Boundary busted, under the guise of good intention.

[Dutch Uncle]

I have told my father that I don't want him to call me, nor mail me. He can write letters/postcards if he wants.
I won't go into the details why (I've written that elsewhere), but I did tell him why.
There is one exception to this boundary I have set to him: He can phone/mail if it's "urgent".

On Sunday he has phoned me (I missed the call), so I checked my mail. It was a well-wishing mail.


Another boundary-bust, and I hate it. I'm so angry!
So I've been struggling since yesterday with my anger. My rational (read: conditioned) part wants to reason it away, And my Inner Critic says "Don't be so uptight, it's a well-wishing mail/call, for crying out load!"
But this morning I see the forest for the trees: It's a 'narcissistic' ploy* to reel me back in. The well-wishing is nothing more than ribbon on a turd. If it is dressed up nicely, it doesn't smell. Or some such.

*Now, I don't know if my father is a narcissist, I still suspect he's an Aspergers with a severe case of narcissistic fleas. And although I wish to have a good relationship with him, and love his well-wishes that are so scarce by any measure, I'm so annoyed he again busts my boundaries, which has been so typical in the abuse I have endured for 50-odd years, and which has been so institutional in my 'upbringing' in/with my FOO.

So again I have to be resilient in protecting my boundaries: don't answer, don't acknowledge and mark this one up as another sign it will probably never will get any better: he is simply oblivious to the concept of boundaries as I have been so long myself.
He's a doormat himself, he lets this kind of stuff happen to him all the time, in particular with his wife, still 15 years after she divorced him.
I know this all too well, I have fallen for it time and again: what looks like a present is just a sneaky way to bypass somebody else's boundary.
I guess I have fleas from him in this respect...

Wish me strength.

[arpy1]

strength to you indeed. congrats for seeing it and not getting sucked in. it's hard to really take on board that he will never change, but it's probably the case. took me years to see that in my ex, and in others.

you are the one who is able to change and is doing so. 

[Danaus plexippus]

"ribbon on a turd" You have such a lovely turn of fraise. My father is dead. Now I can tell him everything I ever wanted to say.

[Dutch Uncle]

Well, that threw me in a massive EF. I had a bad day yesterday. It probably didn't help I started the day with lots of coffee, which made me even more agitated. Perhaps. I love coffee, but I have to admit it sometimes winds me up. Other times it's very relaxing... Strange that.
Went for a long walk, where I shouted angrily at my dad. That got me even more worked up it seemed. Back home I started boozing (my alcoholism still kicks in) and wasted the day with stupid, uncomplicated computer logic-games. On the upside I nowadays have YouTube video's on (recovering from) narcissistic abuse running in the background,which helps. I have the idea I sort of de-program myself this way. I was almost typing "brainwash myself that way", but I realize it's the actual brainwashing my abusers installed that is being ousted. These video's (well, they are more "audio's", nothing much to see there) do trigger so many memories, it's shocking. It's such a hard learning, all this abuse. The depth and amount of the abuse only gets larger and larger. On the one hand that's tough to stomach, on the other hand it's so validating: "See? I'm not crazy. I always thought they behaved crazy and annoying, but always was made to believe it was OK. But it wasn't. Never has been." I'm especially impressed by the psychologists and therapist who make these vids. They have the science to back up their claims of abuse. That makes it less 'opinionated', which I need. The Inner Critic can't argue with research!
It is like my sanity is being restored, a sanity I always had but was buried under thick layers of abuse, denial and repression.

This morning I feel much better, calm even. It has passed, this EF. Thankfully. 

[Three Roses]

Glad you're having a better day!