Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Thank you san. At least this time it doesn't feel as if a part of my heart has been ripped out. Probably because I haven't given them up for good, but just for a few weeks.

In a way, I still feel as if they're there. In my head I can hear them and in my mind's eye I can see them looking up at me or trotting about. I still didn't get up till 3pm. Trying to accept myself as I am.

Today I had to remind bus.neighbour to clean the toilet. He didn't actually answer me but his friend was in the shop and he did instead. So I'll see if they do it before my next student comes. 

I got kind of a fright today and my anxiety went up when my key didn't work to come back into the building. I finally managed to twiddle it until it worked and then got out the WD40.

[Armee]

 

That's a huge change for you, to not have those fur babies anchoring you. Is there a possibility of in patient sooner while you have temporary care arranged, if you wanted it?

It's scary to feel like you are falling into a pit. I do see you as being very proactive though. 💛

[Blueberry]

At least I got up at noon today rather than 3pm

Thanks Armee but inpatient sooner isn't possible, as far as I know. Next Monday I have an appt with psych doc. He needs to get the med. ins. company to agree to pay, for one thing. Then there is quite frankly a wait till one of the two inpatient Ts who could take on my case have an opening. And there are already other people on their waiting lists. I don't happen to want to go into the next general psych unit because as of next week I do have students again and other appointments. That will all help me get back on my feet. I have my T appt too.

At least it was just a bit of a sinking feeling, I didn't actually feel as if I was sinking into a pit. Not that low.

Thank you Notalone for listing everything again for me on Dec. 29th. It was really helpful to see it all in vertical form

Yup, san, I phoned the clinic where I could go inpatient and got called back by the head trauma T. I guess that's pretty proactive but that is the kind of thing I manage quite well.
Although I do have information about 2 other clinics I could try (good reputation for trauma), they're all further away and psych doc said he isn't going to do the hassle with med. ins. for me for either of those clinics. Sounds like he's being a bit lazy actually but he will have well-established channels with the one local clinic and undoubtedly my med. ins. co. does too. The clinic sounds good enough, I'm not going to fight for a different one. So, good to have made that decision too. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i admire you so much for your decision.  honestly, i think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do this.     well done, my dear.  and it also sounds like you've done your research on the clinics available - i can feel the confidence from you that you're content with your choice.  i hope above all you get the care you need and deserve.  sending love and a big hug to simply embrace you in warmth

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I hope you find the space that will provide you the support you are seeking.  Thank you for sharing your journey. 

[Blueberry]

I've more or less given up since my FurBabies moved out. Sleep and/or zone out for about 22 hours a day. Do a little this and that for max. 2 hours, often at weird times like 3am.

This is a few minutes later: When I spoke to the inpatient T a week or so ago, I said that I really don't want to feel. Maybe that's always my biggest problem? She said she can understand my not wanting to feel.

In one of my healing books, one I return to read in when things are especially bad or when I feel especially stuck, I read about concentrating on Love. I saw some very clear images of my FurBabies. Since I can't look after them adequately, it was an act of love to give them to somebody who can atm. But it's no wonder I don't want to feel atm, don't want to feel the gaps, the lack of love, that there is nobody to love. That kind of thing.

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, blueberry.  so very sorry you're going thru this difficult time. i agree about love - i don't think there's anything stronger, anything more desirable to have in one's life.  to have lived without it, even for a little while, can be disheartening.  know you are loved by me, possibly others here, for what that's worth.  furbabies can absolutely fill that love void, and i'm sorry they can't be with you right now.  soon, tho.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and peace.

[Armee]

 

You are such a good mamma to your fur babies. Knowing our limitations and setting up the best patchwork of care is very loving.

I'm sorry you can't do much right now. It's OK to fall down for awhile. As you said (I think?) "This too shall pass." There will come a time when you regain your function. Right now you are needing to protect yourself. From feeling, from being triggered by tasks, etc. 

[Blueberry]

You're right. Thanks for reminding me. This too shall pass!!

[Blueberry]

In fact, it has sort of passed. Idk if it was another EF or just a down phase from needing to adjust to no longer having furbabies. I don't suppose it really matters which it was.

I 'kind of' realised again why it's so important for me to express my anger or disappointment or whatever it is to people instead of storing that up inside. Nonetheless I also notice how difficult that is. Today, I'm having trouble sending a bill again. The trouble started yesterday in fact. So it's a question of moving forwards with other more practical things or forcing through a dam burst... No, I note the images in my head and the emotions somewhere in me at forcing through a dam burst. Not good, not helpful. OK, do easier practical stuff and possibly the bill. The dam burst would include writing to no-longer-friends no.1 and no.2.

The practical things? I've finally got a load of laundry in the machine and I sorted out some more books in the night which I'll go and put on the Neighbourhood Book Shelf. Then I'm going to the farm in the market van (after the market) to finally do my work up there that I've been putting off for at least 3 weeks. It's a start. In fact quite a good start. In thinking and saying that I realise that I am accepting myself   I also phoned a friend this morning after I saw she phoned last night. She phoned to see how I was doing after handing furbabies away. 

[Blueberry]

Well, I sent the bill. And before that I actually did write and send what I needed to to no-longer-friend no.1 Had to dissociate a bit in order to do so though. But that is one of the reasons why it is so important to send this type of information. If I can't do so without dissociating, there's certainly something wrong, unbalanced in the no-longer-friendship. One of the reasons why it is so important to stick with expressing things is in so doing I am stating my boundary and sometimes I am stating an emotion. It is also often very hard for me to do this towards somebody when there actually is not even a conflict. So it's good to keep going and not hold all that stuff back.

I wrote 2 other emails in the meantime too. Neither of them to people where there's a conflict. But both where I was hesitant for some inexplicable reason. 'inexplicable' - there will be a reason actually but I don't want to feel what yet.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Wow, so many things you've accomplished    I read your first journal entry earlier today, and then saw this latest one, and I was impressed by all you've done.  I see many realisations in what you wrote too, and finally, sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

For me personally, changing the word "fault" to "responsibility" changed a lot. That brought me out of victim mode, and into a place where I felt empowered to take ownership of my life.
It moved me away from focusing on what was wrong and who's fault it was, to a more positive "how do I want it" and "how am I going to get there". And it helps remind me that whatever I do, it's my choice, and if the result doesn't work for me, I can choose to learn/do something else.

Today is the first time I can think of this w/o feeling wrong myself or feeling somehow at fault. I remembered today that I do have a choice to fall back to thinking the way I did as a child/teen or to view things a little differently.

Choosing to learn/do something else doesn't necessarily mean I have to back down, retract my boundaries, agree with other people and allow them to go over my boundaries etc. Doing something else could merely mean reminding myself I don't have to back down. And also reminding myself that feeling lonely atm could be part of me feeling hurt instead. I used to think that was loneliness and/or was told in therapy that that was what it was, but I'm not sure I agree anymore. In fact, backing down and retracting my boundaries isn't anything new. I used to do it in FOO all the time.

What would be new though would be remaining in some form of contact with people I have disagreements with before I'm absolutely sure there's no hope. I don't mean no-longer-friends no.1 and 2. However, that's something very difficult for me.

Another new or newish thing would be practising allowing myself a 'good life' in spite of setting boundaries. It's like I set a boundary or tell somebody what I think of the way they are treating me, then run a mile and start avoiding all sorts of people and feel bad. The opposite would I suppose be accepting myself whatever anybody else might think of what I said. I feel quite confused and also not really grounded anymore. I had better go and re-ground myself.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate these reflections.  It felt important for me to receive these words today.

[Not Alone]

As difficult as it has been for you lately, that you did laundry, sent the bill and sent emails, is really quite amazing. Yea for you.