Humor as a coping mechanism

[JRose]

  I have discovered something about myself that I never really knew of, even people around me never suspected this part of me: using humor to deal with difficult subjects 
I first began to notice this new behavior in myself as I spent time in-patient in two clinics.  I noticed that with the other patients there I began to joke with them and kid them. This felt so new and good to me that I looked forward to other group settings where I could be the same way.  But in my everyday life at home, with my family, I rarely joined in the conversations, and everyone was used to that.
As time went on I began by voicing my opinions more and more openly with my husband (the children, three daughters, were already grown and moved out) This was rather unexpected by my husband and he responded most often with "Why did you never say this before?" because he had assumed for years that I shared his opinions on almost everything.
When I was with my daughters I exercised my new found freedom to "be myself" by making unexpected comments and joking with them - very unexpected 
To keep an already long story from being even longer I feel most inclined to use my humor to handle stress, tension, even anger, and it works so well for me that I use it regularly to encourage others 
Any one who is interested, I can tell about a recent example where I got my sister laughing about some of the tragic aspects of her Parkinsons 

[NarcKiddo]

All of this resonates very much with me.

I suspect I started using humour for two reasons:

a) if my mother was laughing she could not be raging at the same time. So getting her in a place of laughter and keeping her there was a safe thing for me to do.

b) laughter was the only safe expression of emotion I could make, but even then it would have got me in trouble if inappropriate. I could not be laughing at mother but I could laugh with her.

I have a very dark sense of humour and I can well understand how you could get someone to laugh about aspects of Parkinsons. I also laugh to express emotion if I am doing something I find very difficult, such as reaching my physical limits in the gym.

[JRose]

Thanks for your feedback,  NarcKiddo  -

[woodsgnome]

  I've been riding the humour bandwagon ever since I realized that it helped me survive most of the times. I also learned I had to keep it secret from the abusive, grim environment of my youth. Humour was also huge later in life, when I landed in an employment situation with a world-class narcissist.


Much of this fits with a quote I ran across recently from American philosopher/psychologist William James, who lived at the end of the 19th century. He noted that "...the ultimate common sense is a sense of humor."

 

[JRose]

I have been thinking about your replies, Narckiddo and Woodsknome, and I guess that as a child I was keeping my inner real self to myself, although I think some of those parts of me came out at times. I made good friendships when I was young and was very close with my younger sister, but there was a whole world of secrets inside of me that i couldn't or wouldn't express. It was when I started letting those secrets out, about ten years ago in therapy, that other inner thoughts and feelings began to come out as well. A lot of what first came out was anger, and hurt, and also denial of the bad things I was uncovering.
After several years of that, I met a woman in the first clinic I went to who had multiple personality disorder. Spending time with her I found that her sense of dark humor was catching and I learned how it lightened up heavy subjects. But it took a few more years before I began to "hear" myself speaking in a joking way, seeing the humorous side in more and more of my life. It was so uplifting for me that I have allowed that humorous one in me more freedom. I enjoy hearing what comes out, almost strangely "watching myself", and loving making people around me laugh! This is probably a normal part of a young person's development, discovering their personality. For me it sometimes felt like an alien part in me. Now I love it   

[Chart]

I know this is an old thread but this really gives me hope in regards to neuronal change. Jrose, how old were you when this "alteration" occurred?

[woodsgnome]

Any thread that elicits a smile or two or more is worth revisiting, so glad to see this one rebound and speak its magic. Humour, even when it's kept hidden, is not just in one's coping toolkit, but its function in everyday life helps soothe the absurdity of much of it.

Of course it can be misused. My antidote for veering off of that cliff is to steer clear of 'put-down' sorts of 'false' humour that feeds one's worst instincts. Same for sexual innuendo and the like.

I noticed this trait early, and was even lucky enough to have woven humour into my vocational life for a while; 'til the somber always serious sorts choked it off. Yet even then I was fortunate to just be content with putting the humour back into hiding its public side for a time.

Humour never fully undid the hurt and horror of lots of the pain, but having had it -- I have to say it was/is the saving grace of my life.