digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

anxiety attack tonite.  just trying to get tired enough now to sleep.

talked w/ my D about our disability interviews coming up next week.  i was so worried about her being hesitant about how everything has affected her, but she's got a plan, has accepted all of it now, so that relieved me.  hers is about disability benefits each month, but she's not holding out much hope - heard they're very difficult to get and even if it does go thru it takes a long time.  mine is to enable me to get door to door transportation from the city, which would be so helpful since we have no car.  the anxiety is just ramping up over both these.  now that i think of it, even if i don't get what i'm going for, if she's deemed disabled (she's finally being able to see how her anxiety has been a problem since high school), she'd be eligible for the transportation as well.

at any rate, fingers crossed and prayers flying!  this would bring so much relief to us, so much peace to us and our sense of well-being, and so much opportunity for healing.  having to worry about how we can get to the food bank or store or post office is still so stressful.   my chest is so tight right now. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you and your daughter get the outcome you're hoping for regarding the disability interviews - fingers crossed for you both. 

Sorry to hear you had an anxiety attack last night, and I really hope that you were able to get some sleep. 

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Armee]

My fingers are so so crossed for both of you.

I'm sorry you had an anxiety attack last night. Such a yucky feeling.

How long does it take to get the findings?

[Not Alone]

Praying for disability benefits for you and your D. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, armee, notalone, thank you all for the well wishes and the hugs.  i love them and back atcha!   

i'm in such a state right now, anxious, panicky.  found some plaque on my scalp and i flashed to my cancer 4 yrs. ago on the other side of my scalp.  no doc, no way to get to a doc, no money for a doc.  don't want to tell my D my fears cuz she's in such a bad place right now.  if i get the ride share thing-y 'ok' on tues., at least i'll have transportation, but right now it's exhausted me so much i can't think straight.  dammit, one friggin' thing after another.  i hope this is just a skin growth - i have a lot of moles that have been appearing (old age skin stuff), and i lived with the other cancer for over 10 yrs., so i don't want to worry, but sheeese!  i can hardly bear this anymore.  i frickin' need some peace!!!!

[Armee]

Oh my gosh San this makes me feel so so sad. I want you to be ok and get that checked out as soon as you can. 😪 I hate that there are so many barriers and that there should be a way for you to have that looked at but I know there are so many cracks in the medical safety net in so many places.

It would be better to know, than not know and worry.

[Armee]

And then a separate post for this:



This hug lasts as long as needed.

[sanmagic7]

armee, your words and that hug were perfect.  yep, i'd like to get it checked out, will do so when i can.  for the moment, i feel better than i did last nite.  i just dove into panic mode.  my skin has a lot of moles and such on it now (my D says i'm now polka-dotted), and i think this is just part of that whole thing, so i'm not going to worry.  but thank you so for your response.

was able to shower and work out today, so that feels better.  honestly, i just do deep dives nowadays at any little thing that is out of the ordinary.  plus, my disability phone call is tomorrow, and i believe i'm more stressed than i actually feel.  that'll send anyone over the edge quite quickly.  and i tend to write whatever it is here in order to get it out of me, at least for a little while. 

so, onward.  deep breath and *sigh*

[owl25]

Good luck with your call tomorrow. I can just imagine how nerve-wracking that must feel. I hope it goes well.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, owl.  fingers crossed!

i'm feeling very unstable right now.  too much stress.  as i'm winding down for sleep tonite, lots of anxiety about things i've posted, especially toward others, has arisen.  i feel like i'm overstepping my bounds, not coming across right, saying things i shouldn't say.  i don't know.  i've got to step away for a few days.  too much too much.

[Not Alone]

San, it stinks that you have another thing to deal with. You already have so much on your plate.

i just do deep dives nowadays at any little thing that is out of the ordinary.  plus, my disability phone call is tomorrow, and i believe i'm more stressed than i actually feel.  that'll send anyone over the edge quite quickly.  and i tend to write whatever it is here in order to get it out of me, at least for a little while.

I completely relate to "deep dives over anything out of the ordinary." I'm glad your writing here to get some relief from the intensity of your feelings.
Thinking of you and your phone call.

[Armee]

Oh San. 

I'm thinking of you today during your appointment. Stepping away if it reduces stress for you right now sounds very worthwhile. But I also want to assure you that you have never ever overstepped your bounds in what you've written in my journal. I have learned so so much from you there and here, and appreciate and savor every thoughtful word of it. It is filled with empathy, deep understanding, care, and emotion. I get filled with self doubt here, too, because it is a delicate balance to show up for each other, not get overwhelemed, and to not overwhelm others.

I'm thinking of you San while you wait for things to settle out. You are a worthwhile empathetic and dear friend.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you.  sorry, tho, that you experience something similar.  that, as you say, stinks.

armee, beautiful words, heartfelt to the core.  thank you.

i qualified for the disabled transportation, but it was extremely emotional and difficult.  My D was also worn out from it as she had to speak for me several times cuz my brain was freezing.  thanks to all for your thoughts, for being with me, and your good wishes.  so appreciated.  now we have my D's fed. disability application on thurs.  that will probably be worse, take longer, and who knows what's going to happen.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.  it would make all the difference to her life and ability to take a breath and get her feet back under her.  meanwhile, she has a great trauma therapist (mine) who i know will help her going forward.

i'm exhausted.  this will continue to be a rough week to get through.  my instability keeps hanging on.

[Armee]

 

I'm relieved you got the transportation disability approved. One thing right!!! 

Good luck getting through today and tomorrow! 

[Armee]