Ronini's Journal

[Ronin]

OK, I'm tired of not knowing what is real and what is simply a figment of my imagination that has been perverted by decades of abuse and distrust.

I feel sorry for those who have been involved with me who have been subjected to my accusations that stem from my belief that everyone is going to hurt me because I'm not good enough.

I've found myself contemplating repeating past mistakes just so that I don't have to feel the pain of not having the attention that I crave ignored. All the while knowing that the end result will be that I'll still feel alone and ignored, but in a far worse situation than I am.

This is all so crazy.

I keep myself in relationships that are less than satisfying just so that I can have the crumbs of attention. Geez, I was ready to propose to a woman who claims that she loves me when it suits her needs just so that I don't have to face the reality of the situation. Just so that I don't have to deal with the thoughts that plague my mind.

I've done that once actually. I married a woman that I didn't love just because she claimed to love me. That marriage was 5 years of horror. She ended up leaving me for some guy that she met online.

I'm so tired of being suspicious of others. I'm tired of worrying. And, I'm tired of feeling guilty about all of it when I learn that my suspicions, accusations, and worrying were unfounded.

All of this is new to me. I'm just beginning to learn mechanics of it all, and I haven't even begun to delve into the emotions behind it; but I'm tired of feeling these things.