Messages

Feeling these feelings is nothing but *, and I need some help to cope. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm probably the 2nd lowest I've ever been. The only things that have given me hope are a) putting a name to what I'm going through b) realizing that I would have been mostly okay had it not been for crappy humans and c) finding this site/forum.

I'm excited to start therapy once we move, but I know it'll be a long road. I've been trying to work on myself too, but it goes nowhere. I have severe mental blocks.

When I was younger, I used to binge drink on the weekends. I was trying to "have fun" and "party" - but was probably trying to cope. I was also on meth for a very long time. Now, I only drink occasionally, usually craft beer because I love it, and never more than 4. I use weed every day to help me cope. It helps some but my tolerance has built up and I'm trying to cut back.

Has anyone had any experience with kratom? It's from SE Asia and is used a lot to help people come off opioids. It's everywhere where I am but there's a whole bunch of different types. I tried 1 type, but it didn't do anything.

Started Wellbutrin 13 days ago - I had a really mild headache on the left side of my head day 9, really mild headache on the right side day 10, and I felt really really weird day 11, like I should have been depressed but I couldn't be, and day 12 was back to regular ol' me - hating life, yada. (I've suffered from headaches my whole life - what's mild to me may not be to anyone else, IDK)

I've also used psychedelics extensively, but only for fun. About a year ago I did mushrooms, but they either don't do enough or they do too much, and I get depressed the next day. LSD doesn't have that effect on me, but I think I'm done with psychedelics - I know what they are; there's no mystery.

I've tried opioids, smoked heroin - felt like drunk/tripping at the same time, wasn't my thing. Vicodin does nothing, Percocet sorta helped my pain when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and I tried 1 10mg Oxycontin once and it didn't do anything.

Thanks for the support guys!!! I'm so glad I've found this site. You'll be seeing me a lot I'm sure.

Coco,

Same here. I kind of remember being in the moment during events, but all of my memories are of me looking at myself. I've even tried to remember them from inside and I have a very hard time.

I don't think it means you were dissociated then; it could mean we've dissociated since. Maybe the incidents are too hard for the brain to process? I'd like to find out more about this too.

Hurt,

Yep. But I also have an ideological issue - I'm an anarchist/social libertarian. I don't want what there is I.e., money, fame, "success". I believe food, shelter/utilities, HC, education, clothing, and transportation are human rights. All I want is a little land and to be as self sufficient as possible. I guess I can achieve that. Harder than it sounds though, in my experience. I'm great at setting goals, but horrible at meeting them. I've never had a job that could even support me and my basic needs, let alone be able to buy land or support a family.

Thanks! Me too. My symptoms have been getting worse? more noticeable to me? I'm not sure how to put it. I almost just think they feel worse, cuz I can't ever remember being okay. To put a name to what's wrong with me and to find out all my symptoms come from my trauma is almost freeing. I'm starting therapy as soon as we move, in a month or 2.

The biggest thing is my lack of motivation - I think about finally catching a break and getting a job and I don't care. (Gf usually makes okay money). She talks to me about it and gets angry, but, whatever.

Hurtbeat,

This answers my question. I found out about cptsd about 2 months ago and have been wondering if my lack of motivation is a part of it. Guess so.

A lot of the abuse I endured from my dad was related to school work and goals. I never did homework and still got above avg grades. I have completed 2 years of college, but literally screamed for hours at the computer to write a 2 page paper. I can't go back until I get money, but I won't go back until I get some counseling.

I'm at a really low point rn. I started on Wellbutrin 3 days ago. I had a counseling appointment but the day before my gf lost her job and we'll be moving. I have a background, so it's hard for me to get a job in the 1st place, but now, I've lost all motivation. I have 2 *possible* opportunities in the near future, but when I think about actually doing them, I feel no motivation at all. I'm good at things, and people seem to like me at jobs I've had, but I'm close to giving up. Hoping the Wellbutrin helps until we get settled and I find a counselor.

39 on Thursday, suffered emotional, physical, psychological abuse from Mom, Dad, and​ 3/4 of my Grandparents from 4, when sis was born, until 18 when I left them behind with no life skills. I've had a messed up life. I've never made more than 25k in a year. I have 2 kids from 1st wife I signed over and don't see. I have a long time gf and an 8 yr old daughter. I've been clean from meth for 6 years in May, and I quit smoking over 1.5 years ago.

I discovered cptsd 2 months ago when I typed how I felt into Google. I have a very low self worth, self hating, yada. I found an article by Pete Walker today, then found this board, and now I'm here. Now, to find the search bar . . .