financial insecurity, feeling trapped in an inability to communicate effectively and not having anyone that has the time to help me verbalize these issues that weigh on my mind and grief over the non-stop losses that I experience.
i hear you, EA. love and hugs :hug:
https://youtube.com/shorts/Yix441VJ350?feature=share
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:hug: to San and Armee - thank you for the hugs as I continue to dig through the stored things in my computer and memories...
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it is indeed frustrating, EA, and i can relate. too many times things come out of my mouth before i can catch them, or the opposite - i can't say what i mean because my thoughts don't coagulate into words. and, i am on the edge of the spectrum, so i can see how that has affected me and my ability to communicate at times. i'm better at writing, where i can take my time to think about what i want to say and how i want to say it.
i watched that little video about empaths, and it made sense that they are attuned to what they perceive as the most dangerous thing in the room. i think her advice was a bit simplistic. it's easy for anyone to tell us 'you need to do this or change that' but putting it into practice can be a whole 'nother can of worms. i guess it's why i don't usually look to online 'gurus'. it makes me feel uncomfortable rather than encouraged.
it's amazing all the info you've gathered. gives me something to think about, and put into concrete realizations. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Eireanne,
I agree with SanMagic that it is amazing all the info you've gathered. It also gives me things to think about.
I also relate to finding it easier sometimes to write things down, than say them. I rarely say things aloud or communicate them that way, but writing - it does help.
:hug:
Hope :)
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Those platitudes just simply don't apply to trauma, EerieAnne. Your gut there is 100% right
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Quote from: Armee on August 28, 2023, 11:13:18 PM:hug:
Those platitudes just simply don't apply to trauma, EerieAnne. Your gut there is 100% right
Thank you Armee...you stopping by means a lot to me :hug:
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:bighug: :bighug:
:bighug: right back Moondance - thank you
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Much needed Moondance, thank you
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Just want you to know I've read several posts, and I resonate very much with a lot of what you said. I resonate with
"no one ever believed in me and made any effort to show me that I was capable of anything."
and
"I wondered what was wrong with me that there wasn't anyone out there that actually cared that I was alone. Everyone is too selfish and wrapped up in their own lives, sharing with everyone how many presents they have to wrap, how many things they have to bake, how busy and hectic everything is, all the family and friends they are sharing their day with."
and
"Since everyone is so busy, I can spend all this quality time uninterrupted. I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...or nothing! How exciting is that?"
and
"I grieve the loss of all the friends I thought I had recently".
:hug:
Hi Eireanne- exactly what Natureluvr says
Sending caring encouragement that you are enough as you are. IMO our circumstances can often be a reflection of CPTSD.
Under all this trauma I'm sorting thru I know there is a loving, kind person, free spirited woman. I'm just not feeling it yet but as I peel the layers perhaps she will feel okay enough to come back out.
I didn't do it, I didn't cause it. My trauma brain, body just needs to cath up with that thought/belief.
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Thank you to both Natureluvr and Moondance for the validation. I struggle with how hard this is and how it's changed me into someone no one else I meet can even remotely relate to. I'm so tired of "That sounds terrible" and "I can't even imagine!" - none of us should be made to feel like an outcast because of what we've experienced...things we didn't do or cause. :hug:
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That it is
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Beautifully said
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Hi Eireanne,
I've appreciated many of the things you have written in your journal, and just wanted to say that.
Hope :)
Thank you so much Hope :hug:
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Thank you so much for the hugs San, you've been in my thoughts :hug:
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hope you're doing ok, EA. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: San (and everyone else who stops by my journals, I'm so grateful for your patience as I continue to work through my recovery) :grouphug:
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interesting stuff, EA. the loneliness portion reminded me of the 'failure to thrive' syndrome. i'd first heard it connected to WWII in england, where babies were sent out of london for protection to outlying hospitals. their staff, unfortunately, was overwhelmed, and couldn't do much more than shelter and feed the babies. it was noticed that these children failed to thrive, as in not growing or gaining weight at a normal level, hence the advent of using older people to come in and spend time rocking babies when the parents weren't available.
this has always fascinated me, how we can be given the necessities of life, so to speak, yet because of not having regular human contact, we can be prone to all sorts of maladjustments physically, mentally, emotionally.
i hate that you've had problems speaking up, asking for what you need, and having that ignored/denied. you're another example of the strength we have shown in the midst of sometimes life-threatening adversity. love and hugs :hug:
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Hi Eiranne,
I read what you wrote, and I wanted to say something - but somehow words have failed me, and I can't think of what I really would like to say - so I'll just say that I related to what you mentioned about trying to get your laptop battery problem fixed, and how frustrating it can be to have difficulties doing something like that.
I also wanted to say that I'm glad that you're being as compassionate with yourself as you can. I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok :grouphug:
Hope :)
EA, i relate to so much of your struggle and just want to let you know that you're not alone. we can't automatically do what we haven't been taught or shown (like IT stuff, self-soothing, etc.) sending you much love and a big hug filled with care :bighug:
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EA, i hear you. i've finally put that one class of people under the heading of 'ignorant', as in ignorant as to what might actually be going on, what it means, how it might possibly feel. i've had many run-ins w/ those people, but have also found some who have tried to understand, have asked me to explain, or have just given comfort cuz they know i'm hurting. the 'ignorants' are the ones who hand out platitudes on a platter thinking it will help, and can't understand why it doesn't. it's too bad. sometimes it's also a struggle for us to understand, and we've gone thru it. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
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EA, it sure sounds like you've had some very harsh experiences/situations when it comes to interacting w/ others. i wish that hadn't been so.
i think a lot of us have tended to gravitate toward people who feel 'familiar', for a couple of reasons. one is that it's the kind of treatment/actions we've come to know from family. i know i've sought out relationships w/ men who were emotionally blank walls and women who treated me without kindness/gentleness or as someone not to be taken seriously, including friends and superiors. it is a lonely and confusing place to be.
two is that i haven't known very well how to be around people who weren't unkind to me, or who were emotionally available, male or female. like you said, i wasn't taught how to have a healthy relationship w/ someone like that, and i also wasn't comfortable when someone did treat me kindly - didn't know how to react to that, often sabotaged it because it wasn't familiar.
it's taken a while, a long while and a lot of 'weeding' to get rid of all those unhealthy relationships, leave those people behind, and has left me w/ 4 people who i know are on my side. very different from the days when i was surrounded by 'friends'. i hope you are able to find your way to finding and becoming more comfortable w/ people who have your best interests at heart. i'm glad you're here. love and hugs :hug:
I'm glad you're here as well San - thank you :hug:
Core wounds, values, hopes, fears, beliefs
The most difficult – core wounds
Primal – psychological injuries. Broken bones that never healed right.
A byproduct of early trauma, abandonment, bullying, neglect, inconsistency, invalidation, gaslighting, abuse.
Core Wound activation is something we feel physically – even though you can talk your way through, your body still feels awful.
What are your core wounds? being neglected, invisible, no autonomy, no one to care about my opinion, my likes, my preferences, what I might want to do...people always telling me what they think I should do then not wanting to be my friend if I resist that and strive for what I actually want.
How have these wounds affected you in adulthood? People will misinterpret my intentions, not ask for clarity, be lazy in their assumptions of me and not be there for me when I need help. They tell me how I should act, and that includes keeping my problems to myself and not sharing them, and when I do, it causes them to feel uncomfortable, so they reject me. The affect that the complete and total abandonment when I am in most need of help resulted in my belief that there is something wrong with me on a cellular level and I am from an untouchable caste, a leper and no one will ever love me.
Because of your core wounds, what have you avoided? I've avoided speaking up because when I ask for help, I don't receive it, so I've learned not to try. I know that speaking up brings attention to myself and then punishment ensues.
Have your core wounds played a role in the types of relationships you have been in (or are in)? Write about that and reflect on it The only relationships I've been in are with people that sense my vulnerability and realize I have no guile and am trusting and honest and have a great amount of empathy and they enjoy that supply - it makes them feel better about themselves to break me down. Because of my fear of being alone, I have tolerated these breadcrumbs of attention from people who don't care about me, because growing up with such little care I believed that should be enough.
Can you think of ways you can use knowledge of your core wounds to build better boundaries? Choose different relationships? Be more compassionate with yourself? Now that I understand any time I get attached to the belief someone will care about me, that is just hope from my inner child, I can compassionately remind her that the only thing we can depend on is ourselves. I will be grateful for the interactions I have and remind myself not to expect more from anyone.
Have your core wounds played a role in getting into or getting stuck in a narcissistic relationship? I wouldn't say stuck - I would say that since I never experienced anything different, I know that's not the relationship I want to be in and perhaps the universe is having me learn the lesson of being alone, and surviving without social support is possible.
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your entry, EA, under the idea that mentally strong people don't give up - but maybe it's time to give up, move on, do something different in order to not make the same mistakes - really resonated w/ me. i've been told how strong i am over and over in my life, but when was it my time to be 'weak'? i've finally begun giving myself permission to do just that, and it's helped. just to be down for a bit, then i get the strength back better than ever.
again, these sound like absolutes, which i'm not a fan of, and i don't believe they're necessarily true. not for everyone. i've heard this kind of thing too often for too long and i just ignore them now. sometimes i even feel angry about them, like 'don't try to cover me w/ the same blanket as everyone else! this is wool and it itches!!! so, leave me alone!'
ack. i got riled up just thinking about it. you don't have to buy into them either, EA. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Eireanne,
I wanted to send you a hug :hug: - I read what you wrote in the red font, your experiences, and I felt some feelings of upset over the things you've experienced. Those suggestions written in black ink - they were 'absolutes' (great term that SanMagic said), and most likely difficult to achieve in real life.
Anyway, I also send you love and hugs :hug:
Hope :)
thinking of you. love and hugs :hug: