Inappropriate Massage (trigger alert. really graphic)

[KayFly]

Hi,

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to get a couples massage. We have the same girl and guy every time. I love the guy who does my work, Hector.  But after booking this massage 3 weeks in advance to have the masseuse I asked for, when we showed up, it was a different guy (but same lady for my boyfriend).  I didn't want it to be uncomfortable for the new guy, or for my boyfriend or his massage therapist, so I said "I booked Hector, but I am not too high maintenance."

I didn't realize how important it was for me to have Hector and why.  Hector usually is very energetically aware, matches my breathing, never touches me in questionable places, and always gives me the exact kind of massage that I ask for.

I asked this new guy (and this stuff is expensive), if he could go easy, but work out knots as he feels them. He never worked out one knot, but I know I have em because I just went on an extremely long backpacking trip and came back injured.

So I was extremely uncomfortable the whole first part of the massage, because he was a lazy masseuse, and I waited 3 weeks to not see the person I usually see, trust, etc...I couldn't mentally get to a comfort zone and was on the verge of crying throughout the entire massage...but it got worse...

The man, massaged my glutes, which is inappropriate in a massage environment, professionally.  They are supposed to ask if the client is comfortable and he didn't and he was like really trying to make sure he got a grab of my glutes everytime he massaged my back leg.  I think I froze and went into EF of being molested and helpless. Then I turned over, and the guy I normally have, would go greater lengths to make sure the blanket was tight up against me so he didn't see anything.

I didn't feel that way with this guy, and then he rubbed the part of my breast between my bone and nipple, which has never happened with my previous masseuse.

As soon as they left the room, I burst out into tears. I felt really violated, and I didn't say anything, because I was trying to make sure everyone else was comfortable, a very common faun trait of mine.

I civilly wrote the owner and explained what happened, poor scheduling, and how violated I felt. We are being reimbursed for the massage. But she wants to talk to me in person now about exactly what happened. I think a phone conversation is enough.  I am not going any further out of my way for what just happened.

I understand that part of this, is my lack of ability to speak out, my fear, but don't you guys think that is not appropriate? I'm really stressed and upset when I think back on it, like I can remember sounds made, like it were a traumatic event.

Please feedback.

[Dutch Uncle]

but don't you guys think that is not appropriate?

Yes I do.
But what's more important: YOU do.
That's all there is to it.
Easier said than done though. I know.

I understand that part of this, is my lack of ability to speak out, my fear,

Yet:

I civilly wrote the owner and explained what happened, poor scheduling, and how violated I felt.

I hope Hector will be there the next time you go.

[mourningdove]

That sounds highly inappropriate to me, too, and very frightening.

I'm glad you were able to address this with the owner afterwards, for your sake and for the sake of others.

I'm sorry that you had such an awful experience.

[C.]

I am so sorry you had that experience.  I've had a similar experience and one thought that comes to mind is that sometimes people who tend towards being abusive select professions where they can do so...hopefully that wasn't the case here but what you describe really makes me wonder. 

It sounds like you handled yourself as best you could in a situation where someone with power used it in an inappropriate way.  I am really glad that you were able to write the letter and speak out here on the forum.  I hope that the validation helps.

When I've had very unpleasant experiences that put me in that faun or freeze mode I often talk them through with my therapist to figure out when the trigger of my response began.  It sounds like you've done so here.  Then I try to think about what I might do differently if a similar situation were to happen again, not to beat myself up or feel guilty, just to learn.  Last night I even dreamed that I had a different response to an unpleasant experience in my past.  Somehow that's empowering for me.  Like the inappropriate massage I received if it were to begin tomorrow I would simply say "go away, leave me alone or I'll call the police" (it was a stranger offering a free massage and I was very young and naive) .  Hopefully this will never happen to you again, but would it help you to think about what you'd if a similar situation were to happen again?  Or would that be too painful and triggering?  Like I said, I only mention this because it's been helpful for me and I feel empathy and compassion for your experience.  It may or may not be helpful for you.

I hear you being pretty hard on yourself for not saying something during the massage, but you did nothing wrong.  He's the one who was wrong, not you.  He used his power in an inappropriate way.     And kudos to you for writing that letter, that took courage and strength too.

I'm a little surprised by the owner's response in wanting to talk to you about it in person.  If you're ok w/a phone conversation, great.  It seems to me that you've already been made to feel uncomfortable once and  it's completely understandable that you don't want to discuss it in-person.  This time you get to do whatever you feel works for you whether that's talk on the phone, write again or nothing.

Anyway, that you for sharing the experience for feedback here and I trust that you will find resolution that works for you about what happened.

[KayFly]

The owner just wrote back invalidating the entire experience...saying it was "in my mind" and no boundaries were crossed.

I told her to refund the future massage we paid for, and the past massage and that she may be hearing from the authorities.

I'm in a panic now. I didn't want to mess with anyone's job, or life but this lady just crossed the line for the last time. I'm livid. I feel like my boundaries were crossed and now I'm actually considering pressing charges because I feel so upset and helpless.

[KayFly]

Thank you guys for sharing and validating my experience. I spoke with the woman on the phone who owns the place and I went off on her for invalidating my boundaries being crossed.

She fired the guy. I got my money back and I'm never going back. That lady was weird. Why would she not have a policy of no touching of questionable areas? Especially after she opened up to me about almost being raped by one of her clients. When she opened up, I told her I had been molested...

Which left free rein for her to say it's all in my mind.

I'm not calm yet, I'll never go back there, but I'm glad I got to speak my mind atleast. I don't even know. I need to calm down and really read through all you wrote.

I just did the best I could. Thank you guys again so much for being there

[mourningdove]

That was a hideous thing for her to do. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with her invalidation on top of everything else. I would be very upset, too.

[woodsgnome]

Your experience both saddens and angers.

Sad/angry is totally inadequate. Despicable is better. There are no more words worth wasting on them, though. All that matter are that you take good care of yourself now and know that you did what you needed to and are supported.

[KayFly]

Right!? Thank you mourningdove, Dutch Uncle, woodsgnome and C for validating my experience. It really helped

C, Thank you for telling me about your experience, and for commending my standing up for myself through a letter.  I would be willing to picture myself handling the situation better, had it come up again in the future. But for now, I am not scheduling any massages for awhile...

I really went off on the lady on the phone for so much inconvenience. She reminded me of my mother, who also molested me.  Not just the invalidation, but the "Peace and Blessings" crap. In no way shape or form, is that lady a healing authority.

She said that she fired the guy. Do I believe her? She invalidated my experience. It sounds like she herself may be a predator. Am I being paranoid? I am considering filing a report with the authorities, but i feel like it may be a bit too much for me...I don't want to see that guy...I don't want to go back to that place...And I just want this to pass...

But I am not the type to let things slide like that. He could be doing that to other people! I feel like it's in my hands to stop it now. And that makes me feel powerless, confused and sad.

I'm not really sure what to actually do. Is it best that I take further action? In my experience, that usually hasn't done much. Also like, i don't know if there is a law against massaging someone's glutes or breast area. Its just the WAY he did it. I felt so violated. I'm not sure authorities will give a crap about it. Is crap a swear word? Jesus

[C.]

Whatever you decide Kayfly will be what's best.  I trust your judgement.  And you sound quite aware of who's triggering you and why.  You could probably file a report with whoever licenses massage therapists in the area where you live.  Too bad it's had such a negative effect on you getting a massage for now : (  The important thing I think is to do what's best for you, whatever that might be.  If letting it go for now causes you less stress and you feel ok w/it that certainly works too.

[tired]

If she did fire him it's easy enough to verify and if that's the case she must think he did something wrong. She probably doesn't want you to take any kind of legal action so she's dismissing you.  Doesn't mean she doesn't believe you. She just doesn't want to get into trouble herself.  I mean if she really thought you were making it up she would stand by her employee.