I HATE HOLIDAYS and I used to love them ** broken family triggers **

[Wife#2]

I'm learning more and more that my mother is likely undiagnosed BPD, Histrionic and Covert Narc. And she's been enabled most of her adult life, so she's very comfortable with her lot in life.

I, on the other hand, am doing the self work, which seems sometimes to make me more my authentic, optimistic, loving self. Enter the Covert Narc - and I'm completely drawn back in and feeling horrible about her and then about ME again. And my poor husband is sick of seeing the cycle. He's sick of having to rescue me out of myself all over again. Not that he'll stop, because he loves me. He just hates that I get drawn in so easily, damaged so easily, and he's left picking up the pieces with me.

I really used to love holidays. I don't know why, they've always been stressful. Maybe because in my youth, Mom and Dad would at least be home - face time counts, even if it's shared with all my older siblings. We would do things as a family, like watch 'Wizard of Oz' or 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer'. And, at least on Christmas, Mom's preference for Golden Child son wasn't quite so obvious to the rest of us. Maybe because I was deeply enmeshed and as I got older, she could make the holiday about HER (throwing parties for her friends, going to the theatre - fancy spelling intended). By the time I reached adulthood, I don't remember us even bothering to get a Christmas tree. She built her own fake tree out of a tomato plant frame, garland, a string of lights and silver-spray-painted pine cones. It was beautiful, but was clearly NOT about Christmas for children anymore.

Anyway, this Thanksgiving has proven to me that I am both not ready and not yet equipped to deal with my mother or father for the holidays. And I want to scream at both of them. And I found out for certain that my sister isn't the safe-harbor I thought she was. She has drawn me into conversations only to extract the information parents wanted out of me but were too (I don't even know, pig-headed?) to call and ask me themselves. She is a flying monkey and that makes me the saddest of all.

I have no ally in my FOO. They really DO have no respect for me (proven recently by Sis saying she'd call at 9AM for us to meet up. She called instead at 12 Noon, telling me that she'd been up since 10:30. AND SHE WAITED ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF TO CALL ME. Then, she didn't like what I had to say, because it wasn't, 'All's forgiven, now that you've kept me and my family on hold for three hours without even a phone call when you got up, I am at YOUR disposal - what do YOU wan to do about meeting up?'

I want out of that family! I want to cuss a lot of them out. I want to ask them what was so bad about me that they all think they deserve to treat me that way! And then, the backsliding of negative thought. Then, and Husband SAW it happening, tried to stop it, the crud about me being so worthless that it's what I should expect.

Hubby went on a rant FOR/WITH me about how they are scum to treat me so badly and that I am so wonderful, the best thing that's ever happened to him and our children. Of course, he loves my Dad, so doesn't see Dad's part in all this, but still - at least he was pointing out to me all the things I've done and said and kept my word and tried my best, only to be looked down upon by the whole of my FOO.

And all I could do was look down and nod. He knew that meant I was hearing him, but not believing a word of it. He kept up until I could respond and look him in the eye. Truth is, I got tired and sad and gave in so that he would stop. I just wanted a really good cry.

Because, after finding out that Sis is a flying monkey for BOTH parents, other Sis and Bro won't have anything to do with me - their opinion of me is so low and I can't talk to HIM about my Dad because of how much he LOVES my Dad, well, I feel really alone. Really alone. Like solitary confinement in a glass room. I can see all of the world out there, but I can't really hear you. And you can't really hear me. And I'm suffocating with nobody to really talk to.

With the pressure on, and the fact that I fell for Flying Monkey sis and covert narc Mom and I only saw them because it's the holidays (and they'd already heaped on a good dose of disrespect so they were feeling generous) has left me feeling drained, stupid, sucker. I HATE holidays. And with a DS8 in the house, that's not a good thing.

[sanmagic7]

you dear sweet lovely being.  how awful that you got the rug pulled out from under you by sis - it seemed like it was going so well, and you were so glad about it.  how sucky.  i'm so glad your hub stood up for you.  bravo for him!  it is so difficult to watch someone you love being dragged into that quagmire time and time again.  and each time we're finally able to pull ourselves out, we feel just a little bit less.

i hope for your sake that you can possibly make your own holiday for your own family someday and leave the muck behind, that you will be able to begin to love a holiday that is caring and loving because you're with your son and showing him how wonderful the holidays can be when he's surrounded by loving, caring parents.    you don't deserve to hate something that is all about gratitude and giving.  there are too many stories like yours, and, in my mind, it's just not right.

[Wife#2]

Thank you, SanMagic. I needed and deeply appreciate your validation!

For two years, Sis has teased me with the idea of moving our Mom to HER city, three states away. I keep supporting that idea, making reference to the point that Mom was happy when we all lived in that city. So, move her already! Nope, they're looking at apartments down here, again. After Sis already told me that Mom's credit is too bad to be accepted at ANY nice complex.

Oh, dang, now I get it. I have good credit, so I guess the thinking was that I was going to cosign? After being burned before? Did Sis not bother to listen about that? So, the 'get me to look up apartments' was to get ME involved at the floor level.  They really hoped I wouldn't notice that they're trying to vest me in this 'move Mom' project.

OMG, I can't believe they're so covertly good and that I'm so desperate-to-be-loved blind! Sis is on a one-track mission to get Mom moved out of her current apartment. Holidays, everything are towards this goal. But, she's finally realized she can't afford this on her own. Enter covert manipulation of little sister. What did she think, that she would change my mind about being used, AGAIN and financially abused AGAIN by our mother because SIS asked? There aren't cuss words strong enough for how angry I am right now.

And the saddest parts are that she didn't even have enough respect for me to call me and talk to me like a person about it, and that she would think I was so stupid as to not ever catch on. Or, maybe that's what those calls were SUPPOSED to be about, but I kept sidetracking them by my refusal to be financially involved with our mother anymore. That's sick! And she's calling our MOTHER mentally ill! That Sis could justify her treatment of me over the past two months in her own mind is infuriating. If she's tired of dealing with Mom, well, welcome to the club big Sis.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to catch on until I was putting my signature on a lease. Nope. Not happening. The more I think about it, the more my fury-temperature rises. HOW DARE SHE. The ONE ally I thought I might still have in this family and that's all busted. Fine, but to betray me by laying this expectation at my feet after all I've told her? Really? So, I guess the best plan is to play it cool. Hide my checkbook, keep a close eye on my bank accounts, credit rating, make sure they're not willing to stoop THAT low to bail Mom out of her current crap-life. And to refuse to give anymore to any member of the FOO, not even my time.

My chest hurts now. Not from anything like a heart attack. I think it's sadness mixed with fury. I want this gone from me before I need to get my home ready for Christmas. This year, it WILL be all about DS8 and granddaughter. Bird-flip to the adults in my FOO.

[Kizzie]

Keep on feeling that anger Wife, it's what will help you move on to living your life for you and not keep getting caught up in the PD behaviour.  One of the toughest things I ever did was going LC with my M and NC with the rest of my FOO but I got my life back by doing so and it was fueled by anger that overpowered the FOG. 

I finally had room to breathe and to fill those spaces inside me that used to be taken up with their PD behaviour with good things for me and my family.  I used to hate holidays too, but now that the pressure is gone and we can do things for us that we like, they're fun again. 

Is it possible to get your M into a seniors residence?  My own M has lots of people she can bedazzle, lean on, etc at hers, so she is more content than living on her own in an apartment. If your M is having some mental health issues it may be that some assistance is available to do so.

[Wife#2]

We're trying to learn the state laws regarding the level of mental illness to qualify her for Medicaid funding. Otherwise, we can't afford to get her into any center. Flying monkey Sis said she's investigated and Mom doesn't yet qualify. I thought that if she (Mom) is a danger to herself and living in unsafe conditions (of her own creation) that she would qualify. Apparently, in my state, there must be a diagnosis of either Alzheimer's or Dementia, neither of which seem diagnosable in her situation. Of course, getting a PD person to submit to a psychologist's testing is a challenge in itself.

So, it seems that Flying Monkey Sis is determined to rally us kids to help Mom move to another apartment, despite her agreeing with me that moving is only a temporary fix, is the path forward. She can try rallying, guilting and whatever else she has in mind. I am firm on this - no financial dealings between me and Mom ever again. Period. Even with Sis as the 'go-between'.

I'm not putting my house up and I don't see any of my siblings offering to do that either. So, I have to divest myself of the emotions right now. I don't enjoy distancing myself from my mother. I've had to before, because only distance keeps me strong enough to over-ride the training of my youth to comply even when it's hurtful to me. This is painful, but that seems to only matter to my FOC. I have backslid so far by becoming involved again. I have begun to feel the guilt of NOT doing more again. I have felt my need for sibling approval rise again, even while knowing I'll never get it. Not in a real way. And, not just for being their sister. It'll only be for how much I do which takes burden off of them regarding our mother.

Many miles to go and not much time to get there....

[sanmagic7]

i love that label, flying monkey sis.  can totally picture that and it's great.

you know, you might've gotten sucked back in for a little bit, they are that good, but you got your groove back, stella, and you're on top of it now.  yay!   you go, girl!!!  you're not responsible for living up to their expectations.  that's their crapola, their issues, their problems.  you have enough on your own plate without eating off theirs.  too much is too much.  glad you reached your limit.  and i hope you can enjoy making your own wonderful christmas.  deck the halls.

[Wife#2]

Yes, I think this weekend, I'm going to ask hubby to help me put up the Christmas stuff. Let's drag ourselves into the Christmas spirit, if that's what it takes, for the sake of DS8 - who has done nothing in his short life but offer love and generosity. Hubby and I have our own issues surrounding this holiday. None of them are DS8's fault. Time to let DS8 have the childhood hubby and I deserved but didn't get. It will be worth the effort to see him smile and be relaxed on that day.

Thank you all for the support and the rally cry - LOVED that rally cry!

::: I'm Stella, got my grove back, Oh, yeah, I'm Stella, groovin' like a groove queen::: <- done to my happy dance music in my head.

[sanmagic7]

dancing alongside you!  and i LOVE to dance!!!