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Dark are the roots of trauma. It grows from a small seed of doubt and germinates.  It seems easier to lay in the shadows than to risk being trampled on again.  The ground we have grown from is harsh unforgiving and unloving.  We could not see the sun during our trauma.  The only light we had was found within. 

Somehow we managed to grow.  As each ring of our lives developed we became more sturdy.  Even with this stability, came a ripening uneasiness.  We knew how our hope, self esteem and and sanity could be whittled away.

In the past our flowers were plucked.  Our fruit was stolen, and yet we continued to branch out.  The lessons we learned are with us throughout the sprouting of our lives.  A forest has weathered the trauma. Now like the redwood we stand tall. Together we show strength from our pasts.  In our cultivation we seek to recover our hope, self esteem and sanity.  Dark are the roots of trauma, but we have found the light. 

- By: Deep Blue

[Panic attacks]

Panic attacks

The emotions rise within my chest
They grow in size and will not rest
The choking feeling holds me tight
It's too late I've lost this fight
With each breath the tension builds
Till it has hit its emotional fill
My breath is short and head throbs
Grounding now becomes my job
My tortured nerves recall the pain
With each flash they take past blame
I feel as if I can't take more
And yet the body keeps the score
Breathe out the tension
With each past reflection
My body feels like it is breaking
My stomach and hands won't stop shaking
The world flexes and starts to bow
At last my surroundings begin to slow
I count down breaths till it finally ends
Please don't let me get one again

- By: Deep Blue

Does anyone else get body memories? I'm so frustrated with mine.  I tend to get a throbbing feeling in my lower back when I'm talking about or reminded of my trauma.  It can be debilitating.  I can't take a full breath, it throbs so much.  If I were a cryer (I'm not) I would cry they hurt so bad.   

The other one I get is in my stomach.  It's a cross between feeling I will throw up to and stomach cramps. 

I just want to know if anyone else has these? Sometimes it's hard to work on progress when the body memories keep popping up to remind me of the past. 

[T]

My life is a tangle of knots.
The stories I tell you
Anger and sadness
Needs and desires
Grip on reality
Lies that I created
Emotions from my past
Disturbing images and dreams
I continue to create these knots.  I hold the tangle tight because it is better than becoming unraveled.

-Deep Blue

[The Face I Show You]

 The Face I Show You
You are in blissful ignorance of my struggle.
You could never imagine what I have been through.
My past is worse than any story you could imagine.
So I protect you from the truth.
I keep you in the dark from the seething pain in my mind.
I keep you at arms length.
Maybe we don't know each other at all.
I have carefully chosen the face I show you.
In a way I tricked you into loving me.
If you really knew me I'm almost certain you would see me as I see myself.
I am angry because you don't ask.
I am angry because you don't know to ask.
I hope you like the face you see.
It is crafted just for you.

About 5 months ago, my T had me make a list of triggers/things I avoid.

The next step was to take baby steps and see if I could make some of those triggers more tolerable.  I was able to do that pretty easily with a couple of the triggers.

Then about 2 months ago We tried to tackle my biggest trigger.  We hadn't even really started but I SNAPPED.  I dissociated for an agonizing 3 days and went back to unhealthy coping strategies.  It was a mess and I do not want to do that again.

For the last week and a half I have been feeling much better.  I feel strong and in a good place.  So I told my T I was open to trying exposure again.

She said great! Then asked if I wanted to tackle my 2nd biggest trigger. I thought about it and then asked if she thought it would hurt me, or set me back to try. 

She replied this:  What do you think? We tried it once before but it turned out it was too early. What is something you feel you are ready for? You need to challenge yourself but not overdo it.

So now I'm second guessing myself! Does anyone have any advice here?  I don't want to set myself up for failure but avoiding some of my triggers is a nearly impossible task.  Help! 

Does anyone else get triggered frequently by TV?  I wasn't sure where to put this particular post, but my abuser was a sadistic narcissist... so I hope it's ok to put it here.

** Trigger warning (cross between physical and emotional abuse) **



One of my "punishments" was to be put in the trunk of a car.  If I performed poorly in athletics... I had to ride home in the trunk.  I still struggle with this.  So many TV shows seem to have someone in a trunk... they are being kidnapped, hiding, a dead body... blah blah. 

Looking back I wonder why I never fought this punishment.  I quietly got in the trunk when I was "in trouble."  I was so ashamed... I knew disobedience would lead to a worse punishment so I just did it.    I look back and realize how abnormal this was.  The trunk got hot sometimes and that 15 min drive home sometimes seemed to take forever.  I still don't like tight spaces     I could have died!  What if we were in an accident??

This is the first time I have admitted this happened to anyone except my T.  I'm taking a deep breath here before posting this...

This is a strange anniversary, but it's one that I struggle with every year.  My former best friend's birthday is coming up.

The reason it is such a bad anniversary is because of the severe physical abuse that happened that night.

Trigger warning ****


That night I was drug by the hair across a room, beaten till I could no longer stand, then I was yanked up by the hair and struck repeatedly with a belt, and kicked in the stomach over and over.  It was the worst night of my life.  The abuse was so bad that I passed out.  Usually I didn't pass out because I had learned to dissociate. 

Now around this time every year I struggle. At night I'm wrecked with nightmares... I can't sleep.  Each time I close my eyes I'm being hit... then I wake up with a panic attack.  In the day time, my body reacts as if I'm covered in bruises. I ache and tend to use self harm as a crutch... to remind myself which pain is real and which is in my mind.

What do I do? Saturday is the anniversary and I'm already feeling awful... will this anniversary ever effect me less?  Will I ever stop having nightmares about that night?  Even writing it here makes me feel like I'm going to throw up...  (sorry that's all I have in me right now)

I had a very scary moment today.  I would say that I have not been actively suicidal since age 17.  I'm am 35 now, and though I have numerous CPTSD symptoms, suicide ideation has not been one of them. 

I always had a reason.  It used to be a friend, she was my reason.  Now my reason is my son.  This morning, I had to make an emergency appointment with my T so I was late going in to work.  My husband takes my 4 year old to daycare and I pick him up everyday.  I didn't want him upset so I hid this morning as my husband scooted him out the door.

Then this gut churning thought hit me.  My husband and him do this dance each day.   Maybe they don't need me after all?  By the looks of this morning, they are just fine without me.  Then came the Suicide ideation.

My T assured me that it was ok for the thought to enter my mind.  She said I'm not suicidal because the thought was upsetting to me.  I hope she's right.  I've never been good at putting myself first... so I live for others... I've been in such a bad emotional flashback that my judgement is clouded.   

One more drink,
Let it wash away the emotions.
One more cut,
So I can release the pain,
One more pill,
It will lower my heart rate.
One more lie,
Keep the secrets buried.
One more day,
Tomorrow will be better.
One more panic attack,
I can't do this anymore.
One more promise,
A pledge to take better care.
One more slip,
The cycle begins again.

-by: Deep Blue

I have not been ok since Thursday.  I'm supposed to be writing, reading, and talking about one of my biggest triggers... belts

It wasn't until Thursday's therapy session that I realized I wrote about it, but never used the word "belt". It was like I had used distancing language to make it easier on myself.

I hate belts. The trigger is oddly specific. The belt has to be lying on the ground, or it has to be somewhere i don't expect to see one. They have to be leather and dark in color.  The jingling sound makes me swallow my heart. 
She used to wrap it around her hand... once, twice while holding the buckle. I knew the drill. I lifted my shirt, leaned over the back of the couch, bit my lip and would receive blows to my lower back. Usually I was given a number.

Once I got used to this punishment I got better at dissociating. I would stare at the wall, dig my nails into my hand and force my mind to go elsewhere.  I still get flashbacks even though it was 15 years ago. 

I'm still raw from Thursday's therapy. I feel like I have depersonalized.  I'm not any emotion. I'm not mad, sad, scared... just numb. 

I tried to self harm to feel again... still numb.  I just mostly feel sick to my stomach and exhausted. The world is fuzzy and has been since Thursday.