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Blueberry, I used to have the same little furries as you do!! Absolutely loved their gentle nature and funny socializations. Truly adorable creatures!
So happy to hear that imagination exercise is helpful, big ups to you for that accomplishment 

My T mentioned that it's important to take a break right away and do the exercise rather than thinking I "should" finish up what I'm doing first, which I tend to do. (There's that "should" again.)

I am in the same boat when it comes to wanting a break but feeling I "should" finish up the task. Thank you for inspiring me to take a break when I need it, this was particularly helpful for me today.
Sending you all the support for your continued success with the exercise

[1/8/2021]

1/8/2021 - Possible TW

Yesterday was tough. Painted for a bit, tried to stay out of my own head about it but was pretty unsuccessful. At least I painted though. Had a lot of bad dreams so I woke up really early today. My therapist thinks the SSRI could cause the terrible nightmares, she has noticed that whenever I try a new SSRI I report really bad nightmares. I didn't notice this about myself, but think it's accurate.


Trigger Warning - SI

Experiencing SI again, ever since I got to the maintenance dose of the SSRI. So I'm going to stop taking it. I was doing much better on just the mirtazapine and rTMS, didn't have SI. It's exhausting to have to fight against myself. They're coming into my mind every few minutes and I am so exhausted from talking myself down. I keep coming back to the though that this will never change, I will never change, I will never get better and. will never know peace or stability. I feel so overwhelmed. I really hate my living situation. I really hate that my FOO is so messed up and I'm back in the thick of it. I don't want to witness this anymore. I wish I could fly away from this situation and end up somewhere happy instead of dealing with this. I know I will feel better when the SSRI is out of my system and when I am able to move out of this house. But it is still so hard. I feel so trapped.

End Trigger Warning


Have spent a lot of time today distracting myself, keep feeling like it's sunset but it's only noon D:> I don't feel up to going grocery shopping but will try to make a list today. I did get my stimulus check and was able to pay down some of my credit card debt, which felt really good. I think having a better credit score will really help me to find a new apartment when I am able to move out of here.

Trying to be really future-focused today. Staying away from social media, the DC situation scares me too much. Lots of worry for my friends in the DMV. Just feeling so tired today. Tired, tired, tired. But of course I can't fall asleep for a nap. Oh well.


It's later in the day now. I was able to message my therapist and talk through some of the SI thanks to helpful comment reminding me how great my therapist has been. Had some trouble with dissociation, M found me in the kitchen trying to wash dishes... Luckily the sink didn't overflow while I was zoned out!!! Doing some meditation and stretches tonight. Anxiety is setting in about sleep... scared of the nightmares. Hopefully meditation & stretching will help. Trying to remain hopeful!

Hi Bella,
Thank you for the careful TW in your response, I really appreciate that. I was not uncomfortable or triggered by your frustration at all, it's the opposite in fact, I really feel for you.

How the * am I supposed to conquer this? I feel utterly helpless! One moment I want this, the next moment I want the total opposite. I guess this trait, really is the most severe dissociative symptom in me. The whole identity confusion thing.

I feel you you on this one, I used to swing wildly between what I want. Now that I'm a year into good treatment (have had troubles finding a good therapist) I feel more stable in my treatment goals. I think feeling helpless is a natural response given what CPTSD survivors have endured. I just want you to know that you're not alone on this journey and there is hope!! I believe in you, I can tell by your post that you are working really hard to overcome your struggles.

I hope that OOTS can be a huge resource for you, the "Self-Help & Recovery" board has really good info, I especially like the "Inner Child" board for ideas on reparenting myself. Sending you lots of love and light 

Hi Rogue, thank you for sharing with us, I'm so sorry you're in a bad place :c How are you doing now?

I also do not like SSRIs. I do take melatonin and have found  sublingual administration thru quick-dissolve tablets has been most helpful. I also take the melatonin 90 minutes before I want to sleep rather than the 20 minutes that the directions usually say. I do a melatonin schedule of 3 months on and 3 months off.

I've been taking Mirtazapine for the past year, it's a tetracyclic antidepressant, but I take it at night primarily for sleep. I've found it has helped me feel drowsy after I take it but does not cause drowsiness during the day. Actually, I just checked my meds journal: when I first started it I did experience daytime drowsiness at 15 mg so we dropped to 7.5 mg. After 10 days at 7.5 mg I increased to 15 mg and did not experience daytime drowsiness. I've found it reduces my nightmares. I do believe it has had some anti-depressant effects for me, especially on my intrusive suicidal thoughts. Here is the NCBI article on it: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519059/ if you'd like more information about it's anti-depressant effects.

I also had a good experience with taking Hydroxyzine (an anti-histamine) for my anxiety, specifically for my sleep anxiety. It helped calm my anxiety and made me feel drowsy after I took it at night. Once my sleep and anxiety became better I stopped taking Hydroxyzine and continued with Mirtazapine and Melatonin.

Really hoping you find something that helps, lack of sleep is the worst 

Hi Hope, congratulations on your 2021 journal!! 

When I was thinking about that dream, and what meaning it might have had, I did think about the fact that my own birth was difficult - it took a long time and must have been traumatic for both myself and for my M.  But somehow I didn't think it was related to that - even though the thoughts passed through my mind.  I thought it might be more about escaping something terrifying, and coming through it ok. 

I often have nightmares similar in theme to what you've mentioned. I have always thought mine were about escaping something terrifying (or not being able to escape). I had not considered that perhaps the dream could be related to my birth? I did not realize that birth could impart t. onto a child! Now I have a new topic to research, so I truly thank you for opening my eyes to this.

It sounds like you have put a lot of hard work into recognizing your triggers, that's awesome!! *high-five*

I guess I wanted to see some nice things written, about how meaningful a friendship or relationship might have been, even if it was only a fleeting time in the making.

This is actually something I had my childhood friends do! I don't have memories of it earlier than maybe 17 But have a photograph of the messages. Anyways, just wanted to sympathize with wanting to see nice things written from friends. It meant a lot to me. Also thankful that your post brought a sweet memory to my mind.

I recognise the stifled way of writing - that sometimes comes to me - and it's apparent now.  It's like I write as if I'm an Edwardian or Victorian instead of in the 21st Century!  Maybe it's not apparent to anyone else, but it's what came to mind to me - in this moment.

Personally, I really like how you write I think you are very adept at explaining situations and your feelings in a coherent way. I don't think it's old-fashioned or anything. Just wanted to drop some encouragement, I hope that the part who is annoyed by your writing doesn't get upset.

Asche, thank you for sharing. Very glad you are seeing a neurologist! I hope that they can give you some meaningful answers. I have heard of OSDD, which has "less intense symptoms than DID" (Wikipedia's wording) so very much it could be that OSDD is DID-lite??? Just a thought.

I just want to say that I hear you, I think you're very brave for recounting your story. Those things should have never happened to you. I am so grateful that you survived and are here on OOTS sharing your story.

Hi Bella, thank you so much for writing your post and trusting us with your experiences. It sounds like you are putting in hard work to better understand yourself and that is very commendable.

I want to give you a little bit of reassurance about your fear that you are "making it up":
I did not realize I was dissociating until I learned what dissociation is. I did not realize that many of my CPTSD symptoms were, in fact, symptoms until I learned about my disorders. Sometimes things can be going on beneath the surface that we don't realize are there until our attention is called to it.

Like you mentioned, woodsgnome, I've heard having an inward saying like love, peace, self acceptance, etc is important. But I just can't bring myself to do it cause the self loathing is to strong. I don't deserve feeling good about myself.

I also struggle with self-loathing. Perhaps a good place to start is just acceptance? Accept that you are experiencing alarming things. Accept that you are on a journey to understand yourself. Accept, even, that it may be a difficult journey (this one is hard!!). Perhaps reframing the goal from "feeling good about yourself" to "becoming more knowledgeable about yourself" will help? Especially because you mentioned that you like to get to the bottom of things

Just one question: when you feel you are zoning out, or have tunnel vision etc, is it mostly uncomfortable, or can it also feel ok in some sense?

I would describe my derealization as "zoning out". A lot of the time my derealization feels "okay" as in, nothing feels particularly wrong but I know that it's not right either. I can float through life like I'm half-awake. Tasks feel like they're months away or that they've already happened - this can be very confusing. Typically scary places are suddenly flat and not a threat. My emotions are of little consequence, nothing can sway me to positive or negative. Rarely do I even remember how I felt about something (or if I felt anything) while derealized. I find myself asking myself "is this my bed? is this my living room? is this my food?" etc. I think the biggest "wrong" for me about derealization is how confused I feel by relatively ordinary situations.

It is much less scary to me than depersonalization. I hate how I experience depersonalization and don't feel good enough to write about it too much in depth right now. However, something I experience is the feeling that my experiences are not my own and I'm "making it all up". Hope that tidbit can be of use because you have mentioned that.

A surprising finding of Van der Kolk's research was that a region in the left frontal lobe called Broca's area went offline when traumatized subjects experienced flashbacks. Broca's area is a speech center, and is similarly affected during a stroke. Reliving trauma shuts down people's ability to express what they are experiencing in words, just as in a stroke.
https://fortelabs.co/blog/the-body-keeps-the-score-summary/

Thank you for posting this NotAlone, you always have such great resources!!! I haven't made it to that part in TBKTS but this has given me a lightbulb moment in regards to a treatment I'm receiving (rTMS).

[this]

Hello Asche, I really relate to what you've written. Thank you for writing this, I feel so much less alone in my DPDR experiences.

I've been noticing a lot of times when I feel like a part of my "self" just goes to sleep for some period of time, which I mostly notice later, when I realize I've spent an evening or a day utterly out of touch with whatever I was supposed to be doing or had intended to do.  It's not like I can't remember that time, but it's like I was drugged or something suppressed who I am and was just running on automatic pilot, following my impulses.

I really relate to this. Time seems to run differently when I am dissociated. Even though I know I was at home and can remember being at home, the details fuzz out. What exactly did I do? Did I enjoy it? I just don't know. I find myself repeating tasks or not doing tasks at all and only thinking I've done them. The bit about the part of yourself going to sleep is such an accurate metaphor!!! Thank you for giving me the words to explain how it feels.

I'm not paying attention to the road and that that is dangerous, but it takes a real effort of will to pull myself back, and a few minutes or a few seconds later, I'm back to staring at, say, a tree or the sign on a building.

I think it's always been an issue with me, but back when I was working, the fear that I wouldn't get my work done and would get in trouble (fired, yelled at by my boss, etc.) would yank me back onto task.

I experience this as well, I had to stop driving for a period of time because the DPDR was just so awful that I either couldn't drive safely or I became too terrified to drive. When I realize that I've been "out to pasture" I work really hard to pull myself back in. I am always afraid, particularly in work settings or social settings. Afraid of consequences of being "away" mostly. It becomes an exhausting cycle of trying to hyper-focus out of fear, and then the fear & exhaustion become so overwhelming that I dissociate away from the stress of this existence.

Or, worse, that some other part of my mind is going to take over and erase my current personality, so that it will be as if it had never existed.

This sounds like an intensely scary thought, I really feel for you  (I hope the hug is okay)
Anyways, I just really relate to what you are saying and I thank you for being so truthful and brave to share your fears with us.

Is there a possibility of seeing a neurologist? Perhaps even to rule out or ease fears of a deteriorating condition?

Now he is able to do stairs to our upper level and everything is carpeted so it feels like he is  in 'stealth mode' again and seemingly just appears out of nowhere. Absolutely wonderful that he is making progress but oh my poor heart.   

I'm thinking of tying a bell on the railings top and bottom and asking him to give them a jingle when he heads up or down so I know he's coming. 

"stealth mode" is always a hilarious way to describe something! I like your idea of the bell jingle. It is really wonderful that he's making progress 

I've just seen this board and feel like I've found a great corner for myself!! I have both a very dark sense of humor or an extremely gentle sense of humor (think: animals doing a funny). Thank you for creating this space, I'm looking forward to reading through all the funny CPTSD happenings and adding my own

One funny instance I remember is from my stay at an inpatient psych ward. It just so happened that all the patients were there for worsening MDD & SI. During group I had remarked on rarely seeing anyone up and about and that the atmosphere was so much less chaotic compared to my previous stay. Without missing a beat another patient said, "well yeah, we all have depression." Needless to say we all cracked up.

Hi Alliematt,
Thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like you are juggling so much at the moment. Like Marta said, the anxiety and overload is palpable, you are a very talented writer!!

I'm tense, exhausted, stressed, and while I have good reasons to be tense, exhausted, and stressed, I feel guilty for it as well.

I think you are absolutely allowed to be exhausted. I think an important aspect of privilege is twofold: (1) knowing what advantages you may have and (2) knowing the hard work you have put in to overcome struggles that you face. I think you have done a very good job in identifying both.
The fact that you may have advantages does not take away from the fact that you still put forth hard work and effort to achieve all that you have achieved. While your hard work does not erase the advantages that that are bestowed upon you, your advantages don't erase the hard work you put forth in order to succeed.

I'm starting to think that maybe I could qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder.  I don't know.  I'm trying to get up the courage to call a new psychiatrist because my old one may be going out of business. And i need to do it soon because I'm running out of meds (I have enough to last me for the next few weeks.)

It can be so difficult to find a new psychiatrist and bring up the possibility of a new diagnosis, I really stand with you on this one. I have used a symptom tracker in the days/weeks/months that I have put off bringing something up to my provider, it's helped me have more of a place to start to say "See? I have been dealing with x,y,z for x amount of time." Wishing you all the courage and luck that the new provider will be what you need 

[1/6/2021]

1/6/2021

Was able to finally cry today! During therapy   It felt really good to be validated, especially about my anger. We talked a lot about my B. My therapist helped walk me through a lot of the confusion and guilt. I ended up agreeing that I do not have to forgive B and we can work towards other options for closure. Not sure what those are yet, but it feels like the right path.

Thumbs are healed from being picked at!! Did not pick at them last night due to feeling so depersonalized but I am trying really hard to not pick at them today and keep up the good streak. Finished a transcription and am very tired so I am going to reward myself with a nap or some TV time.


Night time. Learned what is going on in DC. Had a panic attack. My F is pro-Cheeto. Do not want to see him. Think I will be staying in my room for a while. I can't swallow my emotions anymore. I hate living in this country. I hate living in this house. I just want peace. I just want peace. I just want peace. Terrified of how my dreams/nightmares will be tonight. 

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for sharing and being so brave to share with us. I also experience intense and frightening dreams about my FOO, but I am never able to stand up for myself in them. I wish I could, though.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of very important and difficult work by coming to these realizations. I can see you are being kind to yourself by staying cozy. Will be cheering you on in all aspects 

NotAlone, I'm sending you support through the airwaves. Animals can be such a huge help. Here is a funny kitten face: ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎
I am posting the kitten to your journal in hopes it will bring some additional healing power to you.

It sounds like journaling brought up a lot, you were so compassionate to let yourself rest and take a break. I hope you are able to soothe your nerves tonight, will keep my fingers crossed that the whirlwind subsides.

[1/5/2021]

1/5/2021 (had to laugh at myself for typing 2020 and not even realizing until I posted)
I had a hard day today.
Feeling a lot of hatred toward B today. Can't stop the anger and hatred whirling in my head. Fighting with myself over the hatred. As usual, feeling intense guilt about having any emotions at all towards B. What am I supposed to feel??? I just can't figure it out.

M is very stressed, does not know what to do with B. Does not know what to do with F. I wish they would both leave. I am fearful that the stress will kill M or seriously hurt her health. Had a good memory with M come back and am feeling very emotional towards her and this scares me.

I'm waiting for new insurance to approve my TMS to continue treatment. I am feeling very frustrated at living here. I am feeling very frustrated that I am dependent on anyone, including doctors and insurance. I am feeling very stuck in hopelessness. Self-doubt is creeping in. So many nightmares, I'm afraid to go to sleep. I haven't been able to cry today. Just angry, angry, angry.

No researching today. No reading today. Nothing is comforting. Scared to sleep. I miss going to TMS. Worried about therapy tomorrow. What if I'm too far away to talk? It will be expensive for nothing. I want to cry about it but I can't. I am feeling farther and farther away from myself the closer it gets to bed.