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Thanks guys! 

Are the bouts of sleep sudden and totally out of your control? I've had depressive episodes where I've overslept, felt lethargic, and found comfort in sleep. I was referring to a sort of sudden and uncontrollable urge to sleep while dissociating. I don't know if they are the same or if that's what Pete Walker meant.

Thanks for the responses! 

Thank you Sienna, Chairmanmeow and Wife#2! I'm way more passive than I am active, so given what all of you have written, I'd fall into the freeze category rather than the flight one. That helped a lot, thanks! 

Also, has anyone ever dissociated to the point of falling asleep? It sounds weird, and I can't find anything about it anywhere, but it's like at some point during a dissociation episode, your body shuts down and you have the uncontrollable urge to sleep, even if you were perfectly awake 2 minutes ago. It has nothing to do with being tired, but it feels more like you have no control over your own body, kind of like narcolepsy. Has anyone ever had that? 

Thanks! 

Hey guys!

Thanks for posting this, but now I'm really confused...  What's the difference between freeze and flight types and how they relate to fawning? I use alcohol to cope too, but I thought it was more of a dissociating response (that would fit into the freeze type). I use it primarily to numb what I'm feeling, not necessarily to escape a situation, if that makes sense? 

Hi and welcome to OOTS Bruisednotbroken! 

Thank you for sharing your story, that took a lot of courage!   
What you lived through sounds awful, and your desire to heal and have a better life is really brave! 
I think you came to the right place. We're happy to have you here! 

Thank you Dutch Uncle!   

Three Roses, that sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through that 

I tend to stuff my feelings and get headaches as a result too. What I've found that works for me is to allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling when I dissociate and get headaches. Just taking a couple of minutes to myself with no distractions and focusing on how my body feels, as well as practicing breathing exercises, has helped my headaches be more manageable. It's hard though, especially since I am so used to numbing myself out and distracting myself from any uncomfortable feelings. I don't know if this will work for you though.

As for the anniversary tomorrow, my heart goes out to you!    These dates can be really hard on us and really triggering and depressing in general. I've found that practicing a self-care routine really helps, and taking time for yourself to do something that you love can fit into that. Whether it's big (like planning a fun activity that is out of the ordinary or going out and spending time with a trusted friend) or small (like coming home from work and cooking your favorite meal, watching a favorite movie, taking a relaxing bath or spending time with a pet), taking time during the day to plan activities for myself has greatly helped me to deal with triggering anniversaries. I think, above all, that treating yourself with compassion, even when you feel tired and run-down, is essential to get through the day. You deserve to treat yourself kindly tomorrow (and any other day, but especially tomorrow).

I hope this helps, sending you a big hug! 

Thank you Three Roses! 

[To my best friend,]

Having C-PTSD can get pretty dark at times, and the abuse, neglect, and abandonment we've suffered can take up a huge part of our lives. I wanted to write this to remind myself that there are still kind people out there. This is a letter to some of the people who've helped me and had a positive impact in my life.

• To my best friend,

You are gone now, but you will not be forgotten. Thank you for being there for me when I was trying to leave my broken home. Thank you for taking me in, that one night when I was 16 and had no place to go. I was soaking-wet, it was freezing rain outside, and you offered me a safe place to stay and some whiskey. Thank you for the endless talks we had, for listening to me rant about my pain, for the deep conversations about everything and nothing. Thank you for the laughs, for the silliness, the drunk fun we had playing Twister and signing karaoke. Thank you for the amazing times we had together, whether it was going on a cheap trip to New York or talking in bed until 2 am. We both ended up in abusive relationships, and we ended up parting ways over this, but you will always be a part of me. You were the only person in my life who saw me for who I really was and accepted me, and for that, I am truly grateful.

• To my Therapist,

I am so glad I have found a therapist who has been able to understand my situation and provide me with much needed help. You have been amazing to work with and have listened to my story with empathy and compassion. Thank you for validating my feelings and experiences, and for believing in me. Thank you for working with me on my recovery and trusting in my abilities. Thank you for providing me with all the tools necessary for my recovery. Thank you for being there for me in time of need. You may be on vacation right now, but knowing that you'll be back in a couple of months and available to start up therapy again with me is a huge help. Having a trusted person in time of need is an amazing gift, thank you for being there for me.

• To the guys in my MMA class,

You provided a safe environment for me when I didn't feel safe in my own body, and you were there for me during a really tough time in my life. I was overeating, oversleeping, having flashbacks and sleep paralysis nightmares, sobbing uncontrollably and dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, and having mind-numbing headaches and migraines and chest pains. But through all of that, going to this class every week always managed to make me feel a little better and put a smile on my face. To my teacher, thank you for believing in my abilities and providing alternative moves for me to practice when my light weight posed a clear disadvantage. It really built my confidence in my own skills. To my colleagues who have drilled and sparred with me, thank you for understanding my triggers and being patient with me when I had panic attacks. Thank you for asking me what I needed and for taking your time with me. Thank you for treating me as an equal even if I lacked experience. This class has made me feel like a human being again and has allowed me to be more in-touch with my body, and I look forward to it every week.

• Lastly, to the people on this forum,

I am so happy that I found this place. The support I am receiving has been overwhelmingly positive and I thank all of you for it. I have been reading some of the stories on here, and have been so touched by them. The pain, loneliness, and abuse that all of you have gone through is hard to read at times, but it resonates with me so much. It helps knowing that I am not alone for having gone through years of trauma and trying to recover from it. I think everyone on this forum is incredibly strong for having gone through this and trying to find ways to deal with it and break the cycle of abuse. Thank you for taking the time to read and answer these posts, for validating the feelings expressed here in writing, and for providing online resources and sharing healing tips. This is the first online forum I have ever joined, and I am so grateful to be here.

Thank you for reading! 

Thank you Chairmanmeow, writing is quite foggy for me and it's something I am very anxious about because of my Narcissistic F. I am trying to work on other things concerning recovery, but writing is one thing I have yet to tackle. Thanks for the support! 

Awesome! Thank you Three Roses 

That sounds horrible Chairmanmeow, I am so sorry you had to go through this . 
Educating yourself and looking back at your situation and trying to heal takes a lot of courage! I think you're in the right place, and I hope you find the resources and help that you're looking for to heal from C-PTSD.   

Three Roses, because it's a spring-summer session, the class is a lot shorter and more condensed. I don't think there are any other options available, as the class is ending very soon (it was only a couple of weeks long due to the short session). I know that, given my schedule, I can always take up another class to fill that requirement.

Thank you for the advice! 

Chairmanmeow, I really feel for you. There have been so many times I've wanted to give up on people all together, and I still think I am fundamentally better off alone. But as you said, I end up starved for human contact and find myself in bad relationships with narcissists or unhealthy people. I think that in order to break that pattern, we have to address the fawn-freeze tendencies we have, as well as our Inner Critic, and it's really, really hard. Although you alone know what's best for you, I urge you not to give up on relationships and people entirely. You came to OOTS for a reason, and I suspect you want to heal from the years of abuse you suffered. Don't give up on finding meaningful relationships with healthy people, and don't give up on your own recovery process. It's long and confusing and hard, but I personally think it's worth it.

You said that your Inner Critic kicks in during times when you felt free with someone else. That voice of self-loathing is from the extensive abuse that you suffered for years, and it's stopping you from being able to form healthy bonds with people. But it's not impossible to break free from that voice. You can learn to quiet it down a little with practice, so that you can be able to let go and have a connection with someone. I personally think it is not impossible, and I believe that with time and practice and the right resources, you can heal and let go of your fawn-freeze tendencies.

I hope this helps, I know that recovery is a long and hard process. I hope you don't give up on it though   

Thank you for this, Three Roses! 

Visualizing my IC with a Groucho Marx nose and mustache made me laugh!
Yes, there's been emotional abuse from my mother for most of my life, I've had a hard time dealing with that. She doesn't know anything about my recovery and it's not for her to judge, but it's still hard to get her voice out of my head sometimes. Thank you for the advice on my IC, I'll try to use that and be kinder towards myself. 

Thank you!! 

Artemis23, your story really resonated with me, I am so sorry you had to go through that 

You are doing a great thing by getting a restraining order and standing up for yourself and I think that is so brave of you 
You alone know what's best for you. I know that feeling you have of second guessing yourself and feeling guilty that you might be hurting him by getting a restraining order. But do not downplay your own pain in this. Your pain is valid and deserves to be recognized. He has consistently hurt you, terrorized you, jeopardized your safety and well-being, and caused you so much pain. Filing a restraining order is for your own safety and well-being, it is not "ruining his life". You deserve to keep yourself safe from this person, and you deserve all the love and support and understanding you need to get through this. What you are doing is incredibly strong. Standing up for yourself, facing your abuser and your trauma head-on, and re-visiting your trauma in front of strangers is unbelievably brave. You have gone through * and you're still here, and you've taken steps to heal. That is amazing in itself! 

I hope you go through this process with compassion for yourself, and I hope you surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through and support and validate you through this. Unfortunately, society can be cruel towards people who've gone through abuse and trauma, and can cause us more suffering and re-victimization. Be kind to yourself through this, this is a hard process, don't forget to tend to your own needs and allow yourself to heal.

Lastly, I just want to add, as someone who has gone through an abusive relationship that sounds very much like this one, this really touched me. Thank you for being so brave, I really feel deeply for you. The psychological, emotional and sexual trauma you've gone through really hits close to home for me. I know that both our experiences are different, but I understand what you're going through, you are not alone in this. I know how it feels to second-guess yourself, to piece back the shattered pieces of your memories and constantly question yourself. Your pain and your trauma are real. Your well-being matters. You matter.

I hope this helped a bit, I am sending you a lot of hugs for going through this