Not Alone: 2022

[Blueberry]

Those are all really tough things to be dealing with, Not Alone!

[CactusFlower]

Lots of tough things, I agree!  Sending you peace and the energy you need to deal with stuff. hugs if you want them.

[rainydiary]

Hi Not Alone, I notice you have a lot to process and think about ahead.  I am thinking of you.

[Armee]

It is too much to handle all at once. Small chunks. Don't forget the financial advisor thought you as a family had enough for him to retire on, before you went back to work. And half of that is yours right?

[Not Alone]

Having your support is helpful. Thank you.

I'm trying to take one step at a time. It is a challenge. My survival mode kicks in and my mind races to all the possible problems and possible solutions. Pretty easy to be overwhelmed.

I feel like my H is wanting me to say, "yes I want a divorce," so that he can say WE decided. It takes the responsibility off of his shoulders.

Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation. If I apply for jobs, she would see that because the resume and application goes to a central website. I would really like to stay where I'm at, but in a different role where I could make a livable income. That is my wish. That is my prayer.

A little over a year ago it took so much out of me to job hunt and to deal with a new job. It was super stressful for the Littles when I just moved into a different bedroom. Now it looks like I will need a new job and to find an affordable place to live. All TOO MUCH. One step at a time. One step at a time.

[Armee]

Yes exactly. One step at a time. Divorce takes a long time, too. You have time and it will work out. And if you move eventually, it will be your OWN place. Not being exiled into a room but
your very own peaceful place. When you come home from work you will have peace instead of the painful avoidant silence. It's huge but you are going to be ok. It's huge huge huge. But it will be ok.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you as you find your way. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Don't forget the financial advisor thought you as a family had enough for him to retire on, before you went back to work. And half of that is yours right?

Good memory, Armee!   When I saw your post yesterday Not Alone I thought there must be something like money due to you from that kind of source but didn't want to burden you with thoughts of something else to find out but if the information is already there, then

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, wishing you peace and energy as you work through these big things. 

[Not Alone]

Your care and support (Armee, Rainy, San, BB, Cactus, & all) means so much to me. I believe you are correct about the money. Right now that is too far down the path for me to focus on.

I've been really trying to only focus on what my next step is. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I try to go back to my next step.

This week my H is acting like everything is as it has been. No mention of divorce since Sunday. His behavior, although it goes along with Avoidant Attachment, is really confusing. I feel like I need to keep moving forward to protect myself financially and get a job that will pay enough for me to support myself.

Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation.

My supervisor was very supportive.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, when I read your post, I reflected on how difficult it is to feel uncertain about what's next especially when an important party is not communicating or sharing in the way you need right now.  I hope that you continue to take steps toward securing what you need for yourself.  I am thinking of you.

[Blueberry]

Tomorrow I plan on briefly telling my supervisor the situation.

My supervisor was very supportive.

I'm sorry your h has gone back to avoidance.

I get that that is confusing and overwhelming. You are doing great.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I also think you're doing well to cope with this situation.  Your H being in Avoidance again, that's not easy.  But you have a plan for what you want to do, and that is hopefully something you can tackle.  Sending you a supportive hug, and hope that an opportunity will present itself that will be helpful.   

I am really glad that your supervisor was supportive, that is great. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

I am feeling a bit frozen and my nerves are on edge. I'm off work today. H is gone all day so I don't have the stress of his presence.

More conversations with H. He is really minimizing what he said about divorce. "It was just a thought." I called him on that, but he continued his strategies of taking responsibility off of himself. "That is how you perceived what I said." Crazy-making.

I'm grateful that I have a T who understands AVPD (avoidant personality disorder) thoroughly. He affirms that it is crazy-making and understands the amount of energy it takes to keep my head above water. I also have some friends who have some understanding and/or empathy and support for me.

My H is talking to each of our adult children, giving them a heads-up that our relationship is not going well. He made it clear that he did not want me to be there. (I don't have it in me to fight him on that right now.)

Why would he feel the need to warn the kids if his talk about divorce was "just a thought"? That doesn't match. His words and tone also don't match "just a thought."

I am hoping that a job opens up where I currently work. If that's the case, I might not know for quite some time. It also would be a position with a lot more responsibility, new things to learn, and STRESS. I think, though, it would bring enough income to live on. I like where I work. It is overall a supportive, team environment. My supervisor is very supportive. I would hate to have to leave that environment and take a job somewhere with a toxic culture.

        This week mostly all I could do was to go to work and try to bring some calm to myself. Dealing with someone with a personality disorder is hard on any level. When you add having cPTSD to the equation. . .

Last night and this morning I've been "window shopping," i.e. looking online and putting items in a "wish list" that I might want in my (possible) new home. If that does happen, it is months if not over a year down the road. It helps me to have some hope for a place of peace.

Thank you for you support and kindness.