Depression sucks

[BigGreenSee123]

I hate it.

I don't care about anything. I don't want to do anything. I've got no motivation, no goals. I have things to do but just think about them without actually doing anything. I just feel overwhelmed - but it doesn't lead to action. I watch TV or sleep to run away. I can't stand the quiet.

And I'm not sure where you draw the line between what you can say is the result of something outside your control and what is your responsibility. The fact remains that I am responsible for things that aren't getting done, and rather than doing them I just stay in bed. Time doesn't stop for me, noone else can live my life, I can't expect things to magically change without my effort.

And yet I continue to sit here and do nothing...

[tired]

what you can control:  choose to accept that there is more to you than this depression, and that although there is a heavy dark cloud over you, there is a vibrant energetic responsible you underneath. 

there is a lot you can't control because that's how life is for everyone.  everyone has some kind of frustrating overwhelming limitation; maybe it's a broken leg or bankruptcy or death of a loved one.  for you right now it's this. don't obsess about limitations, just find anything, even the smallest thing, that you can do right now.  tomorrow you can do more.  you can dig yourself out of it a little at a time.

ten years ago i spent almost all of my day in bed watching tv.  it does end.  i regret wasting that time so don't waste your time.  get up, and don't expect a lot out of the day but  expect something. don't demand that you suddenly become super efficient, but demand something of yourself. make some promise, even if it's to take a shower.  make one promise to yourself and keep it.  you might think big frikkin deal i took a shower but that is how you dig yourself out.  there is no magical sudden parting of the sky, it's just slow boring day after day work.  it's not just you; imagine people with no legs or people who suddenly go blind.  there are no easy answers for most things in life.  life is just stupid sometimes and makes no sense.

the other day i thought, my biggest problem now is money.  i feel like that's a miracle, that my biggest worry today is money.  i never worried about money before, because i never got that far. wake up, eat, find clothes, maybe shower. those were my thoughts most of the time. 

actually today i'm back to struggling a little so it hasn't just disappeared. but i do remember days when things were better, so i know it can be done again. 

give yourself an experience of one small success.  now.  a very tiny baby sized success. 

[BigGreenSee123]

A good suggestion, tired, to try for those baby steps. But I feel like baby steps are not enough - to some degree because I have really high self standards, sure. But also because things need to get done. I'm in school now and don't feel like I've got the option to just take a step back. I've got to do my laundry and pay the bills. I've got a responsibility to my employers and colleagues.

I recognize this isn't the best lifestyle for me, especially in this state of mind. But I don't see any way I can change it right now. And, ironically, once I get going I am glad to have things to do - they keep me busy in a good way. But getting started is always such a struggle, it's driving me mad.

I don't quite understand what's going on with me or what to do about it. I just feel so confused and worn down by this internal battle always going on.

[tired]

No the small steps aren't going to be enough--but the small steps get you out of depression.  They become bigger steps a lot faster than you would think.