Rainy Diary 2021

[Not Alone]

Thinking of you today. I'm guessing that you will have a lot of feelings. I hope that you experience some relief in leaving. I think that you are really brave.

[sanmagic7]

i say a big 'poo' on those colleagues.  they have no idea how much of the problem they've been.

thinking of you on your last day.  keep taking care - you're almost there.  love and hugs, rainy

[rainydiary]

Thank Armee, Notalone, and San.

I made it.

I am exhausted.

My going was marked by finding out I've been exposed to COVID. 

There were many interactions that I'm sure I'll think on later that continued to reflect the way my colleagues are.

For now, hoping my vaccine and masks and personal care keep me well.

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed and prayers flying that you stay well.  after everything you've gone thru in that place, being exposed to covid put the cherry on that cake.  i'm so glad you're out of there, done with those people.  sending love and a hug filled with rest and some well-deserved peace.   

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

Amen to your completion of a hard road. Your tenacity in doing so with the determination to learn lessons and observe all those feelings was extraordinary and deserves some kind of award. A milestone in your life!

My going was marked by finding out I've been exposed to COVID.

This takes a huge toll. I'm so sorry. My expletives are deleted but said out loud anyway. You can only do your best, which you've already done with vaccination and masking. Will continue to think of you as you endure the latest health threat.

[Blueberry]

  all of it!

rainy, I am SO glad you are out of that toxic place.

Here's hoping you don't have coronavirus. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, Bee, San, thank you, your words are much appreciated. 
..........

Today is weird. 

I had written up a second post on her last night that didn't get posted.  I will write more about that another as it was related to some final gaslighting conversations at my former job.

My husband found this outdoor concert for us to attend tonight.  I don't really want to go.  On one hand it feels inappropriate given that I was exposed to COVID.  I was told I don't have to quarantine and I haven't developed any symptoms.  I plan to mask as much as I can around others. 

I am just exhausted and I don't think he understands.  At some point the two of us do need to start living a joint life.  But I can't express to him how exhausted this former job made me. 

I am reminded that the only time I truly feel relaxed is when I am alone.  I need some time to process all that has happened and find a way forward.  I worry tonight will just be overstimulating.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i hope you made it thru the concert all right, but i totally related to the idea of something having been so tiring - look at all the mental and emotional acrobatics you've had to accomplish while you were there - that the aftermath is nothing but exhausting.  i hope you find time alone to just gather yourself to yourself, and regroup all your facilities in order to move forward.  that life together will come, but i think the idea of having time and space to process it all is right on the button.  sending love and a big hug to give yourself

[rainydiary]

San, it ended up being an ok time.  I know it meant a lot to my husband that we went.
..........
I am finding myself in a very emotional space.

It felt weird to not go to work today.  I found myself noticing the times that school started and ended.  I wondered if my absence was felt. 

I began packing today.  Over the weekend I also cleared out materials I have for work on Google drive.  I came across some papers I wrote in grad school.  My first thought was "Wow, this sounds smart, how did I write this?"  I found a paper I wrote for a counseling course I took and was taken aback how I butted against my trauma but didn't realize it.  I called my experience by a different name and yet couldn't quite put my finger on what I was grappling with back then.  But I knew something was off even then.

I am reminded how difficult packing and clearing out stuff can be.  I feel emotion simmering under the surface.  I'm not feeling up to facing it all.  I think I am still in my grief process.  And I am grieving a lot of things as always. 

I came to my journal today because I am still waiting for retaliation from my colleagues.  I imagine they all have bigger issues than me at this point. 

But I have so much to process.  Even on my last day, the individuals that I had the "beginning of the end" conversation with in May had to get in their last jabs: "We know you had to deal with decisions you didn't like" and "We just want you to be happy" while getting misty eyed.  I don't even know what I said to them.  I rambled because I was in a way trying to make them feel better. 

*sigh*. It is going to be such a process to recover. 

[Armee]

It's almost like the beginning of the grieving process can start now, Rainy, because the work-related trauma is now in the past. Barely. But it's there behind you.

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

This here:
"Wow, this sounds smart, how did I write this?"

You wrote it in a time & place when you had total focus on the subject. All your talents are still there, just more experiences added.

Your days will shift & change as you adapt to this new phase-it may be surprisingly good.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate these thoughts.  I am still navigating this shift.

Bee, thank you.  My time is different now and it is currently disorienting but I think right where I need to be for now.

.........

I haven't been sure what to say about this week.  I'm not sure if I've been dissociating or if there is just an absence of drama that is extremely unfamiliar.  I'm not sure how I feel right now generally.  It is more neutral than usual.

I had a dream last night about a person I loved and knew a long time ago.  It is interesting that of all the people in my past, I dream of him fairly regularly.  This dream was distressing as in it his focus and attention were elsewhere and I desperately wanted to communicate my feelings to him. 

I feel extremely sad by this dream.  This is a person I haven't seen in about 20 years.  We've kept in touch and yet I'm not sure what I am holding onto with him.  He saw me and treated me with kindness and respect and that was so rare it was such a gift.  I think I regret not being able to engage more with his offerings and attention because I was doing all I could to hold it together.  And now this dream feels like my mind and body are starting to let go of him and it is making me so sad.

I have packed a bit more this week and have been trying to consider what I hope my new home and life will be like.  It's hard to think of it too much as I am still in my current home for the foreseeable future. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,

Your dream does sound sad, and brought up sad feelings for you.  I relate to preciousness of someone who has been kind and respectful and how great a gift that is - I'm not surprised you would want to hold onto that.  It makes sense. 

You've had a massive shift to negotiate with leaving your job, so many things to process regarding that.  I hope you're ok, and I wanted to offer you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, thank you.  I appreciate your comfort and support. 
.........

I am feeling grumpy.  Today a lot of memories my Inner Critic associates with being a "failure" are coming up. 

I keep waiting for some unnamed authority figure to come in and tell me I'm in huge trouble. 

My mood is making me less patient with my husband.  We are in very different places right now - I just want to chill and be left alone where he needs to do things to recharge for work. 

I hope to find some ways to show myself caring and to tone down the ICr. 

[Not Alone]

I wondered if my absence was felt. 


*sigh*. It is going to be such a process to recover.

Based on things you have written in the past, your absence is felt by the students who experienced your care.   

Give yourself lots of space and kindness.