Starting my journal

[Blueberry]

Good to know you were heard by GP and that you're feeling better. I love that you got a giggle over the pigeons. That kind of thing bucks me up too   at least if I've got back to a point where I can appreciate it.

[holidayay]

Hi all, hope everyone has been keeping well in the lead up to christmas. Its not always an easy time, is it? For me, I feel like I've 'given up' on anything festive. Which is different compared to the first 10 years after leaving home when i was so excited to create a new life and new traditions. I was very creative, did lots of different things every year for christmas.
Since losing my sister and friends from the past however, for the past few years, I've lost that enthusiasm. Its felt like: what is the point? I already experienced a childhood with miserable holidays, tried everything afterwards to redo that and it worked for a while and now I can't be bothered to do a new renaissance of it all. Which is self-defeating, I know. I have been contemplating getting a small christmas tree, to start small, again, baby steps? Its like I have to redo and learn through trial and error on everything and i am tired of re-learning.

I have also had recently another episode of 'emptiness'. I never really understood this when i was younger, iI just knew it came on every so often as complete emptiness, nothingness, almost death-like feeling. I read on here in another of the sub forums its called 'abandonement depression' and somebody linked an article by Pete Walker about it that blew my mind with its accuracy. I really like his material, it is so accessible in a reader-friendly way. I had really sunk into the depression in the last few days, same as when i did when i was a kid, isolating myself and getting swept up in the feelings and thoughts. I didn't even want to leave the house so i asked my therapist if we could have our session yesterday via Zoom and he agreed, and was really kind. I didn't want to talk at all, at the beginning of it, I just wanted to hide. But, it really did help.
This morning, I've cleaned up my flat and lit some candles, and got a hot water bottle. Its really cold here in the UK, and a bit gloomy, but I think a bit of cosiness always helps and can make winter enjoyable, too. I think every season has its appreciable things, if i allow myself to dip into them, as well as the downsides. Its much better than allowing the downsides to feed into susceptibility to low moods and misery, I think.

I'm thinking of going for a small run, too. I always forget how useful natural endorphins can be to blow off the cobwebs. I went for a walk yesterday, despite REALLY not wanting to, and I must say, I had increased energy by the end of it.

Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts today. Its not been an easy few weeks, but I'm learning to be proud of myself and not feed my brain with extreme criticism and shame. I managed to work quite a bit of extra shifts, and enjoyed them too, and my juniors said they really enjoyed working with me, which was lovely to hear. I've now saved up a bit of money as a result and feel proud of myself for taking care of myself to ensure I can feel safe and have resources. I read somewhere a long time ago 'do something today that your future self will thank you for' and that always stuck with me, when I went for things that i may not have particularly felt like doing at the time. Taking on the extra shifts using this mentality was really helpful, when i get paid and i can put the money into savings, it makes the morning blues on the days  i wake up early to go to work just fade into the background - though it feels so real and debilitating, feelings really are just transient and not a reflection of things so i'm proud of myself for not giving into them and responding in the negative ways they urge me to when i have them - shame myself, isolate myself, sabotage myself, give up on myself, not do the things that will enrich my life.

Wishing everyone a happy holidays and a gentle christmas to us all 

[milkandhoney11]

Holidayay,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with bouts of abandonment depression recently, I know how hard it is to cope with this overwhelming sense of emptiness and dread. It requires immense strength to reach out of this death-like state and I think you're really brave to still continue to persist at work and seek the help from your therapist.
When this happens to me I tend to just hide away from others and sabotage myself but I hope that I can learn from you and take a little bit better care of myself, especially as Christmas approaches.
So far, I have always coped reasonably well with the Christmas season. I didn't necessarily like it because it made me very much aware of all the drama within my family and there have been many nasty arguments, but this is the first time that I am actually scared of what the next few weeks are going to bring.
At least, it's good to know that I don't have to go through this completely on my own and that there are people like yourself out there who understand how difficult this time of the year can be
Thanks for making me feel less alone with this

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I hope you enjoy your run, if you decide to do one.  I know you enjoyed the walk, and it was nice that you had more energy as a result of that - and kudos to you for doing it, when you didn't necessarily feel like it beforehand.  I think that's great.

Wishing you the best for the holidays and hoping that you have some nice experiences during those times.

Hope 

[holidayay]

Holidayay,
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with bouts of abandonment depression recently, I know how hard it is to cope with this overwhelming sense of emptiness and dread. It requires immense strength to reach out of this death-like state and I think you're really brave to still continue to persist at work and seek the help from your therapist.
When this happens to me I tend to just hide away from others and sabotage myself but I hope that I can learn from you and take a little bit better care of myself, especially as Christmas approaches.
So far, I have always coped reasonably well with the Christmas season. I didn't necessarily like it because it made me very much aware of all the drama within my family and there have been many nasty arguments, but this is the first time that I am actually scared of what the next few weeks are going to bring.
At least, it's good to know that I don't have to go through this completely on my own and that there are people like yourself out there who understand how difficult this time of the year can be
Thanks for making me feel less alone with this

You are most definitely not alone in this, and I'm so glad my post helped you. Here is the article on managing the emptiness that comes with the abandonement depression that really helped me:

https://www.eastbaytherapist.org/article-blog/849536

It really is such a terrible feeling. I'd say the worst of all the different facets of CPTSD.

I've slowly come out of it over the last few days, but my god, when it was there, it felt like it would be forever and there is no hope at all.

I did something else today guys, quite a big step for me - I started sharing my story on youtube! Anonymously, and I don't have any kind of following or anything like that, I just had this sudden urge to start verbalising it and sharing it when i went for my morning run. My friend had been telling me for a few years now that it would be really great and it suddenly felt right today. I wasn't even nervous, and actually, once I got talking, I couldn't stop. I hope it helps in my healing but also, just to put it out there for other people who have experienced such a thing and to have someone to relate to, I know I wished I had more videos like that when i first started on my healing journey. So proud of myself

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,
I hope you enjoy your run, if you decide to do one.  I know you enjoyed the walk, and it was nice that you had more energy as a result of that - and kudos to you for doing it, when you didn't necessarily feel like it beforehand.  I think that's great.

Wishing you the best for the holidays and hoping that you have some nice experiences during those times.

Hope 

Thank you so much, I went for the run today for over an hour and loved it

[holidayay]

I've woken up from such horrible dreams consistently depicting people ignoring my pain and injuries, people i loved, even when i am screaming and showing them my injuries.
I'm trying to not shame myself but i really don't know how to soothe myself this morning. I felt depressed and sad.
I don't want to get out of bed, really.
The cold weather is not making it better. I really dislike the winter months with the short days. It makes it harder to summon up the will to do anything.

[CrackedIce]

Ugh, I hate that feeling. I had a horrible dream last night as well, a recurring one that I haven't had for a long time. 

A few things that work for me to get out of a morning funk - a warm cup of something (I prefer coffee) and a cozy tv show, wrapped up in a blanket, trying to regulate breathing and distract my thoughts with the show.

Hoping your day turns out great!

[Armee]

 

[Not Alone]

Sharing your story on youtube is a very big step. Wow.

I hear how heavy life feels right now. The cold weather makes it more difficult for me too. I'm impressed that you got outside for a walk. Maybe I'll try to do that tomorrow whether I feel like it or not.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Wishing you the best for 2023, and hope it's a positive year with some nice things in it.


Hope 

[holidayay]

Happy new year everyone! Thank you for your replies.

Do people find unexpected emotions come up during the holiday periods?
I really felt that this year. Usually, I can sort of predict what situations will trigger me, but this one really took me by surprise. I'm not sure what I was expecting, I don't think I was expecting anything, actually.
23rd December, my friend drove us to our old town - another friend of mine had said I could stay at her place and after spending the evening together, it would be free from christmas eve to the 27th. An old colleague of mine was hosting a big dinner on christmas day for all the doctors who can't go home, so I thought I'd go to that.
Instead, after intially enjoying an evening with my friend on the 23rd, I started feeling very depressed and rapidly declined. Dreams were horrendous, I had sleep paralysis and the 'exploding head syndrome' (loud bang in my head as i fall asleep) and constant, racing thoughts. It was so awful. I don't know how it came on so suddenly and so quickly, and just completely engulfed me. I ended up cancelling on the christmas dinner, and spent much of the 24th, 25th and 26th just scrolling through social media, trying to block it all out. Not looking after myself at all. I ate utter junk, didn't shower and felt so miserable and anxious at the same time. I was able to see a good friend on the evening of the 26th before leaving late at night and coming back home. I had a work shift the next day, which was okay, and since then I've felt the hangover of whatever that weird episode was over the christmas period.

My dreams have been so heavily emotional. Horrible scenes of me being unwell, suffering with freaky dental problems (i won't go into detail and potentially scare people reading this!) and having my previous colleague who was very unsympathetic to patients turning up as the doctor who would treat me and me freaking out and begging for anybody else.
I really don't know what to do with all the emotions as the result of all of this. Therapy started up again after 2 weeks' break and it really isn't helpful to have gone so long without therapy. I get they want their holidays but my patients don't suddenly have their treatment stopped to accommodate for 2 weeks' holiday for the treatment provider, so why should it be any different with us? I feel like the suffering went to unnecessarily high levels without the support and now I have to work to come back down to any kind of baseline. Its so maddening to me why there's constant messages of 'no support for you' available so readily for us, inadvertently or not. My nervous system doesn't really respond to festive holidays, I feel like I have lived in a war zone the past few weeks.

Its not fair. What is supposed to just be a straightforward few days seeing family and friends becomes an unnecessary cauldron of terror, depression and darkness. I believe the UK society is one of scarcity and lacking in community too; people don't really invite each other over so much unless its 'close family' and even then, from what i hear, there's always some sort of weird passive aggressive behaviours or other such toxicity. My parents' heritage is Middle Eastern, where I grew up observing the other side - people in that community would consider celebrations for everybody - the more the merrier - there was always more food than there were people to feed, and kids running around, and its harder to feel so stuck in your own thoughts. I wish I'd had a different Middle Eastern mum who hadn't ruined all of this.
Anyway....I'm feel pretty negative and despondent now. Quite scared, nervous and hopeless. Again. I don't know how many more times I can get through these hideous cycles. It feels treacherous. Especially in the winter - with the gloomy, dark exterior seemingly confirming the tempting dark thoughts of anxiety and depression. I can't wait until January is over, already.

Not a very positive new year's message at all, I know.
Nevertheless, I'm holding onto the hope that this always passes and wishing you all a happy new year. Hope you all had at least some rest during the holidays

[CrackedIce]

I'm sorry your holiday break turned out so triggering... I've definitely had bouts of flashbacks around the holiday seasons.  It's almost as if the mind keeps some of these things in storage until we have a few days away to unleash on us.

Hoping you're able to navigate your way through it and find some positive energy on the other side!

[holidayay]

I'm very anxious today.
My dreams keep bringing up new scenarios now. Therapist says this is good progress, that my brain is 'working through things'.
The dreams have emotions that are so exhausting, however. I dreamt today of my very mean mum - trying to bond with me, stroking my hair, asking why i don't talk to her about anything. I was anxious and my heart was pounding the whole time in the dream, I could feel the rush of the cognitive dissonance thoughts that i could never actually say to her - the times i did, she would erupt in fury and it would be WW3 and then I'd face that dark loneliness all over again. I so wanted to trust in her and believe in her in the dream, but my nervous system said otherwise. I've been awake about about 15 mintes since this dream and my heart is still pounding, i feel sick and my stomach is doing flips - my mind facing.
I don't trust her, that's why. To me, she is danger. That;s how my nervous system registers her. And he confusion of trying to disbelieve my body and my reactions and my thoughts to just switch into a different trust state with her, is not authentic at all. I don't remember a single moment in my whole life where i trused her. Even from my earliest memories, i remember feeling frightened and anxious of her.

Yesterday my dream was about my sister, who always wanted me to listen and help her but who would want no part in my life when i needed help. I felt such loneliness and despair when she would behave like that. In my dream, I had had enough and when she started disappearing to not listen to me, i followed her and her partner and told them i would not leave until they heard me out. That they needed to sit and listen and understand - that they should close their pictures and imagine what it is was like - as a detailed doing the same behaviour to them as they did to me. Again, in the dream i felt distraught, abanoned, depressed and lonely, with my heart pounding - and i woke up with a hangover of the same feelings. I was able to ring a friend and talk it through, which was helpful.  and i'm trying to remember my therapist's words that my brain never wants to harm me, but is doing everything it can to protect and help me to heal - but in having these dreams, showing m these images, i am reliving the pain and misery and terror all over again and it feels brutal on my nervous system.

I haven't been able to do much the past few days as a result. I ran myself a bath and lit some candles yesterday, which was nice. I walked to the shop to get myself some nice food. Did a bit of cleaning here and there, when i could. Did a laundry cycle and hung up the clothes. Replied to some life admin emails. Cleaned up my cat's litter and made sure she was well fed. And then just mostly read, and slept. I've been sleeping a lot as i just feel so, so exhausted, all the time. I wonder if the weather and season is contributing to this - January is definitely my least favourite month. I'm already counting down the days until its over.

I have some more cleaning left to do and plans to go for drinks with friends later. Right now, it feels impossible. But I know I will feel better for it. Its just getting there that will be tricky, and motivating myself to get up and get ready. My therapist says we have identified connection always helps me, even though it feels scary to go towards it. So I'm trying to remember these words. But oh boy, it does feel big and scary to get up and do anything right now.

I feel fully anxious, and depressed, as i did when i was young and helpless. I know I am safe now, I am not where i was, its a different time and I'm no longer in danger. My friends are really good at repeating this to me now. I'm lucky i have such understanding friends. I just wish the journey would start getting easier, and stay easier for a longer period of time than brief moments of relief.

[holidayay]

The anxiety has subsided a bit, and the depression taken over. I haven't done much in the past 2 days at all. Mostly overslept, overate...and not really much else. I haven't had the will to bring myself to push against it. I did manage to go to a GP appointment and my therapy appointments yesterday, actually, which I guess I should be proud of, considering how low and hopeless i felt.
January being my least favourite month isn't helping, Its so gloomy, and dark. I need more sunlight and sunshine.
I had enough this evening and pushed myself to go out with a friend to check out a venue in a really nice area near to me, for her fiance's birthday next week. I so didn't want to leave the house at all, but managed it in the end. It wasn't easy, i felt pretty miserable on the bus with lots of dark, hopeless thoughts. But getting out did help it lift, a little bit. We had a drink and some nibbles and the venue was really lovely. Stayed for 2 hours and was happy to get back, the change of scene somehow definitely makes being home a bit better compared to just staying here and festering.
I'm hoping tomorrow i won't just stay in bed all morning and have multiple naps, but actually leave the house. My friend from work and i said we might hop on the train go check out a really nice area tomorrow where some of the Royals live, I think that might be nice. Blow off some cobwebs. Though I am worried I'l drag along with me my dark cloud of depression.

I can't wait for this month to be over and for Spring to slowly appear again.....