Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

To heck with R.A.I.N! How about a gentle summer shower, just at dusk, so you can see a rainbow as the sun sets?  All mosquitoes are banned within a mile radius. There's an energy field around you which only lets in peaceful vibrations. You are at the center of your own universe, which holds you in a secure embrace.

[Armee]

Hope

Please know that what you say is valuable, including parts that get erased. I would like you to know that in my journal you are welcome to not erase, if and when the eraser part feels safe enough to leave some. It's ok with me, if it's ok with you, if it trails off, or parts of it get erased, or if it doesn't make sense. I think it is still valuable. You work so hard and have such thoughtful things to say, and it makes me feel a little sad that so much of what you say needs to be erased.

Bee
I love the gentle shower image. My version of RAIN is still too much like hailing icicles. But it's getting gentler.

Rainy
Thanks for stopping in to relate with what I am feeling.

------
Well haha! After writing that to Hope I went and deleted my whole post.

Let's try again fewer details.

I'm feeling very hurt. T and I decided to try to ignore all the self-doubt that comes when I feel that way...hurt, angry, sad. As soon as I feel one of those I tell myself it's my fault or I'm misinterpreting something or whatever. So this week, just stop with the self doubt. I've had plenty of tests. But so far I have to say there's less misery when I just turn that voice off.

I'm also supposed to be very upfront with my husband and kids that spending time engaging with mom is very difficult but I want to be there for her cause it's important to me, but for a couple days after I'll be a bit out of it, and that I'd have to describe exactly what that looks like. Do the opposite of my mom....pull my family in close and get their support. So far all I managed was crying on my husband's shoulder that "I'm not ok" but that's a big step.

The next couple days are going to be hard.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate how hard you are working to manage experiences of self-doubt.  I wish you ease in the coming days. 

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, Armee.  I hear that it's hard. Sending you support.

[Armee]

Deep breath. I could also use a cup of tea. 

I'm having a lot of chest and neck tightness today and blurry vision. I'm deep cleaning for my sisters visit and finding myself stressed and irritable.

I wouldn't go so far as to call it an emotional flashback but...its also not just stress about cleaning.


TW....physical abuse (ugh it feels weird to write the abuse word there)

When we were kids we would get beat for not cleaning well enough or fast enough. My sister would get it worse than me because she'd talk back about it and when she would get hit she'd laugh and say it didn't hurt. I would say oh sorry! You're right I didn't do a good enough job let me fix that. I'd be stressed for always getting yelled at for not doing it right. But my sis remembers her getting beat more. So she turned into a super super neat freak and I turned into a bit of a slob. But now I'm seeing the gross stuff through her eyes and trying to deep clean all in one day. Also have to take kids back to school clothes shopping and go to the grocery store and figure out dinner. I thought they'd get here around 10 but they will be here much sooner.

Anyway this isn't stress about sis, it's about the mom time that will go with it, including meeting with her palliative care dr tomorrow morning about end of life care. Gulp.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you sharing.  That is a lot to be carrying around.  I will be thinking of you. 

[Snowdrop]

Tea on the way, my friend.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Armee,

Deep cleaning is a bummer, whether someone is coming or not. It makes a mess, feels disorganized and in general a very tough activity. So, if you feel irritable, cranky, impatient, stressed-it comes with the territory. I've never heard of anyone being calm, happy and energized while deep cleaning! 

And your description of your childhood punishment for not living up to unrealistic standards took me on a quick trip down and back on memory lane. Those placating, people pleasing statements, and "bobbing and weaving" around the rein of terror which you lived through. Just like you, sisters develop different adulthood styles (reactions) and I see a lot of my own story in yours. Seeing your sister and Mom, with attendant palliative care is certainly stretching all your inner resources. There isn't an easy or better way to go through it. Its the pits, regardless and for that reason, allow yourself whatever it takes to "get through" it.

If you want to rest, go ahead. Go outside and stare at the night sky-yup. Watch something ridiculous-sure. Play silly games with the kids-they'd love that. Or nothing at all. Just follow your muse.

[Armee]

Its not good. The shame and guilt are very high tonight. The hurt and horror were high yesterday. I know what I am supposed to do but...

Hmm. Dissociation has struck. Ok. I don't know what to say I guess.

[Snowdrop]

 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I am thinking of you. 

[CactusFlower]

Thinking of you as well and wishing helpful energy, Armee.

[Armee]

Thanks for the hugs and I wish I had more to give back in your own journals right now.

I need to figure out how to recover faster from the dysregulation of interacting with my mom, so it is less disruptive to my life and how I want to lead it. It's just this stuff sits like a wild animal on me for a day or two and with interactions increasing it means I'm not who I want to be in between those interactions.

There were a lot of hurtful feeling things at the palliative care dr appointment though the dr did a really nice job. Towards the end my mom made a bit of a psychotic violent comment about my sister. It wasn't a threat but it was like a weird peek into her thoughts. It was less upsetting to my sister but I couldn't stop crying whenever it would pop in my head.

But then also my mom has really declined a lot the past few weeks but still refuses to have an aide and refuses to ask for or accept help and she is very weak and frail.

My sister made a few comments that made me feel guilty. We're ok but I just got into a big funk last night. It's a little better today. More balanced. Still sucks but it isn't out of control. Still, I have a bit of an emotional hangover.

This week, too, won't be easy. I'll have some work to make up, the kids start school which will be a big adjustment. My mom has a surgery on Wednesday which I just found out about a couple days ago. And I need to set up hospice care which will be several appointments and difficult to navigate with my mom's resistance and denial.

[rainydiary]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Although it doesn't feel like it, I think you're doing really well. To describe it as an emotional hangover is perfect! Entering the palliative care stage is very hard. You will have lots of information you don't want. Added to that is dragging you Mother along. This is what I see:

A caring, sensitive, kind person
A sister who wants to protect her sibling
A daughter who has made difficult choices
A woman that has a strong inner core
A woman that believes in the future of herself and family
A connected, observant, energetic, enduring, spiritual being that is part of the good in the world

I'm in your corner.