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Hello Dear Hearts, just wanted to let folks know that I'm heading out on holiday for 2 weeks! Such a long time.  Going to see family  , pick up my kiddos from their dads  and then visiting friends  .
I know I've checked out for bits here and there, sometimes only being able to read, and not posting. I'm planning on checking in when i can, just not sure what that's going to look like, so wanting to let you all know.

I appreciate you all so much.



MB

I don't want to post this, to admit this, but I feel afraid that hiding it is only going to make it worse. I do things daily that are harmful to me--drink too much, smoke cigarettes, don't eat, eat too much, hate on myself, but last night I cut for the first time in decades. I was trying to create a timeline of the abuse, trying to make sense of things in my mind. I've only recently begun to remember things and it became overwhelming. I've had impulses to cut again since beginning to look at my childhood trauma (just started T about10 months ago). I cut when I was a teen. Trying to remember why--what I was trying to achieve. I've read the articles about SH and a lot of it fits.

Last night was impulsive. I understand I was seeking relief, but I'm so ashamed. I feel like it's an isolated incident. I don't want to tell my T and that's why I'm posting here. Keeping it a secret is only giving it power, just like all of the terrible things. I feel like I need to be accountable and my inner critic is running with it. I don't want to start looking at what it means or that it is an indication of worse. I want to believe it was because I was in pain. I made a poor choice and that's it.

It's another night without much sleep. There are many these days. I stayed in bed for an hour or so, my mind running, then finally decided I am not my best company and wandered around for a bit. Nothing feeling in any way soothing, I went down the rabbit hole of hating on myself joined by the myriad of negative beliefs I tend to hold, then I thought about OOTS. I could reach out. I thought I might post, but couldn't bring myself to comment on anything--I didn't feel like I had anything of value to offer. So I read and reread other's posts and started to feel a little less alone, less focused on my own distress. I thought if I began a journal then perhaps I can come here and tell someone when it gets to be too much. Sometimes it feels like I just need an anchor to be able to make it through--for someone else to know I'm drowning. I feel pretty alone in this most of the time.

I'm working with a therapist, who has really made a point to say she "has my back," and I believe she does, as much as I can. I see her twice a week. I'm also trying to work on a friendship I've had for around 7 years, someone dear. I never told her anything about my traumatic childhood or experiences until a few months ago--prompted by my T.  I never let anyone in and most of my relationships end after a few years. Somehow this one has stuck. She didn't run away or judge, she was kind and caring, but I still can't reach out to her when I'm in need of support. Trust is hard and being seen is terrifying.

So, here I am, grateful for the company and safe place to come out of hiding a little. Thanks for getting me through the night.

The sun is coming up. I think I'll make some coffee.

Hey there. I've been lurking for some months and finally gathered the courage to sign-in. Possible trigger warning ahead. 

I don't know where to begin, but the short of it is I developed CPTSD in childhood and began therapy (again after many years--I'm in my early 40's) last July--to get some perspective after divorce, job loss, emptiness, loneliness, spiraling down. I just couldn't pick myself up again and was feeling pretty desperate, afraid. My T asked me about history of trauma in our second appt.--I replied "That's irrelevant, i just need to figure out how to move ahead, get through this." 

Funny now, not really... 10 months later I have for the first time in my life started to share a little of my history--the pieces that are returning anyway. I'm starting to share the secrets that kept me locked and alone.  I was terrified if I looked, my past, my buried memories would destroy me. It's been, well...  I know you all understand, which is why I'm here. It's a whole new/old ride and I'm so tired of trying to do it alone.

I'm on a journey to find the me underneath all the trauma, the neglect, the sadness. Sometimes I feel like giving up, like I just can't do it. But I have read beautiful, brave words here written by folks who are walking the same path as me. I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your honesty, your bravery, your perseverance. Not sure how much I can participate, I'm feeling pretty fragile these days, but so appreciate you all.

Thanks for being here...  MoonBeam