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Mojay,

Three memories, yikes. 

You have been working really hard. Glad you are proud of yourself. 

Thank you for the validation and the hug 

Two of the memories are part of "one" memory but there is still some time missing between the events even though it was all connected. The other memory that came back was a good one I feel bad about forgetting the nice thing, but I am glad I remembered it even though it makes me feel overwhelmed and strange. Nice to have a good memory in my memory box.

Bluegem, I could just hug you!! Thank you so much for reading and responding and encouraging me, it means so much to me!! I hope this e-hug is okay

I have been working really hard on my trauma (I've put in about 110 hours in 2020 into psychotherapy alone!) and I feel very proud of myself. I know I have a long way to go still, but I am so proud of how far I've come.

I could have written this, I have never discussed the details of my trauma with my other half ..I cannot get the words out I just become instantly upset even thinking about it. I guess I also have the fear of rejections a huge feeling of shame even though I was only a child.

It's bittersweet to know I'm not alone in this feeling. My therapist is the only person who i've ever been able to get it out to without having a panic attack or going away through dissociating. I did have a very healing experience telling my M and being comforted by her through my panic attack. I think that I will never again try to tell any romantic partners about what happened to me. It's just too hard to have those two worlds overlap 
The fear of rejection and feelings of shame are so immediate, I really feel for you.

What is rTMS treatment I have never heard of this?
It certainly seems to be helpful

rTMS is "repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation". It's similar to ECT but also very different. I'm awake during the procedure, experience no amnesia and one is allowed to drive or resume activities immediately after the procedure. A magnetic coil is placed over the left side of my head - it targets my left DLPFC region. The coil then repetitively sends a magnetic pulse, it sounds kind of like a woodpecker is knocking on my head. The whole thing takes about 20 minutes and I go every weekday for 30 sessions then will taper to twice a week for the remaining 6 sessions.

The procedure is FDA approved for treatment-resistant MDD and OCD. I think it is also approved for migraines? But there are studies proving it's efficacy for PTSD, epilepsy and some other conditions. The understanding is that people with MDD have reduced or badly-wired functioning in the left DLPFC region so the electromagnetic pulses cause temporary "virtual lesions" that disrupt those functions/wiring which are then re-wired by the brain's neuroplasticity. Pretty cool and confusing stuff in my humble opinion

Welcome Wic!! Hello to you and your dogs from America!  U・ᴥ・U (that's supposed to be a dog face haha)

Your situation sounds very tough and I feel for you, I resonated with a lot of what you shared. The pandemic causing one to live with a narcissistic parent again, the family history, on/off of medications and suicide attempts are all things that I have experienced, too. I'm also new to OOTS and find it daunting. I've found that being on here has helped me feel less alone and given me so many new resources to better understand myself.

I've been trying to find ways to deal with my narcissist and Dr. Ramani on youtube has been very educational. She is a specialist in narcissism and has given some very good tips. Of course, these tips aren't specifically for those of us with CPTSD so trying to practice these tips while triggered can be nearly impossible!!

In any case, I'm glad you're here with us on OOTS and I'm looking forward to seeing you around

[not]

I've never been good at journaling. After reading some very inspiring recovery journals on OOTS and gaining a better understanding the format of "replies as entries" it seems less daunting to me. Maybe I don't need to write an essay every time, maybe I can just write a few lines when I need to and that will be okay???
Tonight will be more of an essay, i think

I had virtual therapy today after a really difficult weekend. I had three memories from childhood come back. The last time I had memories come back was about 3 years ago and I am so angry with myself for how I handled that. How I acted 3 years ago has been on my mind today. The differences between then and now are hugely important to my recovery but I want to talk about 3 years ago.

The memories back then were about the CSA/SSA and much scarier than what I've remembered over the weekend. I coped back then by inventing problems and bringing lies into my relationship. I think I did that (lying, manipulation, shame shame *shame*) to be comforted by my exes and friends without having to face the awful reality of why I needed comforting and why I was struggling. I feel like i tried to invent another world for myself so I had to focus on keeping up the lie and could ignore the truth.

I am grateful that I don't have to be that way anymore. I know that person was me, but I do not know who she was. I never want to be her again. Sometimes I will catch myself in a white lie. It is so embarrassing to have to say "that actually isn't the truth" or "I misspoke" but I feel so much better once I've realigned myself with the truth. My inner circle is very graceful about it. I try not to worry about what the outer circle  thinks, so long as I am careful to not hurt anyone.

I've discovered that a lot of my lies and hiding come from having to hide my emotions growing up and having to hide why I was so "out of control" aka distressed. I have felt so much shame and felt that I would be rejected if I was truthful about my intense need for compassion. I especially felt I'd be rejected by romantic partners (aka people who were supposed to care about me differently than my friends) if I was truthful about the CSA/SSA.

In 2019 when I was finally truthful with ex 2 about my FOO and the CSA/SSA... well... I was certainly shamed and rejected again. Funny enough, ex 2 had majored in psychology and had been in an LTR with an abusive narcissist so i thought they would understand at least some of my situation. There had been a lot of signs that my ex would not understand, but I had ignored those signs and hoped for understanding bc of their background. Wrong!! I can laugh about it now because I know that the shame is not mine, that their ignorance is not mine, and that my need for compassion is perfectly acceptable.

I've learned so much about myself over the past year of going to twice weekly therapy with a trauma-informed therapist. I also have really noticed a difference from rTMS treatment (I have had 18/36 sessions). I've always swung between left-brain dissociation and right-brain dissociation depending on where I was in a depressive episode. In the past I've felt like I was either disconnected and floating through life or I was obsessive and distracted - but rarely present. Excerpts from Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving have taught me so much about how and why I experience dissociation the ways that I do. I think that the rTMS has "connected" the two halves of my brain and given a noticeable improvement to the  left-brain tasks one sees a dysfunction in with MDD. Not sure if the rTMS has effected my right brain, because I am receiving it for MDD and therefore the stimulation occurs on my left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex.

I just wish I had started treatment earlier. I always had a feeling I should be in therapy, but never knew how to "do it." In 2019 I was hospitalized 3 times for SI and MDD and that's when it all "clicked". Actually, it "clicked" in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) because it was specifically a women's group and we regularly discussed trauma-related issues. Despite living in a major city with good health insurance, I just couldn't find good help once I graduated from the PHP! I was also juggling a new job (my dream job!! I hope to return in 2021), an unhealthy and invalidating relationship with ex 2, and the death of a lifelong friend. When I decided to move states to live with my sister and pursue therapy full time everything changed. I feel so much more authentically me now. I feel like I have a future. I think this is a good place to end my journal

Thank you to anyone who made it all the way through this! I really value having this space.

Part of my wanting to share portions with my inner circle was because I want them to know how hard things are, to know what I deal with. They are not therapists and there is a balance between friends being friends and needing too much from them. I'm trying to figure this out.

Oooh, I see what you mean!! Thank you for helping me understand

I've also leaned heavily ("too heavily!!" says my inner critic) on my circle during the most difficult times. I've found that sharing articles or videos specifically for loved-ones of those who suffer has been very well-received vs. sharing my intense feelings/struggles. My two friends who are married to each other are able to handle hearing about my more intense symptoms whereas my two other supports prefer the articles or videos. Truly a balancing act!!! I hope that sharing this was okay, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and relate.


P.S. Thank you for the high compliment of my gift, that made me feel really good 

I think you're very strong for being okay with your place in your healing journey. I teeter between feeling okay with my journey and being devastated by where I am. I have being using some of Pete Walker's emotional flashback management strategies and this one made me think of what you said, I think you are doing a really good job of exemplifying this:
"13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become unadrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."
I can see your self-compassion in shelving the book. I can see your empathy and care for others in letting us know what was difficult and that we still may find the book useful.

I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

It can be so difficult to trust others in our lives to stay here for us - once someone knows, they can't un-know. Us with CPTSD have been hurt so deeply by interpersonal relationships that moving to a deeper level of understanding of this impact can feel unsafe. If you don't feel comfortable sharing with those in your life, maybe sharing the chapters or portions that you really resonate with on here could be helpful?

I second what Kizzie said - this is highly upsetting and even more so for ppl with CPTSD who never felt safe. There are a lot of rational ppl out there who know that you're doing is an appropriate reaction and what any sensible person would do. Hopefully your M is well enough to make the decision to ask him to leave for her own sake and your families. 

Thank you for the reply and hug dollyvee 
She has said she isn't going to broach the topic while she is sick (my F is *very* manipulative which drains her energy) but I believe as soon as she is well they will have the conversation. I'm not sure if he will leave on his own or if she will have to divorce him to make him leave. At this point she has spoken solely of divorce so I think her instincts are that legal proceedings are needed, but she seems ready. I'm remaining hopeful I'm so thankful for having the OOTS community during this time!

Him leaving seems to be the answer to a lot of things in terms of yours and your Ms health and well-being - do you think he would comply?   Is or would your M be on board with that?

Glad to hear you have therapy and that's terrific your M had the 1st vaccine shot and antiviral infusion - take that COVID!

"Take that COVID!" made me lol    thank you for the laugh!
M is definitely on board with F leaving! She brings it up to me often.
It's doubtful he would comply unless she serves him divorce papers but I know that it's a conversation she is planning on having with him. There was a period of time after his rehab in summer 2019 when he went to monthly therapy and marriage counseling. He was starting to turn a corner, then Covid hit and he slid back into all of his damaging behaviors. M sees this and isn't standing for it any longer. I think therapy has really helped her too, she is starting to validate the damage F has done which has never happened before. I'm trying to remain hopeful!!

So often I have  profound realisations about my life but rather than them sticking in my brain they are carried off on the wind.

Hi Bluegem! I feel this way too, thank you for summing it up so perfectly. I'm thinking writing a recovery journal on here will maybe help me with this, too? I get frustrated when I handwrite journals because oftentimes I try to look back for something specific and just can't *find it*, I think CTRL-F would be very useful for that 

Here's to new beginnings indeed! I truly hope your recovery journals will be everything you hope for 

Hello notalone! I love the emoticon decoration, so cute n.n

I also have a box of sensitive paperwork and journals, I really like the idea of putting a note to destroy the contents in the event of my death. I have a lot of fear that a family member will find things that I don't want them to see. Thank you for giving me this idea

In one of my posts you had recommended Unshame to me and I've been really enjoying it! I blazed through the chapter on forgiveness at your recommendation and then started the book from the beginning because I liked it so much. While I do not have DID, I do have DPDR so I find myself relating.

I just wanted to take a moment to truly thank you for sharing and to wish you and yours a healthy and successful 2021!

Hello and welcome! Thank you for sharing with us
I'm so glad you're out of that relationship and on the road to recovery, I hope we can continue to be a source of information and be a source of validation for you 

I'm sorry you have to experience this! It sounds exhausting on so many levels! I don't have much to say besides I feel for you, and hope things, both externally and internally, will calm down soon! I wish your dad would come to his senses about Covid 19. It certainly doesn't help having an attitude like that. I also hope your mum will pull through and only have light symptoms. Sending you lots of support and a hug if that's ok with you! 

Thank you so much for the virtual hug, validation and well-wishes 
My M is a healthcare worker and had received the first part of the 2 part vaccine about 1 - 2 weeks before getting sick and was approved for the antiviral infusion which she received on 01/01/2021, so I am trying to stay hopeful. For now her symptoms are light, but it has only been a week. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the symptoms remain light, so I really really appreciate your well-wishes for her. Thank you for the validation, it makes me feel really heard during a time when I feel so unheard

Is therapy something you could do for yourself perhaps? 

It sounds like you F will not adjust his behaviour but it's worth asking him to do so for yours and your M's sake. You could also put sanitizer and masks out around the house - he might  use them more often if they're readily available and it's easy for him to use them. One product I found that is really helpful for disinfecting surfaces is Zytec spray sanitizer - https://zytecgermbuster.ca/. 

Hi Kizzie! Thank you for your reply and validation. 
Fortunately, I started twice weekly virtual therapy in December 2019 to avoid driving multiple times a week due to the intense dissociation and medication side effects I was having. I've been able to continue with virtual therapy and have even seen a reduction in co-pays due to the epidemic changing benefits, I feel so fortunate that access to treatment is no longer a barrier for me.

It's so frustrating about having out masks, hand sanitizers and disinfectants because we have a basket of all these supplies on our main kitchen island. He just will not comply :c We have always had HEPA air filters throughout the house for my M's asthma and he regularly turns the one outside his room off because the white noise "bothers him".  At this point I am reminding him daily to wear his mask and use the sanitizers. My hypervigilance has been so keyed up that I'm disinfecting all surfaces every 2 - 4 hours anyways. *sighs forever*
This is why I feel like the only solution to keep us safe is for him to move out of the house.

[while he is symptomatic]

Hello everyone. I've been having a really hard time the last few days. My F behaved carelessly and recklessly and gave my M Covid-19. I feel like I'm a child again who can't keep my family safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I can't stay safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I have no one to keep me safe.



My M is a high-risk category for covid-19 fatality due to her asthma and age. My F has been sick since December 17th, 2020 with a bad cough and fatigue. He does not sanitize his hands or surfaces like all of us have been doing. He has been denying his symptoms. He has refused to get tested. He was not wearing a mask at home until my mom got her positive test back on 12/30/2020. He does not cover his mouth when he coughs or sneezes. He does not believe in masks, does not believe in Covid-19... yes he is one of those Americans. We overheard him bragging on the phone about being out in the community and taking off his mask to cough for reactions while he is symptomatic. There are no fines for not wearing a mask where I live so there are no repercussions for his behavior unless someone gets violent.

I hate his behavior. I hate living here. I feel so unsafe. I have been so terrified of my M contracting the virus and had so many anxiety attacks over it. I had a panic attack after she told me her PCR test was positive. I don't want her to die because of my F. In my late teens/early 20's I thought he would kill her bc of his alcoholic rages and now he might have. I hate this. I hate it here.

I want him to leave. I want him to get out of this house. My M should have divorced him two years ago but he spent 6 months in rehab for alcoholism so she let him stay. I want him out. I want her to start divorce proceedings as soon as she is well. I can't live like this anymore it's making me get so triggered all the time. I'm hyper-vigilant again. Emotional flashbacks multiple times a day. Intense anger.

I feel like I'm a child again and I can't escape this because I have nowhere else to go. He won't listen to anyone. Since my M's positive test he will wear a mask in house common areas during the day when people are more likely to see him and get upset and "bother him" but I've just seen him (it's 11 p.m. here) in the kitchen without a mask. I can hear him cough in his room and I can tell he doesn't cover his mouth. I'm so tired.

I need to go now but thank you for letting me talk.

Hi Toya, thank you for sharing!
I really relate to what you said about not remembering being hugged but remembering the bad things, my memories are like that too. I hope an e-hug from me is all right 

How do I stop all of this? How do I just be okay? I'm so tired.

I hope that writing to us and facing all these difficult things that weren't validated by your mother has helped ease the burden. Some people cope with life's atrocities through denial and I really feel for you because your mother's denial is hurting you. And I also feel for you because of what happened to you.
I wish I had more answers to your questions, but I believe that treatment for CPTSD will truly help you to be okay. I hope you are able to rest and recoup.
Please know that it's perfectly okay to write as much as you need to let it out, you did a really great job! I hope you can keep writing to us and sharing things that you need to share. We hear and accept your truth!