Messages

Thanks Kizzie for reminding me (us) of the importance of good self-care.  I'm not sure where I read it, but someone, somewhere out there said something like you'll know you're healing when you are taking better care of yourself.  Since my tantrum was relatively short-lived, I'd say I'm healing.  Thanks to everyone for being here and giving much needed support.

Donna, I private messaged you before I read your post from today.  You'd asked about dealing with different parts.  I wasn't sure we were talking about the same thing, but I see now that we were--structural dissociation!  Yay.  Fun.  No, but it's so nice to hear others' stories about how they experience their parts and how they interact with them.

I've got an angry male teen part who tries to act tough to help protect my littler parts.  He's often frustrated that he's not strong enough to stand up to the adults who are hurting the little ones.  I asked him his name and he said it is John.  I thought, "Well, that's kind of boring. Can it at least be Jon without the h?"  I think at the back of my mind I felt I was making John up, so if I were, why couldn't I have come up with a cooler name, right?  Nope.  John.  I found that whole interaction/thought process funny.

A member of OOTS named Hope mentioned a book by Janina Fisher called Healing the Fractured Selves of Trauma Survivors that is an excellent source of information about structural dissociation and how it's best treated by Internal Family Systems-based therapy.  It's been a huge source of help to me.  Huge.  I highly recommend it if you haven't already read it.

My husband was able to get the pharmacy to give me three days' worth of meds.  I took my first dose last night.  I've got to call my GP on Monday and 1) make and appointment and 2) see if they'll give me a prescription to cover at least the time up until my appointment.

I'm still thinking I may try to get off of the meds the right way and under doctor's supervision.  We'll see, I guess.

Yes!  Libby, I'm glad you shared about not picking up your meds.  My pharmacy is a very short walk from my house and I still have trouble getting myself to go in and get them.  I have friends who can't understand why it's so difficult, so it's so good to hear from someone who gets it.

Hang in there, Donna.  Keep coming here.  It helps with the feelings of isolation, I find.  Befriend those inner ego states.  Get to know them.  As I understand it, each is there to help even when the help appears to be anything but helpful.  The way they initially helped may no longer be helpful, but that was never the intent.  I hope that makes sense. 

Glad you're here.

Thank you all for the responses. 

Libby, it is such a complicated path to navigate!  I don't necessarily feel like the meds were keeping me from dealing with the big stuff, but I do have to say I'm experiencing a greater clarity in all the things I've sort of allowed in my life but am determined not to any longer--relationship and child-rearing stuff mostly.  In other words, I want more and no longer feel I can accept less.  However, it's a bit premature to say it's because of not being medicated

San, thanks, as always, for the kind encouragement.  I made use of a suicide text line at the start of all of this.  Called a hotline once years ago.  Both times I came away feeling like a hapless character in a dark comedy.  Won't stop me from reaching out in the future if I find myself feeling so desperate again.

Deep Blue, it's been a disaster for sure.  Thanks for the good luck wish. 

Kizzie, you're absolutely right, but...  (wait for the unreasonable reason)

My T is back so we were able to speak.  She asked the reason I feel like staying off the meds.  (She isn't a fan of me going off.)  I didn't have a good reason except anger at the situation, my dread of seeing and even calling doctors, and my frustration with the U.S. medical & insurance systems.  She pointed out that I have a tendency to turn anger inward and hurt myself.  I did hear myself say if I could walk into the local drugstore and pick up the medicine off the shelf today, I'd be taking it.  So...basically I'm throwing a temper tantrum, it seems.

Even so, I'm still not sure what to do.  I have to go back to work Monday, and I'm finding myself crying over really inconsequential stuff, so that's concerning.  I don't need to be a crying mess at work.  I guess I'll have to give up the tantrum and make a couple of calls.

Hey all!  I'm wondering if any of you have quit antidepressants abruptly without tapering off and what the consequences were.

Bit of background info: Jumped around from psychiatrist to psychiatrist for med management for years.  Finally got my general practitioner to prescribe them for me (which is unusual, in the U.S. at least).  Last two years he prescribed full year's worth at my annual check-up.  Pharmacy had prescription(s?) on file and filled my order each month. 

I had been taking 400mg of Wellbutrin and 20mg of Lexapro daily for last 10 years.  (I was also taking 25-50mg of amitriptyline, but not regularly.  They were initially prescribed by neurologist for headaches.)

Due to a combo of bad timing & a mix-up at the pharmacy, the pharmacy "sent back" the meds that I was due to pick up at the end of December.  They won't fill my prescription until they get dr.'s ok.  With the holidays, they've not been able to contact him and won't give me anything to take while I wait.  Truthfully, I haven't tried to fix any of this myself.

Sooo...holidays (always rough) + off work (lack of structure/schedule throws me big time) + therapist of 15 yrs on vacation (always tough, but was getting easier) + no meds = big time crash--excessive sleep, binge drinking, self-harm, suicidal ideations, etc.

I can't tell which of this mess of horrible feelings are situational regarding holidays, etc. and which are due to being unmedicated.  It's been 12 days since my last dose.  The dizziness and feelings of wanting to crawl out of my skin have pretty much subsided.  I'm still super weepy and hate life. 

I'm not sure I want to go back on them, but if I'm going to feel the way I do currently because of not taking them, then I need to really rethink things.

Ugh...so sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you're able to protect yourself from your FOO. I know how triggering spending time with family can be. Take it easy and be extra kind to yourself.

I'm surprised by what you said about your T being unaware of C-PTSD. Is finding another T an option for you?

Be well. Be gentle with yourself.

Absolutely. Anger is a tough one for me to allow to do its thing. I always feel as if I have to control it and that in controlling it I am somehow hurting the other person, but that's not true.

Being sarcastic seems appropriate. Going forward as the good daughter idoes not.

You have the right to avoid and/or be rude.

It's ok not to like a mother who mistreated you.

Well done!! Good. For. You. I'm so proud of you and happy for you!!

So many of my early therapy sessions were bathed in silence.  My therapist would repeatedly say, "Think out loud."  I just couldn't do it.  The words were in my head, but they would not come out.  As they did start to come, they were mightily edited. 

I used to have dreams where there were shards of glass or pieces of sharp metal in my mouth.  They were painful, and I would have to try to extricate them.  I could never get every piece out.  Other times, there was something like putty or Play-Doh in my mouth that I couldn't ever get out completely.  That's how dangerous speaking the truth was.

I don't know what advice to give you.  All I can do is tell you about my evolution.  I cried and cried for most of my earliest therapy sessions. I spoke as much as I could, but it was often edited to the extreme.  After a while, I started to ask for paper.  I would write down what I couldn't say out loud.  That was extremely helpful.  Now that I'm thinking about it, much of the "work" we did was actually outside of session after the fact.  I would go home and email all of my thoughts on the session.  That was the only way to truly get at it.

My therapist told me that most of my early emails started with something rather inconsequential and then moved into the meat of the work and then ended up tidily and pleasantly.  She knew to look for the middle bits.

Like I said, I don't know what advice to give.  We're all different, but know that many of us experience that same inability to speak when we're in session.  Do what feels good, natural, and helpful to you.

Much love and support to you.

What a wonderful, very human desire.  It appears you've hit that place of grieving what you never had.  I found myself in that very place recently.  It's a lonely, sad place.  I think love is all any of us is looking for, really.  Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.  We've missed out on so much, but love is still out there.  Be well.

I don't know if this story will help or not.  Shortly after I had gone no contact with my mother, I gave birth to my first child.  When he was about six-months old, my mother attempted suicide.  I chose not visit her.  I thought I was fine with it all, but I developed a severe rash on my hands, but only really on the palms.  I happened to be visiting my psychiatrist at this time and mentioned the itching.  He advised me to take an antihistamine/allergy pill.  It didn't do a thing.  The only thing that worked was time and calendula lotion.  I believe it was a stress response. 

I can see how the bumps on your stomach could have been a response to the trauma.  Our bodies find different ways to call for help or express stress, it seems.

Hi all!  It's interesting the you brought this thread back to life, Eyessoblue and Hope.  I haven't been doing so well.  I started to sort of spiral after Christmas, and my drinking picked up.

My T recently got in touch with another T who is an expert on harm reduction--harm including alcohol and drug abuse.  He noticed that AA/12-Step & SMART Recovery don't work for everyone and started to look at that more closely and what to do about it.  The idea behind the harm reduction is to observe and postpone, and to be compassionate with yourself when you do drink more than you'd intended (he doesn't call for absolute abstinence).

Last Monday was the first day we really looked at what she'd learned from the other T.  I had wanted to make it a goal not to drink until Friday.  My T suggested I aim a little lower and allow myself two drinks on Wednesday.  I ended up drinking every day except Wednesday.  So, yeah, that's something to note. 

Today we're going to really look at the parts of me that do not want to give up drinking and who would rather drink myself into oblivion at night.

Baby steps.  This all calls for practice, and practice I shall.  Thanks for asking.   

I seem to always get headaches when I take vitamin supplements.  Does anyone else experience this? 

Hey, Songbird.  I'm sure what you're experiencing is extremely distressing.  I'm sorry you're having to go through this.  I'm so glad you are on this earth, but I understand that you probably don't always feel that same gladness.  I get what that feels like.  Please just do your best to keep postponing action.  I know that's asking a lot, but you matter and we need you here.