Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Just had to add that I finally got around to putting on the tub safety handle. (it's this one https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07XSF5NR3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

Oh My Goodness. This is a game changer. I'm still tired at the end of a shower, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall, either getting out of the tub OR getting dressed. That thing is heavy and very sturdy and so easy to put on.... I love it.

[Jazzy]

It's wonderful that you feel so much better after your shower with the handle! 

It sounds scary that you felt like you were going to fall in the past! I'm so pleased you are listening to yourself and acting to improve your life.

<3 Jazzy

[CactusFlower]

Yeah, I like my showers hot, but being exhausted at the end can lead to a little dizziness or just balance issues if I've been hurting all day. This thing, though... So helpful. This success is really empowering to help me accept the use of other devices if I need them a little better.

[Armadillo]

I think a pink buzz-do is highly called for.



Good job getting the tub handles in!!!!

[CactusFlower]

Another positive moment: My earplugs arrived!  I had emailed them to ask, they do ship from the Netherlands, but they have a contract with Deutschepost, so they take a side trip to Germany. Still, the longest part was once they hit the USA, cause our USPS isn't the fastest and there were Sundays and a holiday in there too. But they're here and they're freaking amazing. The silicone is soooo soft, and it's not that hard to change tips. The XS buds are perfect. All other earplugs I've had in my life have hurt because they're too big. I guess I have small ears. But these are great and even have a cute little carrying case no bigger than about 4 stacked quarters or like a thick apple watch face. And the blocking... Oh happy day.

Our landlord has a lawn service that comes on Tuesdays and they were mowing right outside my window as I opened the package. I got these in and my shoulders literally dropped in relief. It's not total blocking, I can hold a conversation and hear my keyboard as I type, etc. it's just not... as overwhelming. I love these. If anyone gets, them, Amazon has some of the colors and you wouldn't be waiting a week and a half. 10/10, in my opinion, they'll be going everywhere with me now.

[CactusFlower]

And another positive interaction!

So, I hadn't had a ship notice for the cuff replacements for my forearm crutches. I emailed to basically ask what's up with that.  The very kind and responsive customer service person (Cascade Healthcare Solutions, if you need any medical equipment) explained that it's a manufacturer delay and they expect the shipment to get into port July 14th, then Medline will send them all out to the company orders. He even asked if I wanted a refund, but explained that they would be hard to find anywhere since they're waiting to get to port. So it may be another 2 weeks, I bet, but I'm not mad. Treat your customers right, be honest and polite, and I can wait. No wonder they're better business bureau certified.

[CactusFlower]

TW: medical dental visits








Finally got the in-person appointment for my Dr. for multiple reasons. (access is an issue in this state, unfortunately. Not quality, but you wait for appts.) It's on the 28th and even though I set it and it's needed, I feel the anxiety when I think about it. I haven't been to the doc in a couple years since moving here, and I don't like going anyway. Even when it turns out well, I still feel like I'm going to be judged and called a failure/weak/loser or I'll finally have that encounter so many hate where everything is blamed on my weight.  Haven't yet, but I dread it. it's made harder with something like Fibromyalgia because there is only mitigation and coping, there isn't a cure. It will never go away. It will likely never get significantly better. And it's also a PITA when you change Dr's, hope they understand and are educated, and have to explain everything all over again.

I think some of it comes from the doctors I had as a kid, definitely. I know it's a terrible stereotype that drs (and dentists) in the military are there because they can't cut it in the real world. But 40+ years ago as a kid, that was my experience. They didn't care how I felt, rarely talked to me at all, were rough and abrupt, and it was like I was a burden every time. And I didn't even need them much other than preventative care. I've never had anything as a kid worse than a night of food poisoning, never broken a bone, etc. But there always seemed to be that air of "okay, you're fine, you're done, get out" in those offices. And the military dentists were even worse. Never a concern for my pain tolerance, and nitrous oxide does nothing for me. Just shaming me for a small mouth crowding my teeth, but never suggested braces that I know of. It was just more of the "can't do anything right" shaming.

My doc has received my former records, at least, so that got done. And they put my note explaining my CPTSD and how I might dissociate in my chart. So I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. She's okay on the phone, so... we'll see. I just hate waiting, because that just gives time for those worst-case scenarios to pop up in my head and freak me out. Next week's second mammogram/US is wigging me out enough. I was laying in bed last night thinking, what if they find something for real? what if it's terminal? Who would I leave my stuff to? I had to yell at my Inner Critic again to get that voice to shut up. UGH. just UGH.

[Jazzy]

I hear how difficult this is for you, Sage. 

The way those doctors and dentists have treated you is not acceptable. I'm sorry you have been through these experiences. What you wrote about the nitrous oxide is especially powerful to me, because I have a similar condition, though the details are different. Though I wish things had played out a different way, it is good overall that I no longer have my natural teeth. The unwillingness of dentists to truly listen and understand me when I tell them about my pain is... too much for words right now.

I hear and understand your fear of judgement, and how challenging it is to change doctors. It sounds like your new doctor is good so far. While that may lead to more challenging situations, as it sounds you are expecting, I hope the two of you can find a way through them, and work to improve your health and life as best as possible, without being overwhelming, especially considering the CPSD and Fibro.

You are certainly not weak or a loser. I hope you find some peace, especially about the topic of finding something terminal. As difficult as it is, we all come to an end eventually. What is important is what we do before we get there. You have many unfair challenges in your life that others do not, yet you are doing great! 

<3 Niko

[Armadillo]

Hi Sage. 

I hope your doctor is kind, understanding, and informed on fibromyalgia and that you encounter none of the feelings you are being blamed that your past experiences have teed up for you. I've had many similar experiences and it makes going to the doc sucky until you find one you trust. (Well, who earns your trust.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you both. She's been responsive so far through the portal and her office people seem nice, so I have hope.

Alas, I now have to figure out how to find a local used computer desk cheap, as the pullout keyboard shelf broke. being a short person, I have my keyboard on top of the desk, but this will hurt after a short while. There's options, but it's a bit frustrating.

[Jazzy]

That certainly is frustrating! I'm sorry this came up, Sage.

I wonder if there is another solution available. Those pullout trays have never worked for me. Not only do they break quite often, but they feel cramped and uncomfortable.

I wish I could offer a good solution, but I'm a tall person, so it is difficult for me to understand all of the physics involved in this as it pertains to others.

While the details are different, it reminds me of how my kitchen counters are all the wrong height for me. That is painful and stops me from spending more time enjoying myself, such as with cooking. I don't think there's an easy answer, so it's on the back burner for now.

I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. It sounds like a little thing, but it is extremely important!

<3 Niko

[Jazzy]

Oh, hey, I just saw the picture of your earplugs!

That's awesome that you posted it. It's so challenging to open up and share like that. Excellent job pushing yourself to improve like that. 

Thank you for sharing like this. 

<3 Niko

[CactusFlower]

The Hair adventure -  The first stage is done, that was... interesting. We decided to go to Ulta (a hair and cosmetics chain with a salon, like Sephora but not quite as expensive? as they were a little cheaper on the color I want than Sally Beauty Supply. (hair and nails, more beautician supplies.) We could smell something perfume-y before we even got in the door of Ulta. Once in, I and my brother (he's gonna color his hair as well) nearly gagged and were trying not to choke. Between the smell of all the cosmetics and the hair stuff, it was floral and horrible. And of course, what I needed was all the way in the back. We power walked and found they had the color, but not the bleaching kits. (weird) So bro had to leave the store to breathe and I powerwalked up to the front to hurry and buy the color. We decided to go to Sallys as I knew they had the Manic Panic bleaching kits, which are good. It took a good 5 minutes of driving before the smell left our clothes. Honestly, I will never go to one again. I'm sensitive to scents and that was worse than a candle/bath store. Sallys did have the bleaching kit as well as extra gloves and caps. Plus, the gal in there is never pretentious and ever so nice. I think she and Toni bonded over the slightly gothy makeup, LOL We only got one bleaching kit because I have a buzz cut and his hair is really short. Honestly, the two of use only used about 2/3 of the final amount of mix.

So we bleached our hair and let it sit while we caught up on Loki on Disney+, then washed out. His is a little lighter even though his hair was darker, it was ashier brown. I still have a lot of red undertones in my hair, so mine is a super pale gold.  Not platinum, but close. Tomorrow, we'll do the color to give it a little rest. He has some blue left from last time he likes. I'm kind of excited to see how vivid mine ends up. I chose Arctic Fox brand "Virgin Pink" (rofl) which is a slightly bluer pink not quite fuchsia. I liked it better than more flamingo-y shades, and I knew I didn't want pastel types. I am way too pale for most pastels. I may or may not post a pic. I tend to hate photos of myself, so there has to be a lot of good feelings to do a selfie. Here's a random post on reddit of someone who used this color so you can see how vibrant it should turn out. https://www.reddit.com/r/HairDye/comments/gpv90n/i_dyed_my_hair_with_arctic_foxs_virgin_pink_was/

Also, Arby's has apparently discontinued their potato cakes after all these years. So to heck with them. If I'd wanted fried, I'd have ordered them.

An old college friend should be coming through town mid-August, we're going to meet up for dinner. He visited... oh gosh, 2019, I guess, yeah. We were good friends and have kept in decent touch over the years, it'll be nice to see him again. At least we're all vaccinated and the state has opened up again since we have so many people vaccinated.  Not all, but we were leading the pack there through most of it. Hmmm... Why are so many men I know allergic to cats? Weird.  Anyhoo, I'm going to go put a cooling rag on my head. It got up to 102 today and expected to again to tomorrow. YUCK.

[Armadillo]

  hooray for hot pink. I'm laughing so hard at your description of walking through Ulta cause that's how I have to do it too. Sometimes I get so upset by the overwhelming smells I start to cry it's too much. Its funny to be someplace like this forum where these traits that feel like weird quirks are so normal. 

[CactusFlower]

Thoughts: I am trying, these last couple years, to change or at least challenge my previously-held...ideas? Biases? I dunno, just not be so rigid on some things. I know some of the things I previously thought were in reaction to things the Male Parental Unit said or did. While it does take quite a while to change the way I think, I at least can consciously realize that my limitation is a reaction. Maybe it's best explained with examples.

For years, I thought I hated lime popsicles and strawberry ice cream. Then I remembered in my late 30s that it wasn't true. He loved those things, but did NOT share, and god forbid anyone eat "his" stuff that were treats. I realized I was "sour grapes"-ing them because I hadn't been allowed to have them unless he felt generous. So I decided ----that, I can like them if I want to. Now, they're some of my favorites.

For what I thought was most of my life, I thought I hated the color pink. It's true that I don't look good in MOST shades of it in general, but it was to the point I wouldn't buy anything that was pink. (like clothes, housewares, etc. food doesn't count) Work with my therapist made me discover that my Inner Child loved pink. *I* used to love pink. So I gave myself permission to like pink again. I now have my tea set, a shoulder bag, a pink tshirt, pens, quite a few pink things in amongst my other stuff and it's perfectly okay. (It's also amusing how much other adults will let pass if you say you're doing Inner Child work, LOL)

My parents divorced when I was 11 and Mom and I came back to the States from Okinawa. Being that it was expensive to call and post in the 80's from overseas, my contact with MPU declined a lot. He did make the trip for my high school graduation, age 18. He arrived with his barely-4 -years-older-than-me Thai wife who could barely speak English and was heavily pregnant. That was the last time I've seen or heard from him. I then apparently told myself I didn't like Thai food. It didn't help that at the time in Denver, there was NOT a lot of Thai or Vietnamese dining options. When I moved to Seattle, I tried Vietnamese food, but I've been informed that the places I ate were crappy quality.  Ironically, where I live now has incredible food diversity. So I've willingly tried the good places and lo and behold... I really like that stuff when it's made well. But at least I got rid of a terrible bias.

So, another thing I don't like is macaroni salad. There's something about the combo of mayonnaise and cold pasta I find revolting. So I decided to try a different version. I found a recipe for a cold Mediterranean pasta salad with olives, tomatoes, onions, tuna, pasta, and spices. it added a dash of lemon juice and.... wow. That was actually good. So that's a new thing I can eat that isn't unhealthy. And it narrows down what I didn't like about the others, which was clearly the dressing bit. I just needed to actually TRY something new.

Challenging my perceptions. It's a good thing.