Jdcoopers journal

[jdcooper]

So yesterday was my sisters birthday.  I debated whether to send her a text Happy Birthday.  In the end, I didn't.  Feel kind of empty about that.  Yesterday told my therapist some more things from my past.  Like driving home with my college roommate and discovering my mom; in  a manic/psychotic state had run the car right into the garage door and it was all smashed in.  I don't know what happened to that relationship with that roommate; I know it ended badly.  We argued over some things.  Anyway we also talked about what hubby said about if I didn't get a job by next January we would have to sell the house.  I felt pressured when he said that. Yes I am going to be finished with my coding class and certification; but it may take some time to get a job.  Most physicians offices and hospitals want two years experience.  She said I need to get more involved with the finances and figure out for myself what is going on.  Feel incredible guilt that we have my student loans to pay and I am not practicing law anymore.  Hubby and I did talk awhile about it and he said he didn't blame me; that he should have been paying attention to the loans and not just paying the bare minimum.  That we will be o.k. if we take money out of the 401k to pay off the loans.  I don't want to do that either.  I don't want to be poor in our retirement.  A lot hinges on me getting some meaningful employment.

Its been two years since I closed my law practice and got depressed.  Only in the last two months or so have I linked that depression to CPTSD and the horrible traumatic childhood and adolescence that I had.  I am still having trouble getting interested into exercise and hobbies I used to like to do.  I am crying a lot; which the therapist thinks is great.  I need to grieve.  I have been drinking too much too.  No one knows that; not therapist or hubby.

[Three Roses]

It's good that you have a therapist, a good one, and a supportive spouse. And crying can be such a great feeling, can be so cleansing. Grieving and getting angry about past hurts is also healing. But I'm sorry to hear that you're drinking too much. You must feel in a great deal of pain, still, to want to medicate that way. I know when I was in the worst part of my depression, that drinking only aggravated my dark moods due to alcohol being a depressant. Didn't help me see things more clearly, either. Since my husband quit drinking and buying alcohol a few years ago, I have also stopped drinking and I feel the difference. Although I would have a beer now & then, if anyone were around to have one with!

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it here. That seems healthy to me, that you're admitting it to yourself and in writing for others to see. May the future hold more growth & prosperity for you than you would ever think possible. <3

[jdcooper]

Thanks 3roses.  I wish I didn't feel the need to self-medicate.  I know I need to adapt healthier coping mechanisms.  The pain is quite acute right now; I only discovered a few weeks ago that my Dad verbally abused me as a child (my mom told me).  So I am looking at my whole life through a different lens.

[jdcooper]

Today on the ride into the hospital to volunteer, I reviewed all of these instances of trauma caused by family members and think oh, I have to tell my therapist that story.  It's like I can't wait to talk to her to share more of all the crap I have had to go through.  Just get it out of my system.

My Wedding.  We decide we want to keep it small (for financial and other reasons); all my family lives across the country.  I decide just to invite Dad, Mom and sisters.  I didn't think it even fair to expect other relatives to travel that far.  After wedding is over and I go to see grandmother (which costs a lot of money).  Grandmother asks why I didn't invite her; that she was like a mother to me.  I really believe that if communication was at a healthy level in this family; that it would have been told to me; especially by father, that my grandmother would have really liked an opportunity to come and wouldn't have looked at it like a burden.  And I would have gladly invited her.   I was a little upset that she was making me feel guilty-She also could have called me and expressed an interest in coming.  THIS FAMILY DOES NOT COMMUNICATE AT ALL.   I really felt that I didn't deserve for her to come.  After all, she went to my cousins college graduation with my aunt and uncle at the very same university I went to-but neither she nor dad came to mine.

When I was about to give birth to my son; Sister R and Mom visit Sister K in XXX.  But no one would even entertain the thought of visiting me after the birth of my child.  You hear so many stories about family traveling long distances to see their loved ones with their new babies.   It really hurts not to have family care about the big moments in your life. 

So at our expense I decide to go to XXX where  both sisters will be present along with mom to show off my young baby (I think he was about 4-5 months).  Before the trip Sister R says she can't have us stay with her; she is in the middle of moving in; the house is upside down etc.  But when we get there; Sister K and her family are staying there.  I was the one with the young baby; all their children were older; but once again my feelings or needs are not paid any attention.  We left earlier than we intended to because I was so upset.

Hubby and I have spent so much money; it costs a lot to get to the little out of the way towns that my Dad and Grandmother live in.  I always felt like it was my obligation.  And then at Dads we would stay in a hotel because of my cat allergies-adding to the expense-while sisters stayed for free.  Always the one who bears the greater burden.  Sister R has never come to visit me in 22 years since my wedding.  Dad has come twice in 22 years.  Sister K also twice in 22 years.  I am sure the visits amongst Sister R Golden Child and Dad are at least 3 times a year despite them living across the country from each other.  Not sure about Sister K but I know Dad has visited her quite a few times and she and Sister R have frequent trips between them. 

And then there are the ski trips.  The source of a lot of pain.  Not even sure when that got started; College age I think.  Dad very blatantly and cruelly left me out.  Sisters and their families went and had all those annual bonding experiences; I got sent pictures at Christmas of all of them together on these trips.  HOW IN THE * does my  FATHER not know that it might be painful for the excluded child to receive pictures of  family members having fun without me.  AND last year at Grandmothers funeral; a cousin asks, Terri do you ski (go on these trips) and SISTER R does not even let me answer the question; she jumps in with some nonsensical crap that I can't even remember; when the real shameful secret is I have deliberately been excluded because my Dad doesn't like me.  Because he is a Narcissist and has used me as a scapegoat and dumping ground for all he hates in himself and that is the real truth.

Grandmothers funeral was another example of me having to share an expensive burden to get there.  Dad doesn't even have the decency to share details; like hey would you like to speak at the service.  He knew how close I was to her but he acted surprised that I even came.  When the short story I wrote about my Grandmother was read and I wasn't given credit for having written it-that was hurtful.  and then SISTER R gets up and has her prepared speech-it just pissed me off.  The only person who showed deep compassion and understanding that my grandmother meant a lot to me and we had a special relationship was strangely enough DADS girlfriend.  We are going through her things and she shows me a quilt and says why don't you take this Terri -and Dad marches in and says NO-SISTER R GOLDEN CHILD wants that.  I felt like I was three years old again when he said that.  Sister R gets to look it over and decide whether she wants it or not-SHE GETS THAT CHOICE-WHAT THE *-my Grandmother would have wanted a totally different decision making process there.

[jdcooper]

So I have a vivid bad dream last night about grandma.  I am at her house visiting and she mentions something about dad.  I say you know dad doesn't even like me; he hasn't since I was young.  And she gets really mad.  She takes off in her car to get some air.  She comes back and she is still mad.  I try and hug her and tell how much she means to me.  She shrugs me off.  She says she is going to take me to court and sue me for being abusive to my grandfather to get me out of town.  I can't believe it, I am devastated.  I beg her to reconsider and try to explain why I think he doesn't like me.  Then suddenly I am in a room with GOLDEN CHILD Sister R.  I say to her; what about all those extra presents he sent you and the extra money.  She just looks at me, not caring.  I wake up.

So whats the message.  If I tell anyone the truth of whats going on in this dysfunctional family no one will want to believe me  (My grandma-his mother) or care about believing me (Sister R).

[jdcooper]

So last night I dreamed that I was with a couple of friends and we ended up at my old law firm.  Mr. Washington, one of the main partners is there.  One of my friends casually mentions that I deserve a bonus.  Mr. Washington says, when she works hard to make up for the last four months we would consider it.  He doesn't realize, nor do my friends that I don't work there anymore.  (It was an argument over a promised bonus that I didn't receive that turned ugly that led to my being laid off from this law firm.) 

I have this dream all the time that I am still working there; and it an odd capacity; I have no connection to the other workers; I am in a satellite office by myself but still I am happy I have a job and then I wake up and realize I don't have a job.  Its jarring.  And its been 5 years since I worked there. 

Also dreamed last night that I was telling some relatives, My Aunt P and Uncle J that I am switching my major from law to engineering.  What the heck.  My math skills are so bad I can hardly add fractions and I am going to be an engineer.  I think this has to do with telling people the truth at my volunteer hospital job.  (I am there to get medical care experience)  I can't tell them I was an attorney and am studying to be a medical coder.  I think they will think its crazy; with all that education.  I feel shame-not good enough-crazy even for wanting to switch to such a low paying job.  The truth is I have searched for two years for a different less stressful job in law that doesn't involve court.  I have searched for other possibilities of study and have run into this math problem time and time again.  I had no college math.  My math skills are probably those of a 6th grader.  I have lost any skills from High School.  That rules out a different better paying job in health care like radiology or health information management.  Just to get into a technical school you have to pass a test that has math questions on it.  I have succeeded in graduating in the top third of my class in law school and passing the bar on my first try but I can't even get into a technical school?  I have tried remedial math classes on line and end up so frustrated that I am not getting the concepts. 

My therapist still says things like "Is your attorney license still active?  Good.  You have a great degree; I feel your future is rosy,  You will end up doing well when you heal. 

So what about this coding field that I defaulted to when there was no other viable alternative.  I was exploring careers in the health care field because of the number of jobs available.  Coding was a job that required no math skills to actually get into the program.  When my therapist and I were brainstorming about what I could do with my life and I reviewed all my failed attempts to find a different job in law; she says well then why don't you go back to school.  I explain all my attempts to do so.  Hubby is researching fields for me and comes across this medical coding field.  I research like crazy and it seems like a good option; lots of jobs etc.  Its only $5000 for school.  You have to pass a certification and then you are qualified.  It fit my criteria; a job in a field that has high demand; little infusion of cash to get into it and little time needed (less than a year) to get the certification.  Why is it not good enough; why is it that I have a hard time explaining it to others?  Why do I feel ashamed I can't use my law degree anymore?  My supervisor at my volunteer job asks me in the elevator what I was doing prior; I said bankruptcy law; she pushes further...a paralegal she says- I say yes; she says is that what your degree is in; I say yes.  She says she has a similar degree.  Now I feel stuck.  A nurse asks me yesterday some questions about my background.  I vaguely say law.  Luckily someone interrupts her before she can push further; how can I say attorney now that I have already told someone else paralegal?  What kind of quandary have I put myself into.  I don't lie.  I am very ethical.

My husband says; I should say something to the supervisor like this.  I wasn't really forthcoming with you before; I was a paralegal many years ago but I went to law school and became a lawyer.  I didn't like it and no I am exploring the health care field.  Why would this be so hard for me to say?  The shame of failing at law; the guilt about practically lying about my past; the vulnerability I would feel in disclosing I am embarrassed about my misfortunes in life and where they have led me.  That I couldn't make a career in law work because I was never self confident enough; assertive enough-that my performance anxiety for court was so strong I could no longer make it work.  What have my family done in the past-well they have shamed me.  They have never acknowledged my achievements; they were brutal to me when I finished college and couldn't immediately find a job.  So that's what I am doing to myself.  I am adopting their critical ways of dealing with me.  I am allowing their control over how I feel about entering a new and better situation in life.  Law was never right for me.  Oh I am just sick of worrying over this crap.

[jdcooper]

Dreamed I found a newborn baby; filthy and abandoned and I cleaned her up; put on fresh clothes and blanket and then was debating about what to do about her.  Take her back to the store where I found her?  Keep her?  In the same dream I had a lot of money stolen out of my purse and I was so angry at myself for leaving my purse unattended.  Not sure what any of this means.  My abandoned inner child perhaps-not knowing what to do with her.  Getting angry at myself instead of at my perpetrators.  My therapist said I should hold my inner child.  Maybe make new memories with her.  Take her to the park and swing?  I think I am going to buy some coloring books and crayons today.

[jdcooper]

I dreamed all night long about this guy who didn't want to leave his daughter an inheritance.  So totally about my dad.  Being excluded from his inheritance although a long way away will make me feel double traumatized.  Not only have I had to spend all this money on therapy because of him.  I don't get what my sisters will get-and I am the one he abused.  How in the world is that fair?

[jdcooper]

Intense crying spell Sunday.  Left me feeling drained all day.  Today didn't go to Piedmont to volunteer.  Once I did get going and take a shower and get things done I felt better.  Haven't cried today but feel on the verge of tears.

[jdcooper]

For the last 4 nights or so; not sleeping well.  Only about 6 hours of poor quality sleep with lots of dreaming.  Last night I dreamed one of my friends got a job with a colleague and the colleague was expressing gratitude that this friend would go to court on her behalf.  In the dream I was feeling so down about my situation with not going to court and not having that confidence.  There were lots of other parts to the dream that I unfortunately don't remember but had to do with my sisters.  Yesterday I was so exhausted from the not sleeping well and rerunning my whole life through my mind that I didn't get off the couch until like 2 pm.  I was laying down on the couch but couldn't sleep.  It's like I have this adrenalin still running through my system.  Am I having a flight or fight response to my dreams-are they that threatening to me.  I am taking two medications to sleep and  I can't even get the eight hours I need.  That is frustrating.  It makes me feel irritable and unmotivated.   

[jdcooper]

Not sleeping at all well since H has to wake up frequently to take his pain meds.  Dreaming a lot.  J giving me a really evil look.  Last night I dreamed that an employer of mine had a hazing ritual that you had to pick a spot on your body where you wanted to get shot-yes like shot with a gun.  Then you had to heal while still doing your job.  I chose my toe; then debated whether I made the right choice.  Then had some agony about whether I really had to go through with that.  Weird.  H and I got into an argument about how he handled a recent conversation with stepdaughter - he was calling to see if he could try and brainstorm with her about why she and I don't get along.  She told him that when she was younger, I would go in a different room when they came over and that she and I just never really connected.  H said nothing to her.  I was furious he didn't stand up to her and say wait a minute.  The reason she went into another room was because she was hurt that your mother didn't like her and was saying negative things about her to you-poisoning your mind so that you were not treating her well.

We talked for a long time about how he compartmentalizes his relationships with his daughters and his relationship with me and S. Like we are two separate entities.  I asked him how could he not have enough empathy for his wife in the moment J said - well she just left the room all the time and tell her exactly what the facts of the situation were.  Just letting her thinking "its her fault really".  H said he wasn't trying to pin blame at all he just wanted everything to go ok going forward.  I am like how can you go forward when the past is standing in the way.  He suggested therapy.  I told him S would rip into him about his emotions or lack thereof.  I also asked him why when I am crying and grieving he leaves the room instead of just simply saying I am sorry you are hurting.  So when I did end up crying yesterday he said, "is there anything I can do"  which is not what I want to hear.  I just want some empathy not a fix.  He said he just couldn't really feel what it must have been like for me to be abused  not having experienced it before.  I said you can't feel empathy for a small child that is hurting for being emotionally berated?  He also suggested we have a meeting with C and J and hash it out.  I told him are you sure you are ready for that because you are going to have to take some major responsibility for having two affairs on his wife, one with another woman and one with me and then after 6 months (of a long distance relationship)introducing me to his daughters in an unplanned fashion.  Even telling the 15 year old about our relationship before she even met with me or before she had processed the divorce.  So many, many mistakes.  And here we are 22 years later with stilted, nonclose relationships.

[jdcooper]

Had a dream that a man gave me a very expensive engagement ring; I was happy to get rid of my existing non-expensive ring and looked forward to the future.  Am I wishing I had married a more successful man?  That because we have financial problems I am in escape mode; wishing it weren't so?

I also had a dream about a friend that needed burn treatment; skin grafts and the insurance wouldn't cover getting skin grafts from skin from her own body and she was devastated that they were railroading her.  She was an immigrant.  Maybe I am thinking about Donald Trumps policies toward immigrants and feeling empathy for her.

[jdcooper]

You * *.  I hate you.  I never want to see your * face again.  What you did to me is evil.  You have a demon inside you and I will not let you poison me with it any longer.  You will have to face the consequences of your * hatred toward me.  You are * evil!  I will never forgive you for what you did to me!  You are the scum of the earth!  I hope you rot in *!  You truly are the devil incarnate.  How could you have been so cruel to a small innocent little child?  That is cowardice and evil..................................

[sanmagic7]

bravo, jd.  that's how to start getting the anger out!  well done!  how did it feel?  how do you feel?  it felt good to me - like a mirror me doing it.  you can be proud of yourself - you've taken some fine first steps!

my ex was like that with me and my daughter - never took my side, left me hanging with all the blame and responsibility.  my present hub also doesn't have that capability, i don't think, to feel that empathy for me when i'm in distress.  all i want (and i've told him this) is to be gathered in, held, like you would soothe a child.  he'd never done that with his own kids, i don't think he knows how.

it's a frustrating missing piece of our life together.  flashes me back to similar situations with my own parents.  no reaching out, no drawing in, no 'it's ok, you're ok, everything will be ok' loving words.  i hear ya, jd.  it sucks.

moving forward.  big hug!

[jdcooper]

Thanks SanMagic, I just saw this.

I have been reading the book Trapped in the Mirror.  I had some thoughts.  I think but can't actually remember that my dad criticized my passiveness and quiet nature.  I am quite sure I became passive and quiet because of his cruelty.  I am also sure my mothers passiveness about my dads behavior toward her (cheating, demanding, critical) taught me how to do the same.  When I did try to break out of the passive nature by being rebellious it backfired because I got a ton of negative feedback from him and my mom and my sister and outsiders as well (like teachers and peers).

Other times I tried to assert myself were few but there was a time I needed money to attend a program my college was offering at Cambridge University in England.  I talked about how prestigious the college was and implied that, hey Dad I am super smart and look at me getting this opportunity that looks so good on my student resume (implied also to the outside world).  He was very quick to slap me down and let me know that it was wrong to be so arrogant and pretentious (which is precisely what he is).

So that was a lesson in never being too forward or assertive  or arrogant (thus twarting my  growing sense of self) about my accomplishments.  This was reinforced when it wasn't important enough to come to my graduation.

Another time where I was "slapped down" was when I got out of college and was in the process of finding a job.  My sister was angry that I couldn't find a job sooner than I did - because I wasn't contributing "rent" towards the household expenses (my mother was on disability for her mental illness) she basically told me I needed to be less arrogant about my academic credentials because I didn't have real world experience.  I interpreted it to mean I can't be proud of my achievements.  She told me I was being arrogant (again a message that being arrogant was horrible)

So throughout the years I was determined to never be arrogant about my accomplishments.  This of course meant that I downplayed my achievements and never wanted to assert my opinions.  I didn't want to be like my father.  I also vowed never to make my clients feel that I was somehow superior to them because I was an attorney and had the upper hand and I knew what was best and they were to treat me as the superior in the relationship and they were not equal to me as anyone else.  I treated them kindly, empathetically and if they did glance at my credentials on my wall to see where I went to law school; I shared in a way as to make them feel on equal footing; they would say such and such relative went there and I would be like oh that is so cool.

I also didn't want to be insensitive and critical like my father was to me-I wanted to be the opposite.  So I went out of my way to be empathetic and kind to everyone who was going through a difficult time.  I even did it when the person or client needed more of a push in the direction of hey you need to get it together, you are not doing yourself any good the direction you are going in, you need to take responsibility for your actions, etc.  I had blind spots around that kind of helpful confrontation.

So I was criticized for being quiet and passive unlike my bubbly talkative sister.  But when I did try and be assertive and stand up for myself and be proud of my accomplishments I was "slapped down."

My healthy narcissism - which I needed desperately was being squashed.  I let two paralegals run all over me when I was a new attorney.  One of them would always have her boyfriend stopping by the small satellite office we were working in - just the two of us.  And I let that go and then suddenly he was in there actually sleeping in a chair.  This paralegal had clients in her office while her boyfriend was sitting there slumped over.  I finally had to say something but it was hard to speak up and assert my authority.  I was the attorney, she the paralegal; I had more say in how the office ran than she did.  I guess this is another example of letting people stomp all over my boundaries.

The other paralegal did equally bad things like leave early to pick up her child.  She also did something really bizarre; she attempted to purchase a home from a client.  This had all kinds of ethical issues.  Again she was stomping all over my boundaries by doing it behind my back she was also putting the firm in an ethical quandary.  The sale never went through but other people in the office learned of it and criticized me for not reigning her in.

There was an attorney in the office that didn't like me; didn't like that I worked part-time (30 hours instead of 40).  Thought I was getting special treatment and generally thought I was doing a lousy job although my boss thought I was doing great.  He became a partner and his words started having more weight behind them.  He was putting me down to other coworkers and I knew it but did nothing.  When I made partner, it continued.  On of my few friends at the firm told me I needed to speak up.  Only when I had tacit permission did I dare assert myself and demand that he stop.

So I grew up passive and quiet for which I was put down but when I tried to assert myself I was also put down by my family.  It put me in a massive internal conflict; hating myself for not being able to raise my hand and speak up in meetings; but also hating myself if I ever said an angry word to anyone or expressed a strong opinion.

I was uncomfortable when my boss suggested a party to celebrate me becoming a partner.  I was so uncomfortable I told him I didn't want one.  Being celebrated and rewarded and made to feel good was too foreign to me.  It made me feel scared and think negative thoughts like what if I have to speak, I won't know what to say, it will feel horrible etc etc.

All through law school people talked about what kind of job they wanted when they got out.  We had some classes (not sure if they were elective or actually required )  You had to go though the process of fully litigating a case-from selecting a jury, to calling witnesses to making closing arguments etc.  I paired with a woman that was severely overweight.  She told me she had no intention in ever being a litigator.  I told her the same.  We plowed through it and I just remember that I did something wrong; like not discussing in my closing a key piece of evidence- something like that.  I was just stunned that I didn't remember to do that; that the stress of the whole thing was causing me to shut down and disabling me from thinking on my feet.

I always had confidence problems in speaking out in class.  If it were my turn to speak I would get butterflies and anxious.  I would be in the bathroom psyching myself up for it (you're really smart; you're in the top third of the class, you know the material etc.)  And usually I over prepared to make sure I knew the material inside and out.  Some of my teachers were pleased with this my preparation for the discussion and rewarded me for it with kind comments.  But most of the time I just went unnoticed.  I absolutely never actually raised my hand in a discussion; the only time I spoke was when I had to as part of the class routine of going down the rows and everyone got their turn.

One time we were in a lecture room with a ton of people in it and my friend asked a question.  She kind of looked at me and said "why don't you ask a question"  I felt so ashamed that I wasn't contributing in this way to the discussion.  That when I was in a huge setting with tons of people I completely froze.  If we broke up in small groups in a class I had no trouble participating.

So despite me knowing these things about myself after law school; I chose a job that involved litigation (although no jury trials) and I thought that somehow I would muster up the courage to do it.  For at least a couple months a woman who was doing a job as a special assistant attorney for the state wanted someone else to take over one of her jurisdictions, would have me shadow her.  She introduced me to all the key players and had me watch her at work.  Then abruptly it was my turn to take over a new case had popped up and the next day it played out in court.  A teenager who may have suffered sexual abuse by her stepfather had been taken to a hospital and removed from her home by social workers.  Well somehow I missed a key point of evidence needed to keep her out of that home and she was returned to her abusive stepfathers care.  The state had lost.  Just like in my litigation class at school; I had once again screwed up on what may have been (can't remember) something very basic.  I began to believe that there would be hundreds of instances when I wouldn't know what to do and that I couldn't count on my mentor to continually help me out-that I would be a burden to her.  I was defeated and deflated and became depressed over this one court incident that I quit.

So that set the tone for the rest of my career. (I took one more job that required court appearances and ended up quitting that job as well)  I opted to take no position that required court.  So I landed a job where I told the employer I did not want to go to court and he agreed.  He didn't care.

It was so unhealthy.  I was set apart from my peers and on a different trajectory in my career than they were. There was only one other person in the firm that didn't go to court so I identified strongly with him.  We would have long discussions about how unfair our boss was to us and how the other partners were getting big bonuses but that we were contributing just as much and we deserved big bonuses too.  I was overly invested in his every word and when he told me about his heated discussions with the boss I was silently thinking how great it was that he was able to assert himself in this way.  The frozen part of myself that was afraid of speaking up and being heard and getting what others got was melting as we spoke.  I became a bit defiant in my unspoken attitude toward my boss.  A perfect storm was brewing.  I went to see my boss about what bonus I could expect and he told me a number.  I was pleased with the number.  I got only a seventh of what I was told.  I was bitterly disappointed.  I called my boss but he didn't call me back.  I stewed.  I angered over it.  I started comparing my situation with that of my colleague who also didn't go to court and noticed that I had been more productive than he was that year.  I found out my boss was giving this colleague free frequent flyer miles to see his girlfriends parents in Peru.  He got a cell phone.  He got a bonus large enough to put a down payment on a house.

I had let it go and didn't ever see my boss since I worked in a different office so it just festered that I was treated unfairly.  It triggered old memories of my dad favoring my sisters over me.

Then one day there was a winter storm.  I made it into the office because their was a dusting of snow on top of the ice.  There were no clients coming in because of the storm.  I decided to go home for lunch.  When I got closer to home the roads became really slick and I was slipping and sliding all over the place and got scared.  Other cars were doing the same.  I made it home somehow and called my boss to tell him I could not risk going out again to get back to work.  He immediately went into a mode of trying to convince me that If I just tried I could do it and came up with suggestions like having a paralegal with a truck come pick me up.  I didn't know it at the time but the roads were actually blocked by police cars at that point and it was impossible to go back.  I got very angry because I felt like (1) he didn't believe me and that I was just trying to get out of work and (2) how dare he put me in an unsafe situation.  It felt like my dad and mom not caring about me and my welfare - just let me - by sheer neglect - get into unsafe situations with teenage boys.  There was a time that I ran out of gas in the middle of the night in a very unsafe area of Detroit and I had no one who I could call and come get me (I ended up calling the police).  I just blew up at him - I am a very honest person and it is UNSAFE and I cannot go back and then I brought up the bonus and how he had promised x and I had got y and why did he get my hopes up like that and that I was being treated unfairly compared to the other partners especially my friend Jack, who also didn't go to court and was less productive than me etc.

He got very angry back and started saying things like "I never see you"  There is no "face time"  you need to work "full time"  if you want better bonuses etc etc.  I tried to make concessions that didn't require me to work full time; like coming to the office on Mondays for meetings etc.  Nothing helped and we reached an impasse and we hung up both very angry.

This was me exploding because of the built up anger and resentment toward my family.  My father didn't care about me, didn't care about my safety and treated me differently an unfairly from my sisters.  I actually felt good after I while that I had finally spoke up about myself.  And then my friend told me that what I had done was completely inappropriate (even though he had described encounters where he had the same types of conversations).  I had crossed a line and my boss was very very angry.  I became frightened and didn't want to see him.  I had a Christmas party come up and actually called my boss and left him a message with some weak reason why I couldn't go.  Not going to the Christmas party was a bad thing - especially for me since I was so rarely in the main office.  I kept working thinking it would all blow over.  There was a dinner that I was required to attend.  I went.  My boss greeting me so coldly - almost cruel.  We all had to stand up and say something good that was happening at the firm.  I was extremely nervous and blurted something out.  After dinner I went up to my boss and tried to apologize.  Another partner kept trying to interrupt the conversation.  My boss wasn't having any of it.  I walked out of their feeling really really bad.  I knew I had screwed up and nothing would ever be the same.  Still I kept working.  I didn't even try to find another job although I am sure unconsciously I must have known-that I needed to get out of that unhealthy environment.  One day I came in-on a Saturday to the main office- as usual.  Two partners pull me into the office and tell me I am being layed off.  I was in shock.  Even though I should have seen it coming I didn't.  They made up screwy excuses about the firm losing money and needing to be leaner.  So, I asked why not lay off some of the newer attorenys.  The gist of it was that I was payed a lot more than them.  I needed to go.  I was angry and devastated.  The only job in my field that would allow me not to have to go to court and I had screwed it up.

My husband talks me into starting my own practice.  I could control my schedule.  I could control what clients I took.  I would be good etc etc.  And i was faced with having to go to court.  When younger attorneys in the firm had to learn about court they shadowed a more experienced attorney until they were ready to do it on their own.  I would have no such mentor.  I was on own.  I called a friend who had her own firm for a template for a motion I needed to file and she said that she didn't want to "share her homework" and made it clear that she would not be there to "hold my hand" so to speak.  I would go to court and spend a lot of time watching the other attorneys and probably unconsciously thinking - theres no way I can do that- I have no idea what they are doing.  Whey would they make that argument in that situation.  How many other situations are there where I would have no idea how to handle.  I was making decisions about actions to take with my clients around my fear of going to court.  There was a special kind of hearing you had to be present for when taking certain kinds of cases-so I didn't take those kinds of cases.  I felt like I was constantly in fear of the inevitable.  Someday I was actually going to have to go to court.  Most of my cases were easy with no possibility of needing to go to court.  But than it came closer and closer to the time that I would have to go.  I got more anxious when my cases got older with more issues popping up that needed court attention.  It was three years into my practice.  I was hiking 3-4 hours a time trying to get control of my anxiety.  Then the depression was creeping in.  I quit going to meetings with a womans attorney group I was in.  That made me feel more isolated.  I was getting switched to different anti-depressants. Nothing worked.  I talked to my husband about closing my practice.  I was exhausted, depleted, depressed and didn't want to even read my email.  I desperately called someone about taking over my practice and she said no.  I was actually getting past my fear or calling people because the fear of continuing on and having to go to court was greater than my fear of having to admit defeat to someone.  And I know I could and eventually did say I just don't like it, I'm burned out, I want to do something else etc. in my head I was a failure for not being able to assert myself.  For being passive and quiet just like my Dad had criticized me before - I was berating myself.  My self esteem slipped dramatically within days of closing my practice.  I became even more depressed.  I fought to try and find a different career.  I tried radiology.  I applied.  I got letters of recommendation I toured the facility.  And then it came down to math.  I had had no college math so I didn't qualify.  I went on line and found a program that teaches you math skills.  I would diligently practice for hours at at time.  Any other program I looked into - required an admission test to get into the college that required math skills.  I looked at the practice tests on line and tried to do the math.  I couldn't.  I felt like I was completely lost in the on-line program.  I called the state bar for a number to a therapist that would be paid for under their assistant program.  I went to see him.  He immediately said why in the world are you trying to get into radiology-wheeling people into an exam room-what kind of job is that.  He questioned me spending hours trying to learn math.  I dropped the idea of going back to school.  It was too hard.  Every program I looked into that I could afford - like technical school required math.

I went back to trying to find a legal job that didn't involve court.  There weren't many of those; I applied and never heard back.  My resume sucked and I had no energy into making it better.  I blindly started applying to anything.  Customer service jobs, jobs at Home Depot and Target.  Nothing.  No one wanted to hire an attorney for such low level jobs.  I then dropped the attorney from my resume and my experience became really old-like twenty years old.  I still couldn't get a job.

I ended up going to a partial hospitalization program when I told my psychiatrist I was sleeping all day and drinking.  It required lots of group therapy.  I did not do well.  I hated speaking about personal private problems in a group.  I felt so exposed.  I didn't feel I had much to  offer other people about their problems either.  My therapist reprimanded me about not speaking up.  I tried.  I did the assignments which required me to speak-but not much else.  We had classes for alcohol abuse and just cognitive behavioral type classes where we learned to change our thinking etc.  None of it helped.  I did quit drinking for 6 weeks but just picked it back up after the program.  I found a new therapist.  She actually started talking to me about my childhood.  She brainstormed with me things I could do to get out of the house.  She suggested again the idea of going back to school.  Finally my husband comes up with the Medical Coding program that didn't require math that had on line programs for a very low cost.  I jumped at it.  I had to do something.  I was going crazy spinning my wheels.  I started the program and began volunteering a hospital.  At the hospital I was embarrassed to admit I was an attorney and switching fields. I felt like I was back in high school doing such menial tasks that the position required.  I am still struggling with it.  I see the doctors there and think I was at their level in my career and now I am starting completely over  and in a position that at least at the entry level is pretty low paying, low status.  But at least I am getting out of the house.  Have a reason to shower and dress every day.  Have somewhere to go and some goals to work on.  Then therapy starts getting brutal.  We delve into the fact that as a child I was abused by my father.  I had never thought that.  I thought the negative attention I got from my father started in my teen years when I got rebellious.  My mom told me the facts.  My dad had deliberately picked me out to be a scapegoat to project all of his negative feelings about himself onto.  She told me some cruel things he did. I started grieving.  I stated having long crying spells.  I had a couple episodes of rage.  I started reading anything I could get my hands on about narcissism and childhood abuse and therapy and healing.  And that is where I am.  Realizing that I have a vicious inner critic who berates me constantly about not being good enough, for being a failure for not being able to continue in my practice-for not having saved enough money for retirement; during this time I found out my son is gay and has a chronic illness.  I got depressed about those things.  I stopped calling my sisters back.  They dropped out of sight completely after one time of not calling them back.  I never talk to my dad anyway so that has just continued.  So I don't have any extended or nuclear family on my side anymore.  I am mourning the fact that I may never have grandchildren.  I don't have any friends.  The friends I supposedly had from work-were not really my friends.  They were work buddies.  We talked about work.  I don't work anymore so what is there to talk about.  I realized that I have a lot of difficulty making friends and trusting people.  I have poor relationships with my stepchildren- not all my doing but still another failure in relationships.  I am realizing that I had a false self that propped up my self esteem.  I was an attorney and that meant I was o.k.  I ran and hiked, I was athletic.  Now all that is gone.  I no longer have the energy to hike.  I am spending all of my time working on my inner self, struggling with conflicts with my therapist, trying to get through this medical coding problem.  Trying to decide if writing a letter to my family to tell them how cruel and hurtful and damaging they have been.  Arguing with myself-I need to stand up for myself for once-But I can't expose myself to them-that would make me too vulnerable.  So I research that issue like crazy and get the pros and cons of either action.  I decide I am not ready.  I read stories about how long therapy will take.  Pete Walker says he spent two years just on the grieving process.  Another author of a self help book who has been through it says it takes years.  I see now very clearly how very damaging my family has been to my sense of self, my self esteem, it has impacted my career, my ability to make friends.  And on top of that I have to somehow climb up a mountain of pain - therapy - to get any relief-and this at age 52.  I have to get myself together enough to interview for a job in the near future.  I have to project some self confidence that I don't yet feel.