Moving forward in therapy, scared

[Dee]

Today my therapist and I discussed goals and what we are working on.  She said it is time to start working on the past.  We have talked about boundaries, relationships, assertiveness, and other things, but not the past.  It may come up now and then, but never as the focus.  She said she wants me to think about, but not too much, about the most pressing thing.  The thing in the past that haunts me the most.  I have survived adult and childhood abuse.  I think it is easy to say that my dad haunts me the most.  However, within that, is something else.  Something I have not told her.  I have hinted in letters, but she can only guess.  How can I tell her what haunts me the most if I can't speak it?  She said we need to look at and file things where they belong.

[Wife#2]

Dee, if you're not ready, then you're not ready. She may really believe that you are, but she isn't you, she isn't inside your head seeing the world as you do. She's good and you trust her and that matters a lot! But, you are allowed to say, 'This far and no more.' You don't have to delve into the deepest, hardest thing in one fell swoop. You can walk down the stairs one step at a time. I feel safe discussing..... I can talk about this, but I'd rather write about that. Whatever it is that will help you, knowing you are safe right now, that is what you allow. For once, you ARE in control in that respect. And the moment you feel that you've lost control, if you start down that path and panic, it's ok to stop and say - I can't do this. I thought I could, but I can't. 

[Dee]

That helps, and I think that is what she would want me to know.  She always tells me she wants me to be in control.  I also I cannot avoid it forever too.  So, one step at a time.

[woodsgnome]

I've been at the corner of 'tell or not tell; how much can I stand' several times with my T, and she can sense when the details are less important than the overbearing grief and fear. Your therapist sounds like someone with that same flexibility.

So far, you've been able to sense how much you can safely handle and/or if she's still with you and aware of your boundaries. You--and she--have acknowledged your difficulties about discussing every detail. 

One of my worst T's was someone who acted more like a typical MD--'tell me all your past history, then I'll cure you.' Sessions became biographical recitations and it went nowhere beyond until I just dropped him.

Certain sorts of details may not be the most important for the T to know, especially if the T has indicated that you indeed are in control. From what you've indicated, she should be able to understand, which is the real key in the relationship. A smart T should be able to build trust, not assume it's there. Wishing you well. 

[Dee]

This sounds right.  She has told me several times that as we do this, she does not need details.  I have wondered what that means?  I think I am about to find out.  But, right now I feel a little less scared.  I do trust her, she spent a year building it. I feel fortunate to have her.  I also don't feel that if she knows the darkest parts she will think less or different of me.  I think she sees me as more than my past.  If she does feel disgust, it isn't of me.  Which is more than I can say for myself a lot of the time.

[bring em all in]

I agree with being in control of what to discuss and to what extent.

For myself I know that sometimes I need a gentle nudge to go a little further. I totally respect that you feel that you cannot speak the unspeakable that you have locked inside you.

I think that, if you can get to a point sometime to confront this, it will be a great release. I know how freeing it felt to unburden myself by sharing something with my therapist that has been locked away for decades. I shook, I cried, I felt like I was coming apart- but I survived it and feel the better for it.

As so many writers have pointed out, our traumatic experiences get locked into our bodies and minds. They make us ill in so many ways. I hope that one day, in your own time, you will be able to speak your unspeakable. Then, it will no longer control you.

[radical]

Hi Dee,
Would it help to talk about your fears about talking about it?  Would that be a place to start?

I don't think it is a good idea to go faster than you are able.  When I try to talk about painful things beyond my ability to cope, my emotions shut down and I become dissociated.  I feel like a robot and can't be helped or supported from that place.

I suspect your therapist might have gotten your hints and that what you have bottled up is well-known as something that often happens and that you would benefit from being reassured and comforted about this.

Shame is so debilitating.  It doesn't belong to you.  I hope you get the support and caring that you need.

[Dee]

Allright, I just reread all of the post about this.  I go to my therapist today and I feel more confident and less scared.  Thanks!

[bring em all in]

I hope things went well in your appointment today! I'm glad that you feel more confident and less scared. But it's okay to be scared as well. For myself, I know that when I'm scared about sharing something in therapy it means I am getting closer to a truth I'd rather keep hidden. At times I've found myself shaking and crying as I open up about something. My mind says it's not a manly thing to do, but I'm learning otherwise.

A vivid example of this is something that I tried to keep locked away because A. It seems ridiculous to be so affected by it and B- I can't even think about it without feeling incredibly sad and angry. I share this not to hijack this thread and make it about me, but to demonstrate the value in facing something difficult.

I was born with a cleft lip and palate, and there are NO baby pictures of me. The first pictures come after several surgeries to close my upper lip. I can rationalize why my parents did this but my hearts pleads, "Why not? Was I really that horrid a sight?" Oh, how I want to see that boy who came into the world, to see him before the world had to "fix" him as best as it could.

Even to me this seems like such a small thing to be so worked up about, but to this day I am convinced that I am broken and ugly and no amount of reassurance can shake this belief, which seems carved into my very being. And that is just the start of a chronic pattern of traumas I experienced. I won't lie and say that speaking this truth has set me free, but I have benefited from letting it out.

Best wishes to you in your journey to speaking your truth.

[Three Roses]

How your appointment went well

[sanmagic7]

hope you had a good session, dee.  if you feel like sharing, we're here for you.  big hug.

[Dee]

It was okay, she asked if it was specific memories or result of what happened or both that haunts me.  I said both.  I was on the verge of tears the entire time.  I was definitely shaken and it was a change from therapy of the past.  We discussed how I saw my dad as so powerful and how I felt he was reduced when he went to prison.  It was crushing.  I said I felt I did that to him.  We discussed how a victim does not give sentences.  We discussed the evidence that was weighed when his sentence was determined.  Also, we discussed how it was his actions that put him in that position, not mine.  How I had no control of any of that.  She said she wants me to think of the evidence and what really caused him to go to prison and fall off the pedestal I  had put him on.  She asked how I would feel if he apologized.  I said I would feel horrible.  I can't explain that.

So, now I get to contemplate that.  I get it, but I don't feel it.  I want to feel it.  It's a start to working on the guilt I have carried for so long.

Thanks for the support!  I can never express what it means to me, really.  This is going to be hard, but I think worth it if I can overcome my self blame.  Maybe, I can survive this.

So it was hard, but it was okay.  We did not go into what the evidence was.  That was a huge relief as of today.

[radical]

Wow Dee,  this is so hard, what you are doing, it takes enormous courage and I feel sure it will be worth it, even if you aren't feeling it yet.  That might take a while to come.  I just know it will.
Hang on till then.  You are doing brilliantly and I'm in awe of your strength.

[woodsgnome]

Writing anything after a hard therapy session is difficult, but I hope it did provide a needed outlet for expressing it as best you can. Intense feelings can be confusing, even contradictory. And definitely scary.

I'm sure many here get that--if one finds that any therapy fits, the next commitment is to accepting that it is likely to be pretty rough at times.  It appears your T provides a safe haven within which the difficulties can be addressed, all in their own time; building courage--we're with you.

[Three Roses]

You'll get there when you are ready. In your timing and at your pace!