My 20 years old son

[healingme]

I am worried about my son,

He is 20 now.. but where we come from kids stay home until they decide to get married.
he lives with me (single mother) but he stayed at a friend's for a week now

he dropped university
he's literally up all night,
asleep all day,

he ruined a brand new 2023 full option Honda (his grandmother got it for him against all my objections.. I wanted him to drive the second hand car I initially got him until he is responsible enough to get his own car himself).

he sold it to a scrap-yard for pinnies (his grandmother doesn't know yet)

using the pinnies, he got a 2003 Ford that sucked fuel like there's no tomorrow (I paid for the petrol coz he spends all his pocket money in the skating rink on weekends, expensive per session entry)
 
he ruined the second car too
I helped him financially to fix it
but he got rid of it at the scrapyard after all

now, I wish he snaps out of it.. get his life in order

I fear he's wasting his life, not doing right by himself

I can't sleep properly when he isn't home
I woke up last night at 3 am, and called him

but the communication between us is really poor, we're not getting anywhere

he keeps promising everything will be alright, but it's all talk to shush me at the moment

I can't bare the thought of watching him amount to nothing due to lack of trying
he just wouldn't put an effort into anything at all..

besides... this whole situation is unbearably stressful for me
I can not afford someone else's mishaps
I have a job to tend to
a 6 year old daughter to take care of
and trying to make ends meet every month 


I feel the subject is controversial.. but I'm hoping you guys will be gentle

 
 

[Towhee]

Hi Healing Me,

I'm so sorry you're enduring all this, especially on top of your own trauma.  Watching someone we love damage their own lives is so painful.  Helplessness in the face of suffering has to be among the worst of feelings.

[healingme]

Thank you Towhee,
Yes, it really is. However I am feeling slightly better now.

[Kizzie]

I have learned over the years that "I" statements seem to help with keeping the other person's defensiveness down.  Instead of "You're this or that" it's more "I feel worried when xxxxxxxxx or I would really like to talk about xxxxx because I am upset and worried about you. 

In the end he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and life, and part of that is making mistakes, hard as they are for us as parents to stand by and watch happen. That may mean you don't step in and help him anymore. It may even mean he needs to move out and start looking after his life completely.

It's hard to do I know but it really is up to him now. And of course you can always tell him you love him and be there if he is sad. 

I hope that was gentle enough 

[storyworld]

I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through. As a parent of adult children, I totally understand. We went through something similar with one of our sons. (Not bio, but he lived with us after his abusive parents kicked him out and he calls us mom and dad.) He was making a lot of poor choices that, ultimately, resulted in him losing his job and not having money to pay for necessities. That, in turn, turned out to be the catalyst to motivate him to get his act together. I share all that to say, I understand the pain, anxiety, and stress of seeing someone you care about make poor choices that could have high consequences. If it's any consolation, I have discovered it isn't hugely uncommon for people in their early twenties to exhibit self-destructive behavior. That doesn't mean you are a bad parent.

[healingme]

I really can't express how heartwarming all your replies are. I truly am appreciative of this beautiful forum.

thank you Kizzie, yes I am currently telling myself that I have no control over what he decides to do or not do, even if he chooses to leave.

I will train myself to see it for what it really is "he already started his journey and no amount of talking, lecturing, convincing, pleading or crying is going to change the set of events he's meant to experience".

*how, when, or if he reaches the end of the tunnel is yet to be seen


thank you Storyworld, I appreciate your consolation indeed. I've been extremely stressed out for the past 5 months since it all started and I undoubtedly get disregulated and automatically doubt myself.