Topics

The problem ... not enough friends
The want ... more friends
I think ... there is something wrong with me
The frustration .. there is something wrong with me, but what is it ?

Hi, me again with my continuing 'how do I make more friends saga '
Lately I'm thinking 'is it my trust problems, problems letting people 'in' letting people know me
I can socialise and people do seem to like me .. it's just how to get beyond that ...
am I just being unrealistic - wanting too much ? Needy ?
Oh I don't know it's all so confusing ...??
Historically I've always just had a hand full of close friends .. now I'm in my 40's this is a bit less - I have 3 close friends in the whole country
What draws people to human beings ??
Do we need to 'sell ourselves ' like a shop window ? Is self confidence a real factor in making friends ?
What qualities do I have ? Am I too aloof - emotionally resistive to letting people in ??
How do I change ? What do I even need to change ?

Apologies lots of questions they are ones I'm asking myself as I write -
I don't expect answers
But people's experience on this subject is very welcome !

My old therapist said relationships are the area that cptsd people find the hardest area ...
I wish I'd asked her how we go about healing this .. the relational stuff

People have described me as open and friendly and funny so what the * is missing in me ...
I'd like more attachments - more invites out -- one of those 'popular people '
Or do I subject myself to the fact I'm just not and can't be
I've been in Aa 7yrs and I don't have the close network that some others have .. I know a lot of people but not in a closer way

Hello
I have discovered peter gerlach 7 stage recovery not for profit site, which may be of interest to others ...
The site seems complex to manage ( for me ) but also v rich in resources
Lesson 1 looks so helpful to where I am at right now 'discovering the inner family.  See http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm

Any thoughts welcome
Ps there is also a facebook Grp that can be joined to link in with this recovery work

Hello
I can't seem to be able to post any links ?? For example http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm
Um but here I can and in other posts I've tried to do I can't
Please help

Bessle talks in his book about 'body armouring' physically in a hyper alert state ...
I was so grateful to learn to have a name for it ...
I have extreme physical tension throughout my body but esp my upper back, shoulders, neck and head
I watched a video recently of me walking into a party and my shoulders were so visibly raised up and tense
Bessel talks in his book about yoga being so effective for us and I agree
I have also just bought a foam muscle roller to roll out muscles and it is v wonderful , such a good buy ( google to see how to use.. also an exercise band which again I would highly recommend ...
I thought I would share my findings and I would be interested to hear how many of us suffer with 'body armouring

Hi
I am just changing from citalopram to escitalopram due to side effects
It's been 2 wks and it was a straight swop
This past week my mood has def got lower and I'm struggling , I am also sleeping such a lot
I just spoke to the Gp and he said it will take 2/3 wks to work
I just thought as it's a very similar drug I'd feel no negative change
Has anyone else done this swop
Forgive me these drugs are called something else in America but I just haven't got the energy to google it

Weird day today, I went to work and was in charge. I find this stressful and whilst I was in a meeting I just went 'funny' sort of like a panic attack but I'm not sure ..my head all day had been telling me I'm no good 'usual theme' but today it got to me more
I left work with a massive headache ( suffered these all my life and then got home and didn't want to see anyone ...
What is good is I remember it will pass and to be kind to my self ...
I hate the way my head tells me I'm not good enough when I find something challenging it's like a self fufulling prophecy ...
I wish I was better at stuff, more intelligent and with it ..
The anti depressants don't help with the mental fog

Hi
I'm not normally someone who goes into 'why me' that much but today I am ...
I'm just on my way to going away again and I know I'm blessed I can do this but my neg thinking is 'what's the point if I'm going to be triggered like last time and find life so overwhelming on return ...
Re entry ....
Before I went away last time I was in a really good space emotionally , mentally and coping with work well - since returning I've been finding the everyday so difficult , mentally not in a good space and hating my life ( when there is nothing wrong with it )
Think I've also been experiencing the 'abandonment depression ' that pete w talks about ...

I don't want to feel like a child in an adult body - re experiencing feelings seemingly even worse than the first time I felt them yet with no external triggers -- I mean who wants that !!

The anti dep stop me from going completely off the scale and using addictions yet on the other hand I am emotionally blocked in some ways and also have brain lethargy to learn about cptsd -
I need to take pete w book piece by piece to make sense of it ...

Thank u for letting
Me rant ...
I'm fed up today and I know the best I can do is be kind to myself and take it one step at a time ( and not live in the future

Thank u for being here

Hi I came back of holiday with a friend and had such a lovely
Time ...
Since being back I've felt
Like a small child - overwhelmed - difficulty coping with day to day - it's a mental thing - my brain is just not operating well --
My life is fine ( I know this as a truth) but I feel like I'm in a major panic and like I'm in a tragedy ...
What is this called
In relation to cptsd ?

Hi Dutch uncle
May I ask is there a way for me to see which sections on the forum I have posted in?
I know I can look at updated bit but once they have been looked
At once I lose that ability and I forget which threads I have started

Kind regards and thank you for all you do for us here

Hi
I have these type of days sometimes and I don't know how to classify it so that I can look at how to cope with it ...
It's like this ...
I wake up and my mind is racing ... I can't seem to catch any thoughts as they are racing all over the place from subject to subject ... I then start feeling out of control and my breathing is more rapid, stomach knots and headache
I feel like a child in an adult body - trying to conduct my day is so difficult - I have some things to attend to and it is so overwhelming and I seem to lose the ability to prioritise and I feel like I'm wadding through thick mud
The obsessional stuff starts then and I want to be in control so my head starts ruminating about 'all the things I need to do and it all feels out of my control

After writing all this and reading it back I summise that 'this is anxiety ' but in terms of cptsd can these symptoms be defined as something in a framework relating to my condition
All thoughts / knowledge appreciated to help me manage this type of day

Hi it's me again, now I am on holiday with another friend and had a difficult day yesturday ...
( but a lovely day at the same time)
My friend is a cptsd survivor aswell
It was clear we were going to have a quiet day in our holiday barn in Wales and that was good and ok by me
Somewhere along the line I got triggered ...
'She doesn't like me ' 'she likes her other friends better' 'I'm boring' 'I talk too much' 'I don't say interesting enough things' 'she's angry ... Is it me ?
I then somehow flashed back to my m and how I used to feel around her and I could see I was triggered and could start to work with it ( thank u to pete walker )
I spoke to someone in recovery via phone and that helped
I realised that this self seeking in another and self pre occupation were dragging me down
It's as if I am looking for approval from others to let me know that I am ok, and when they don't I feel empty
Self assurance is something I am working on right now
As the triggering went on I could see I was getting more freeze like and fearful until the anxiety was at a level that was less than comfortable
Today is a new day
I wake up and the sun is rising
Today I know that yesturday insight and work has payed off - looking after the 'little lovely ' inside
Today I can be free and happy and not listen to the inner/ outer critic - I can be me free to be me
Relating to me is exactly where I am supposed to be
And the friend ship well I don't find friendships easy these days but then I remember there are many good time too

Hi
I'm staying at a 'friends' currently and I've found the past couple of days hard, very uncomfortable and disappointing ..
This is a friend that I don't know too well I've just met for dinner a few times over the past couple of yrs and this is my 3rd time staying with her.
It became apparent on this trip that she is angry, irritable and snappy in her communication..also she seems controlling and unable to bend and compromise ... All of this leads me to conclude that she is disrespectful of me and uncaring
My dilemma is 'am I over reacting ? Am I taking it personally when it's really nothing to do with me ?
Or is it perfectly justifiable to feel and think how I do ?

So on Friday I came to her house and initially was fine ... She then wanted to go out ( and that was OK by me ) we went to a pub and stood outside , music was playing and dancing etc . It got really cold and I felt miserable but wasn't able to say I wanted to go inside - I didn't feel that would be met well .... ( we are both in aa so don't drink
On the Saturday it was gay pride day and I wanted to walk in the parade when I asked her she was snappy and said 'I'm not I'm not gay ( I do wonder if she has unresolved sexuality issues ?
As Im fairly new at coming out it felt important to me ... But hey it was walk it on my own
I called her on the day as I was out and we were to meet up she was snappy on the phone about us meeting up and when I tried to be involved in the plan she was having none of it
When we eventually met up there was an Icey reception and it took some time to 'warm up'
She was adamant that she was sitting at the main stage and not moving - I went off for a bit to look at the festival
She spent the whole time just people watching , judging and looking down her nose
I had a problem with my eyes ( irritated from eye lash glue and it got really bad - I had to do and find first aid but yet she still was glued to sitting at the front stage
Later in the evening we moved spot and she wanted to go near to a skip which was a huge bin ...
When I said 'shall we move forward away from the bin ' she was snappy and said 'well does it smell ' I said 'no' she replied 'well then ' but it's a bit weird standing next to a bin - I said ' she replied
'You can move if you want ' with that I stepped forward a bit , I was fuming something snapped inside of me and I thought 'I'm either going to have a go at her or I can leave - and so I said I needed to go due to my eyes ( which was partly true ...
As I walked away I was so glad to be away from her - her company of the last 2 days was just unbearable
I'm trying hard to have compassion for her right now as I write this but I'm angry and feel I've been a bit abused these past couple of days - controlled and disrespected ...
I don't feel I'm in ef just feels it's the reality of her projections

So I came off anti dep as I felt 'so together and in a good place ..
Well I went very badly down hill with major inner critic stuff - I could not cope
I am back on them ( since Feb ) but I am not back to 'normal'
There has been a lot of change got out of long term relationship late last year ... Just recently moved house ( not my choice )
Somehow I am managing each day ( in spite of my head saying I'm not ...
The thing I'm struggling with is anxiety / fear and intrusive thoughts ... Are intrusive thoughts from the anxiety that is born from the anxiety ? I know they increase the anxiety ...I've had the same ones previously in my life and I know they are not real but they are distressing ...
This time on the anti depressants I don't feel 'myself ' but I don't know if that's the anti dep or where I am at ...
I dont even really know what I need ... I feel lost
I do recovery groups 12 steps and am looking at getting some counselling support 1-1 - I feel I need it
I hate the way I feel ... I do get some respite esp when busy - but sitting with myself is painful and stressful ...
Any suggestions - ideas - experiences appreciated

Blimey I just want to share my good news 'I feel good right now'
It's been a '*' of a 4 mths ... Came off anti dep went to mental / emotional bottom - wasn't coping - ( well I was now I look back but didn't feel I was ) ...
Inner critic was 'rife' day and night - I was in so much fear - could t work - house mate said needed to move out - relapsed on addiction
But now back on anti dep - friends have been kind - back at work - had a holiday
And the past days now - inner critic is quiet - fear is low - and I have a feeling of happiness
Thank you God
Thank you to everyone who helps me
Gratitude ++
I wish you well

Hi
I'm feeling despairing but because I take an anti depressant it is bare able ...
But I feel like 'how did my life get to this '
I'm 43 now and I look at my life and go really ?
I live in a shared house, in a job I find is way above my head - work a 4 day week as can't cope with more , money is tight , got out of a 4 yr relationship and then came out of denial as a gay women ,
Struggle mentally with my memory and cognitive ability ( was it always like this but now seeing it more as not using addictions ? - not sure ) . Lack friends and don't have anyone close really and am struggling big time learning to drive
The thing I ask so 'is it that my life is bad or is it the way I'm looking at it ?
If I turn it around and put some gratitude in I can say
I have a roof over my head
A job that pays
Chance of better future employment that isn't so stressful and difficult
One day I will pass my driving
I have some friends
I have hope of doing some more therapy in the future and hope to come off tablets

Any one else relate to feeling down about their life ?
Do most people go through difficult periods and feel like they are just surviving ?
Am I going through some kind of mid life crisis ?
Do I need a partner to be happy ?

Hi I'm realising more lately the cognitive difficulties I have ...
I think before when I've been in addictions I kidded myself I was more functional than I was
Problems I am encountering ....
Recall and short term memory - being able to focus - it's like I'm on another channel
Being about to problem solve and look at the broader picture
Having little to say - because I don't really know what to say

Have been asked by my house mate of 2.5 yrs to leave - her partner moved in and they want the house to selves - it's understandable and has changed so much here I'm not comfortable -
Flashbacked today to leaving home - clearing my stuff and leaving mother at the door said bye like I was going down the shop -
I'm 43 and fed up with having 'to move on again ' .
When I look around
I feel like everyone has stability - family - friends and a happy life
But I know this is not true -
Today when I cleared my stuff out I put some of it on the wall outside and a polish man was taking some things - he saw me and looked embarrassed and I assured him
In that moment it made me think of how many are worse off than me
The truth is I'm scared  - and also worried about who I may be sharing with at the next place --
As I work as a nurse busy environment when I'm home I need to spend signif time alone to de stress -
Then I thought about getting a studio so I can just live alone but I know that's not good for me - loneliness is not good it brings up the ' in so dysfunctional

I'm wondering what's the best type of therapy to get for the inner critic work ?

After 3 mths of meds free and feeling good and really hopeful had a massive crash ( worse for yrs ) and now back on them --
Releaved I am out of that 'bad place' but feel so trapped by the same token ...
'Is this my life' I ask myself 'sedated zombie like ...
This time I'm having worse side effects in terms of some blurred vision ... Been back on it ( citalopram ) for 7wks ...
I've tried numerous ones in the past and couldn't get past the side effects so this is the best of the worst ....
I don't feel I can explore any other options as I just can't afford any more sick time of work --
But by the same token I'm not sure I can carry on like this
Maybe I'll go speak to the doctor ....
Sometimes I feel hopeless like 'if mentally I was in such a bad place and meds helped how can I live my life in the future meds free ??
What is going to fix my mass psychological damaged that nearly killed me this last time ---
Am I doomed ? I had child trauma therapy ( but only 12 wks ) it was v good but it didn't 'fix me '
I'm 42 now I feel time is running out - I feel my options are so limited -
I need to feel hope ...
My reliance on meds has gotten more as I've got older and stopped using addictions --

I so want the hope that in the future I can live anti depressant free -- I have to have this hope ---

I refuse to live the rest of my days zombie like and my feelings squashed -- numb -- who wants to be numb --
I feel like I'm stoned all the time - I hate it --
I see me smiling and walking around Doing my day but I feel dead inside ....

Hi
So I've recently woken up to my 'perfectionist traits and how that has linked to my lack of friends -
This has either manifested by having friends and dumping them when they don't meet my overly high expectations / perfectionist box or not making friends in the first place for the same reason s
I can see that I have a lot of dislike for people eg their flaws and I distance myself -
I'm wondering if this is a fear based thing - that is I fear people so I use this way of thinking and attitude to keep them at a distance -
Also I find that most people
Talk a lot - and I am not that confident and so can be quieter - hence its not equal and then I can get resentful
I have made some progress but still have way to go

It feels that it's about me building myself up and holding my ground -

Any thoughts please share /)