Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear.  i always welcome your hugs - i know that they are forever safe. 

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you know they always are

Sorry, I never came back and replied more to what you said. I intended to but life is crazy and I forgot to come back and write my thought here. I had lots of thoughts although again this morning they are not there. It has been a long 24 hours tbh. 

[Elphanigh]

I am going to try to put her kind of what I am feeling. Harder said than done recently since I do feel so much, but still have moments of numbness. It is a truly odd and exhausting dynamic.

Currently I feel like I am having to hold onto like three or four different versions of myself and that I am not doing any of them fully. Before this new trauma I felt balanced and like I could play the different roles I needed to without feeling too separated. Now though it is like because of one more stressor my balance is completely shot. I am having to use all the strength and resilience I have to keep holding everything.

One of these versions is of course the me that is healing from new trauma. It is my challenge right now to cope with trauma without resorting to any of the coping mechanisms that allowed me to survive as a kid. I have to cope with similar trauma without those strategies because I cannot risk have to repair those again. I am having to relearn how to exist in that way. It is a huge challenge and is forcing reality to be smacking me upside the head pretty regularly.

There is of course the part of me that was healing before, that deals with the old trauma that is coming up because of the new one. Trying to manage what I was healing and processing with the new wave of other stuff coming up.

Then of course me who works multiple jobs, volunteers regularly, and has people that depend on her to be present in life. This is the me that I feel like I am at the most. I don't feel like I can hold this as well right now. It is a lot of pressure in a fast pace environment that is still difficult for me to function in at this moment. I am managing but just barely

Last is the grad student in me. The one that has to plan a move in just over two months, who has to make sure all of the financial aid and paper work is in. I have to ensure that I have a job lined up for the summer months at very least and a place to live. Then to also have the money to make that move without completely ruining any stability I have.


Then I realize that school and moving is coming up so quickly. I am still processing a trauma that makes me worried I will never be okay to actually live in Iowa.. makes me think about going elsewhere but I don't then have time to change that plan so drastically. But I worry that I will move and realize that I am not okay in that space and have to wait it out a year. I hope and don't believe that will be the case but some small bit of my mind worries.

I need to be resting, to process, and to work just enough to pay for things right now. I missed work yesterday because I over did everything earlier in the week. Then did yoga and got overwhelmed because my body started to release the trauma and it was too much for me to feel at once with everything else I am balancing.

It has always been hard to hold both my life and my healing at the same time, but now I feel like I am having to hold so much more. It is stressful and exhausting but I am trying. Some days I do well, and others are truly difficult. The up and down is hard to predict and just really tiring..

I will be okay one day but I would like to be more level soon.

[Not Alone]

"It has always been hard to hold both my life and my healing at the same time, but now I feel like I am having to hold so much more. It is stressful and exhausting but I am trying. Some days I do well, and others are truly difficult."

Everything you said makes perfect sense to me.

Just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you this week and sending caring thoughts your way.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Notalone. I really appreciate you thinking about me and validating what I wrote.

Last night's emdr session was really productive but also deeply painful. I am finally starting to truly move out of being stuck and frozen which is great. I am moving more both literally and emotionally. That does mean I am starting to feel way more and that comes with a lot to process and look at. I am still pretty on autopilot during the day, but as my t pointed out it has only been two weeks and that is truly to be expected. That I am doing so much better than I could be right now and that is just a show of how much healing I have done and how truly resilient I am.

I started making connections to past emotions finally. Now that I can emotionally sit with some of this and don't always feel like I am in danger I can start to do that part of my processing. Last night that meant finding some very deep rooted pain. I remembered some old feelings and fears that are now coming back a little.

When I was younger, really up until about 2 years ago, there were so many toxic people in my life. I had been surrounded by abuse and toxicity since before I was born. Most of my caretakers were toxic, abusive, or neglectful. Family friends and even some of my own friends were abusive, manipulative and toxic. Teachers and authority figures often enabled because they saw something wrong and did nothing about it. I was sexually abused as early as 2 years old (from what I can tell) until I was 13.. then with incidents from significant others in my teens and to the most recent one from two weeks ago. There was so much emotional and physical abuse or neglect to go with that for so much of my life. Then throw in some enablers. trafficking, and narcissists and you have my life.

So of course at a young age I decided it was my fault. I concluded that because everyone in my life seemed to be hurting me and they didn't seem to hurt anyone else that I was the reason. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and that some part of my being deserved this. I didn't know what it was but knew that I was inherently bad. As I grew older it shaped more into thinking that I was strong enough to hold it and take it so the burden was mine. That I was saving others (anyone familiar with my story knows I did a lot to protect people), so by taking the abuse I was helping. It was because I was strong and could hold it that I was going through it. I was a replacement for other people taking it. Which maybe better than being inherently bad still was blaming myself and believing in some way I was built for all the abuse.

That of course is one of the most painful things I know how to feel, especially now that it is kind of attached to present day trauma. I spent years working to ensure no one could ever make me feel that way again. I spent so long learning to know my worth and my value in this world. I fought for every ounce of that I gained. I fought to realize how worth it I was, and worked to show myself that I could have something other than abuse and toxicity in my life. I built a life full of good and kind people. I built strong relationships and things I am proud have never been toxic to me. I built a sense of self. None of that goes away but now there are those past feelings and fears again. I was so afraid I would never fully escape that world.. and for a while I thought I had. So this incident brings back those fears.

There is an inner child me who kept saying "It was my fault, I was always bad".. for me that is heartbreaking. There is so much pain in those words and the fears that come with it. I was so convinced that I was worthless and bad. I worked for perfection because of it. I spent my life getting straight A's, being overly involved, and excelling at everything I did.. all so that I could find some worth in the world. So maybe I wouldn't get hurt anymore. That breaks my heart more than I can ever being to explain. So sitting in that pain in emdr was vastly difficult. I am not truly sure how to describe and sit with it still. Matter of fact I need a break from writing about it. I will come back, just little bits of this at a time

[Not Alone]

  Just wanted to send you a hug. I can relate to a great deal of what you said, so much so that I got pretty foggy (in my head) toward the end of your post. If I knew you in person, I would give you a warm blanket, a cup of tea, whatever would bring your hurting heart some comfort.

[Elphanigh]

Notalone, thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I hope the fog you got from it has cleared. A blanket and a cup of tea are two of my favorite comfort things in the whole wide world, the sentiment is soooooo appreciated 

I am a little more stable today, last night was just difficult. I really got in my head and into my hurts and fears. It comes in waves. Always shows up quickly but I feel like it lingers when it decides to leave. I had some really bad serial killer nightmares last night. It was the first time in a while that I have had one that bad. It was really graphic and scary. Lots of finding buried bodies and dealing with a serial killer that was hiding it on his farm that was beautiful and thriving because of all the hurt of and death of these people. Not really sure what stemmed that nightmare but goodness it was big.

I am also going to put this fear here and be honest about it. I have been open only very little about this fear. I have voiced it to my roommate and one friend, but have not written it here or anywhere else I am normally so open. I am worried that after the incident two weeks ago that I could have gotten pregnant. I don't think so, but it is possible and until I know for sure I have this underlying anxiety that will not go away. Yesterday that really spiked and caused me a giant amount of panic. I hate even thinking about it being possible, but I know there is this small chance. Honestly I and my niece both exist because birth control, and contraceptives some how failed. So I think I fear I will have that kind of luck,... It is irrational but no less real to me. Hopefully that fear will be assuaged soon, but waiting is agonizing and I think holding that fear in has made it worse.

I am trying to just let all of the fears melt away today. There is nothing I can do at this point, and know that worrying only serves to keep me in the anxiety and panic that is unhealthy. It is better to let these rest, recognize them but not let them over power me.

I have enough to balance and be processing right now. I do not need to add to it.

[Elphanigh]

I am less afraid today, and holding onto all the emotions more gracefully. Things will be okay no matter what. 

I have had a crazy busy week but am managing and holding it all. I get to rest tonight thankfully

[Anjulie]

Elphanigh, I just wanted to tell you that I read what you posted. It sounds like it is so hard with the nightmares and the fear. And so very understandable.
I'm glad it lifted a bit today and you are "holding it all".

[Elphanigh]

Anjulie, thank you so much!  I am grateful I can hold it all a  bit better today too. Hoping that will continue, but I know it will come in waves.

[sanmagic7]

my dearest el,

hang tough, ok?  i'm glad this stuff is finally coming in waves instead of being full-blown in your face constantly.  i think that's progress.

thanks for sharing your fear about the possibility of pregnancy.  i'm glad you were able to get that out.  let's hope that becomes a non-issue soonest.

it's tragic to me how one horrible incident can unwrap all the care and work we've done for ourselves.  i think the upside is that you do have all that care and work to be able to rely on now, which helps the healing (at least for me) be a bit more efficient.  you've been carrying on with all your daily responsibilities in spite of this recent trauma, and i do believe it's cuz you've built such a strong foundation for yourself.

yeah, that little voice will rise again on occasion, but your adult you is so much stronger now, so much more able to take care of any little you that raises her concerns, doubts, accusations.  you are doing this, and are an inspiration not only for yourself but for the rest of us.  you are amazing.

sending so much support, caring, and love to you, always.      and, of course, ems will always be there to help hold you up during the roughest of times.

[Elphanigh]

Dear San

Thank you for coming here and reading all of that. I am trying to hang tough it is just so difficult sometimes. The last few days have been so difficult. I am finally realizing just how hard this all is on me. I have been really strong and trying to keep up the brave face etc... I choose every day to survive and face this junk head on... That can look easy from the outside.. for me though it is sooo hard. I have not been showing or open about all the affects this is having on me. Normally I am so authentic and open about my journey. Those are my healing super powers I am convinced.. but I have been holding back and putting on face even in places where I know I don't have to. 

I am having regular nightmares when I sleep.... Most of the time I don't sleep enough to hit rem sleep to have nightmares.. I wake up off and on all night, even after staying up later because I can't get sleep.

I haven't felt truly safe since that night. I had the ability to feel safe and cultivate that feeling in myself before all of this, and goodness I miss it. When does that ability and feeling come back?

I do feel like I have to hold back right now. Like I can't share as much as I feel the need to because I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be "too much"... or to be a handful.. It is a very isolating feeling tbh.. one that I spent a long time getting over before and has come back because I feel less than stable most of the time. So I feel like that is a lot more to handle because I have a lot more to share and more often right now.

The pregnancy fear has me anxious most of the time, which is probably not helping my body. I feel different, and it is hard to explain what I mean by that. They stress could certainly be causing that which could be why my pms symptoms feel off, and why I have not began my period yet. Also new trauma would cause that. But pregnancy also can cause those things, so I am just terrified. I will find out Saturday most likely so we will see.

Then of course just the utter exhaustion that comes with all of this. It will be okay but my goodness... This takes so much strength and energy. It is hard to keep this up. I want to stop sometimes, to just take a giant break for a while. I don't have that choice though. I have to keep moving and going.

It is still hard somedays to stay focused and present. Like I still more easily dissociate in small bits and go on auto pilot where I am not really absorbing anything around me. That is just frustrating in my day to day. Feeling like I am here but not always present. Just one more thing to feel like I have to fight and counteract.

I had more words and have kind of lost them this morning.

I will hold all of this, I just wish I didn't have to. I don't feel like and inspiration to anyone, or really capable of all of this but I am having to be capable. I can't let myself drown in it.

I will try to let EMS help today. I forget her when I need her most it seems. I just.. even sitting at work I just ache today and feel like I can't do all of this. That holding all of this is going to make me burst or crack etc... I am trying but it feels like too much. I will try to see if EMS can help that.. 

[sanmagic7]

my darling el,

i'm just glad you're able to get a bit more out.  i hope that's helping.  ems is definitely with you, will be with you, will stay as long as you need her.  forever, if that's necessary.  not a problem - she's there for all of us all the time.  we just have to think of her and she's there.

i loved being on the porch with you.  i'm thinking it would be a good idea for me again today.  care to join me?  you can have your papasan chair, i'll have a comfy cushy swing - it'll be lovely.  it's spring at the porch, hyacinths, daffodils and snowdrops are blooming.  also some yellow forsythia bushes.  birds are chirping, rounding up their mates for nesting.  the sand is warm, the ocean fresh.  blankets and tea all around.

hoping for good news tomorrow, darlin'.  love you.   

[Elphanigh]

My dear,

It is helping to get some more of this out. All of this is really heavy and intense so getting it out can maybe help to lessen that. It will be a process and honestly I just want to sleep right now.

I would love to join you on the porch. That imagery is so beautiful and made me breathe deeper just reading it. I will be there with you, soaking up the spring air and warmth with it. 

I hope for good news too. I am nervous but know that I have people there for me no matter what. Love you lots

[Elphanigh]

The exhaustion is a very real thing today. I have not been sleeping well since, occasionally I will get a decent amount of sleep but it is not truly restful. I think that will come in time when I can let my mind let go a little. Also when my body starts to more strongly let go of this. I am constantly very sore from the stress and trauma so it is hard to get comfortable anywhere, which may be adding to the lack of good sleep.

I work my second job after my first one tonight so maybe that level of physical exhaustion will allow me proper sleep. I took sleep meds last night (which I only do in very rare cases when I am desperate to rest). I ended up groggy and still awake up and down all night. Like they did not actually work well..

Sharing more feelings here. I feel like he took something from me that night. I feel like he took some of my voice and my sense of safety. I tried to say no or to say words that would mean that and they got caught in my throat. I squeaked in relative pain but my words got lost. So I have felt like since that my voice is not as faithful to me. That I don't feel as strong when I use it, and I don't use it as often. Even just in day to day function. Then in my ability to be open and authentic.. I pause and hold back instead of voicing what I need or feel. I believe my words are a burden again, that they make me a handful or too much again. I feel like I can't share either because my words aren't right, or strong enough, or that simply no one wants to hear them. Even thinking that thought and writing it i get background tears that won't fall. I feel like a burden again, I feel broken again, and I feel small again.

I find myself questioning my strength and resilience. I question my worth, my abilities, my own thoughts.

I do also often find myself stuck back under him. There is a moment that stick out where I am in pain and stuck, can't move because I am much smaller than him and am not even present enough to truly do anything about it. It then feels like I am stuck in that moment of abuse, in the toxicity and abuse that my life has been so full of. The intrusive thoughts have been worse than I think I was letting myself believe. I can handle them and not get overwhelmed by them but I think having to redirect is adding to the emotional exhaustion I am feeling.

I also find myself still replaying that night in fragments. Moments that I see differently. I replay moments that if I had done something differently the night would have turned out different. Most the those are moments where I could have chosen to act or say something that would have kept the situation in my control more. I didn't though because honestly I was so uncertain. I am not used to sleeping with men, I have before only a few times out of choice. They are not my normal preference, so I just don't have experience and I paused out of uncertainty instead of acting on some things that would have kept me in the drivers seat for lack of a better phrase. I know those replays are not necessarily helpful, but I find my mind drifting to that without any prompting. It just drifts even if I am working on other things at work. I try to redirect them too, but I don't always recognize them super early as it is easy to just drift and think.

I find myself judging ever bit of fat or roundness on my body. All the places that aren't stronger and more able to escape. Also anything that makes it possible for me to be pregnant, like my body is the enemy here. It wasn't physically strong enough, it was attractive to this guy, and it is capable of having children... so it must be the bad guy right? No, but it is hard to not wish I was stronger or that in my hoodie that morning I had looked less like a woman, or to wish that it wasn't possible for me to have kids so that I would not have to be scared right now. Anything that would have stopped this whole thing.

I also spend time wishing I could talk to my mom. That I could tell her what happened and that I am scared. She is a labor and delivery nurse and knows all of this junk. She has helped people with these decisions and would know about this. It is also just the small part of me that always wanted her mom to save her. I wanted a mom that would save me a take me away from all the pain when I was younger, so of course there is that desire with this pain and abuse. It is the part of me that wishes I could have gone to my M when I was scared or when I was hurting etc...

Then this pain from Monday. That is easier to put away, but I feel it from time to time with different thoughts about it. Mainly I am perplexed that I can't yet cry about it. That two years later I have never cried in my T's office. I trust her so intensely but that has just never happened. I felt the most painful thing I can truly imagine and certainly the most painful thing I have felt in her office and it was like there was a wall. Thinking about that moment I can kind of tap into that feeling and remember what that felt like. The amount of grief and just utter pain and betrayal in there. I was so young when I first felt and decided that it was me that was wrong, and that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to look back and see all of the abuse and mistreatment I went through. I was such a sweet kid, who loved with all her heart and wanted to see the best in everyone. Somehow I never fully broke but seeing all of that.. it hurts. I don't really know how to describe that in words.

It is this just dark blue and gray cloud in my head. I envision it just covering everything and being full of every bit of betrayal and abuse I experienced. It is giant and only seems to grow with time. I find new memories, I rind new definitions and start calling things what they were. I see the toxicity that I had overlooked. I experience new trauma to add to that cloud. New emotions and thoughts about it all kind of swirl in that cloud. Not as words but as like crackling lines all over the place that never stay static for long. Not exactly like lightning but that kind of works for the sort of energy I imagine them having. Some are bigger than others, some faint and others brighter than anything. There there are solid black ones, jagged but unmoving. The whole thing feels like it has energy, and kind of slowly swirls. Not like quickly  or orderly, but this slow not really predictable movement.

I have never tried to describe what it looked like. I have never had words for it, not feeling words anyways. Saying grief and pain do not feel like it gets across what I mean. That imagery, although done on the spot, feels like it is more representative of what I mean to say when I use the words grief and pain. I spent my life surrounded by that cloud, living in the middle of it.

I also realized that my T asked me with this new trauma what the moment was that I knew it was over. I had an answer for her as I have discussed before. With my younger trauma, I do not have that answer. I do not know that there is or ever will be a clear answer. I know it is over but I do feel like I still exist in that cloud sometimes. That it is still too large and maybe I can't see through it enough to feel that it is truly over. So here I am doing the best I can to explain the feelings with images because words don't do enough.

Maybe I need to share that imagery with my T? It might help next time I am working on this stuff which will be Monday.