NatureLuvr's Journal 2024. *** TW. Strong Emotions, Describe Abuse

natureluvr · May 20, 2024, 04:30:18 PM

I'm starting a new journal. My last post in here was in November of 2023. Just to re-aquaint you, I have CPTSD from a sadistic high level narc mom.

Part of me is feeling like I should apologize for not being in here for the past 7 months, but another part is saying that is false guilt. I think it is.

My younger son as now graduated college, and is living with us until July, when his new job starts. It will take him to another state. Thankfully, my relationships with my husband and son are going OK.

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Right now, I'm dealing with anger. I'm coming out of denial about my neurological issues, which I believe were caused by my mother's heavy drinking, drugging, and smoking while she was pregnant with me. It was thought in the past by a couple of mental health professionals that I had Asperger's/High Functioning Autism, but I suspect what I have is FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder). I have most of the neurological traits, and even one or 2 of the physical traits, which to me is pretty compelling. I know she drank heavily when she was pregnant. She admitted it, but not in a way of taking responsibility for it, more in a way of saying that back then, (I was born in May 1961), no one made such a big deal of pregnancy. It was done more in a way to excuse and defend herself. Not only that, on facebook one of her old friends was talking about how he and she and my aunt all got smashed on New Years Eve in 1960 and jumped into a swimming pool fully clothed, when she would have been 4 months pregnant with me. Nice job, mom. Thanks for thinking about your unborn child. Her actions were incredibly immature and selfish, and all she cared about was herself. Not a single thought for the child she was carrying. At 4 months, she new she was pregnant.

Because of not only the CPTSD, but also because of FASD neurological damage, I had some issues as a very young child, which included impulsivity, lower tolerance for frustation, and stubbornness, not to mention language comprehension issues. I was also already emotionally affected by the severe neglect. However, instead of receiving help and support for these challenges, all I got was blame and abuse, as if it was my fault, and I was doing this on purpose just to anger her. In fact, I heard her say that to me many times, that I was purposely trying to upset her, but I wasn't. She used this physical brain damage I had to marginalize me, shun me, and try to convince me, and the rest of the family, that I was inferior and defective. She would even purposely provoke me and work me up into a rage, and then mock at me, and say that my temper tantrum was proof that I was the problem. I was bullied repeatedly throughout my first 9 years of school, and then came home to abuse and neglect.

I've discussed these things with therapists in the past. My anger about this is not as intense as it used to be, so that is good. I'm really careful who I share this with, because the last thing I need is to be lectured that "you should forgive her", or told that "you need to get over this and move on". How can I just forget about this? It has had a very profound impact on not just my inner emotional life, but my external life. I've always had, and still have social issues, and problems with forming relationships/friendships with other people. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have significant issues with this. Not only that, but I've been the target for many bullies in the past, not only in childhood, but in adulthood. This is really common for people who are neuro-divergent. There is a lot of overlap between the symptoms of ASD and FASD. The brain damage from in utero drug/alcohol exposure will probably never go away. Not trying to be defeatist, just being realistic.

I hope I don't come across as feeling sorry for myself, and being in self pity. Maybe I am having some self pity. I don't know. I do know that I'm growing in my ability to have some self compassion, and come out of denial about how badly I was harmed. I strongly believe that we can't heal what we don't feel, and I've had a lot of emotional pain buried inside me for a long time. It is gradually coming out, one layer at a time. I do have hope that at least I can lessen the effects of the CPTSD.

natureluvr · May 20, 2024, 04:49:04 PM

I just wanted to add one thing. I have found that when I fully express my anger and hurt and sadness, it is only then that I'm able to let it go.

forestedlot · May 20, 2024, 07:36:41 PM

Hello natureluvr! It's nice to meet you

Your post really resonates with me, I too developed CPTSD (partially) due to my mother's abuse- and the very specific situation you described here is incredibly relatable. I don't want to flood your journal with my own experience, but I want you to know your post is seen. (So, heavy TW for things related to what you mentioned above)

I have ASD, although Ive never brought up the possibility of having FASD with my doctor I'll definitely look into the symptoms and criteria a bit. I don't ask my mother questions about my childhood as she immediately feels attacked- but I can tell you for sure she drank and smoked during her pregnancy with me. Ive seen photos, videos, heard first hand accounts, and even a few times in her most high-strung moments she has admitted it to me; I also know she was abusing illicit substances around this time but I don't have any certainty she did during her pregnancy with me. Although, if you or I just randomly approached her and asked- she would never admit to endangering me at all.

When I was born I "looked normal" (okay mom -_-) so my parents who were already extremely distrustful of the medical system quickly rushed me home, and that was the last time I saw the inside of a hospital for my own treatment until I became an adult. On top of all of this, her pregnancy with me was extremely tumultuous- from me being conceived only a few months after a previous miscarriage, to being pronounced dead during some point of her pregnancy, and eventually being delivered through emergency C section after obstructed labor... I have multiple checked boxes in the "neo-natal trauma" category. Despite all this and much more, the results of this type of trauma were never considered in my development.

I could tell you a hundred stories of how my mother, peers, teachers, partners, and even medical professionals took advantage of and abused me because of my disability. And even now, as a diagnosed adult, my autism is nothing but a complete joke to my parents- I don't think they even believe me. I've spent a few years now researching everything I can about the effects of this type of trauma, because it really feels like I was doomed from the start. Sharing your experience with others, allowing yourself to feel emotions and grieve traumas is the key to healing- but what do you do when the suffering you endured was during a time when language and comprehension did not exist for yourself? Im not sure- but I think expressing all the anger, grief, and disappointment you feel now freely will help. Personally, I make art, go on walks, exercise, and write poetry- but the most important thing Ive started to do is let myself feel, instead of putting my emotions off for another time. I always thought there would be a "right" time or I would suddenly have the motivation and energy to tackle my greatest struggles- but that time never came, so I learned I should probably just get it over with in the moment huh.

Don't worry- your post did not come off at all as feeling pity or sorry for yourself, although I feel sorry for you- I hate to know others understand the pain of such an awful upbringing. Im proud of you for being honest and open with yourself, I struggle immensely with this as well- it's sometimes extremely painful to be honest about the severity of my experiences, it feels like the text reaches through the screen and grabs at my shoulders shaking me back into the traumatic memory. It's so stressful being an adult with ASD, it's hard not to isolate yourself when it seems like you'll never fit in and no one wants you around in the first place- well natureluvr, I want you to know your presence here means the world to me; knowing i'm not going to be judged for being "awkward"or "weird", and i'm not the only person here with ASD (and the trauma that comes with it) gives me a huge sense of relief. Sorry if this was too long- you're awesome, stay strong friend <3

Papa Coco · May 20, 2024, 07:54:22 PM

Naturluvr

I don't feel like your post is at all whining in self pity. I think it's beautifully written. You are expressing something that is absolutely true, and I believe you have every right to be angry at your mother's drinking and at the repeated bullying that you took way too often all those years later.

When I see responses from other members, like this one from Forestedlot, I see that by you sharing your truth, you're already helping others to feel less alone with the same sorts of struggles.

As it "gradually comes out, one layer at a time", I also welcome your writings and I'm honored to be able to read what you feel compelled to write. Most of us on this forum have been made to be quiet for far too long, and the best cure for having to stay quiet is opening up and exposing the truth. It doesn't matter that your mom didn't understand (or maybe didn't care) in 1961 the dangers of drinking while pregnant. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. It happened and you've suffered for it. You have the right to be angry about it. I'm angry about it with you!!!

natureluvr · May 20, 2024, 09:37:04 PM

ForestLot, I'm so relieved and feel support, heard, and understood reading your reply. Thank you for that. So many times in the past when I tried to share with people who haven't been through this, I've been shut down, invalidated, lectured at, talked down to, judged, disbelieved etc. To be honest, in the past 6 months, while I was away from this forum, I've been very on guard and reticent with people "on the ground" so to speak. That doesn't feel good, so I'm really glad to be back here! And, while I'm deeply sorry that you have been through such similar things, I also feel less alone to know that someone else has been through similar situations. You have given me a big gift today with your response. I feel so much less alone and less depressed now. Very soon I will come and check out your journal! I'm very sorry to hear that you, too, were exposed to these substances in utero. To be honest, I feel like this is abuse as well.

I agree, it is very difficult being an adult with ASD, or with FASD. This world is not set up for us, and it doesn't really accept us. I struggle with feeling like I've been marginalized a lot. Even this birding group I've started going to, I feel left out and marginalized. I'll write more on that later.
It's horrible how so many people mistreat and abuse those who are neurodivergent. I think it's absolutely vile and despicable. We lived in a 3rd world country, and the school I went to was pretty bad. It was a school run by North Americans for North Americans living abroad. One time, when I was about 7, a group of about 10 kids made a circle around me, and pushed and shoved me around from one kid to the other very violently. It was an incredibly humiliating and degrading experience for me. This happened right by the schools front door! The principles office was right there. Not one adult or teacher stepped in to intervene! I can't believe that no adult witnessed this! This is only one example of many. Unfortunately, people with CPTSD as well as neurodivergent people tend to see the worst side of human nature in all it's ugliness.

I also relate to you saying you felt doomed from the start. That is how I felt! I felt like I never even had a chance. I too have lots of things I do to cope. My faith and prayer are a really big help. I also walk, and of course I love being out in nature with birding and hiking. I also draw and paint. The biggest thing that is helping me with healing is allowing myself to grieve by crying. This is a huge release valve for me, and after a good cry, I feel so much lighter, and so much relief. Pete Walker talks about this a lot in his book "The Tao of Fully Feeling".

natureluvr · May 20, 2024, 09:57:07 PM

Papa Coco, your post made me tear up. I felt so supported and validated when you said you, too, feel angry about it with me. I feel deeply touched and very much understood. I'm crying now, but tears of gratitude and just being touched. I'm so grateful for this forum, because without it, I would feel very much alone. I am able to talk about these things with my husband, and he supports me, but he doesn't fully understand because he didn't go through it like we did. Too many times, when I tried talking about this stuff with priests, pastors, etc.they were dismissive and cold.

I sometimes fantasize about writing a blog anonymously where I write my autobiography, and reveal all of what happened to me. But I think there is a high chance I would get flamed by some people, and am not ready to deal with that at this point. Perhaps someday I will. I'm so glad to be back here! Being here is giving me renewed hope for the future. In all honesty, I've been getting depressed over the past 7 or 8 weeks, and this is helping very much.

forestedlot · May 20, 2024, 10:53:44 PM

Quote from: natureluvr on May 20, 2024, 09:37:04 PMForestLot, I'm so relieved and feel support, heard, and understood reading your reply. Thank you for that. Very soon I will come and check out your journal!

Im glad I could help you! Knowing I have has made my day! Thank you for your kind words <3

Quote from: natureluvr on May 20, 2024, 09:37:04 PMThis world is not set up for us, and it doesn't really accept us. I struggle with feeling like I've been marginalized a lot. It's horrible how so many people mistreat and abuse those who are neurodivergent. Unfortunately, people with CPTSD as well as neurodivergent people tend to see the worst side of human nature in all it's ugliness.

This really struck a chord in me- I find myself very often frustrated by societies lack of awareness, especially for neurodivergent issues! When big things happen in the news I often find myself avoiding interaction more because of so many people's blissful ignorance or unchecked hatred. Every single person i've met- besides other ND individuals- I have had to inform them the ideas they previously held about neurodiversity are disgustingly incorrect, even people like managers and medical professionals. We deserve better, there's no reason for society to treat us this way- people are often very selfish, lazy, and hateful when it comes to accommodating for or just existing around ND individuals! When often all we need is basic empathy- I'll never understand why some people think we are not deserving of that. Im also incredibly sorry for your experience with such traumatic forms of bullying, I too experienced things similar- it really solidifies the fear you have of crowds and people in general, I always feel trapped and am constantly looking for escape.

Quote from: natureluvr on May 20, 2024, 09:37:04 PMThe biggest thing that is helping me with healing is allowing myself to grieve by crying. This is a huge release valve for me, and after a good cry, I feel so much lighter, and so much relief. Pete Walker talks about this a lot in his book "The Tao of Fully Feeling".

I totally agree, for a long time I had lost my ability to cry but slowly I am regaining it and- wow does it feel good. I still struggle to not feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself when I express any emotions at all, but having an actual release is so much better than the bottled up feelings brooding inside. Ive just started reading Walkers "Surviving to Thriving" and i'm enjoying it very much, so I'll definitely be reading the Tao next. Thank you for the recommendation!! Today is lovely day out for me, so ill probably be spending it outdoors- I hope you will be/were able to do the same! <3

natureluvr · May 21, 2024, 12:34:51 AM

I am baffled by the contempt and disrespect so many have for neurodivergent people. People are learning to tolerate other forms of diversity, why not this? It doesn't make sense to me. I'm really sorry to hear that you too experienced group bullying like this. It's truly awful, and so cruel. I've also read Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving". I found some good help in that book. Yes, I was able to get out and work in my garden today, and also went for a walk!

natureluvr · May 21, 2024, 09:40:39 PM

My husband and I have taken up birding in the past 1.5 years. He and I are both retired. We see this as a relaxing and enjoyable hobby, and a way to get outside and enjoy nature. There is a local group of birders that goes out twice a week. It's free, and you don't have to sign up in advance, which is nice. The leader of the group is a walking bird encyclopedia and highly intelligent. However, he is also arrogant, rude, irritable, argumentative, and flippant. For example, when I mentioned my concern about the drought for last past 2 years back in March, he castigated me for complaining about the weather, and said why complain, it won't do any good. The other day, I made a very brief comment to myself in a soft voice about having a hard time seeing the birds because everything had leafed out so much. He said in flippant tone, "oh well that's life". I get very triggered by this guy. He is very critical and negative. He treats the experienced birders better than he treats the newer birders like us. The other day, he and his cronies got in their cars to go to the next spot, and didn't even tell the rest of us where they were going. Someone had to go up to the car, and ask them. Because he is so smart at the birds, the others just put up with it. I did stand up to him when he chided me for complaining, but it did no good. He seems like he has narcissism, or even a little bit of antisocial personality. My husband thinks that I'm taking his behavior too personally. It's a shame, because the others in the group seem very nice, and other than this, we enjoy this group.

Part of me says, stop going to the group. I don't need to be around this toxicity.

Another part says, just go, and try not to take his behavior personally. The last time we went, I ended up staying in the back, far away from him, and mostly stayed quiet. But in retrospect, I realize that I'm falling back into my CPTSD freeze behavior! Yikes. I don't feel I can relax and be myself in this group because of him.

His behavior doesn't seem to affect my husband the way it does me, and he wants us to keep going to the group.

There are other options for birding groups, such as the local Audubon Society. And, my husband and I can just go by ourselves. It's a shame that something so fun and relaxing is made into a drama because of a toxic leader.

I would love to hear thoughts on this.

Papa Coco · May 21, 2024, 11:55:13 PM

Naturluvr,

That guy would trigger me too. In fact, just reading what you wrote about his flippant, snide remarks makes me angry. I'm sorry to hear that you're having to deal with his arrogance alone, and that everyone else is either unable to see it, or it just doesn't trigger them. It kind of leaves you alone in the same feelings you've been alone in before.

GRR!!! I'm angry about this guy. I know too many of them myself. My problem today is I've developed an uncontrolled, and automatic laugh. When anyone ever behaves like he does to you, I accidentally laugh out loud at them. I don't mean to. I just see how pathetic and self-loathing they are, and I tend to think of them as being clowns or comedians. Like all the characters on the old Seinfeld show. They were comedians pretending to be a gaggle of narcissists, and I got used to laughing at their remarks, so maybe that's why I laugh at narcissists today. I need to get control of this, because some day I might laugh at one who has a weapon in his back pocket, and I'll be running for my life.

I'm sorry that you are stuck being the only one who is offended by this clown, but I'm glad you decided to bring it up in your Recovery Journal, so you can feel our outrage with you. We are all on your side.

These clowns have a way of eventually pushing it too far. Maybe, if you end up staying in his group long enough, he'll eventually push your husband's buttons too, and then you'll be able to sit back and let his reign of childish behavior catch up to him.

natureluvr · **Today** at 10:48:58 AM

Thanks again Papa Coco, for your validation, empathy and support. You have no idea how much you are helping me. I believe that there are quite a lot of people like this in the world now. They are just miserable people, and tend to use the world as their emotional toilet. By that I mean they are unhappy, and try to get rid of it by taking it out on other people. My husband and I are going birding alone today, and hope we don't run into him. We seen to run into him a lot at the popular birding locations. If we do and if he is a jerk, I hope I have the wherewithall to be assertive with him, and then just walk away. Or, maybe just walk away in the first place.