Self-Loathing and Destructive Behaviours

[lonewolf]

Hi folks,

This weekend was a disaster and it makes me wonder what self-destructive behaviours are linked to. Self-loathing? Familiar patterns? Flashbacks? Drinking is a dangerous game for me and I need to get out of the denial. NOW.

I got severely drunk on Friday night and created chaos at my apartment building. I got a warning from my landlord (absolutely deserved) and a police report for a disturbance. I've spent the last two days apologizing and feeling absolutely despicable about myself. I've decided to quit drinking for quite awhile since it seems to feed into my rebellious teenager antics (not attractive) and complete loss of self-control over my behaviours and actions. I feel sick to my stomach. Horrified at myself. Not sure how to get past these feelings today. Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be highly appreciated. It's like one step forward, two steps back. I don't understand this need to self destruct when things are going well. UGH. 

ETA: I just wanted to add that I see my binge drinking in a few ways. One is that it allows me to let go and dive into my feelings with fatal results. Two, I do believe it is rooted in my teenage years and has a self-harm (obliterate or drown myself) aspect to it. And three, it is one of the only ways I will let go so it is a bizarre counterpoint to my controlling and perfectionist tendencies.

[C.]

I'm not sure what to say.  My "drug" of choice is sugar, anything with sugar.  And it really is dangerous over time...diabetes, overweight leading to more low self-esteem, insecure b/c I feel I cannot "control" my eating...

I know that when I slip up and binge on sweets I need to forgive myself and find alternative behaviors.  You sound aware of several important needs that the binge drinking fulfills.  So finding other ways to meet those needs,  to "let go" , to experience an unpleasant feeling like sadness or anger, in a healthy way. 

You probably know this, but escaping with drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. are common for people who've experienced any form of trauma...All of this takes time and it's complicated.  Forgiveness and compassion for yourself help a lot.

[bee]

I think you are going in the right direction to be able to see that this is something you want to change. You are taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing ect. Making a mistake does not make you a bad person, it only means you are a human being who wants to make a better choice in the future.

A familiar pattern for me was a need to be in control of the chaos that I expected to happen after a period of calm. Let me explain. Growing up my household never stayed calm. Periods of relative calm were always punctuated by huge rages from my M. My only source of control was sometimes setting her off on purpose. It sounds sick, but domestic abuse victims often do this. Everyone needs to have a feeling of control. Later in my life, away from M, I would get very anxious when things were going well for awhile. I would have this feeling of impending doom. Until I figured out that I was following this pattern set by my mother, I would either have to create chaos, or live with the feeling of impending doom.
No idea if that is a pattern that you had in your life. I thought of it because you said this happened when things were going well.

Things to ponder, I don't expect answers. Any idea what your trigger was to start on Friday? Anyway to stop this pattern from repeating in the future? Is there a different way you can blow off steam? Going for walk, dancing wildly with the curtains drawn, screaming into a pillow, doing artwork/crafts, talking to someone/a hotline?

Remember to treat yourself as you would a good friend, with compassion.

[lonewolf]

Thanks C and Bee. It just helps to be heard and not judged.

Bee, I think you and I share some similarities with family/mom dynamics.

I would either have to create chaos, or live with the feeling of impending doom.

That pattern rings true, for sure.

I'm beginning to think that I have anxiety all of the time, which gets triggered when I drink because I am otherwise seem completely oblivious to it on a day to day basis (so, when drunk anything will trigger me, even something minor which is what happened). I usually only drink once a week, but I need to find something else to relax and let go with on a Friday or Saturday night.

Going for a long walk after a work week on a Friday sounds like a good one. I'm only recognizing recently that I live with these feelings of anxiety on a daily basis (even if they are typically low level). I really had no idea that this was my constant state of being. I can also get quite euphoric when things are going well and that might be something I need to pay attention to as well.

Thank you for the insight.