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I have been watching the latest series of Arrested Development, which I love, but it is such a different experience from watching the earlier series a few years ago, when I had no understanding that my family was completely dysfunctional!

I remember when I was introduced to the show over a decade ago, back when I thought that my FOO was perfectly hunky-dory. And my favourite character was the mother, Lucille Bluth, because I found her so savagely funny, but so real. I was baffled that she reminded me of my own mother, because she was awful, but my mother was a good mother... right? I mean, she told me so herself, so.... 

Fast forward a few years, and I figured out that my FOO is dysfunctional, though unfortunately nowhere near as entertaining (or rich) as the Bluths. I think it was the eye-rolls, and the cutting, invalidating comments intended to decimate any residual self-confidence that Lucille and my mother have in common. Oh, and the ever-present glass of booze in hand. I never even used to notice that my mother literally rolls her eyes at me in the middle of conversation. Just felt awful for hours, sometimes days, after a Skype call with her.

Now, watching the "healthy" character Michael descend to the same level as his mother by trying to use her own schemes and manipulations is walking that fine line between humour and pain. And of course, he never wins, never beats her at her own game, because she has had longer to hone her skills.

It's funny but a good reminder; never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. The only way forward for me is to tap out and climb out of the ring.

Yesterday, I read a post from another forum member who has come so far in their recovery that they no longer display the symptoms of cPTSD. I tried to find the post just now, but couldn't, so I can't remember their name. I noticed that they had been a member here for two years and in that time, had posted on average three times per day. This made me realise what a potent resource this forum can be.

I am resolving to post here regularly, about whatever crosses my mind. I also have my paper journal and have started a recovery journal thread here too, but I like the idea of posting more replies to ongoing conversations. I think this forum provides the best of both worlds when it comes to giving voice to our thoughts and feelings - it's written down, anonymous, moderated, and only people who really "get" cPTSD will see it, so it's non-threatening; but it also has responses from real-life people, giving other viewpoints and more emotional support. Win-win. So you'll be seeing more posts from me in future. 

I've decided to really commit to this journey to healing and beyond, and writing a journal that is visible is one step. I won't necessarily post daily, but this is here for my ramblings and things I want to share but are perhaps a bit self-indulgent.

First up, I'll say a bit about myself and my personal history; specifically, why I have concluded I have complex trauma. It's a big self-indulgent wish-mash, so reader, beware!

I am a thirty-three year old woman, living in a country very far from where I grew up, where all my FOO still live. I'm the third of four daughters, and my parents are both immigrants (from two different countries, though all English speaking countries), so it was just our little nuclear family growing up, really. My grandma came to live near us just before I was born and she remarried, so we did have wonderful grandparents.

My perspective:
I've almost always felt not good enough inside, like something was wrong with me. I'd say I was ok up to around age 8 or 9, but I know by the time I'd hit 11, the rot had well and truly set in and just got worse throughout my teens and well into my twenties. I struggled to fit in with other kids and didn't really learn to play nice, to get along, to deal with teasing or the little power struggles you get in groups of girls. I just pulled back from it all. I never shared my feelings or learned how to talk about what I was feeling. I also didn't discuss what was going on in my life at all, or share my assessments of situations (like if you see an awkward moment between two friends) with my girlfriends. I just hung back and desperately tried to fit in and be liked, but struggled, partly my tastes were so different to everyone else's, and my family prevented me from doing things like watching the TV shows everyone else watched.

Instead, I read a lot of books, watched the TV shows I could, and escaped into my fantasy world. I used to play games, daydreams really, where I imagined I was the characters I loved - Zelda or Link from the video games, Sailor Moon from TV, various princesses, sorceresses, fairies, ancient greek heroes, animals... anything that had special powers and adventures. And imagined I was very beautiful, too. Didn't really imagine friends though - they seemed a bit pointless to me.

I felt I was on the outside looking in at school and I was incredibly shy. I didn't really have friendships; just found people who tolerated me. I was very bright at schoolwork and did well in tests, but struggled to do any work outside of school, in the form of homework and assignments. I didn't know it, but I'd picked up subtle messages that I didn't matter, and my achievements weren't praiseworthy. My parents would actually put me down occasionally if I brought home a good test result or report card seeking praise; my older sisters would also join in or pick holes. I suppose they felt threatened. The inconsistency made it not worth trying to be noticed or praised. I wasn't encouraged or even welcome to bring my schoolwork home, to try to better myself, though my mother would berate me and I would cry when I was late with something. Home was my mother's space so I just didn't feel I could do anything differently.

My two older sisters were similar to me in many ways - bright, but not hardworking, and my whole family but especially my mother referred to us all as if we were the same. As if being a girl in this family meant we all acted the same, looked the same, had the same body type, the same social skills... I really struggled with this as it prevented me from forming my own identity. My older sisters bought into it wholesale and reinforced it too, making it seem quite competitive at times. They clashed with one another and often labelled me as being one way or another, which I didn't like. It cause them terrible problems, too, and they didn't know any better, of course. None of us discussed feelings, hopes, and dreams at all. It was like it was verboten. I occasionally had my flaws pointed out to me, but mostly, criticism was triangulated - I'd hear my mother or my older sister criticising a third party, pretty mercilessly, and because I never got much feedback, good or bad myself, I'd look at it and think "ok... I can't be like that, then. Otherwise, I know everyone will talk about me like this". So I tried to be perfect, but it was the restrictive, don't-do-anything-so-you-don't-make-any-mistakes kind of perfectionism, not even the hardworking, high achieving kind of perfectionism that, whilst terribly toxic, at least teaches you some life skills.

My mother fed subtle messages that we, as a family, were better than other families and that was why we had restrictions placed on us. But she also had a victim complex which I picked up on too. I felt simultaneously less than other children, but also better than them, too. As a very young girl, before the rot had set it, I had felt like there was something wrong with my family; that being a "Smith" girl (that's not our name) made me a lesser person; that we did things that were weird and wrong. Partly, I think that was a child's natural desire to fit in, reacting to some conservative but sound parenting, like restricting TV viewing. Partly though, it was a recognition there was something actually wrong with my parents' engagement, like not encouraging us to work on homework, or to share our feelings, or to recognise and enjoy our personalities. Throughout my tweens & teens, I internalised this message to feel that I was wrong, instead. I forgot that I had noticed a problem with my family and felt like it was me. My personal skills were so bad - struggled to make myself do any housework or homework, so shy I could barely speak at times, was often confrontational when I did speak, was late for everything - that it seemed pretty natural to conclude that there was something wrong with me anyway.

Around my teens, I was regularly having suicidal thoughts. It just seemed like the only future I could visualise for myself. It was the logical result of retreating into myself - I could finally remove myself from the world that didn't seem to want me, and I could keep myself pure and removed from the world and the people that didn't seem to recognise who I really felt I was inside. My (paternal) grandmother, mother, and oldest sister were all on antidepressants and I'd sort of figured that I must be depressed too, but I thought my mother would ridicule me if I said so.

Nuclear family explosion
When I was 14, my second older sister attempted suicide the day after Christmas. We never talked about it, other than my parents telling me that she was in hospital. We didn't really discuss what was going on with her, we talked minimally of her treatment, just where she was, etc, and didn't talk about how she felt or about how we felt. I already knew that feelings were not worth speaking about. I didn't want to open up to my parents for various reasons - I didn't trust them to be kind, I didn't trust them to respect my privacy, I didn't feel any sort of emotional bond with them anyway. My sister sort of disappeared for a while after that. Up until I finished high school, my parents seemed to be parenting me the way they wished they had parented her. She had attempted suicide after receiving her finals results and realising that she couldn't followed her planned course. My parents tired to make me quit school altogether. I fought them on that one and managed to stay, but it really reinforced that I was not good enough, they didn't see me for who I was, that I didn't have the right to plan a future, etc. I feel tense in my chest thinking of it.

My younger sister started self harming, I think it was shortly after the suicide attempt. My younger sister was really in a bad place, but it wasn't taken very seriously by my parents. They didn't seem to have the energy to give her the attention she needed, so looking back, her feelings and behaviours were treated more like an annoyance. I remember when she was still very young, about 10 or 12, she drank a few mouthfuls of turpentine and told mum she wanted to die. Mum made her vomit, but didn't really do anything about it. It had always been hard for my younger sister; not only was it tough to be the youngest of four daughters and people always just expected her to behave a certain way, but she also didn't really fit the pattern, as she had struggled with schoolwork and needed special motor therapy to learn to read and write. She is very smart, but not being good at school, especially when teachers told her they expected her to be, as a "Smith" girl, must have made her feel bad, and feel that she was not smart.

So anyway, we had a background of depression and emotional invalidation. I finished school and got ok test results, nothing special, but I hadn't planned to do anything like uni. I just worked at the local supermarket, did quite a lot of gaming, and played in a small band. I eventually found a full-time job as a receptionist and moved in with my boyfriend. I was trying to pursue music but wasn't particularly good - I struggled to practice, and had little to no confidence. Every time I auditioned for a band or a show and I was knocked back, I took it really hard. One time I cut myself because I didn't get into the band my boyfriend was in. I just had no support network of people I could really talk to, and no internal framework for holding an image of myself as a good enough person, despite rejection. So no resilience, I guess, although I resent that description of myself at times. I think I people with trauma like myself are remarkably resilient for staying alive after a childhood without love and warmth. But I digress.
I was just managing to get by but decided to break up with my boyfriend. I knew that we weren't right together and although he wasn't abusive, he hand't been particularly caring when I'd broken a bone a few months earlier. I broke up with him but then was rejected for the university course I'd applied for. I was blindsided and felt that I had no future. I attempted suicide. Did I live or did I die? Find out when you tune in next time, folks.

That was at the beginning of my twenties. Throughout my twenties and even up until recently, I keep being retraumatised by simple life events because I do not have the life skills to cope with what is going on around me. I still struggle to work hard, to apply myself to anything. I really feel despair at myself sometimes. I have "woken" from the fog at various points over the years, usually because the situation is so bad and I'm so depressed, I recognise that I must do something. However, I rarely manage to stick to consistent actions and so often sink back beneath the fog. It is only within the last six months that I've found the term "complex trauma", or C-PTSD, and allowed myself to apply this label to my symptoms. It's much more hopeful than the previous explanation, given to me by my mother, that it's all just depression. I've been told that depression runs in the family and there's nothing I can do about it, other than swallow pills and shut up and get on with it.

I am drawing a line in the sand. I've said it before, but now I'm saying it here. I believe I can improve my situation. I believe there are things I can do that will better my condition. I believe I'm good enough to deserve it. I believe I'm good enough to do it. I believe I'm a normal human being with positive and negative qualities, and simply by being human, I deserve, love, respect, and to hold hope. I am not defined by my mistakes, no matter what I've been told. In fact, I deserve to be able to make mistakes. I deserve to trust myself. I deserve to grow. I deserve to be able to shut out people who do not want the best for me. I deserve to trust my judgement in important life matters. I deserve to forgive myself when I get things wrong. I deserve to form my own opinion of myself and life, and not be reliant on others to think and judge for me. I deserve to define and refine my own life values and live by them. I deserve to discard the terrible, terrible life values that were instilled in me as a child and have done nothing for anyone who has subscribed to them. I deserve to condemn my parents, at least internally, for the harm they have caused, to me and my sisters. And even themselves. And I deserve to express myself, to tell my story. This is not edited for anyone else (clearly). This is my life, my story, and I refuse to allow the "narrative abuse" inflicted upon me by my disordered family to continue.

I really, really hope that I don't go under again. I'm afraid.

I have probably been "depressed" since I was about 10 or 11 - though very mild, low level. I get out of bed every day but feel tired and unenthusiastic. I reluctantly go to work and although I do enjoy elements of it and get lost in flow, I don't put in as much effort as I could, in order to conserve my energy. I long for something more, as I've never actually been encouraged by anyone to "pick" a career - my parents pushed me away from making choices about university when I was in high school, even though I was smart. I've just fallen into various paths over the years. I often struggle to perform any tasks that are non-essential, and feel even more down on myself for that. I struggle to work hard because I feel so disengaged with my life, with the results of my labour, and with the rest of the world. Then I feel bad that I'm lazy and incompetent. I don't necessarily use those words in my own self-talk inside my head, but I feel like this is who I am, that I'm not good enough and have no agency and can't trust myself.

I hate reading diagnostic tests that say things like you are depressed if "you are not feeling yourself, or don't have your normal levels of happiness or energy". I've always been like this, at least all my adult life and teens. Does that mean this is just who I am? I can't change? Finding out about C-PTSD has allowed me to have some true hope, because it explains why I feel so down and it also shows I can grow and heal. I think I must be primarily a freeze type (though I can see flight, fight and fawn rearing their ugly heads too). I have retreated inside myself so deeply that I am often not even really here. I've had so many crappy jobs that I hated over the years, like waitressing, where I was shy and didn't want to be there so retreated inside my head and then was even worse at the job, forgetting things and dropping things, etc. I think some coworkers treated me badly because they thought I was stupid. I like my job more now, but am struggling to stay engaged and deal with the day-to-day admin, etc. I can do it, but I just struggle to and feel on edge a lot, and struggle to believe that I'm good enough at the job. I also feel like there's not much point in doing extra, because it takes energy I don't feel I have. Paradoxically, the stress I feel from the self-criticism I engage in is what sucks the life out of me, so I might as well just do he extra work to get it up to my perfectionistic standards, but I'm struggling to turn it around as I still don't see the point. Feels like a Catch-22.

I have also never really focused on having real fun or leisure, or planning fun things ahead of time, which is draining the life out of me too. I am trying to do more lately, planning fun things so that I have nice things to look forward to and moments of real enjoyment to boost my mood, but it's hard building this habit. As a kid, I was not taught that fun and enjoyment were important, or even that my feelings really mattered. Also, I feel like I keep whiting out when I get overwhelmed because my schedule is too busy, and it's like I wake up weeks later from the fog.

So, lately I've been feeling like my mood has been ok, stable, but just.. directionless. I'm not unhappy, and I have not had suicidal thoughts for a long time (years and years), because I really do love and feel valued by my partner, but I feel like trying harder is kind of pointless. I've been looking for a therapist lately, but that's going slow. The key things I've realised that I need to do right now are journalling every day, meditating every day, and I think I will add posting here every day to the list. Eating, sleeping, and exercising well can all go on the list as well, although I'm doing ok in those areas atm. I know that journalling, etc, is important, but haven't been doing it religiously. I do hope it will help me process my feelings a bit more and bring my mood up, because I am kind of... tired of feeling like everything is pointless. It is classic depression - feeling hopeless about the future, and helpless about how to change. I know I can improve step-by-step as I have done over the years, but not having any undepressed adult years or a healthy family for role models makes me feel like I'm navigating life without a compass.

I'm searching for a therapist who can understand C-PTSD.

I had a first session with a therapist who I felt very validated by when I discussed my family environment. However, I felt she talked too a bit too much and often misunderstood me, especially when I made a comment that I felt uncomfortable having my body reactions observed - it wasn't intended to be a criticism of her, but just saying how I responded to it. She seemed.. hurt/offended? but said thank you for the feedback, etc. I felt uncomfortable because although she said the right things, her response didn't seem honest. She then sort of summarised what I had said, but I didn't think it was quite what I meant. I didn't want to comment again because I felt like she was already making a bigger deal out of something that I hadn't intended as a big deal. I also was a bit put out by how she handled payment.

It wasn't terrible but it didn't feel quite right, so I won't keep going to sessions with her. However, I don't relish the thought of having to keep looking for the right therapist. I really would just like to start therapy already, as I'm oversharing with friends etc too much.

A few years ago, I had 18 months of therapy with an institute that trains therapists, so it was great for the low prices, but I had to change therapists every six months or so. I really connected with the first therapist but after that, I didn't feel I bonded with the others. I wonder if this experience is making it harder to bond with a new therapist?

I contacted the therapist who I really connected at the institute with but she has moved about 2 hours away from me now and so I could only get Skype sessions - not good with trauma work. She was the one who had suggested the new therapist I saw recently, so I almost feel like I've burned any bridges I had with her anyway.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to find a good therapist? The thought of "shopping around" and having to reveal myself each time is galling. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive, but I'm trying to trust my gut and find something that feels right.

Hey guys, a really long read here. It's about a friend who I think was subtly, covertly manipulating me, and I've recently called him out on it. It's turned into more of a journal entry than a post as I'm getting my thoughts in order. Have a scan if this is a familiar situation to you, but I realise it's incredibly long so probably won't get any replies! See the next post down for a tl;dr!

I have a close friend who I met a few years ago. We often discuss our goals, aspirations, difficult backgrounds and therapy, etc. I feel that we're close and value his friendship, but I know that he is very status-conscious in terms of valuing himself and others for a high-status job and other indicators of status, such as looks, fitness, travel, achievement in creative fields, etc, whereas my values have shifted to being more internal, being content in myself, feeling self love & acceptance, etc. When we first met I was more ambitious, thinking that I had to be successful in some creative field, like singing, writing, or stand up comedy. I still love those things but recognise that I was hoping for some kind of prestige in order to feel safe after my invalidating childhood. Although I hope to pursue some of these things more as I love them and they make me come alive, I'm not sure if I am really driven to succeed. The trauma has never really allowed me to be a super-motivated person, although I'm proud of what I have done. I feel like my friend however is quite attached to the idea that I'll be very successful in some creative field or other.

I saw him recently and first he discussed how he is frustrated with his boyfriend for various reasons - his boyfriend has put on some weight, and is not interested in changing his job or developing his career. My friend asked for my opinion about how to express what he wanted, and he first suggested something pretty subtle - I can't remember exactly, but it was some sort of indirect criticism. I said that wasn't good, it's covert manipulation, so my friend said he could try pointing out the positives - "I'm really attracted to guys with flat stomachs". I said that sounded a bit better - I don't think it sounds great but I also don't want to be telling my friend what to do. I'm a straight woman and he's a gay man, so there's no romantic undertones here, by the way.

Anyway, several times later that night, I got the feeling he was using these positive reinforcement techniques on me. I didn't realise at the time, but felt uncomfortable. He praised me for having goals and ambitions, for being tough to survive in the busy city we're living in (his boyfriend is considering returning to his home country), etc. Quite a bit of "comparative praise" - building me up at his boyfriend's expense - which I detest. He does praise me often, to be fair, but the praise felt hollow generally, and several times I "corrected" him and said that I wasn't proud of the thing he was building up, but more proud of my individuality, openness, and attitude. In the meantime, he was also asking me about my creative projects, which I haven't progressed in the last month because of various reasons, such as work, family drama, finding a new therapist etc. I felt like he was probing and trying to hold me accountable. Of course, I'd like to be making more progress towards the things I love, and so I felt a little embarrassed that I'm not following through. However, I know I'm focusing on the really important stuff - recovery - and I don't want my aspirations to be what he likes about me, and I also don't appreciate him acting like I'm answerable to him. We had sort of established this relationship where we support each other towards our goals, so I didn't call him out on it at the time. However, I felt icky and irritable overall; intruded upon, like my boundaries were being crossed. I want a friend who cares about me for who I am.

After heading home, I realised that the way he interacted with me was exactly the same way he'd decided to communicate with his partner - emphasising the positives to get him to do what he wants. I didn't feel upset, but put off and annoyed. It made sense of some messages he's been giving me for a while. Generally, I'd say I've maintained my boundaries with him fairly well based on how deep I think our relationship can go, so I'm not too hurt, just a bit insulted really.

I decided to give myself the validation of trusting myself and called him out on it. I sent an email the next day, saying that I thought that he had used the techniques he discussed about communicating with his boyfriend on me, to try to manipulate me a certain way. I also mentioned that I wanted to be accepted for who I am, and didn't like being praised in a comparative way. He replied pretty soon after, saying he was surprised and confused, didn't mean to upset me, but was open to listening. It was an ok response, but I also noticed that he didn't acknowledge that the way he spoke to me had resembled that technique we'd discussed. He also didn't say that he respected me for who I am, but reiterated that he respects me for goal setting/ambitions, and even told me that he had praised me to his boyfriend and compared me to him again in the email. He asked for examples of the manipulation, which I'd already given, and then at the end flipped it on me and asked why I thought he would even want to manipulate me, which I don't think is my responsibility to fathom, so I left it. I sent another, shorter email reiterating that I felt like he was trying to nudge me in a certain direction and that I didn't like it because I didn't feel accepted for who I am, and I don't like the porous boundaries. I've left it at that for now.

I honestly feel like I've caught him red-handed; to discuss this method openly and then to see it in action, being used on me. I know it happened; I felt it. I believe that he may be doing it unconsciously, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think he probably isn't aware that he's doing it, and I also don't think he's aware that it's wrong, either. But I do think he subconsciously knows the buttons to push to get reactions that he wants and to feel in control.

Another covert technique he used that night is that he kept saying that he is working on forgiving his mother whenever I mentioned stuff about my mum. I said that I'm going to get therapy for trauma because I'm certain my mother is a covert narcissist, and I mentioned that I had emailed my mother about something important and felt really unsettled by her reply for no obvious reason. I got the feeling that he didn't approve of what I was saying as he asked for more information in what seemed like a demanding way and didn't nod or validate what I was saying in any way. There were awkward pauses after I answered two of his questions, when he said nothing and I felt the urge to fill the space, but resisted. Both times I mentioned issues I have with my mother, he said that he was trying to forgive his own mother. He didn't offer that as advice, or ask me if I thought that would work for me. He just said that he was working on forgiving his mother, like as if that's what I should be doing. That was the subtext. Bear in mind that I've listened to him talk about plenty of issues that he has with his mother, so it's not like I dropped something really inappropriate into the conversation. I think there's two reasons he kept pushing the "forgiveness" idea at me -
1)  he's uncomfortable with the idea of me criticising my mother as he is programmed not to do so with his and wants to stop the discomfort; he's possibly also uncomfortable with the idea of me calling out manipulation, etc, and unconsciously wants to nip it in the bud so I don't get in the habit...
2) he also doesn't have much self confidence, so I think he wants to push me to make the same decisions that he does as a form of validation... He's chosen to work on his relationship with his mother, through therapy and other means, so if I do it too, then it validates his choices. It's a real inability to respect my boundaries as a separate person, with my own needs and wants and rights.

I didn't like the way he kept pushing the forgiveness thing indirectly at me, and it didn't feel right. I'd have been happy to hear him bring up  a conversation about his relationship with his mum, but he wasn't doing it to communicate openly, but rather, to influence or silence me. Saying the word forgiveness always makes you look good, but it was an excuse to not have to engage with what I was saying. I also felt like I was being paranoid when I interpreted him mentioning "forgiveness" as a covert criticism of me, which almost made me want to not write about it here. However, as soon as I saw the words in from of me, it helped me recognise that it is another covert tactic. I think he was trying to make out that I was blaming her rather than taking responsibility for myself, when in actual fact, I am holding her accountable. It's pretty uncomfortable for manipulators when accountability starts happening.

Now that I think about it, I do give him a tremendous amount of validation and attention, which could be a source of narcissistic supply. I've been a bit alarmed to realise that he does check a lot of the narcissistic boxes - valuing superficial things; false praise; feeds off energy; highly sensitive; superiority; misunderstood special person; passive-aggressiveness & indirect manipulation, not just me but with his partner and family too... I didn't really see this coming, to be honest and I'm curious if I'm right about this or if I'm having a false alarm. Of course, I have not accused him of being a narc, just called him out on the manipulation I saw. I am going to think carefully about what I want from our friendship going forward, and even more importantly, about how much validation and emotional energy I am giving away to those who want it from me. And especially, that I often do not give myself the same validating energy. This is a bit of a wake up call - I often make friends by listening sympathetically to others and validating them. I'm very accepting and kind, but it drains so much from me. And it's avoiding real connection when I just listen a lot - sneaky of me!

Anyway, I think I see the situation for what it is. It's a big leap trusting myself this much, and of course I know I could be wrong, but it feels right. I need to give myself this gift of believing in myself, and of taking thoughts and feelings and turning them into action (after careful consideration, of course). I'm a little afraid that I could be paranoid, that I could be isolating myself further, that I'm being rash, etc... but you know what, I also feel like I'm doing the right thing by me. Even if I'm wrong, at least now I can actually learn something from experience instead of staying in limbo. It feels good to give myself permission to believe myself and do what I want.

I want to discuss how I react aggressively in confrontations. I'm concerned that I may have some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies, or possibly “fleas”. Though I’ve definitely made some improvement, I am generally too sensitive to criticism, perceived or real. In arguments with my partner, I often lash out verbally if I feel he’s being critical of me; sometimes even if I just don’t feel validated.

The thing that bothers me is that it's not so different from my mother, who I would consider emotionally abusive, and probably narcissistic/borderline. She lashes out for similar reasons - criticism, and lack of validation. I could be worse than I am - I'm able to avoid blurting out just anything that comes to mind and there are certain boundaries I don't cross - but I still say some things that are harsher than I would like. My partner has said that although our relationship is mostly very good, sometimes in arguments it seems like I hate him.

I have tried to keep this anger at the world hidden inside myself for so long, whilst simultaneously fuelling it with self-victimising thoughts and spirals of rumination. Recently, I’ve become more self-aware of my body, emotions, and mental patterns. During a recent argument, my partner said something that I felt massively triggered by and I felt my whole body go numb and cold, and then a moment later I lashed out at him verbally. I'd never noticed my body do that before. I still felt guilty a few days later, though I'm trying to focus on the positive fact that I noticed this trigger occurring in my body, even though I wasn't able to change my behaviour this time. Fact-finding mission, I guess.

Though I know trauma probably explains my behaviour and can be improved, I’m still worried I’ll turn out like my mother and continue that cycle of intergenerational abuse. So I'm trying to stay generally optimistic and find the balance between recognising my bad behaviour for what it is and not blaming others or making excuses, but also not getting overwhelmed and feeling pessimistic and self-blaming.

I often go through cycles of relative clarity and energy, before running out of steam and getting lost in the fog. My mind and thinking go fuzzy and I start to struggle with day-to-day stuff, particularly work, and it all starts to feel like I'm struggling to survive. Then I claw myself out of this again, either by waiting for it to pass naturally (and possibly not even being conscious that I've gone under), or sometimes when I notice and give myself a little more self-care. I often make plans about skills and projects that I want to work on, breaking down goals into habits (making smaller), or focusing on long-term benefits (big picture thinking), but neither seem to work when I hit that shutdown and go into survival mode - I no longer trust my right to try to improve myself, no longer trust that my plans have a chance of working, and I switch into just getting by.

It seems to go in cycles of two to six weeks of positive energy and clarity, and about three to eight weeks negative, though I've never documented this. I think the negative cycle can be extended even further if I'm in work or study where I feel lost or isolated - maybe even months on end before a holiday or break recharge my batteries. I guess a mood journal would help, so I'll look into finding a lockable word processing app, as I've never liked the idea of leaving documents about my thoughts and mental condition lying around. I have journalled a bit in the past so getting back into that positive habit would probably help with the fog as well. I think journalling will be particularly helpful if I use it to pay attention to the triggers/warning signs that lead to the dark phase/shutdown cycle. Some triggers this time were: not catching up with my work notes so they built up and overwhelmed me; going away for a long weekend with my partner to stay with his family (which was really nice, just took energy); and receiving some (slightly) negative feedback from a client that blindsided me because she had seemed satisfied.

I think this must be really common to find your energy and clarity rolling in waves, even amongst people who don't suffer form CPTSD. But I think for us it's super-important to monitor and understand.  Although I enjoy journalling, I was reluctant to use it in a regimented way to keep track of moods and triggers, etc, as it seems like another habit that I'll drop as soon as I'm struggling. However, I think it's probably a good option to at least consider. Who else has this issue (energy/happiness in up-and-down cycles), and what are your strategies for managing it?

I'm struggling with the fact that I seem to have developed CPTSD after an emotionally barren childhood, but have none of the horror stories most people seem to have.

I read about physical, verbal and sexual abuse, parentification, and so many other terrible details, and I feel so sorry that people have suffered that, but I also feel guilty that I am considering myself similar to them. I was never beaten, rarely verbally abused, never sexually violated, and rather than being forced to do lots of housework, my parents just gave up trying to get us to do our chores. Intellectually, I know that trauma can be caused by poor attachment alone, and I can certainly see that that's what happened to me, but emotionally, it rings hollow and I feel guilty, confused, and unable to trust my judgment.

If there is anyone else out there in the same boat as me - emotional neglect and poor attachment alone have wreaked havoc on your life - then I would love to hear your thoughts about whether this bothered you, and if so, what helped you to trust your assessment of the situation. I'm struggling to take the next step and try to slowly build some aspects of personality from scratch without first being able to accept what I think is the truth - I was abused by my parents and that abuse has caused trauma, which has affected me profoundly and is still creating problems.

Hello there,

Where to begin! I'm feeling optimistic to be here. I've just joined the site and I'm looking forward to hearing/reading stories of those in similar situations to me, and sharing my own.

Let me share my journey in figuring out that I am suffering from childhood emotional trauma, caused by emotional neglect.

I've had several years' worth of therapy spread out over the last six years which helped to a certain extent, though it did not aim to diagnose me or inform me and thus, I feel, was not directed enough to really benefit me. I also spent that time reading, researching, watching youtube videos, and just generally educating myself about what's going on with me. I had always simply thought that I had depression and it ran in the family, and that was that. However, it didn't address a lot of the issues I was having, of an unstable and almost invisible self-image, lack of hope and planning for the future, general distrust of people, and fear of new situations and being seen. I eventually concluded that the depression was just a symptom and not the cause. I stumbled across other possible diagnoses in my research - codependent, BPD, ADD (not ADHD - I'm not hyperactive), even Asperger's, before eventually concluding that my mother probably had NPD, BPD, or most likely was traumatised herself; and so the best diagnosis for me is c-PTSD. It absolutely checks all the boxes and explains so, so much about my self-beliefs, behaviours and sensations, though I still have a very hard time applying this label as my childhood didn't seem that bad. My parents were emotionally neglectful and painfully dismissive, rather than overtly abusive in any way. Of course, the guilt that I feel and the warped thinking and inability to trust my own cognitions is all contributing to me struggling to trust my judgment. But if the shoe fits, wear it. I am now searching for a new therapist, someone who specialises in recovery from childhood trauma, particularly someone who has worked with other people who were covertly abused and emotionally neglected. If anyone knows a good therapist in London, do shout out!

I am looking forward to finally addressing the actual issue, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard. I am in the process of going no-contact with my mother and figuring out the details and how to deal with the fallout. I'm still nervous about life in general as I am so easily triggered that I don't feel I can completely trust myself and I struggle to connect with the people around me and feel very isolated. But I hope that I can process some of this and learn and grow and change.

Thanks for reading.