Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope, for the pointers. I am very interested in learning more. So much stuff! Phew!

Re the critical thoughts you had re. attention, I also have them and I am now starting to recognise how unhelpful they are. I think we have them because of attitudes installed in us, not because they're true! Like the others said, we are all worthy of attention, glad that everyone here knows that! 

[Blueberry]

and poo on that ICr - you are precious, never pathetic or just looking for attention.  this stuff is real, it has impacted us in illogical ways, and we all need validation, attention (need to be seen and heard), and support.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all that good stuff, always.   

 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you are going through a lot Hope. Maybe some rest and self care would be beneficial? It seems like you are doing better in the evenings, so that is good. I'm glad you are doing better than last night. Hopefully your sleeping improves soon. Take care!

[Hope67]

2nd October 2019
Thank you everyone -    Not much time to write just now, but I am doing some nice things today - going to meet up with a friend to have a lunch, and I hope to do some shopping too.  So I am doing relaxing things today.  I was dreaming a lot last night, but I can't remember the content of the dreams - but I know it was quite realistic, and sometimes content comes back later, so I might recall them - but the good thing is that I slept well and I slept in later than I normally would!  I normally wake up quite early.

I have a headache, but I think I'm a bit dehydrated so I'm going to try to drink more water and also have some salts too. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

5th October 2019
I don't have sufficient time now to write, but I will just write a quick note - because I want to ensure I write about:
1) The TV programme I watched on Thursday - that impacted my day and the days after - it was a Channel 5 documentary that I had previously taped - I don't think I'll be able to put it in this Journal - I will need to take my writing to the CSA section of the forum, as I need to compartmentalise it somehow - but I will hope to write about it on the weekend, if I can.
2) Write about my new book that has arrived - which is Internal Family Systems Skills Training Manual - I started reading some of it last night and it has already affected me in a positive way.
3) Want to write about the strange feelings I get - with regard to trying to capture my progress, or my process, and how it feels like it is syrup running through my hands
4) Want to write about 'The Waiting Room' and what that means to me.

So many things I want to write about - I just hope my parts will be willing for me to write about them, but I feel sure writing these pointers here will help with that - I hope to do all of the above.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I came back and read what I'd written - listing those points, and thought to myself how enthusiastically I had wanted to list them before, and how part of me clearly wants to make progress on all those things, but when I re-read them, it evoked so many contrasting voices within me, as if different parts were clamouring to be heard, and some of the statements said things like:
'Oh no, why have you listed all those things, I don't want to do them, I can't do them'
'No, it's too hard, you can't do that'
A part of me is angry that I've listed them, as it means now if I don't do them, then I am a failure.
This reminds me of so many themes where I feel like I'm stuck, not moving forward, holding myself back.

I'm just going to free-flow with my thoughts now - because I am aware of conflicts within me, and so many differing feelings.

There was a part that was just spinning around, and wondering what to do - not knowing where to start.   Feeling confused.
There is a part that is angry - would rather I hadn't written the lists - wants to rub them out, but they're already there!
Physically, there's a lump in my throat.  I feel it.

I'm negotiating with them, and it feels ok for me to write a little about the Internal Family Systems book - it's a skills training manual and it's by Anderson, Sweezy and Schwartz.  I started reading it last night, and it was comforting, because when I read it, it's like having a therapist talking in my head, and I can hear a soft and gentle voice when I read the words, and it's comforting. 

I want to quote something written on the back of the book which says "This new manual offers straight-forward explanations to teach clients a new way to identify with their "Self" - separating the person from the symptom to gain control over traumatic experiences"  and lists the following:
* Step-by-step techniques
* Annotated case examples
*Unique meditations
*Neuroscience applications
*Downloadable exercises and worksheets.

It's a good book I think - I've not read much of it, but what I read was comforting and also understandable, and I related to it a lot.  I feel as if when I read it, I not only heard an internalized soft and gentle voice reading it, but I could feel different parts of myself listening and taking heed of what was said, so I feel like they are engaged with it, and it will be helpful.

_____
I'm going to try to talk a bit about the TV documentary I watched the other day - I tried to write it here, but I can't do it.  I'll have to write it in the CSA section, there's a part of me that doesn't want me to put it in my journal.  I'm going to try to do that now.

Hope 

[Jazzy]

Hope, this is your journal, and it is for you, so don't worry about what you do or do not write. It sounds like you're still sorting through a lot, and that is fine. I wish you all the best with that. Also, it sounds like you touched on everything you wrote that you wanted to anyway. I'm glad to hear the new book is helping. Take care!

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you so much   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, glad you are finding the book to be comforting.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,  Thank you    I've not read it much more this past few days, but I'm glad I've got it.  I will hope to read more soon.

***
11th October 2019
Although I came here, I struggled to write anything this past few days - hence I didn't write anything.  I also had quite strong EF's over the past couple of days - I was aware of them, and able to process them a bit better - in terms of recognising which parts of me were feeling disturbed and which ones were present - and I wanted to write about that experience, but somehow there were resistances to that - hence I didn't.  I am relieved that I seem to be calmer today - and I think the EF's are over, or less noticeable now. 

I have been continuing with my voluntary work, but doing far less now than I was before, as I am finding things more triggering - especially interactions with some of the people there - and I'm wondering why I'm doing it.  I'm beginning to think of other things I'd like to do - and wondering whether I'll be able to tackle a new direction, and whether I'll be able to motivate and focus myself to maybe achieve some things. 

I am realising that different parts of myself feel differently about situations and circumstances, and I'm wondering about tackling some kind of 'letter to' scenario where they express themselves, and I might try to write something - because currently I feel as if I am holding in their various perspectives and thoughts and feelings, and because they are contained within me - and not enabled to be expressed somewhere, they end up jumbling up and making me feel stuck.  So I'm thinking about that, and wondering how to release the pressure a bit.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

o, hope, i hate that feeling of pressure.  i certainly hope you're able to find a way to lessen it.

when i read your list, it seemed like it was quite densely packed w/ things to think about and do.  i'm not surprised you kind of got overwhelmed, feeling like you 'had' to do them all just cuz you wrote them down.  may i please say that i don't think you have to do any of them if you don't want to?  if it's best for you to do one, none, all - whatever combination in whatever time frame - then that's what i think it's best for you to do.  just my thoughts, tho.

it's ok to go slow w/ all this new information and stimulation you're experiencing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ calm.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope, reading what you have written here, I recognise that you are processing a lot, and I want to say that the conflict you are describing in relation to your different parts is also very recognisable to me. I know how draining that can be. I find it useful sometimes to switch off completely as much as possible and find something to do that is easy and nourishing, for me something simple like drinking a hot cocoa and feeling comfortable with a big blanket or duvet.

I hope you can find some time and space to feel a little bit of peace too, in among all your processing. 

Sab

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote, and it was very helpful to me, so thank you - my littles/inners were able to relax a bit and not feel pressure - through reading what you wrote, so it was good.  I've had some thinking time to consider things - and come to a few conclusions too - so taking time to do that, it was helpful.   

Hi Sab,
I appreciated very much hearing you say that the conflict I described in relation to my different parts is something that you also recognise and that you mentioned how draining it can be - definitely - and I think your suggestion of the hot cocoa and feeling comfortable with a big blanket or duvet - very helpful.  Thank you   

**********
16th October 2019
I felt like I was ready to write something, but typical - when I get here and am poised ready to write, I can't express what I want to say.  It's like the parts of me that were so vocal before - they've popped out the door - leaving me here, thinking about what to say.

OK, I'll just try to sit here and say what comes to mind.

What I have noticed the past few days is that my physical feelings have been focused within the stomach area, and it's like I've got indigestion or bloated feelings - quite a lot of the time, and as if there's 'stuff' in there that needs to come out - maybe even wind or gas - it's not a nice feeling. 

I re-read my Journal - but only got to a certain point with it, because as I read it, I was amazed by what I've been through - over the months of August and September - it was very emotional to read it, and I was amazed by what I'd written - almost as if I didn't realise that I'd written all those things. 

This afternoon I watched a video that was about 'Making Drawing Fun' which was by an artist called Carla Sonheim, and it was part of a Mindfulness Conference that I'd found online, chaired by someone called Jools Sinclair.  They talked about 'Art Wounds' in the talk - and I found myself sobbing - although I noticed that both Carla and Jools were often laughing - and so it felt like quite an incredulous difference between their reactions and my own, and part of me felt a bit angry that they were being so 'laughy' about it - almost as if they were dissociating or distracting from the painful stuff underneath - and that bothered me. 

I think it triggered stuff for me because I had a few 'Art Wounds' - where I was doing art and then found my expression was stopped - like when I was very small and using the red and pink paints to make pink, but the teacher slapped me hard and I fell over and knocked my water over, and she then blamed me for knocking it over.  I know I have mentioned this before, but a small part of me is constantly upset about that.

Yet as I write about that, another part tells me I'm pathetic to even be bothered about it.

Yes, this is reminding me now - there has been the presence of another part of me that is actually quite critical and annoyed, and has been trying to get me to actively withdraw from supportive things, and I've noticed this, and tried to negotiate or at least to acknowledge the feelings of this part, and wonder why they need to protect me in that way, as I don't want to end up not doing certain things - or being around certain people.  I think it wouldn't be wise for me to withdraw, and yet that part of me is keen for me to do so.

I've been feeling much more emotional and my emotions have been spilling out - in that I've actually been crying more - it doesn't last too long, but it's been easily triggered by things on TV or things I read.  Maybe it's a bit hormonal - or maybe it's just that I'm feeling things more.  I'm not sure.  I'm just going with the flow of it though.  I'm allowing myself to cry - and thankfully it doesn't last too long. 

I'm having flashes of panicky kind of feelings - thinking that my FOO might die - and I keep thinking that if one of them does die, then the other one will contact me, and then I don't know what I'd do, or how I would react. 

I feel a great sense of existential crisis sometimes, well - quite a lot of times lately - and that feels like a void and it feels scary. 

The video I watched by Carla Sonheim about drawing was fun too - she seemed like a nice person, and I could tell from what she said that she has a history of depression, and that she expressed these things in the figures she draws and illustrates, and I 'liked' her character and what she said - once she and the chair had stopped laughing a lot - which had disturbed a part of me that was present.

The collages she had done - using cut out arms from magazines and then adding drawing, and using the non-dominant hand or closing eyes, it was interesting, and I feel I might try something - it reminded me of when I was a child and enjoyed making collages with cuttings from newspapers and magazines, and how I felt like I wanted to be a designer or something when I grew up, but I also felt my M didn't like that playful or creative side, as she was keen to focus me in other areas - there was a feeling that she wanted to shut that side of me down.  Another Art wound perhaps - the concept of an Art wound is a new one to me, I've not heard of that before, but I wonder if that's what closes up my creative side - as I would love to be creative and I hope to develop that side of myself.

I am glad that I've managed to write quite a bit, I really thought I wouldn't be able to - but I've written something, and I do feel better for doing that. 

Hope 

[Jazzy]

You've done a great job getting all this written down Hope. It can be really tough. It sounds like one of your protector parts is working hard, trying to get you to withdraw from supportive things. I guess it makes sense. If you are feeling more emotion in general, than you would also feel that part more strongly.

From what you've written, you've got a lot of stuff going on. Its really impressive how you manage to work through so much. Make sure to take care of yourself too though. Hopefully the artwork will help you feel better. Take care!

[Blueberry]

"I felt like I was ready to write something, but typical - when I get here and am poised ready to write, I can't express what I want to say.  It's like the parts of me that were so vocal before - they've popped out the door - leaving me here, thinking about what to say."

This happens to me too. In my case, it's a sort of system overload problem or I'm not actually ready to express things - it's simply too early. So just sitting there and writing what comes to mind sounds a good solution . What's ready to be expressed will be. The other things will come when they're ready too.

"I think it triggered stuff for me because I had a few 'Art Wounds' - where I was doing art and then found my expression was stopped - like when I was very small and using the red and pink paints to make pink, but the teacher slapped me hard and I fell over and knocked my water over, and she then blamed me for knocking it over.  I know I have mentioned this before, but a small part of me is constantly upset about that."

I am appalled at the conduct of this teacher - for everything she did in this example. It is just terrible behaviour as well as physically and emotionally abusive. It's the kind of thing my M did too - blame me for something she'd actually caused.

Idk if this might help, but there was a situation with M which almost-7-year-old me was terribly upset about for years, but also ashamed so I couldn't even tell a T. I managed to sort-of-tell my current T and in doing so I came to the conclusion that I'd been far more mature than M in the situation, despite my being physically and emotionally hurt by her. I then told my LO about her maturity and praised her. The wound isn't completely gone but it's no longer so deep and so prevalent.

"Yet as I write about that, another part tells me I'm pathetic to even be bothered about it." Your ICr or whoever is speaking there is wrong. You are compassionate towards and protective of your little Hope to whom great injustice was done by that teacher.