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Hi The truth,

Off topic question. What do you mean by the term’redundant’? This is not a common term used in the U.S.

Edit: I looked it up - to let go - That’s right, its a Kiwi term.

By the way, hearing of your calm after such an ordeal makes me happy for you. The loss you described from five years ago sounds painful, the choices you made over the years lead you to where you are now. I experienced a loss many years ago as well, the choices along the way were hard and often times I was disturbed by the ugliness - but there was always the present, and here we are. May we (universal) continue to grow into our authentic lives.

One thing I enjoy is looking up the definitions of terms because my mind over the years can change the understanding of a word and eventually misuse it, until I look at the definition again.

Respicere; respect - to look at, the ability to see someone as he/she is, aware.

I am unfamiliar with the symptoms of DDNOS but I can offer my experience of conversations in the past with people I care about, who were actively engaged in harmful behaviors —- and how I worked through my own harmful behaviors that came from growing up around codependent FOO and being a codependent in a relationship.

Speaking out loud about the harmful behaviors

Being aware of the (potentially) harmful behaviors and how it affects others (little you) is a way forward — once there is acknowledgement (spoken out in the open) then a discussion can happen to find a way through. This discussion involves listening and sharing —- being compassionate to one another’s situation. If there are minors (young adults as in your alter) involved, their safety comes first and sets the tone for any act/conversation. Seeking information online or in your local community about sexual health and responsibility is a start —- I am a fan of UCLA’s Sex Squad Site — lots of information there!

Taking time alone

Something that has helped me immensely when I feel intense emotion while wanting to take part in a healthy conversation; responding with an objective mind and compassionate heart—- is taking the time alone before the chat, to ask myself, what do I hope to gain from this conversation? How am I taking care of myself in this situation (boundaries?), what am I able to offer the other person?   

I hope you have found a way through this.
You are in my thoughts.

I have some thoughts to offer about working through the ‘all of a sudden’ feelings you mentioned when you are close with your SO. But first I have to offer a background so you understand how I got there.. TW*

I was in a relationship with someone I had been friends with for many years, Theil - we enjoyed being together and we respected one another (being sensitive to where we were - he was going through a major life change and I recently connected with my biological father after 26yrs.) As we became more intimate I started having emotional flashback’s. I didn’t recognize these feelings till it was over. i felt a need to shower, to run away, aching stomach pain — I doubted his intentions, considered that he was a predator (was not true). I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I didn’t know how to talk about it. Theil kept asking - he didn’t understand because we were ‘biologically connected’ (his words to describe when one partner has sensations that sync up with the other partner when you are apart) Our American Indian heritage (honors the body and spirit like a wild animal) validated these ‘magical’ natural urges (everything was right), so having the feeling to flee was the strangest barrier for me. I treated Theil poorly, blamed him for abuses done to me in the past, I came around to what I was doing - but it scared me, I didn’t know myself. We eventually ended our relationship because he needed more and I didn’t know where to begin with managing the Ef’s. Months later he returned and we talked it through. He was in a better space and so was I. Theil wanted to have kids and get married, I let him go and went overseas, far from my home country. I was not able to commit to a relationship then because I needed to know myself better; a family deserved nothing less. Overseas I met a man with a fierce soul and quiet resolve, the strongest biological connection ever, all too familiar and strange —- a poetic balance; it was the first time I experienced intimacy with no Ef triggers. I grew from this.

It was worth the wait. I am open to a love and family. It feels good to be present.

Bria, you asked about thoughts on how to express what you are feeling to your partner. For me, taking the time to love myself intimately helped me to connect with my body in a healthy way; to reinforce positive sensations that I needed to experience to free myself from the emotional flashback. Connecting with my body is physical and spiritual - Native American mythologies about the earth and womanhood open me up to know myself intimately (I share this because sex is physiological yet the mind shapes our expression) With my last partner, I asked for what I wanted to feel - going slow - letting myself open up to feel and know sex with calm and relaxation, building up to excitement and vigor. Eventually I didn’t flee, fight, or freeze, if I did have this urge, I explained to my partner in the moment through a visualization of what is happening and that it would pass when he helped me to write over the memory. I asked him to rewrite the memory with me, and he loved that. In the beginning we initiated our sex play with simple gentle pleasures - going slow until I felt ok to continue.

I hope my share helps you to find a comfortable and fun way to release the sensations (EF) you feel with your SO :  )

Hello Truth,

I felt trapped listening to your story — I am sorry you went through that, your parents were not parents at that point; they were sick.  I can relate to Richard Gannon's Statement about ones body reading reality as unsafe and your response to the damage; depression. I had a similar experience when I left my family of origin, after feeling trapped in an abusive family system. One thing I did to restore my sense of self was travelling. When I was eighteen I lived overseas in Italy and went to school — it was the beginning of me coming out and leaving behind the dissociation. The theory was to experience how other families deal with problems —- it worked, I cried a lot and then I lived (I discovered laughter, flirting, adult play, etc) I sought experiences that were life giving and those dark memories started to fade.

Your world did change that day —-  yet, it doesnt define who you are. In the 'Body that keeps the score' there is a chapter about our brains being rewired through new experiences that can start with meditation and mindfulness. I experienced this through hot yoga many years later (a deep release of pain) —- literally being pushed out of my body while I looked at myself in the mirror.

Boy 22 has it right - we are all survivors, sharing, healing, and learning.  In your acknowledgment  here and in all our responses, may you find a way through your pain that will open you up to all the possibilities you are capable of.

Truth, you are welcome.

In fact, I reread the post you made and the responses — there is more I would like to share about this topic: power imbalances, how empowerment can heal trauma, femininity expressed in a masculine workplace and so on,...  (new thread possibly) I was fortunate to have worked in a male dominated field for ten years coming into my own as a woman; reliving trauma with all sorts of men, some supportive, some crossing boundaries, all the while being comfortable in my own skin (mind, spirit, body) sometimes the EF triggers would take hold but they didn't last long nor influence the core of who I was in that workspace—- finding the line between healthy banter and oppressive behaviors that needed to be called out.

I hope your friend is able to restore her power through healthy connections that push her out of the trauma.

4. Love isn’t infatuation.

Hearing where you are makes me happy for you - moving through all those sensations to a calm relaxed state, is humbling. It frightened me at first because it was new. Once I sat with it for a bit, the sensations (EF responses, natural chemical states) fell away. I have this theory that ‘walking’ in love regenerates itself over and over again (its different each time, more intense with the same partner)— every time one goes through it, it releases baggage becoming more pure or authentic? is a better word. 

Enjoy discovering who you are as you come to know love more deeply.

Thank you for sharing your story with 'going back.' It was inspiring to read about you being where you are — and being ok with that. I am going through a similar growth spurt. 

  'just have to try to recreate this feeling'

I am with you on that, rainagain :  )
like LilyTV highlighted - a  beautiful way forward

'I even coped with something I have previously not coped with, I'm a bit stronger'

About the sleeping problem — sorry if you have already tried it but wanted to put it out there. before I was diagnosed with ADD I too, had a sleeping problem (it was bad) —- some things that helped were: valerian root at night and excessive exercise (hot yoga).

  Online what??? Enjoy the peace time.

  for you — know that you are cared for; may the bleakness pass soon. Enjoy your search for a stellar therapist! You deserve nothing less.

Slim :  ) Congratulations on finding blood family!

Enjoy getting to know one another (filling in the blanks and making new experiences)  - sometimes not thinking too much about it helps. I was in a similar situation when my brother and I found our father 26yrs. later through family and children services. It’s weird, for sure - hahaha I am SO happy for you - a chance to make a connection and to grow with one another is gift.

*milk

I hop e you dont mind a firm tell of this city, I promise it ends well:

Word is the cluitter (homeless) in the streets is a penal policy gone wrong. The arrogance is astounding. It takes one moment with someone less fortunate to see lightt. When we left the British ‘fiefdom’ in a rage for freedom we forgot how to take care of one another. Likewise the cushy ‘fiefers’ forgot how to fight for what they believe in and so, they are left to take pleasure in ripping apart that ‘joie de vive’ to feel alive-like. Resources. What if everyone had what they needed (Maslov) to be themselves? The transformation of such a people/place would be an epic affair, worthy of children.

*milk

They are healing tears  Thank you LilyITV and Three Roses.

Acknowledgement.

“Any black woman who has spent extensive time in the U.S. will develop some form of PTSD” she professed, after I shared my story. She is my therapist, a doctor of psychology with practice in war torn communities. “I see your struggle, I see your strength” (me: breaking a smile after a tear)

Aside: this post is best heard through the Amour track by Phelian, the Quadruvium Album

This city is sure ugly but you know what — in the last month I have met some genuine folk, soberly infectious, just enough to awaken something in me. I need good people, I cant do it alone — these folk remind me of that. I may be triggered everyday and a bit hyper-vigilant, rightly so, yet I know myself so much, that I can catch a downward spiral mid-air and flip it to a changed reality that takes me where I want to go. I am on my way spiraling and flipping.

For those of you who may feel lost — this post is for YOU and the reality you imagine.

*milk