Messages

Recently, I have started to find some healthy friends and guess what - none of them ever asked for an explanation let alone a justification if I set a boundary! They have theirs, I have mine and we get along just fine. Plenty of things we have in common and are willing to share that do not involve making one another feel guilty about setting boundaries. What a relief!

For now, these are my affirmations on the issue of 'boundaries':

- You're worth the effort of negotiating new boundaries.
- Set your own boundaries because toxic people won't.
- Boundaries may vary according to your needs. Be mindful of the moment/situation you're in and the people you're with and set them as needed.
- Don't be discouraged if it takes practise before you can set effective boundaries. Observe, learn, adapt.
- Boundaries are not set in stone. Set them as you need them in order to feel safe in the situation.
- If a person rages at you for setting a personal boundary, they have exposed themselves as a toxic person. Healthy people are used to setting boundaries for themselves and have no trouble accepting yours.

Awesome.

I'm so happy for you that you have found some healthy friends and you have experienced that setting your boundaries is not the problem, but the people violating them.

That's a very tough situation you have been put in, 3of5  :sad no:

I have felt 'let down' by my family members in many ways too, while they have always claimed they "would be there" for me.
I am slowly starting to accept that this is only talk. It has been always talk, and it will always be talk.

It hurts me a lot that the people who have claimed I could count on them, have continuously let me down when I have taken up on their offer. Only to receive either another put down, or indifference.


I've learned to to turn to them anymore, but to search for support elsewhere.

You're not alone in this.

What an excellent doctor.   
He knows his medicine well 

Today I stumbled on this gem:

"I appreciate the people who love and understand me. Even when I'm hurt and pushing people away they know me better and push back with love and support."

Those people are rare and few, but I'm glad I know some.

I'm also really glad you are here, PaintedBlack 

First of all: you're not being too sensitive. You are exactly as sensitive as you are. Not 'too much', and not 'not enough'.
( that's a mantra I have to say to myself sometimes, when I get labeled as too sensitive. Or am I now doing exactly what you cannot stand? If so, let me know)
But I do believe the mantra is a right way to approach these things. I hope it helps.

It's a tricky subject for me, and definitely a trigger for me.

I've found that what you describe happens a lot. I think it's probably due to the fact that so few people get actually 'an education' in having conversations. What you describe is 'having a talk'. Which is something completely different.
And yeah, it's bloody annoying when this happens. I've found in general that people have a hard time to show genuine interest in 'the other' and they in general talk a lot about themselves.
If it's a co-worker or the person next-to-you-in-the-bus it can already be a drag, but when it's somebody you consider 'close' (a friend, family, the co-worker with whom you've already shared an office with for 6 years) it can be infuriating.

Probably the best thing to do is to acknowledge your sensitivity and annoyance when it happens and take the cue: that person is not the right person at that time to share your 'stuff' with. (perhaps even: that person is never the right person to share your stuff with)
Sad, but true.

great one!

Thanks, Jdog.

A worthwhile endeavor. For me, too.

[bold]

her response was kind of hurtful: "I went through worse and I got over it much quicker."

Ouch! 

I don't have a clue about how you could make your spouse understand, but I will respond to these (in bold)

Am I just a coward, making a big deal out of nothing? No  Much of my adult life has been an exhausting, demoralized slog through depression and anxiety.  I wasn't raped or brutally beaten, so do I have any right to feel this badly or even talk about this? Yes Should I just shut up and make room for those who have really suffered? No

Am I just weak? No

This isn't about who was hurt more as you wrote ("I never made a comparison"), and that is what made HER reply so hurtful!

Perhaps that is just what you should say to her if this happens again: "This isn't about who was (or is, if she insists she is 'over it') more hurt. It's over the hurt I have now!"

But I'm a longtime bachelor, so probably I'm not the most "in the know" person around  .

Hugs, I feel your pain,
Hysperger

(If I may so blunt)

  61

Abuse Awareness: Deep Red (13/15). Damn. I thought I had made progress...
Self-care, Detachment, Realistic View of Family: Red (11/15) Yeah. Fits.
Blame vs. Accountability, Anger Awareness: Yellow 7-5/15 Happy about the Anger Awareness 
Support Network: Green! Yay! (3/15)

[me]

Ouch! Tough one, and a triggering one for me.
But hey, I'm answering you, so that's all OK.
My sister is 6 years older then me, and we have been talking about FOO-doo for all I can remember, which has in the end turned me off. I've gone NC with her. Would have liked it to be different though, so I'll give you my take on it anyway.
I might be a bit biased though  .

it feels like I'm breaking the dysfunctional code by bringing it up.

You are (if you do bring it up). For better or worse. It can go either way.

Also, she can get preachy and judgmental which also scares me. Follow up questions from her when I do share feel gossipy versus compassionate. I'm not sure I'll get support but rather more negativity

Check. This is how my contact with uHPDsis was like. Ugh

so I was thinking of prefacing it with the fact that I'm in therapy, not looking for advice, just observations. (Eek! Vulnerability! ) When mentioned previously that I was going back to therapy I got a "been there done that" response

Check.

but she has much more unresolved crap to deal with (she can truly fall into "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone" mode when we talk childhood)

Check.

so I hesitate to tell her but I think she could learn a lot about PTSD and how it has impacted her.

I've given up about 'teaching' sis anything. "woe was me and I had it worse than anyone", comes to mind. She doesn't like input from me. I'm still her baby brother, and she is my big, more adult, more wise, more experienced sis. Perhaps even my 'better' mom.  I really have the feeling she still sees me as the 'little brother' (of 12) and not as the 50-odd man I'm now. We can't 'level' so to speak. When we obviously are 'level' by now.

She wants to be closer but her attitude keeps me at bay.

Check. She says she wants to be closer. But she doesn't move, and I'm not really allowed to come nearer too.

Pouring all of this out could give her more insight to me - or and totally piss me off!! She  has no clue of the things that happened to me because she was gone by the time I was 8 12.

Check (bolding/editting mine)

My primary goal is to get to the anxiety issues and what was going on in the adult side of the house. Ultimately the answer is that my parents never did anything because my problems were caused by them and they wouldn't want to admit that. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. It could simply be to bring the topic into the open and quit tiptoeing around the topic. But is there anything to gain 45 years later? It's my issue not hers and she probably never thinks about it.

(bolding mine)

I think this is the central question, and you already partly answered it.
Whether you contact her or not, it will remain your issue.
Speaking with her about it could make your 'task' easier. But also it could make it harder and more complex. Or it might not have any effect either way.

It might be a good idea to first pursue the question "what am I looking for?" (with sis). Probably with your therapist as an aid.
And when you've found an answer to that: will contact with my sis bring what I'm looking for closer to fulfillment?

To me, it looks like you have many reservations to contacting your sis, about this subject, at this point in time. Pay attention to that.

Hey, it's already been 45 years. What's the rush  ? (I do understand the urge though. But that is a different thing)
"Raise it" when you feel ready. Now does not seem a good time, reading this.
Perhaps it doesn't need any raising.

Good luck, you'll make the right choice anyway. 

Thanks for bumping this.

And Schrödinger's Cat: thanks for the kick-off. It certainly rings a bell!

SlowDownslowdown slowdown...slowdown....slow....down.....slooowww......

[lose]

Thanks for your post, woodsgnome.

Hope is a difficult concept for me. I've also struggled with the hopelessness of hope at times (as it seems to me you are too).

Last year a new view on hope was presented to me. Someone defined hope as 'active waiting'.
I'm still struggling to get my head around what this actually means, but somewhere deep down I feel there is truth in the statement.

I used know hope as a passive thing. Not much more then riding out whatever misery I was in, because at some point it would all have passed and *pouf* out-of-the-blue something good would emerge. That 'real' hope would emerge, something I could truly believe in, work on/work with. A light on the end of the tunnel. And that 'Hope' was the means to actually get that far.

I am now tempted to think that such 'hope' is actually resignation.

Possibly a key thing that I need to learn now (if I am to fully embrace the concept of 'actively waiting' = hope) is that I can/am allowed to lose hope. I can, and am allowed to, to stop actively waiting for something that I at sometime discover to being "waiting for in vain".
If I have lost the idea I can 'actively wait' for something, i thus have lost hope.
And that can be OK.

I can then 'actively wait' for something else.
I may then have found new hope. New in the very essence of the word.
Hope for something completely different.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense.
Like I said, I'm still trying to get my head around it.
It's a paradigm-shift. And I have not arrived at the new core. But something inside me says the old core is over and done with. And I can be 'better' because of it.

I hope (for lack of a better word) this helps...


Wishing you the best 

Thanks for sharing your story.
It'll be great to have you around.