Sceal's new journal

[sanmagic7]

no matter what, i love your body.  it's been holding so much for you in order that you could survive with your sanity intact.  i love it for that cuz i'm so very glad you're still here with us and in my life.

glad your campaign went well.  actually, i had no doubt.  very cool that you had fun, too.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you, San! 

[Sceal]

Today has been one of those days.
Which was rather expected. I've gained ALOT of weight over-night. It's demotivating, despite knowing it's primarily water-weight. It's impossible to have gained so much as the scale said, and also - I didn't eat that much yesterday. But, still it's demotivating. I went for a 15 min walk today rather than 20x2. But atleast I did 15.

I woke up early enough, but felt so crappy I just stayed up for about an hour before I went to bed again.
I forgot to take in the laundry yesterday, so they of course were all wet. I drove to borrow my mother's dryer, and meanwhile cuddling the dogs. They were being extremely in need of cuddles. To the point it was getting a bit much. Perhaps they noticed things were a little off with me, and wanted to cheer me up or protect me. Who knows.
I did some cleaning, and I made a home-made pizza, and I've listened to music. But I feel sad.
Not overwhelmingly sad, just sad.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Lady L. I still haven't processed what she said last session.
I was talking about my experience with cultish-group and their abuse. I was extremely detached, it became very businesslike for me. She said some things that I otherwise wouldn't have handled very well if I hadn't been detached.

I'm not ready yet to talk about it here. I tried, but I'm scared of how it will look. Now that I'm thinking about that conversation, I feel even more sad. She said she was on my side, and she didn't want me to feel worse. That I could e-mail her, but I blocked her words until now. Until having to think back, because I wanted to sort it out before tomorrow. She was giving the viewpoint of J's place, and how it could have been percieved. And I'm fully aware of it, but being told by someone else - is now making me feel like my experience was just something I should "suck it up". She tried to tell me before I left that that's not how she meant it.

[sanmagic7]

i know from personal experience how frustrating that weight-gain overnight thing can be.  i also know our bodies fluctuate greatly, even in as short a space as a day.  you've been doing a lot of exercise lately, between walking and workouts.  it could be that your body is building muscle, which weighs more than fat, and that's what's being reflected on the scale.

every time i've begun a workout schedule, i have gained 5 pounds immediately.  this has happened to me many times in my life, but it has always happened.  it just happened with my d in the last few weeks cuz of the walking we've been doing, and the weights we've begun lifting.  please don't despair - i really think it's your body readjusting itself.  you've been doing so well with all this.  hang tough, ok?

sceal, these cults are meant to prey on the vulnerabilities of people, whether religious or otherwise.  they are very good at what they do.  like any narcissistic entity, they skew our thinking processes so that we feel the need to take on the burden of responsibility as our own.   this is not on you, you were a victim here, the shame/blame is on them for whatever and however it might have happened, no matter how any of it - the people, place, situation, whatever - was presented.

sending love and a hug filled with compassion, clarity, and caring.

[Sceal]

Thank you San, for validating my weightloss, and for reminding me that it might be muscle - although I don't think so - I haven't done any weights recently. But thank you 

I'm not sure they qualify as a cult- but they have cultish tendencies. And I think they picked me, because they didn't have to break me first. Someone else had already done that.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Just thought I'd mention that quick weigh gain is typically salt you ate the night before.  It's not magical fat that has been glued to your body    You have been working hard and I'm sure it's just a little salt.  to you if it feels ok

[Sceal]

Salt and water weight, I can deal with that.
I got another tip from my Lady L today, that I might want to increase my protein early in the day to help me keep my bloodsugar level levelled throughout the day until dinner, and maybe then I'll have less of cravings when I get as far as dinner - and maybe eat less. I know I eat very little for lunch and breakfast.
So I will try this. I walked around abit in town, and then I went on the treadmill again today.
I even managed to draw and work towards my passion-project.

[Sceal]

Today was another difficult day.

I felt close to nothing when I got ready for the day, and headed out for meeting Lady L. I wasn't quite sure what to talk about, what I wanted to say. I just felt drained. But I got out and it wasn't sunny anymore, it's raining. And more the kind of weather I'm used to.
I got there about half-an hour early. Sat down and chatted with one of Lady L's co-worker. She'd had a lovely summer vacation, and I got complimented ALOT on my new haircut. By various staff members. They said it really looked like me, which was nice - because that's what I feel like too. That I finally found the cut that is ME.

I wasn't very talkative with Lady L. I was most likely under-stimulated. Or not under-stimulated, but in the lower end of the Window of Tolerance. We talked about body-shame and food. I told her what I eat these days. And that I have no problem sticking to my regiment during the day - but once evening comes that's when I start to struggle with cravings. I might not always eat anything, but I keep looking for something to make, or something to eat. Or keep thinking about food in such a degree it's taking over.  She suggested I eat more protein in my breakfast and lunch and maybe that it'll keep my bloodsugar levels more even throughout the day and lessen the cravings. Well, the physical part of it, not the emotional part that I'm trying to cover up.
I don't particularly -feel- emotional, but if I analyze my behaviour it's clear that there's something I am trying to avoid or trying deal with. Exactly what that is, I'm honestly not quite sure of at the moment.
I'm glad we didn't continue talking about the cultish group and J. Because she's off on her vacation now, and that'd leave me with alot to deal with on my own for the next three weeks without support.  But it also felt that I'm giving her an impression of me that I'm not quite pleased with.

I chatted a little with an artist-friend of mine and I got some thoughts towards my passion-project (it's what it's called when you're doing it just for you, and not for a particular purpose). And I managed to do a few thumbnails, and I got some thoughts down on paper in regards to it. It feels as if I've done more work towards that now, and that feels nice. I stopped for a cup of Cappuchino Surprise, which really was the best Cappuchino I've ever had. I did my doodles and my writing and art-thinking.

Once I got home again I ended up watching tv-shows that I don't really like. I don't like the acting, I don't like the fact that you know what's going to happen EVERYTIME before it's happening, and I don't like how the 15 year old is supposedly oh so wise, clever, brilliant and empathetic that she's better than the adults that's supposed to guide her into adulthood. It's an old Canadian TV show, but somehow - I can't stop watching. And sometimes I get moved, and I can't for the life of me figure it out. Afterward I went on the threadmill, and I felt more activated. More ready and energetic to do things. I made dinner and then I went back to photoshop and continued drawing on a portrait drawing I've been working on. And I'm quite happy with the result. Happy enough to post it on social media, I don't expect I'll get alot of traction or attention on it. But I hope that I'll be able to make more of them, and more that I can share publicly. And eventually it'll be good enough to get traction.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting for my friends. They are going to a wedding, and they aren't bringing the twins with them. I wont be alone with them, but I suspect I'll be the main one in-charge of playing and keeping them happy. I'm drained before I've even started. I am really scared of being super drained.
My food schedule will also be off. I'll be able to have breakfast and lunch, but not dinner until way too late - and that's going to be a problem for me. But I am so honoured that my friends trust me with their children, and that they are asking ME for help. I know I'm not the first one they have asked, because I'm not biological family to them - and they got plenty to choose from there originally. I hope they wont be fussy and crying all day, but more happy enough to play mostly on their own (Hah! I can dream!). I look forward to seeing them, and I will try to keep it in my mind that a few months ago the two of them was what got me through my weeks of dread. Their eagerness to hang out with me, and their huge smiles just because I was there. And the gratitude of the parents.
It's something I'm trying to hold on to, because It meant alot to me at the time. I really felt wanted. Which was new for me.

[Deep Blue]

   have fun with the twins!

Since I'm the proud mommy of a 4 year old I have some tricks up my sleeve if you need them.  What age are they?

[Sceal]

I will! I'm charging my batteries before I head out!

They are 14 months, and no language yet.

----
I wrote about a downputting conversation I had with a friend in another thread. It is really bothering me, and I'm trying to let it go. But I'm struggling, I hope hanging out with the twins will put further distance on it.

I am tired though, and the day has barely started. Well, okay it started for me 2.5 hours ago. And ever since last night I just want to eat all the carbs. I'm craving the carbs, and I'm struggling really really hard not to make pancakes for lunch before I go. And I'm struggling to avoid defrosting left-over pizza for lunch. and avoiding thinking I can "just stop by the store on the way home and crab some crisps" because "it's saturday after-all", and "I'm going to be so worn after today, I need something pick-me-up tonight". Which I don't. I don't. I don't.  I hope my friend hasn't bought anything sweet for me to nibble on while watching the kids. She sometimes does that. And I will be too weak to resist today.

Last night I had terrible nightmares. War, persecution, monsters and r*. I usually don't have such voilent dreams as that. I wonder where it came from, not like I've been watching alot of movies or tv-shows regarding any of these topics.
I don't feel so good tbh.

I'm trying to self-soothe by drinking my favourite tea and sweet-talk myself. But my head and heart isn't co-operating with me.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope you enjoy the day playing with the twins, and it is nice that your friends asked you to baby-sit - it shows how much they trust you.  I'm so glad that you feel 'like you' with your new hair-cut and that so many people have commented that it looks really nice. 

I am wondering what a Cappuchino Surprise is - but I'm glad that it was the best one you've ever had.  It sounds really interesting! 

Great that you're working on a Passion project - I think that sounds good. 

I just wanted to wish you the best for the weekend - and send you a hug 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Sorry to hear you had bad nightmares last night, and hope that your tea is soothing - you take care - I should have read what you wrote before writing what I wrote - didn't see it till I'd posted.
for today - hopefully the twins will help you to renew some energy - and you'll enjoy the day.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

I'm happy for both your replies!
I'm also glad they asked me for babysitting, the babysitting went very well to be honest. I did drink my energydrink, but I wasn't as exhausted as I feared. Neither afterwards or on sunday. So that's good!

Cappuchino Surprise was a cappuchino with some added chocolate I think, and a little something on the side. A little Macaroon. It was perfect.

The nightmares have settled down into restless and stressful dreams instead. I'm not sure if that's any better.

[Sceal]

I've struggled with motivation for doing anything, which I suppose is common for me. And I'm not sure if I would say that this is a better place to be in than being hypervigilant. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that - but for me personally I'm not sure if it is a better place.

When I was hypervigilant last ( and I mean truly, proper hypervigilant over a time period for weeks and months) I was far more productive than I am now. I managed somehow to study, because I used it as a survival mechanism. It was escapism for me, until I couldn't focus enough - and I would struggle and stress about that - because the alternative was constant flashbacks, constant paranoia and constant fear. I went through the days physically shaking - it was awful. I ended up in the psych.ward, I stopped sleeping, I got digestive problems, and I started hallucinating and hearing the voices was on an all-time high. It wasn't pretty. But I had a reason to fight, and the reason was to get out of it. To be safe. To be able to sleep. To be able to breathe.

It took a long time, but then it turned oposite - and I for most parts now become hypo-vigilant (is that a term?). In other words I get stuck in freeze or fawn mode.  Or somewhere right inside the Window of Tolerance on the lower end, which takes away my willpower and motivation to do just about anything. My body is screaming at me these days. Either I'm hungry, because I'm eating less than I should, or my back, shoulder and hips are assaulting me with physical pain because I'm not moving. 90% of the day is spent sitting down. I get ideas, and I get plans, and I dream, but nothing happens. I don't do anything about them. At all. It gives me alot of time to think about all my flaws and all the things I suck at and aren't accomplishing. I don't have an incentive to do anything.
It's like I'm just doing therapy right now because it's all I know how to do. (although Lady T is away on vacation - which at first was okay - but is now I think a higher risk factor for me being less active.

It's not like I'm falling appart. I have bad dreams, nightmares and stressfull anxiety dreams again. My eating is out of whack, I tried to diet by eating roughly 1000 kcal a day, but everyone knows that's not going to work in the long-run. And I generally lasts about 2 weeks before it wears on my mind. My backpain and shoulder pain is forcing me to go back on painkillers.  So what I mean by that this mode-of-being isn't better than being hypervigilant is although it's not governed by fear it is governed by shame. And shame, for me, is harder to overcome. I cannot phone the police and say "help! The shame-monster is knocking on my door".  (I'm going to sketch that scene out). I don't have enough tools to ovecome it, and I don't have a big enough network that I can use when the shame comes knocking too hard on my door. Not yet.

Despite all of thise, I do have good days. Days where the inspiration and motivation to do something about it hits. Like today. I made a thing for my friends when they were expecting their twins as a baby-shower present. It's two wooden boards that's a tall measuring stick that they can write their height and age next to. And also plot in their first words, their first holiday, their first step and those kind of things. But it was lacking their names - because they hadn't decided on them before the baby-shower. So this morning I painted in their names and returned the boards to my friend (she hadn't noticed I'd snuck them out of the house last time) - so it was doubly fun for me. It felt good finally having done it, although I'm not really super pleased with the results.  I forced myself to leave the house so I visited my friend with the twins and spent the day with them. It was good. It'll be the last time, because on wednesday they start in kindergarten.

Right after I'd consumed dinner another friend pokes me on social media. She wanted my feedback on something and I am happy I could help her out. We end up having a skype-convo. Where she gets alot of work done, and I also get some perspective on what to do with my art. I feel fairly directionless, and it's sucked for a long time - but I am hoping that this conversation was the start for a direction in regards to that.
I don't have much hope for my art, or being able to actually live off of it, I don't have enough belief in me for that. And with being stuck in freeze mode more ofthen than I'd like to admit, I'm not getting alot of work done either.

So this post started somewhere I didn't expect and ended up with loads of thoughts in my head.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
It's strange how when writing in the Journal, where it ends up isn't always where we planned it to go - but I just wanted to say that I think your friend is so lucky to have such a creative friend as you to make those lovely things for the twins - I hope she liked it and appreciated what you did. 
I relate to what you're saying about struggling with motivation for doing anything - I struggle with that too - I vary day to day.  I can also see the hypervigilance and how that can help to spur action in certain regards - it can be motivating in itself.
I'm not sure if what I'm saying is making any sense, as I started to write and now I am not sure what I'm saying, so I'll just send you a hug - if that's ok -  Sceal.  Thanks also for telling me about the Surprise Cappuchino - I think I'll look out for one of those.  They sound lovely.
Hope