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One of the symptoms of C-PTSD is "disassociation" and one of the definitions of "disassociation" is "daydreaming."  I do a lot of it.  As a kid, I made up a bunch of imaginary characters and named some of them based on people I knew in real life.  I also read a lot of mysteries and watched a lot of cartoon/mystery shows, and I concocted plots involving my imaginary friends getting involved in mysteries and things like that.  I read a lot of Nancy Drew and watched cartoons like Scooby-Doo and Josie and the Pussycats.  (And of course, I was one of the "characters" involved in those imaginary plots."

Some of those plots have evolved into book ideas.  I call myself a writer in training because I write, but I am not published yet. 

I found, and still find, myself going into the world of my imaginary friends and my characters.  It seems that withdrawal was my modus operandi as a child, because I couldn't figure out a way to make the bullies stop picking on me.  So when you can't fight, you retreat. 

I don't think I'm psychotic.  I know that my imaginary world is just that.  It's imaginary.  My imaginary friends are not real.  I wish they were; I'd rather live in their world, where things end up working out, than in mine, when things just don't seem to work at times.  It hasn't been until just very recently that I've wondered, is this a symptom of C-PTSD that I have?  I've definitely used it as a coping mechanism.

Sanmagic, I'm sorry that your illness, whatever it is, is getting worse. 

Today I have a bad case of empathy fatigue and I feel depressed. (I took some Advil PM last night and I feel groggy this morning.)  A LOT of my Facebook friends aren't happy with election results.  I'm trying not to fight with people and I want to empathize with anyone who is angry or hurting.  But I am having a lot of trouble coming up with the energy to do it. 

Yesterday also, my son was constantly obsessing on CSI:NY (a show he's just discovered) and when I hear comments on the exact same subject over and over and over, I get very tense, especially because I'm trying not to yell at him.  (He has autism.  This is a manifestation of the autism, obsession on certain subjects.) 

Sometimes I feel as if I have to respect/show empathy for others, but I don't always feel I get the same treatment from others, i.e. empathy for my feelings. 

 

I can only imagine the feelings you must be dealing with. :-( 

I just took a look at this article:  http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/08/7-ways-a-person-can-be-abused/#at_pco=tst-1.0&at_si=581148646de5a6e1&at_ab=per-2&at_pos=1&at_tot=2 

Under "emotional abuse", I found the following:  "Increased Anxiety – It is easy to become anxious when questioned about every move, motive or aptitude. "

I thought, Yes!  I've had this happen to me.  Definitely.  I've had times where nearly everything I did was commented on by whoever the bully was at the time.  I've also had people ask questions about what I was doing or what I did, and then get asked, "why did you do this?" or, for the next few minutes, be lectured about why I shouldn't have done/ should have done whatever.

I have this feeling of someone constantly looking over my shoulder, ready to say, "You missed a spot."

Hello, Moose; welcome aboard!

Alliematt,

Perhaps some of these physical problems have been discussed earlier in this thread.

Its ok 

I deal with what I am sure is adrenal fatigue; periodic spells of fatigue that have left me wiped out, like I have mono.  I have a chronic bladder disorder, interstitial cystitis (painful bladder).  I deal with back pain and tight muscles as well.  Part of the back pain came from a stint in court reporting school where I sat wrong while writing on my machine. 

Sorry you are struggling. Its awful, but reading that others have these issues too, does help me to feel not so silly for being so fatigued all the time etc.

Are you wanting to get some proper help for your issues? Have you seen anyone about your inability to walk?

Well, let's see . . . I just turned 53, and I have been dealing with the adrenal stuff and the cystitis for half my life.  The IC, I've pretty much lived with; it doesn't give me that much of a problem and I see a urologist regularly.  The back problem, I've had chiropractic treatment for for several years.  The CPAP?  I use that nightly. 

The biggest problem I have is the adrenal stuff.  I have seen multiple doctors for that, my thyroid's been tested over and over and I'm currently on thyroid meds.  For a couple of years, I treated with some alternative doctors who ended up putting me on over twenty supplements as well as some prescription meds.  I couldn't afford to keep treating with them. 

My back was aggravated by a car wreck a couple of years ago.  (No other injuries.)  My auto insurance had been paying for my chiro treatment, but benefits are now exhausted, and I now have to decide whether or not to keep going or stop treatment.  It seems that, with so much of the chronic stuff, insurance doesn't cover it and the doctors who DO treat it charge an arm, leg, and DNA sample. 

Throw in the mental issues and a kid with autism, and there are days I just feel like crawling into bed and not waking up.

Perhaps some of these physical problems have been discussed earlier in this thread.

I deal with what I am sure is adrenal fatigue; periodic spells of fatigue that have left me wiped out, like I have mono.  I have a chronic bladder disorder, interstitial cystitis (painful bladder).  I deal with back pain and tight muscles as well.  Part of the back pain came from a stint in court reporting school where I sat wrong while writing on my machine. 

I use a CPAP for sleep apnea.  And because I'm obese :-( I am at risk for diabetes.  I've been told to walk, but I've also developed pain on the top of my feet, in the middle, and how can I walk when it hurts my feet to walk? 

Mentally, I have depression and I suspect I have OCD (obsessive thoughts without compulsive actions) and I wouldn't be surprised if I also have anxiety.  Boy, am I a mess.

Gongfy, I have a teenager with autism.  It's helped us that we've been involved in our church, but the people I know from there, I don't see very often away from church services (with the exception of a ladies' group I'm with weekly).  So I can partly understand where you're coming from.

I'm a writer.  The main character in the story I'm working on has been in a pickle for most of the story.  I am threatening my inner critic that if she doesn't shut up, she can join that character!

My inner critic was probably spawned out of an environment of getting bullied.  It tells me that I am dumb, stupid, ugly, a fat cow, and that no one likes me.  It also tells me that I will never be good enough. 

Wow.  Mental illness is rough enough when you're dealing with it; I can't imagine dealing with a family member that does. 

I have had two bullies apologize.  I'm grateful, because not everyone has had that experience. 

Sometimes I just get very, very angry because no, I didn't do anything to deserve any of that.  My dad was a public school teacher.  My mother told me on a couple of occasions that the reason we went to public school was because if my sister and I were sent to private school, we were saying that the school system wasn't good enough for my father to work in.

So I have to stay there and deal with a toxic environment just so you could make a point??

It makes me very angry how bullies and the bullied are treated.  And it's the powerlessness that I felt back then that makes me very angry now. 

I saw "spiritual abuse" and thought, oh boy, can I relate.

I was part of a cult in college.  That sentence is very hard to write.  I was raised believing I was a Christian, and then this group told me I wasn't and showed me Scripture to "prove" it.  So I became part of their group, and while I learned a lot that was good, I left feeling like I couldn't measure up. 

We were expected to invite lots and lots of people to church, Bible studies, and other events.  We were expected to be at every church service and every church event, including weddings, baby and bridal showers for people we didn't know.  (I'm not against going to such events if you don't know the people.  What I'm against is being guilted into doing it.)  We were expected to be constantly studying with people to get them to become Christians (read, part of the group).  I never helped anyone become part of the group, and I felt like a failure because your "spirituality" and standing in the group was directly tied into the number of people you brought in.  Sometimes I still feel like a failure.  The term used was "bearing fruit", and Scriptures were used to "prove" that you had to "bear fruit" or you would be cut off--in other words, you didn't get to heaven if you didn't convert anyone. 

I went to another church after I left college that was deliberately trying to get away from this teaching--and they went so far to the other extreme that it was just as bad.  Finally, I told my husband we needed to leave. 

What few people just seem to get is that everyone can use the Bible to "prove" that they are "right".  In my particular group of churches, we have a history of wanting to do things "strictly by the Bible", and while that's good, it leads to legalism.  And people DO use the Bible and the name of Jesus to lie.  There are days I can barely trust anyone who teaches the Bible.  And I have been out of this group for *over* 20 years.  I don't know how to put my fear to rest.  The so-called "good news" of the gospel is, "turn or burn, and after you turn, you'd better make sure you don't burn."  There's no love of God there.  There's no reassurance.  The church I attend now does try to focus on the love of God, but I find myself wondering, what if they're wrong?  What if they lie?  Our church has recently made several significant changes in their worship style, and as a result, many people I know have left and we have received a lot of criticism from other churches in our denomination.  And there are people that use Scripture to "prove" that the changes we made were sinful.

I believe in God, I want to worship God, but what in the world do you do when everyone says they are right, everyone can prove it by the Bible, and too often, they come to diametrically opposed conclusions?  They cannot both be right.

I guess childhood bullying counts as emotional abuse?

I got it from first grade onward.  I tell myself, it wasn't so bad, because I wasn't beat up or cyberbullied (showing my age here.)  But it was bad.  I can remember being blocked on the way to/from school.  I can remember being called names.  My stuff was stolen.  I even had someone write a letter to the editor about teenage drinking and sign my name to it.  I would LOVE to find a copy of that letter and ask, who wrote this?

I wasn't good in sports, and that made me a target as well.  To this day, I despise volleyball because I have a hard time figuring out where I'm supposed to stand to hit the ball, and I remember being made fun of because of the way I hit the ball. 

And to me, the biggie was:  the embarrassing question.  It's the question that, when you get asked it, there is NO good answer to because no matter what you say, it's going to be held against you.  I was asked one time if I knew what a call girl was.  I was also laughed at because I didn't understand the term "French kiss".  When I wore an Adidas shirt to school, I was asked if I went to the Adidas concert. 

I had plenty of problems on the school bus, and the first year my son was in school, I would not let him ride because I had too many bad memories.  One in particular was the kids there yelling at me that the bus was coming, I started running, and it wasn't.  They all laughed.  The next time they tried it, I didn't fall for it, and someone said to me, "You'd walk if the bus came, wouldn't you?"  Then she threw a piece of paper in my face.

At times, I just want to know, why did you do this to me?  What did I do to you that you felt so justified in making my life a living nightmare?  Why did you lie about me?  What pleasure did you get out of embarrassing me in front of people?  I know the "correct" answer is, they felt bad about themselves so they pulled you down to lift themselves up.  Well, I've also read stuff that said that bullies had an inflated ego--they liked themselves too much.  That's more what I experienced. 

I have not had a good week (too many stressors) and when I don't have a good week, that's when the memories come rushing back and I feel like an absolute failure.