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Possible TMI alert:

I've been dealing with a vaginal infection and was prescribed medication that was inserted into the vagina.

I also take hormones (patch and a cream) and while I used my patch this week, I didn't want to put hormone cream and the vaginal medication inside at the same time . . . so I used the medication but not the cream. 

Bad move.  I should have remembered that when I don't do my hormones, the results are not pretty.  There's also been major current events going on this week in the news, and while I haven't been watching news, I can't get away from the social media discussions about this particular issue.  I also had an adrenal crash due to poor sleeping Wednesday night. 

I am supposed to use the cream twice a week.  Tonight I'm scheduled to take it again.  My course of vaginal meds is finished, so I'll take the cream again tonight. 

My stamina is gone today.  Last night I had a pity party because a group of altos in my praise team were standing around talking . . . and I wasn't included.  I don't think I was being deliberately excluded, but sometimes, I feel like the altos are a clique I will never really be part of.

And I know I should be concerned about current events, because they are going to directly affect my life and my son's life . . . but I don't have the stamina to care.  I'm going to let people do what they do and let the chips far where they may.  That's probably a victim mentality, but I just don't have the energy to fight.  (I also think I'm having an adrenal crash today due to a bad night's sleep.)

 

I took a look at this thread because I have been feeling this way myself today.  Going to go do some reading.

Stressed, tense, I know I have too much to do and I'm too much of a perfectionist . . . but what do I do about it?  I've worked myself into such a frenzy that I've paralyzed myself.  And I feel time slipping away to do what I want to do.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore.  About the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm a biological female . . . but if someone were to ask me, what is a woman, I don't know what to tell them.

Be myself?  Who is that?

There ought to be a way I can deal with life without feeling tense and anxious.  My son and husband are both home today and that tends to throw my scheduled off.  Especially when my son goes around screaming lines from the shows he likes to watch and talks about them, constantly.  I'm in my office at the moment so I can get some privacy. 

The particular story I'm referring to, I'm planning to publish as a novel.  But I could write a story where Bertha is left behind.   

I gave Bertha a "good twin" named Betsy (just because I like the name) who's kind and compassionate but gives me gentle correction when necessary.

Hello and welcome!  I come from the opposite side of the fence, as I am a neurotypical adult with an ASD son.  I don't know how old you are, but there have been a lot of advances in treatments and therapies for people with autism even during the lifetime of my son, who just turned 18.  Your parents/family may not have had the chance to benefit from help.  Do any of them have an official ASD diagnosis?

That said, ridicule definitely counts.  I was bullied during my childhood, and one of the ways I was bullied was through ridicule. 

It has been a month since I've written anything here.  I really feel like I live life spinning plates and juggling balls.     For the last month, I've dealt with illness and a number of appointments and other things.  I haven't been swimming in a month, and my A1C is probably shot.  Right around our son's birthday, he got sick with a cold, then *I* got sick, then my husband got sick.  Then, there's been a myriad of appointments and stuff that I've dealt with.  I've developed a pain in my side that is probably a pinched nerve and have back exercises I need to do. 

This week, we were awarded guardianship of our son.  That was crammed into a week where I had two doctor's appointments, a counseling appointment with my husband (our standing monthly appointment), my son's naturopath appointment, and the regular "running the house" duties, in which I've fallen way behind.  I have done no writing.  I took no work for pay this week because I knew I would not have time.  Today, I finally have something that is due Monday. 

Is this part of C-PTSD?  Feeling like you have to do everything and there's no end in sight?  My life is stressful enough WITHOUT the (insert adjective here) C-PTSD.  With anxiety, depression, and OCD, it makes it worse.  And there's the constant struggle with shame.  I'm starting to call the feelings I have "shame", not "guilt", because the feelings I have are of, "I am bad," not "what I did was unwise." 

Rewiring my brain is a pain!   

My inner critic has no compassion whatsoever.  She is vicious and she robs me of my joy.

Yesterday, I named her Bertha.  In a story I'm working on, my main character is in a major pickle and needs to be rescued.  I'm imagining Bertha in my story's setting (in the middle of a desert), but SHE will not be rescued.  Instead, I am going to leave her in the desert, where she belongs! 

I need correction and guidance, but partly due to the way I'm wired and partly due to a lot of my experiences, I end up filtering everything through Bertha, and she has a knack for twisting even gentle correction into vicious bullying. 

My husband and I had a hearing on Wednesday where we were awarded guardianship of our 18-year-old son.  I've posted before that he has autism.  Our son attended, and his attorney made him her "co-counsel".  We were lucky to get someone who was competent and did her job well! 

Although I know we did the right thing, it's just very odd hearing someone say that your child "lacks sufficient capacity" to make major life decisions.

Getting guardianship, I think, will also help us in applying for benefits such as SSI for our son, and also for vocational rehab.  After our son graduates, he will go into a vocational program through the public school system.  That will last until he's 22.  After that, well, we'll just have to see. 

What you went through WAS abuse.  I am so sorry.   

I've written a novel.  I've sent it to four people whose opinions I trust and who all have a bit of experience with writing.  I just got the feedback from one of the people, skimmed it, it looks like there are some helpful suggestions . . . and I am very, very nervous about reading it in depth. 

This may be a combination of the C-PTSD and just normal nervousness about feedback dealing with something I've spent a lot of time and energy on and is sort of like my "baby".     It's easy for me to feel personally attacked when something I've done is criticized--even if the so-called "criticism" is, "This part didn't work for me."  Trying to separate criticism of "what I've done" from "who I am" is difficult at times. 

I have been feeling tense and exhausted almost this whole weekend. 

Friday and Saturday I went to a ladies' gathering at church.
Sunday I sang on the praise team.
Then went to small group.
Then, my husband took our son to a Super Bowl party.  I picked him up.
Yesterday, I drove my son to a doctor's appointment, took him home, and THEN went to pick up my husband so the two of us could have an appointment together.
Saturday night I went to bed at eight.
Last night I went to bed at seven.
And I'm still exhausted and tense.

No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

That was a vent.  (And thank you for asking.)  I have put dishes in the sink and laundry in the wash, and decided to ignore current events for the weekend.