Rainy Diary 2021

[Libby183]

Hi Rainy Diary.

Those messages seem so universal, don't they? Not good enough, and never doing anything right.  The soundtrack to our lives. I hope that things get sorted with your job.

I thought that the discussion around finding a partner with a similar level of pain was very interesting. I truly believe that my late husband was, if not as damaged as me, was certainly carrying a lot of pain. But he absolutely couldn't admit it. If he had, maybe we could have grown together, but I think he chose me because of my pain, so that he did not have to face his own pain.

It does sound as if there is a good basis for your marriage and I hope that things continue to move in good directions.

Hoping your cat is doing well. My dog is in great form at the moment, but I still tend to worry about her an awful lot!!

[Armee]

Not good enough, never enough...such strong messages. I thought everyone had them but then I realized no, not everyone has these awful voices. That gave me hope that one day we can not have them, too. Although I have a hard time not believing them about myself, when I see people like you and the others here suffering the same I know they aren't true.

I read your letter to yourself. It was beautiful.

[rainydiary]

Libby, I appreciate your words and observations.  Never enough is baked into our culture in so many ways and working against is tough.  I appreciate your words about your husband - I wonder if my husband will acknowledge his pain.   

..........

Armee, thank you for reading and sharing that these messages are part of your experience.  It is so challenging.   

..........

After realizing my colleagues had overstepped and scheduled me for something that isn't their decision to do, I decided to contact the administrators that I talked to in June.  The principal said she wanted to look into the situation and today called me to say she spoke to one of my colleagues and indicated we all need to have a conversation but that their actions are not appropriate. 

I appreciate her backing me but am also waiting for retaliation on the part of my colleagues.  She has broken the ice and now my colleagues will begin piecing together that I have spoken up.  I am doing as much prep work as I can at home so that I can focus my energy on the people situations when we all return next Friday.  I am feeling so uneasy. 

Something that is bugging is that the principal is throwing around how I should feel.  She kept telling me to "not get frustrated."  She annoys me with her discomfort with me expressing feelings.  I will need to learn to not tell her my feelings, realize she will invalidate them, or teach her to validate them.  It's tricky because right now I need her help with my colleagues. 

Tomorrow I take my cat for her paw to be rechecked.  She is so over the cone and the bandage on her leg.  Me too.  I'm not sure what to expect.  Part of me wants the issue to be resolved but a deeper part knows we might not quite be there. 

[Libby183]

Such an important issue, I think, Rainy. You talk about how your principal is, in effect, telling you how you should or shouldn't feel, and how it is bugging you.

I can absolutely relate to that, as my husband did it repeatedly. It seems to tie in with your recent comments about the usefulness or otherwise, of CBT.

I wonder if CBT is OK for dealing with low level situations, for example, if someone who normally says hello to you, fails to do so, it might not be a snub. They didn't see you, or were preoccupied etc. But in more involved relationships, it seems invalidating, doesn't it?

My husband told me that I shouldn't be upset by his parents treatment of me. Maybe I wasn't right about their motivations, but it didn't mean that I didn't feel that way.

I hope that you can come up with a strategy to cope with your principal, and feel sure that you will find an effective way forward. Knowing what you are dealing with is the main thing, so you are well on the way.

[rainydiary]

Libby, I appreciate your thoughts and am sorry that you experienced being told to not feel a certain way about something.  I notice that people are very uncomfortable with aspects of our experience especially those that feel uncomfortable.  I don't like sitting in discomfort but because others have sat in discomfort with me I think it is important to do so when I can.  I do wonder if I am over sensitive to this.

..........

Today I took my cat to the vet.  Her paw is beginning to heal.  They re-bandaged her paw and I will continue with the antibiotic.  I will take her back next week to be rechecked.  Hopefully by the next visit the rest of her paw is healed.  As the day has gone on, I feel so foolish that I didn't take her to her vet for a check in during the previous month.  We could have resolved this so much sooner with some support.  I am trying to see that I have learned something, but it hurts making mistakes. 

Given that my cat still needs care, we aren't going on our vacation.  We are trying to enjoy ourselves here.  We've had a good afternoon and evening.  I do feel guilt that my husband is frustrated about us not going, but hope to stop owning that.  He is welcome to be disappointed and I don't have the ability to make him feel better. 

I am feeling incredibly vulnerable at the thought of work.  I created an overview document with inquiry questions and resources and I sent it out today to my school.  My vision is that my students need their teachers and classmates and everyone they meet at school to be responsive to their communication.  Deep down I know most people won't read it but it feels so tough to be putting myself out there.  I am trying to stay true to myself but it's hard when I know people think I'm off and not doing my job right.  I am trying to speak for change. 

I hope to feel less unsettled tomorrow after some sleep. 

[Armee]

Your resource and vision sounds perfect. Good for you for putting yourself out there to  help your students.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I am trying something out and will see how it goes.  I realize that I have this big aim in my mind and it is hard to break it down for others.  This is me trying that and seeing what works and doesn't.   

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I am feeling deeply tired today.  I do my best, but find mental and emotional and spiritual rest to be so challenging.  I haven't been effectively resting in these ways for a while.

A lot of random feelings are coming up.  They are tied to events from the past.  I think what these moments have in common is that they overwhelmed me at the time.  I still don't know how to make sense of these feelings.  They relate to me feeling out of step with others even when I was trying very hard to stay in step. 

August is going to challenge me very much.  I am anxious about it.  Part of me is doubting myself and part of me feels I can handle it.  I'm trying to not assume or plan how I'll feel or be, but it's hard for me to not do that. 

[rainydiary]

I find myself in a place of grieving today and grieving for something surprising. 

My husband and I watched a documentary about two researchers studying whales.  It brought back to mind how as a child I dreamed of being a marine biologist.  I love the ocean and love being around and on water.  I found myself filled with this desire to still be someone that studies the ocean and beings in the ocean, especially whales. 

And yet, as an adult that type of shift is not simple nor necessarily possible.  I am grieving because I'm not sure why I lost track of that part of myself.  I am grieving because so much of my life, especially as I began to make decisions for myself, was done without much thought or attention because I lacked an identity.  I am grieving that it took me so long to find myself and now I am in a career that while aspects bring me joy I wish I could explore something else. 

My mind and heart are heavy with the knowledge that I will be going back to work on Friday.  I am honestly sick and tired of other people.  I'm tired of trying so hard and still falling short in the eyes of others.  I am feeling heavy because I am doubting myself. I am doubting I will find what it takes to stand up and be me even more so than I have.  I'm afraid of continuing to be misunderstood and trampled over and subject to the agenda of others. 

I feel very deeply into myself today and have for several days.

[owl25]

I'm sorry for the grief for what could have been. I think that is a very common experience for people with CPTSD. Survival was the focus, not things beyond that. It is very sad this happens. Grieving what could have been, what should have been makes so much sense. I hope that maybe down the road you can still do something to switch careers, even if right now that might feel impossible. It's not easy to switch but maybe things can change enough for you at some point. But I get that that doesn't completely undo the past and fix what should have been.

I'm tired of trying so hard and still falling short in the eyes of others.

You cannot change how others see you, people tend to see what they want to see. If anything, I see them as the ones that are falling short. You will never be able to please these kinds of people, because they're not interested in that. You may as well put your energy into what makes you happy with yourself. You deserve better than this. Keep having compassion for yourself, keep listening to yourself and what you need and do what you can to take care of those things for yourself. Eventually those other people won't have this power over you anymore, because you will have everything you need inside of yourself.

[Armee]

Friday. It's close. It doesn't feel like that break was long enough. I wish you had more time away from that environment. I wish people saw and respected your strength and commitment and recognized your good ideas. You deserve a more respectful environment.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate you reading and the ideas you offered.  I think I will indulge in dreaming a bit.  Perhaps I will make a plan to try out some prerequisite coursework to explore the academic demands.  I have also been reflecting that for some reason I am prioritizing the experience of people that will never be satisfied, content, etc with me and what I do.  I am in a place of feeling very tough in myself - I have a lot going on and it is all weighing on me at the moment. 

.........

Armee, it does feel too soon.  I am shocked at how quickly May has turned into August.  I appreciate your reminder of the respect I and others deserve.  I think in my mind I am moving toward something else and just haven't found it yet.  I will do my best to care for myself. 

..........

Today I feel deep fatigue.  I often think I am tired when really I am overwhelmed.  I think that is somewhat the case today.  My mind has also worked very hard over the past several months. 

At the beginning of each school year I have mandatory trainings I am required to do.  These are delivered through recorded presentations.  Two of the trainings in particular always get to me - one is about school safety (essentially what we are supposed to do in the event of someone trying to harm us) and one is about child abuse and neglect (as I am a mandatory reporter).  I watched those today to get it over with and definitely felt unwell afterwards. 

I am trying to get a place of trusting myself before work on Friday.  A lot of memories from the past especially of my relationship to my father have been coming up.  My father questioned me and punished me and taught me to distrust myself.  I have moments where that part isn't so big, but it is feels big right now. 

I have four colleagues in particular that I dread seeing.  They loom large in my mind.  I don't know why I give them so much space in my mind and why I feel so incompetent with them.  I think some of it is because they don't play by rules I can recognize.  They say one thing and mean another.  They make me feel like I am the problem yet do nothing to modify their own behavior.  They press upon deep wounds of mine and it is tough to separate the past from the present with them. 

I made a goal to focus on breathing this month because that is something I can do at work too. 

[rainydiary]

Wow. 

I am not actually surprised by what I am about to share but it hurts. 

I checked in with my principal today about the workspace I was promised and she told me that the plan has changed. 

I think I will essentially be expected to sit where I was told I would be sitting in May which prompted me to cry and try to find a new job. 

It feels like she has turned on me. 

I'm not surprised by this but I feel betrayed. 

I have committed to myself to stay and fight.  I think this is a direct reaction to me standing up for myself.  But it stinks and hurts.

For all I know, the other person in the meeting had a hand in this too so I now lack trust in everyone. 

I am glad to have this information before I show up on Friday, but this is just another step on the path of me walking out of that place. 

[Armee]

 

This feels like a big betrayal indeed. Especially because you had plans to leave because this situation was not workable for you. As much as you can keep your eye on what matters, which is serving your students and protecting yourself from unreasonable action has the principal offered a meeting to explain the unexpected lack of change?

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words and question.  She offered information in her email response.  Based on past interactions with her, I know she will not feel any understanding or remorse for this or that she has betrayed anything.  I find it interesting that she wouldn't have said a word to me if I hadn't asked and I would have shown up at work and likely gone into the EF I am in now. 

I believe that we will be having a team discussion this week.  I'm worried the tide has turned against me.  Trust for me has been deeply broken and I am not clear on how I will move forward.

........

I am still very upset.  I'm trying to identify and focus on what I can have a say:

My plans with my students (most of them anyways)
Identifying places I can sit at work when I need a break
Identifying a way to document these experiences
Focusing on my breath
Reaching out to people that support me

I am trying to feel proud that I spoke for myself.  These behaviors are not a reflection of me.   But I have serious concern about my ability to be successful in these conditions.

[Armee]

Can this in any way be considered reasonable accommodation due to PTSD to have a workspace elsewhere?