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I feel like I was put into different roles depending on the need of the FOO. The most predominant is caretaker and mascot. But scapegoat was a common one as well.

Hey...I did it! I quit today and feel really positive about my decision. Thanks for all the support here, it's really helpful! It actually went very well, and though I have to relay this info to a bunch of people, at least the major hurdle is finished.

And as per usual....the build up to it was way more anxious then the actual convo.

Blueberry - Yes! It almost doesn't matter what job it is huh? I thought I could kinda hide out doing part time or fun retail gigs but I found the same dynamics came into play no matter where I worked. Although retail was by far the most catty and competitive.  And yea, I grateful to have some time for reflection and redirection amidst the move...I may have to figure out how to do better marketing/sales and just try to have my own office, would be ideal.

GlassChild - Thanks for that thoughtful response, it's very helpful. I appreciate the reminder that it's not their business why I am leaving....I was really caught up in apolo-splaining my departure (theoretically, official notice will be given next week). Yea I'm wondering what career would be best. I'd typically avoided office work out of fear of group dynamics but oddly wound up in a super social, crazy dynamic of a work place and it doesn't work for me. I need something a bit more straightforward. I think I will feel better when I have a job lined up but I am moving 8 hours south and want to take a month or two to reboot. Thanks for the advice!

Blueberry - Thanks for your input, good questions! I'm not sure really. I took my current job (massage therapy) because I thought it'd be low pressure social stuff. But the office I work for is crazy busy and the dynamics between the front desk and management and others are really triggering to me. My clients are pretty great over all but take a lot of out me physically and energetically. I tried out working for myself and LOVE it except I can't make enough to cover my bills. And selling myself/networking just triggers me like crazy (wish I could get over it but I've come to accept this). So I'm considering other options and maybe I'd do better working with a computer after all. Not sure though. Thanks for bringing that up, that gave me a good chance to self reflect/rant

So after much thought and 3.5 years at my current position I've decided to quit.

There are a lot of reasons but the main ones are changing careers, relocating and workplace dynamics. So pretty objective stuff and I feel confident in my decision. But I've been really triggered lately as a result and would appreciate some tips.

I have GAD and usually experience low level anxiety on a daily basis with spikes going to and interacting with people at work. But in recent weeks/days I can only sleep 3 hours a night, and have been getting full on panic attacks. I think once I officially quit I'll feel a bit better but my job is client intensive and I plan on giving a months notice...so I'll have to give the leaving speech about 50-60 times to various people. Which won't be fun.

And I know in 3 months time I'll be in a better head space and figuring out the next steps. I have a few ideas but my cPTSD is heightened at my workplace and I want some time to distance myself from it to get clear about the next direction.

Also, are there certain careers that are better for those of us with cPTSD than others? For example I really want to avoid sales or anything with a boom bust cycle if possible. I'm thinking a routine 9-5 might be better for me then random appointments and being on call. But I'm not sure really. And that would likely require getting an online degree while working, which I'm totally open to.

Thanks in advance

I had about 6 sessions of somatic therapy, in this case labeled trauma massage. My practitioner had a varied background, can't seem to recall one method she employed, it seemed like a blend of things. The emphasis seemed to be on allowing feelings to come to the surface, describing them, processing them and then attempting to replace triggering memories with healing ones. After that we'd do a series of massage moves that I'm not entirely sure what they accomplished. I found that getting in touch with my emotions and how they manifest in my body was helpful, but I didn't have a clear idea of where we were heading and it started to feel like the same thing over and over again with no clear goal. As I've spent a lot of money on therapy in the past, I decided to take a break and apply  what I learned in my life with the 6 sessions.

a_bunny congrats on standing up for yourself and sticking to what you know is the right thing. I feel like that shows a lot of progress/healing has occurred if the regular pattern for you is just to go along with whatever this bully wants. It's hard to break those patterns and I think a lot of people fall into that habit of peacekeeping(I know I do). So I'd really focus on holding on to yourself and keeping that energy going moving forward.

If this guy is particularly combative, it may make sense to consider getting out of the environment. It's tough because there can be difficult people at any job, but there's a special kind of difficult that makes things impossible. And this is just my perspective but talking to people like that generally is fruitless. They aren't good at self reflection (otherwise they wouldn't talk over people, yell, etc) and so it'll be this uncomfortable convo with little to see for it(imo/e). One thing that helped me was to observe the person causing my grief and see how they conducted themselves the same way with everyone. It didn't change their behavior but it helped me take it less personally and realize their behavior wasn't my problem to fix. But still, it's not fun nor productive to deal with someone like that at work.

I hope things work out smoothly for you.

movement - yes! Totally, when I finally get my IC to quiet down it's like the calm before the storm. Crazy, all hands blazing IC attacks occur and def make me launch into an EF. I try to see if for what it is but it's seriously hard. I'm encouraged to keep going in that I trust that this is a sort of "grand finale" of the IC. Or at least, I'll be able to gain some control over it.

Dutch uncle - fantastic point...let it be good enough.

It's easy, when doing self work, to get caught up in the fixing and not appreciating the moment, the relationship, the self.

Good on you for protecting yourself and going LC when you felt you needed to. I like that you observed and shared where your sister learned this dynamic. I feel empathy for you both, because she's just acting out her programming (not that it is an excuse). When we have dysfunctional parents, we go through life doing what we're supposed to do...it just happens that we got dealt a bad hand :-/ So then we rebuild, which ain't easy but is oh so important.

Re-Association, I love that term, hadn't heard it before.

Great post Elizabeth, I think these are excellent points to address. It's a challenge to ID triggers then find ways to lessen their impact.

For me, I am majorly triggered by eating a meal at a dinner table. Even going out to dinner with friends can, but not always, trigger me. So I refused to eat dinner at the table and usually would find ways to eat alone (even though I am married). When I realized I had this trigger, I looked for options to change the tactile sensation of eating at a table. I threw out my old table (which, was originally my parents...not good to keep these things) and bought a counter height table with chairs. It feels very different to sit at and I find I use it more now then I ever had. My husband and I started eating breakfast together and I'm not even triggered.

There are some triggers I haven't learned to deal with yet, like going to Target or grocery shopping. Super overwhelming and anxiety provoking for me. I basically remember to breathe and stay in my body but it's not something I enjoy at all.

Curious to see what input others have

Thanks 3 roses, that is a great article

Yes, too much caffeine is a trigger for me as well, even though I do drink a ton of the stuff. I'm working on timing it better, tends to be worse first thing in the am.

Also, being cold triggers me big time. Interesting to note these things

annakoen - It sounds like you have been through a lot of challenges growing up, and trust that it will take time to reverse the damage your FOO caused. It does get better, though for many of us it can feel slow. But I agree with Otillie, you look around one day and think "Hey, I don't feel a deep horrible emptiness in this moment, how about that?".

In your situation, it sounds like a big point of focus is learning to take care of yourself, this is a big one. When you've been parentified, you then have to learn to be your own parent in order to heal. I'm going through that right now and it's been helpful for me to think...OK, in this moment, what would I tell a child to do? "We need to go to bed by 11p so that we aren't tired when we get up at 6a tomorrow", "We are going to drink a green smoothie so that we get plenty of vitamins and hydration and feel good for the rest of the day.", "We're going to wait on this trip so that we can pay down some debt and feel less anxious about the finances", "I know your scared but it is going to be alright, we're going to get through this." It's kinda weird but it works for me, I guess I'm talking to my inner child.

Another thing I struggle with is reminding myself that I'm WORTH taking care of. I noticed I'd start doing Yoga then just stop after 5 mins. I wondered why and noticed my internal critic was questioning if it was worth spending time to be healthy...or doubting that it/I was worth it. I have to remind myself I'm worth it over and over again to establish new habits.

It's very counter-intuitive for me, and that's OK, just have to learn new patterns.

I totally get the work thing, I panic when I feel like I can't get away from something. This is true of a lot of situations...like I never carpool to events, I park so it's easy to exit, I don't like to put my purse down, etc. I just assume people will eventually get tired of putting up with me, which is silly but it's just my programming. I try to notice if I'm being triggered and acting neurotically as a result, try to breathe through it and let it go.

I'm happy you found a therapist you connect with, that's powerful Also, glad you're reaching out in the forums, I feel like we all need various forms of support to heal and this is a great resource.

It's very hard to differentiate triggers from genuine red flags at times. If you can go through and identify what triggers you, and take steps to reduce flashbacks, then it's easier to see genuine red flags in a relationship vs fears of the past

I have been spending time learning about what red flags looks like too, I really never had that sense before. So it helped me to watch the Thrive After Abuse youtube series about red flags. Growing up in an abusive environment I really had no idea what behaviors were problematic and what to watch for. Like, abusive, manipulative people were my normal.

I think it's something that takes a lot of focus and time to overcome, because if we often are triggered, that means there are some entrenched reactions we need to let go of.

reading Pete Walkers book on CPTSD helped me greatly, now I can recognize when I'm triggered, how severe it is and how to reduce the recovery time.

Isn't it the best to find people who just GET you? :-D

Reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD made my life finally, after 31 years, begin to make sense. I finally felt validated and it was like being handed a glass of water in the desert.

The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we have an EF and our subsequent 4F response. The opposing parasympathetic NS is responsible for rest and digestion, which shuts off. So it makes sense that we all have these experiences, not fun though

I've been applying mindfulness in as many instances as I can, especially looking for my triggers. I realized that sitting at a table...a dining table specifically...with others, triggers me like crazy. I've had EFs on a date with my husband, poor guy....didn't do anything wrong. I just hate...HATE dining with others. Due to my stressful childhood. So I have difficulty with food in terms of that.

Also, my convert narc mom guilt-ed me to no end about having to do ANYTHING for me. So when she would cook home made meals I felt horrible eating them. I noticed that I can eat frozen, processed foods quite easily but even when I cook myself a home made meal, I get very stressed and nauseous eating it. So the trauma of her shaming me has definitely affected my digestion. Lame.