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Recently, I had a really tough session with my therapist.  It was good, but it stirred up a bunch of things.  Later in the day I got a horrible headache, which isn't unusual after going through some really emotional stuff.  It seemed like a migraine--my eyes hurt horribly, I needed to be in the dark, etc.  I've had migraines since I was a kid.  But in the midst of this one I started to wonder if I should see a doctor because some of the symptoms were different and the pain was so intense.  Coupled with that, I've been having more headaches than usual lately that come with sharp, stabbing pains in different areas of my head. 

I decided to just try to sleep it off.  Which worked.  That's what concerns me, though.  What if I'm experiencing a truly life threatening medical emergency?  Will I just ignore it and figure it's "only" emotional?  And what's the difference anyway?  Just because the symptoms are brought on by past trauma, does that mean they're "harmless"?

When I first started therapy, I found it very difficult to speak at all.  I would want to, but literally couldn't get myself to say anything.  I also had tons of dreams of having shards of glass or pieces of sharp metal embedded in the inside of my mouth.  In the dreams I would try pulling them out, but there were so many pieces it was impossible to get them all out.  I assume this was an indication of just how dangerous it was or felt like it was to speak my truth. 

I agree with Eyessoblue that having support is key.  I don't have a lot of concrete memories of abuse to pull up, so I've been told EMDR wouldn't be too helpful in my case, but I've heard great things about it.  I think we can all totally relate to feeling that justified rage of "I'm the one paying for their..." fill in the blank--mistakes, abuse, psychopathy, neglect, etc. 

It wasn't until I was about 32 and my mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that I sought treatment for myself.  It felt like it was late in the game. Now, twelve years later, I realize that there really is no such thing as "late in the game" when it comes to healing.

Hey there!

You said you don't want to see yourself as a victim because it's not helpful.  The sad truth is that you are a victim.  I'm a victim.  The fact that you were abused should not reflect negatively on you.  It was not your fault.  I know what you're saying, where you're coming from, but I think it's important to own your truth.  At any rate, it's been helpful to me to start self-identifying as a victim.  Along the same lines, I'll sometimes say to my therapist that I'm "just feeling sorry for myself."  Her response is always, "You should feel sorry for yourself.  You were deeply hurt."  That helps take away some of the shame I feel at times.

One foot at a time...

Good for you for moving out! 

I can totally relate to the smell thing.  My therapist calls them olfactory hallucinations and explained that they're a form of a flashback. 

The brain is a fascinating thing...

I was going to pose the same question:  Any tried somatic experiencing therapy?  I'm looking into trying it out this summer.  There's one thing I'm not clear about.  I contacted a woman who does something called the Rosen Method.  She referred me to a somatic experience therapist.  But in referring her, she mentioned this lady is one of the few who do hands on body work.  I thought that was the definition of somatic therapy.  I'm not clear on how it all works.  I emailed the woman to ask what she does, but she gave me a general definition of SE.  I guess I could email her back and find out.  Funny how that's wasn't my first thought...

Thanks for the warm welcomes, everyone!  I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and to learning from you all.   

Hello,

I visited this forum a few months ago, but didn't post anything even though I liked what I saw.

A bit about myself:  I'm a 44-year-old female.  I'm the youngest of four siblings.  My mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  I haven't spoken to her in 12 or so years.  I suspect my father sexually abused me, but have no concrete memories of the abuse.  I've been in psychotherapy for 10-plus years.  I've grown and healed tremendously thanks to therapy.  Of course, I still get hijacked by my CPTSD.  I've struggled with binge drinking for years and am sick to death of it.  Tried AA and Smart Recovery with little success.  The last couple of weeks have been rough, and I've found myself isolating more and more.  I decided to reach out here.