Accepting Myself

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i can only commend you for writing your truth and allowing it to stand w/o backing down.  i also think truth is truth, and your truth is real, honest, and needed to be spoken by you at this time.  foo will do and think what they want about it - there's no stopping that - but i see this as a self-care/self-advocacy situation.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support and 'rude-away' spray.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting in this way as it supports me in learning ways I can consider my experience.  I hope that continue to find moments of pause to consider.

[Hope67]

 

[Blueberry]

blueberry, i can only commend you for writing your truth and allowing it to stand w/o backing down.  i also think truth is truth, and your truth is real, honest, and needed to be spoken by you at this time. 

Thank you. You're right. It really needed to finally be spoken!

i see this as a self-care/self-advocacy situation. 

You're right. That's what it is. Thank you for pointing that out in so many words.

'rude-away' spray

I love it! 

__________________

I'm doing somewhat better today. More energy. I won't say I bounded out of bed but I got up with more ease than in the past few days/weeks and I got up with some plans for the next while and with more things taking shape in my head.

I was able to teach better today than in the past while, much more structured this afternoon and I was able to prepare properly in advance. Sometimes it takes aaaages and it's still not adequate, in that I continue to feel all unstructured in my own mind etc. This morning I finally cycled out to my student, something I'd been intending to do for months. She'd invited me to drop by her place sometime and I'd never managed but now I have! Lovely place with a lovely garden. I knew it would be helpful for her language-learning if she had to talk about her garden and show me around. I didn't have to prepare that much either. I just had to get there. It was good for me to cycle. I was surprised and heartened that I didn't have to get off and push my bike anywhere altho there are a few long, steep hills up and down both ways.

I do have more to write and want to comment on other people's Journals too - maybe a bit later.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, blueberry, that sounds like a lovely day. How nice that you could get out and do that! And I agree that learning is so much easier when it's fun and you like the topic. That's why I started my Spanish with food and cooking. (I should get back to that, LOL) Here's wishing you more lovely days.

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF!

Today I ignored my alarm and missed my occup. T appt. I'm lucky that OT is very cool about that. I did phone him before the end of the appt this time.

I have so much bubbling below the surface but can't face writing tho doing so would probably help. It's mostly stuff about the present - trying to move office or not; clearing things out or not; need to ask LL something - my heart sinks at the prospect; apply for a small job in Nov./Dec.  - would mean I'd probably have to miss choir practice and Xmas singing this year which ought not be a problem but could be, being one of my supportive activities. There's more. And there were crazy dreams last night meaning there's a lot going on in my subconscious. Which is good but tiring and difficult. Often it's best to ignore plans and things like potential moves while all that's going on. But otoh...

My impression is that a number of other mbrs on here are doing huge healing work atm. I wish I was. Till I remember - hey, don't slag yourself off - that email last week was huge.  to self.

[Armee]

Oh my goodness I laughed out loud at you starting to beat yourself up because others were doing big healing work! That email was MASSIVE!!!! You deserve the medal I think. 😉

I also appreciate you calling out elsewhere how the theme seems to be how we were all or most of us primed for further abuse by how we were raised. That's very true.

Hmm. I'd feel sad if you missed Xmas choir...that seems important to you. But congrats on the potential job! That'll be a tough decision for sure.

[Blueberry]

Came on here to write something else, but I'll give it a miss for the moment since quite triggering for me once I write it.

I'm sitting in my office in the evening and I actually have just been finishing up some work. My lights are on, my shutters are open and my sandwich board is still out front. I noticed that people from the house next door were dragging their waste-paper containers and boxes with additional paper and cardboard in front of my office again tho I had asked them not to. So I opened the window and said I'd really appreciate it if they didn't because among other things it makes my sandwich board hard to see. The neighbour asked where she's meant to put the bin instead, so I said 'in front of the shop in your building'.It has a big picture window all the way down to the ground and I know the shop owner doesn't want her buildings' bins in front of her shop, but I don't want them either.

Yes, I know, me and these kinds of boundaries are a big topic and maybe if my other kinds of boundaries hadn't been run over so often in childhood and later by FOO, I wouldn't care. That's what they intimated when I was inpatient. But. I'm accepting for myself that this type of thing still bothers me. I don't think the neighbours are narcs, but somehow in their heads it's better to push all the garbage containers in front of the building w/o a huge shop window down to the ground, even if it's not their building. For them, logically, it impunes me and my office less than the shop in their building. But I don't see it that way. The neighbour was pretty miffed and said 'Good bye' in a pretty clipped way when she'd finished moving her bins back to the front of her building.

Now that i've written it all out, I feel better. But before doing so I was all kind of shivery and jumpy with this heavy feeling in my gut. So people would ask "Is is worth it?" or say "choose which fights you start". Well, this is one I choose. Nobody needs to see it my way, but I'm accepting that that's just the way I am still.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, of course those boundary issues are a big topic for you.  considering all you've gone thru i can't imagine they wouldn't be.  and they may continue for who knows how long.  but i love that you  yourself.  that kind of encouragement and support is what you deserve, not only from others but yourself as well.  please, be as gentle as you can w/ you.  gentle and kind hug coming your way, filled w/ love and more acceptance for who you are at this moment.

[Armee]

It's really positive in my opinion that you stood up for your boundaries and said essentially that you matter. 

[dollyvee]

Yes, I know, me and these kinds of boundaries are a big topic and maybe if my other kinds of boundaries hadn't been run over so often in childhood and later by FOO, I wouldn't care. That's what they intimated when I was inpatient. But. I'm accepting for myself that this type of thing still bothers me. I don't think the neighbours are narcs, but somehow in their heads it's better to push all the garbage containers in front of the building w/o a huge shop window down to the ground, even if it's not their building.

Hi Blueberry,

I don't think you have to make any excuses for setting this boundary. It sounds like you were well with your rights to do so. I'm sure there's a bylaw in there too about where a specific building is to leave their trash. So, well done for recognizing that it bothers you and saying something about it. I think this is what people growing up in healthy homes/relationships learn to do and we have to work at it.

Sending you support,
Dolly

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Blueberry

Ugh, some people are just jerks. Good on you for setting this boundary, regardless of size. You have just as much right for people to see the board as they do a window. Here's to small victories that add up! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for all the responses Very helpful. Too exhausted to write more on that.

I'm doing a bit better today than the past few days but rn I can feel that I've done my limit for today. Feel as if I'm barely hanging on. I did manage to accomplish a number of things though - 3 students for one thing, but other stuff too. Cooked myself a proper meal. Washed the dishes. Did a load of laundry and hung it out. Chatted to friends I bumped into. collected a prescription from GP and then got the medicine. Tidied a little, but a little is better than not at all.

[Armee]

Again, that's a lot to accomplish Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for pointing that out Armee!