Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

There are things to write but. I can't somehow. Some of these things are just repeat repeat repeat. Same old same old. About me, about how I'm coping rn, or not. More not. To go  back to what I know - for me it's best to re-ground and I can do that partially by looking at the positive in my life. 'Look at' not 'think.'

3 Good Things today: I enjoyed reading parts of "Watership Down"; I got up eventually TWICE; I unpacked some more things and put them away, especially books.

Things I have Achieved today so far: got out of bed and took my first meds; unpacked some things; threw out some stuff; have made myself some tea and am drinking it; had some hard bread - tasted OK actually; wrote and sent an email; took my second meds; have swept up and thrown out some of the dust-bunny mess on the floor

Mindfulness: some visual - really looking at the buds developing on the tree below my kitchen window. They look like pale green very miniature cauliflowers (tho they aren't, they're something quite normal, on a quite normal tree); there is some other nature I've had my eye on today, like the daffodils over the way.

I don't think there are any new paths in there, but I tramped along old paths that I know are good for me. Delving into Holocaust stuff was probably not the best. Although some of the blackness and self-denial were already in my soul before yesterday and still are. e.g. I don't want to eat and don't much. This is a type of self-denial that is unhealthy for me, and it's not just about eating either. I know for myself and have no need to explain further here.

A 13yo visitor is coming in a couple of days. I remind myself that I tend to zone out before he comes. Although when he is actually here, it's good for me. He's not his M, who's one of my ex-friends, he's a separate person altogether.

So NTS 3 Good Things rn: my tea is hot going down my throat; I feel better sitting up straight; I like seeing the trees out the window

[Armee]

 
You've gone through a huge change. I'm proud of you just for hanging on, though I see what a struggle it is and how hard it has been to get up and do the basics. That's got to be really frustrating, I'm sorry. 

I hope your visit is not too stressful. Wow I remember when he was 10 or 11! I've been on here a long time!

[sanmagic7]

   i agree.  keep going, blueberry.  your pace may not be anyone else's, but it is a pace and it counts.   love and hugs

[Not Alone]

  for not only the positive things that you did for yourself today, but also for noticing. I'm proud of you too.

If my memory is correct, you wrote about a visit with a young person previously. Same person? I thought that the visit had gone well, again, if I'm remembering correctly.

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody

Yes, you're right Not Alone, it's my godson who has been here before. His visits usually do work out. Twice I have been badly triggered, once at his parents' place when he was a lot smaller because I had a smell flashback and once somewhere else - but it was the whole constellation of his sibs and his M and him the second time.

But him alone at my place, that does usually work out somehow. Tbh now is not the best time but I wanted to offer him the chance because I haven't seen him for a while and knew I would be going back inpatient this year.

I still haven't showered or washed my hair or washed the dishes or brought up the dry laundry or made space for the chair that folds out into a single bed or found clean bedding. I have T tomorrow morning too, tho that might actually help me get on with some of above in advance e.g. washing my hair.

Today I found out: inpatient stay starting in 5 weeks. That is good, to state the obvious.

[Armee]

 

I'm glad to hear there's a start date for inpatient. That'll be a relief to have some help healing and getting through the day. I'm sorry Blueberry. I wish things werent so hard. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee, blueberry.  i so wish you didn't have to struggle w/ this the way you do.  so much, so terrible.  glad for you to have a start for inpatient again.  i know it's helped in the past.  sending lots of love and a hug filled w/ gentle kindness and caring,

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and san   It's such a big relief when I can go back inpatient again. I wish I didn't need it so often and so much, but I do.

Something I watched from Avaiya university yesterday helped me understand why it's so bad, so difficult.

Good Things Today: I did eventually shower and wash my hair; I aired the bathroom properly afterwards; cleaned shower walls and did some vacuuming in other rooms; I did all that early enough to be able to go to library and get some dvds for when my young visitor comes; did some food-shopping; did some other roaming around eg on Internet and how I could maybe entertain my visitor when he's here - got some ideas too.

[Blueberry]

I had a good visit from my godson. What a difference it makes having somebody around so I don't give up and go back to bed for the day! We did lots of stuff together. Suddenly realise how much variety and how many activities you can get in during 24 hours and/or during a visit of just over 2 days.

I remember a good number of years ago when he was quite small, his mother said in some context or other that I love him and so xyz. I didn't say anything to her of course but wrote on here that I wasn't so sure about that because I couldn't feel love. Luckily a mbr wrote that I care about him and that's enough. But today I felt love in me towards him when he was sitting at the table eating and I was finished and just looking at him. That feels like progress - being able to feel love towards one of the children in my life. It was a pleasant emotion too, rising up in me and spreading outwards and even extending to his mother. For those mbrs who have often read my posts, they may remember that his mother and I had a major falling out so it's not that obvious that the feeling of love would spread to her too. It doesn't mean were good friends again or that trust and openness etc are coming back but more loving her son seems to mean that I can send her good feelings and in so doing cut out criticisms of her in my head. There's that old proverb "Where you plant a rose, a thistle cannot grow." That's what fits my feelings here. It might not stay that way, might not always be the case, especially not for all Parts but atm that's the way it is.

Unfortunately I slipped on the floor and fell a couple of days ago and sprained my ankle, just a few hours before my godson came. I was getting things ready for his visit, in a hurry, not really paying attention and Wham landed awkwardly on the floor. I didn't notice till a number of hours later that it was a little problematic and yesterday worse. Yesterday evening I no longer pushed through with what my godson and I had planned. It did take me a bit of thinking and resolve and so on, but I did then go through with the self-care of not worsening my ankle, foot and rest of leg.    I talked to my godson and offered alternatives and that all worked out well. He's 13 now and I can remember fairly well how it felt to visit relatives or friends of family when I was that age, including one great aunt I'd never visited before and hadn't seen in person for 4 years. None of that is triggering me, it's just that I'm remembering overnight visits to older family mbrs when I was on my own.

With some of the memories come realisations like one grandmother always required me in the kitchen when she was cooking but she didn't need my help and/or couldn't delegate. Occasionally I was meant to stir something in a saucepan but then she would always adjust where the saucepan was sitting on the ring because it was hanging over the edge by a millimetre and then I'd notice it was hanging a millimetre over on the other side. As an adult now I can almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it but not at the time! I felt useless - had to be there as granddaughter (my brothers being boys didn't) but the only 'cooking' I could do was stirring and even that I didn't do well enough. And then there were odd jobs like getting the plates out of the cupboard and setting the table of course. Meal preparation with my other grandmother was different. She actually often preferred to be on her own in the kitchen. I would ask if I could do anything and often she declined, but in a friendly way. She was like that with other adults too, like with my parents and aunts and uncles. But sometimes I helped in the kitchen and there was never this micro-managing going on. Same with other ways I helped, like buying a loaf of bread. I'd ask in advance what type and she'd say I could choose and I knew I wouldn't go back to her house and be criticised for buying the wrong type. My godson helps a lot with meal prep  - like chopping up fruit and veg. He just does it too, doesn't have to ask about how and so on (unlike me due to stuff in my childhood), but I - unlike the one grandmother - am quite OK with him going off and doing his own thing for 5-10 minutes while I do some stuff in the kitchen on my own. Now I know what it is: I don't need an audience/spectators. The one grandmother needed that. She couldn't somehow deal with me reading or even doing my homework while she was busy working, although she didn't actually have any work to give me. I was just meant to stand uselessly in the kitchen. I don't know but I think it might have been some type of resentment - here I am standing working while my young granddaughter does 'nothing'. Anyway I don't have those types of feelings towards my godson. If I had them, it might be a younger Part feeling abandoned to working on her own. But fortunately it's not even the case. Last time my godson visited, I think I was more nervous and nagging, though I didn't want to, but 12 yo racing along on scooter (or maybe bicycle I can' honestly remember) in various types of traffic situations was a little hair-raising - not just about his safety but also other people's e.g. in pedestrian precinct. None of that was a problem, partly because he's older but I also felt partly more relaxed and less hypervigilant

New paths are being forged   And some old paths are being re-opened e.g. cooking again.

[Blueberry]

Three Good Things today:

I eventually got up, took my meds, had brunch (at home) including tea

I spontaneously did some tidying in the kitchen and floor-sweeping in various rooms

Looking out my windows - at birds in the trees over the road, at the leaves slowly unfurling on trees behind the house, at the fountain burbling away also across the road

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  so great, blueberry!  sorry about the sprained ankle, but i felt wonderful at the thought that you could feel love toward your godson.  it's the best feeling, i think, and i'm so glad you were able to experience it with him.  yay!!!

well done for your 3 good things.  looking out the window got to me - i'm a nature lover, and as i'm writing i can hear robins singing and for some reason it's comforting.  it's like, look, something's going right. 

you're doing what you can, what you need to do, and i give you all kinds of credit for that.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your validation, san.

At least one new path: I'm doing a little better with spontaneously cleaning this or that in my new apartment, or tidying in some spot or putting stuff away.
I also sometimes feel less exhausted when I look at e.g. a rug and realise it needs to be vacuumed.

These two things are both big

In occupational therapy I'm learning how to use my smartphone - very basic functions like charging, taking a photo, navigating the smartphone (as opposed to navigating with the smartphone) - pressing the right button, getting onto W-LAN etc. This is big progress too because anytime anybody has tried to teach me before, my brain would freeze and that would be it - nothing would be possible.

My feet and legs are no longer in such a bad state.

On the downside, I'm eating a lot atm, as a crutch. And my own particular brand of SH.

[sanmagic7]

well, then, let me cheer alongside you for those 2 things  .  well done, blueberry.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san   Reading other people's journals atm including yours san and I feel incapable of responding. I suppose that will come back some time.

Later today I was able to keep going with coming back inside and putting stuff away instead of leaving on the floor. 

I also took a walk because I felt that was what I wanted to do. I combined that with running errands. It was good to do both, but especially good to act on the impulse to go for a walk, be outside, pass trees and bushes, going slowly (or at least slower than on a bike) and my impulse was definitely to walk not cycle.

I have now been whiling away my time on the computer though mostly not on OOTS. Actually there are a few missives due to various different FOO mbrs, some of which I'd like to do before I go inpatient, but this evening was again a time when I didn't start writing far less post these letters and/or email. It's difficult.