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Hi
I really have reached a point where I am so fed up, upset (and bored) of my inner critic. Mine is always the same theme and is driving me to a place of feeling mad. This theme seeps into so many area of my life.
So it goes 'your unintelligent' 'your uninteresting' 'your boring'. I then go into freeze and then I doubly feel I am  the above. This inner votive stuff affects me at work, friendships, socialising and  any kind of performance based activity. All I want to do is run and go to sleep when it hits. It's like every word I breathe gives more evidence to 'see you are those things'. Do I believe the thoughts well yes I do. I'd give anything to be someone else at these times and be the perceived kind of intelligent, interesting person that I view so many people are.
The pain and drop in my mood is getting me well .. getting me down. I feel so uncomfortable with it.
It's like being abused except in some ways worse because I'm so aware and feel so powerless.
Will it ever go away ? I ask myself.
Any experiences, thoughts and especially solutions that may help will
Be very very gratefully received.

Hi
I'm getting support but I just am in such a flux of what to do ...
Basically I don't know if I'm fit for work or not .. I see the doc in 2 wks ( who won't be my regular doc as can't get an appointment with her but will keep trying).
I know I can't nurse anymore and so I was taking the tact of getting other type of less stressful work but then came to the realisation I can't manage full time work and part time in other work is low paid for what I've seen !
Then I thought I'll go down the benefits ( welfare ) route but my how do people live in that money? And here in the U.K. single people in house shares get so little housing support it's ridiculous.
So today I just don't know what the * to do or how to think about things...
I can look at a redeployment option in the nhs to a non nursing role but a I don't know if that's possible with how I've exhausted sickness.
I've now gone onto 1/2 pay and end June my pay will cease altogether

Feel stressed, worried and not in control

Hi,
I'm so relieved for this forum. I feel bad that I haven't been supporting others for a while and to be fair on myself I've been 'out there' trying to 'do it'.
So here I am 'again' signed off work, I can't do it, be a mental health nurse and when I see and hear myself say it, it makes perfect sense. I need to come back to me, self care and not keep driving myself up to this brick wall. I've been fearful to let nursing go because of money, prestige and having a career, I've so wanted a career. I've managed to do it for 10 yrs so it's not so bad hey.
I don't know what is next and I can't even think about it because it totally sends me into a spin of panic. How will I survive? what will I do ? Oh my god I'll end up doing some dead end job.   I can't work right now that's what I do know and I'm lucky in that I can get paid to be off sick from the nhs.
I have to trust and believe ill be taken care of. All through my life I've been ok in spite of having difficult periods in my mental health, so why should now be any different? I think it's because I've in my 40's now I want to feel more secure materially but it's not really happening. I do have some savings though and a decent place to live ( shared house), I have my 12 step recoveries and support from so many people, therapist, small handful of friends and couple family members. I have a relationship with god and a spiritual life, meditation. I have more than some but less than many .
I'm sick of being mentally unstable I really am but like so many things it's about accepting it. It's a long road..
the best thing I have got is people who understand and a relationship with myself today that knows how to be kind to myself and self soothe, be my own loving friend and that is priceless.
Thank u for letting me share and for being here. I just feel frightened and at times hopeless and I need the kind words of others x

Hi
I've long known I suffer with 'hyper vigilance' on alert in my environment, highly sensitive to noise and energies.
Today I read something that said 'we can live without a sense of urgency and strain', I then realised I've been living this way for sometime now .. my mind thinking ahead most of the time.. I know that is part of being human and modern society can be stressful but I really want to be able to practice mindfulness and being in the now more.. today I keep bringing my mind into the present this is helping ..
I meditate every morning and I've got an app called headspace - would be good for me to use this a bit more through the day ..
Anyone have their own experiences of hyper vigilance .. what helps you ? Any insights thoughts appreciated

Hi I take an ssri anti depressant - citalopram .. it works very well for my symptoms of cptsd and I'm very grateful for that at this point in my recovery.
I've had a long journey with coming off and on this med, trying different meds but not having success ..
I suffer side effects on this med , brain fog, slowed thinking, concentration and memory problems. I did some research and saw some people have had a small dose of Ritalin ( adhd ) med to counteract the cognitive problems ..
Does any one have experience of this or know anything about counteracting side effects ..?
I went to my Gp tonight and she is going to refer me to a psychiatrist but I'm not that hopeful for a solution ..
Maybe what I've found is more used in America ? I'm in the U.K.

Hi
I've just had an awful wk end with my father ... I've long known he isn't 'right and I always thought he was on the autistic spectrum...
After this wk end he appears to fit narcissist personality ...
He is extremely lacking in empathy I'd say none , I'm seeing more that when he does seemingly offer a bit it's maybe forced and 'put on' . He is manipulative, dishonest and completely self absorbed. He is in competition with me even over negative things for example my struggles this yr with my mental health..
I am seeing more he has no respect for me , talks about himself constantly and demands attention and my responses all the time- in opposition to the fact he does not respond or give me any attention except to grunt a 'um
He is either all happy and acting childish and stupid or completely negative and puts down others all the time. For example being sarcastic about strangers even within ear shot.. he has a completely negative view of the world , owns little of any ability to self reflect and has a paranoid stance when it comes to others in society ...
I am left from his visit hating him. I feel down trodden and used.
What I find amazing is that he owns so little if any empathy yet if I slightly don't give him full attention and admiration he will manipulate in an attempt to get it from me being hostile in his communication.
My mother is v likely bpd and they were married for near on 40 yrs. his personality has definitely been warped by all those yrs with her...
I've been clinging to this relationship with my dad as I have no contact with m ( 10 yrs ) and no contact with my brother. I can see now I've fallen back into being too there for my f and it has turned and bit me....
I feel like a failure
Rejected and unworthy of his genuine care. I've always known this but somehow I've woken up more fully to it
Where I go from here is unknown to me but it feels good to speak it all out.
He lives many miles away and we see each other about twice a year so it's not drastic in that sense... I just need to do it very different next time and can't see me having him to stay again ... this time he was in a guest house but even that is too much time with him ..
I feel like the little girl inside is crying she wanted it all to work out ...
The fairy tale is shattered ...
I value me even if he doesn't / can't

Hello
Just wanting to share my gratitude for how mentally stable I've been this past 2 wks which is down to anti depressant, healthy eating, exercise and regular sleep pattern
It never ceases to amaze me how unwell I can get
The anti dep reduces that chronic fear/ anxiety, makes me feel normal and that I can cope, cognitively can function and memory returns ( takes about 4 mths for me to feel this benefit
Reduces significantly my self hatred and hopelessness, reduces significantly social anxiety and increases my sociability which in turn increases people's interest and engagement with me also obsessive thinking reduces and so does OCD
A happy customer
The challenge will be returning to work and being on computers as the tablets give me visual disturbance but I won't worry about that now, also sex drive pretty gone but hey ...
Overall a happy customer thank god
Trauma therapy to start next mth

I'm so fed up with my head and how it dominates me, sometimes I'm just locked in it and then realise afterwards it's demise ...
The themes are :
I'm not intelligent enough
People don't think I'm interesting
I can't express myself properly
She likes her better than me
She's more intelligent than me
I wouldn't have thought of that

It drives me mad !!
Makes me feel bad and low

The only thing that helps is I say to myself 'I love you ' it really helps me self soothe

Any other things that help you I'd really appreciate

Hi, this week I've had 2 emotional flashbacks. It's a real shame as the week before this I was feeling the best I've felt in a long time- free from fear, feeling 'together' and having no inner critic ..
The first one was triggered by dealing with work related stuff re my sickness - that I was going to get reprimanded, bad consequences and the second was my inner critic attacking me for not being intelligent enough when I was around friends ( this has been a regular theme for about a yr - the not intelligent enough..
I've just been reading pete w literature about emotional flashbacks and he talks about the inner critic starting them and going into freeze behaviour, which is what I do.. I slept for 12 hours on and off last night and woke up in anxiety and feeling not in control ...
I lay there with my teddy bears asking myself 'what am I getting from being in bed' the answer 'I get to connect with the little girl who is frightened and shaken and I get to be there for her, reassure her and speak to her gently and with compassion , this always feels good...
Whilst I've not working I can take extra hours in bed and I'm trying not to beat myself up for this ...
I did some grounding and containment techniques this morning I learnt from a body trauma therapist and also some eft tapping and other things to get into my left brain and reassure myself I am safe

Any one else the freeze type ? Have you learnt ways to get out of and moving or do you allow yourself to freeze ?

I am awaiting trauma therapy at the moment

Hi
I keep getting this deep sense that I want to be reborn and be a baby/ child.. again, to re experience my whole experience with a kind and loving family ...
how life would have been different

Then my friend reminds me I am being re born in recovery and I get to re parent myself

Wish I had someone to take care of me though

I'm so grateful I got to learn about complex trauma and I then got an appointment with the psychiatrist ..
I just received the report and the words
'And without a doubt her problems do stem from her relationship with her m as a child '
'Has a diagnosis of complex trauma '
Her mother does not have a formal diagnosis of a psychiatric disorder but discussing various aspects of her m behaviour which clearly would fit this pattern'

To see this in black and white gives me a clear  boost that 'it's not ME, it's the effects of what happened to me'
I survived so long in addictions and now the time has come to get long term therapy ( which a charity has offered me specifically for trauma - so grateful)
To revise my life , will I continue to nurse or not ( not worked since Jan)
And continue on this path of recovery .
The trauma assessment therapist reminded me there is no quick fix ( don't we know it ) and I am back on meds again ( just so I can function to a certain extent )
I'm trusting the universe with my life
I'm turning to myself and saying it's ok dear one, we are ok today

Today I am grateful this forum is here as I feel so lonely with my own mind ...
I am having lots of self harm and suicidal thoughts .. they can include visuals of how
I don't have any plans or intent
Inner critic is so bad pulling me apart in so many ways ..
My doctor isn't empathic she just said 'do you have any intent' I said no and she just dismissed what I am experiencing mentally .. the anti depressant has been increased - just praying it works and I can get out of this distress ..
I am on the wait list for trauma therapy so that is positive

I hate my own mind .. I hate cptsd --
Feeling scared ...

Saving grace is that i am able to be kind to myself and be self compassionate ... I learnt this when in the throws of feeling so broken last yr
I have to hold on to hope .. this hard time will pass and my recovery will proceed further than it ever has before
I'm not able to work at the moment and each morning I dread waking up and facing myself .. so many people have a better life ... but of course many don't ...
life .. why do we suffer so ...

Hello there has anyone got any experience / knowledge on how we heal relationally -
How do I get more friends / people in my life ? I don't even really know what the problem is in order to start healing it ?
Is it not trusting people ?
Being too perfectionist?
Being too controlled ?
Um I seem to think it's all of it with me ...
Sometimes I feel desperate like I'll never get normal in this area
I'll soon be working with a trauma therapist and really hope I can get helped in this area
I so want more people in my life to share with ...

Hi
So I now have an appointment with the psychiatrist in 3 wks ...
The problem I am having is that I find it so difficult to put into words what I experience ..
When I say it it just seems like 'well that's just anxiety.
But then remember how disabling times are and think it's so much more but how do I say it that's my dilemma ?

I read about flashbacks and emotional triggers , disassociation and I read people's posts of course but still
I am struggling

Would people be able to share with me what goes on 'inside of them' in the hope that it may help me to put my own experience into words ..

I've started to write stuff down not in a technical way ( I think that's part of the problem I'm trying to make it sound psychiatric when just keeping it real and simple would be best ..

For example today I've been feeling reasonably calm 4/10. I then went to do some body work with new therapist and I spoke about a very difficult time when I was a teenager .. since the session I am hyperventilating, stomach churning and mind racing the thought over and over again about what happened / the image flashing in my mind
so this is being triggered right ? An emotional flashback ...
Many times when I go into this I can pinpoint the situation / person but I can't relate what it relates to in the past -
disassociation I still can't really relate to my experiences - I mean I zone out a lot around people esp loud people and crowds - I feel small and scared - my mind ruminates on a lot regarding their bad points ( real or imagined prob to get them away from me )
I spend more than the average person alone as it's easier

If anyone can help me make sense of what we experience and how to put it into words. I order I can feel more confident about going to the psychiatrist I'd really appreciate it ..

Today has been the best day for what feels like a long time .. I was actually smiling , really smiling .

3 things - I have an appointment with the psychiatrist and my old trauma therapist works for the same service now, so they are going to ask her to input . This means I may get a diagnosis, I may get some longer term treatment

I now have an occupational health review at work and my union rep said I may have faced discrimination from the process I've been in and I may be able to make a claim ( not getting too excited about that .. but I am grateful for the support I am getting

And also the best news I've had in a long time.. I was told by someone about a charity who does long term work with cptsd and I am self referring to it. The women on the phone said I am very much the person they help and they seem so good ! Also the guy who told me about the service said the same .
They do 1-1 for a year and also longer term group work to continue after ..
And it's free !
I can't believe this service exists !!

I've got so much help in only 2 meetings from 12 step acoa - I'd recommend to go to a meeting it has really helped me gain such useful information

Feeling grateful

Hi kizzie / Dutch uncle

I would like to ask am I able to post of suicidal ideation .. i am in no way wanting to harm myself or actually 'feel suicidal ' but I do get thoughts of 'I wish I was dead ' and also psychological flashes of hurting myself - image that flashes in my mind

I'm not sure how much I can share on this stuff

So after mths of struggle, have finally made the decision to leave my job
God it feels good
I have been battling for what feels so long to come to this decision ...
I tried I gave I surrendered
When the stress and expectation added on top of low self worth finally implodes yes it's time to move on
Complex ptsd is enough stress by itself would you agree ...

Hello
I have on going issue with brain fog as a side effect from ssri
Now what am can I do about it is the question ?
I'm upset everyday from this and it's effecting a lot of aspects of my life ..
Concentration problems, retaining information , brain alertness and enjoyment of using my intelligence
Generally I am so controlled by the drug I can't actually be bothered to do anything about it because 'what can actually be done ?
I've tried a few other anti dep and just haven't got on with them, escitalopram does work for me apart from the above mentioned
I have just read about taking a psycho stimulant such as Ritalin to counteract this but not sure how feasible this is or even if the doctor will go for the idea..
I feel ready to try anything in my desperation
It's a Rock and a hard place
Taking something that works but clearly gives such disabling effects too
When I came off the drug last yr I reallly became so ill, couldn't work and relapsed in addiction too

Any experiences, knowledge greatly appreciated

This brain fog is affecting my ability to work as a nurse and also pass my driving test

Hi
I've just been through 'another difficult period ' unfortunately was over the xmas and new yr period .. did get to enjoy some of it though

Seems it started when I upped my driving lessons in preparation for a test - the stress seemed to tip me over
What with working over Christmas too and the frenetic energy that is Christmas, I've had a 2-3 wk period of
Fear/ anxiety/ hyperventilating
Constant worry
What I'm wanting to share is when 'it' gets like this I feel so helpless and like a child ... everything is too much, my brain finds it v difficult to focus and I lose all sense of control ... this then creates more panic and thoughts of 'oh my god I'm going mad, I'll lose my job then I'll be homeless
What is happening to me at these times I ask ? I am in flashback ? Am I dissociating .. I just don't know
Pete walkers tools on emotional flashback and also inner critic attacks do seem to relate
At these times I feel so out of control and not in my body - everything feels hard and I feel in psychological terror- life threatened - actually yes in trauma 
Also so alone
This time it sure did last a lot longer than usual
I did all the right things did my 12 step meetings , calls - stayed sober and abstinent - kept balance doing gentle things too enough rest -
But really what it felt like was I was clinging to the edge of sanity

Can anyone identify ? Shed some light for me

So grateful to be out of it now ! Feel back to normal and not clinging to trying to cope - things feel easier again
Grateful for you all , a new yr , my home , comforts , money , friends , family
Hope , growth but most of all just for today sanity

Hello
Just sharing where I am at with the 'feeling lonely' experience ..
I've never been one for having a lot of people in my life and sometimes I feel an odd ball for it .. then I remember where I came from and say 'it's ok I'm doing ok and I am growing ...
Not having a partner at the moment and winter being here seems to be triggering the aloneness .. but I know that building friendships is important in this interim period as I don't want to go into my next relationship and be all or nothing about it .. expecting that one person to fill me up to the exclusion of a wider circle ...
Trust and intimacy are my issues in connecting with others I know this and also my own relationship with myself and my self confidence / self assurance..
but I am growing and I am trying and whilst I'm not where I 'want' to be with it all I am here working with what I have
I don't have many friends and I don't have anyone 'close ' in my life sometimes I think it's a big ask for others to forfill the missing family thing ... I crave the 'family feeling - living as part of a circle ... even though my foo were / are disfunctional I still look back with fond memories and feelings ...
no one does it like family / having a partner does ... now I'm in my 40's friendships arnt as time connected as they were in my 20's the days of 'best friend have left me somewhat ...