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I used to call My mom when I was Young a bi45h! She really was, It has got better now that she is older...Sometimes when I separate the abuse and control and how it affected me, I sometimes thank her in My heart though. I was so awfully intimidated by her that I didn't DARE get into much trouble. The early 70's were pretty turbulent and I know many people that ended up in Jail! 

I can identify. Hiding to get away from the Awful may have protected me from the Worse. Feeling the way I did back then probably made me vulnerable to people that would have gotten me into a lot of trouble.

Good to know I am not the only Audible addict. I can get so much more work accomplished while listening to a book. Don't know why, just know it is true.

btw, Whobuddy ...the very first day I starting this huge cheerleading, with constant, enthusiastic positive, encouraging comments lovingly directed to my inner kid ...asking my inner kid WHAT SHE WANTED to clean next, and how ...after about 20 minutes, I broke down crying ..."she" broke down crying, as she had never heard this before.   All this, in simply vacuuming a room.

I took this suggestion to heart and cleaned what I wanted. I washed the car, cleaned the oven door, part of the fridge, and the bathtub. It was so random, it was fun! 

This thread is very helpful to me. I do identify. So many years of denial. Pretending to be normal. Losing myself by putting on a fake "normal" self so those around me would be more comfortable. It has been exhausting.

With the holidays coming up with family get togethers, I am put in the position of having to decide which Whobuddy to be: the fake, pretending to be normal or the real me.  After pretending that things are fine all these years what will they do if they find out that all is not well with me.

It saddens me that you went through all that. You have come to the right place. The people on this forum are very positive and helpful. It has been like a refreshing drink of cool water in the short time I have been here.

Please tell me more on the "you will disappear" if the house is perfect.    I think I really need to hear, and understand this deeply.

This is something I don't understand myself. I just get a feeling of gloom if the house is clean. Like all the "me" stuff has been obliterated. Could come from not really knowing myself well enough to be surrounded by things that are of my choosing. There was a prior post about feeling like an impostor that I read with interest. My choices in life have been based on what I thought I needed to do to survive and/or to appear normal. Now here I am just realizing that.

Thank you for the insight on the other side of the housekeeping coin. I would have envied you so much for having a clean and lovely house. I would have felt so inferior to you not realizing that the great looking house did not equal happiness inside. I guess because it was so out of reach for me I thought it would be all sunshine and rainbows. Grass is greener effect.

Awesome post, Rain!

My situation is a bit different. My childhood house was never clean except when company was coming. I thought this was the norm. I didn't know that other people kept their homes clean on a regular basis. Before guests came there was unspeakable tension, blaming, fighting, and tears to get the house company-ready.

I have no background knowledge on regular, routine housekeeping. I tend to go overboard with making things perfect as if no one lives here or the other extreme of not doing anything but the essentials for eating and wearing clean clothes. When I try to "unclutter" it is the same: one extreme of getting rid of practically everything or wanting to keep it all - just in case. I don't know myself well enough to predict what I might regret disposing of.

Then there is this weird feeling that if the house is totally perfect, I will disappear.

Yup.   That's me, Whobuddy.   

I do notice that more I am healing, the harder this battle is.   
externally.    It is internal where the real battle is.

...I make the house cleaning an Inner Kid activity now ...I cheerlead her BIG time with everything "we" do.   Every bit is a battle won in this war against my parental, abusive programming.

I like the idea of cheerleading!! I tend to only see the things that are not done.

I am so glad that I found this forum. I didn't know there were people like me out there. I live and work where everyone seems so "together" that I just stay quiet about my struggles.

I really love your post, Kizzie!

The area I struggle with the most is managing the house cleaning. I think this is important to self-care to take care of the space that we live in. I have tried and tried through the years but never can get a handle on it. It causes me so much frustration, embarrassment, and other feelings that I cannot even put into words. I know there is a block that is based on a past trauma or there wouldn't be so much emotion involved.

Your explanation of the glass already being full is helpful. I already feel exhausted before I begin. Then with the progress being slower than I would like; I just give up. Does anyone else have this battle?

I can totally identify. I get very annoyed when there are episodes "to be continued". I want everything solved in neat packages.

Sometimes I fear that the characters in shows and movies are more dear to me than the people in my life. They are so harmless because I can turn off the show. Not like in real life.

Thank you BeHea1thy for thinking that I set limits. I think I was just uncomfortable venturing out into the world of therapy in the first place.

I told my H. He tries to understand but can't seem to. His family had its problems but overall is genuinely caring and loving. It is like this gives him blinders to grasp my struggles. I stopped telling him much because it is so complicated and hard to explain. Sometimes I feel like sharing something great with him but then I picture how complex the conversation would be to describe the situations leading up to a recent revelation that I don't bother.

This is why I am so happy to have found this forum. You all understand without needing to have the whole back story spelled out.

I stopped going to a T because she told me to write out my "story" but the next appointment she told me she hadn't read it.

I can really identify. My mother not only sent me a card something like that but wrote a long description of my childhood. She told of how much she loved me and how happy she was that I was born, etc, etc. It was so strange and conflicting. I wanted to tell her that she can't rewrite my childhood history but I am afraid of hurting her feelings. At the same time it made me wonder if I am the one who is wrong. (this is a familiar pattern with me.)

I have read too many books to count. I usually find tidbits of help in most. But some have actually made me feel worse. Especially books by Bradshaw. Not sure why. None have resonated like Pete Walker's books.

Thank you for your responses. I am deeply moved by your responses and the posts on this site. I have been spending part of my Sundays in reading and journaling in solitude for quite awhile. Now to know and hear from others adds a wonderful and exciting new dimension!