Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

If you can accept virtual hugs, large or small, I send them. I also have been thinking of you constantly and am not sure I can offer anything except my care and concern. Your journey continues through this inexplicable life. I'm here for you. My hope is that you find, use and embrace all the resources you need.

[Hope67]

I am also here for you Armee, and offering you a supportive hug, if you want one 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thinking of you, Armee, and offering hugs if you want them. Take it one day at a time. I've been through this process if you need to chat.

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I am thinking of you during this time. 

[Armee]

 

Thank you for the hugs and support.  My sis is still in town and my aunts are being awesome emotional supports and my cousin and sister in law are helping with my daughter. We're almost done clearing out the house, which we are powering thru before sis leaves.

It's done. The constant PTSD trigger. It's over. I may have more hardships...you never know what life will bring...but that trauma is now over. I feel my brain trying to process memories but not hanging onto anything long enough. But I can feel that part coming and it'll be bearable. Also almost perfect timing, T is midway through his EMDR training and already practicing with clients under good supervision. We'll start EMDR Sept 8. I think we'll be able to work through things with EMDR in a few months to half a year and then I think I'm good to go.

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Armee, 

Whoa! warp speed can happen when people care. I'm SO happy your surrounded by emotional support from family. Clearing out the house so soon?!? Impressive. Totally. Completely!

Serendipity sometimes showers blessings..your T going through EMDR training, your relatives being in town, your strength to power through everything in the last months.

[Armee]

It's been a week since my mom passed away. My sister I got the house mostly cleaned out. Save furniture and china and a few things that need to be dealt with. Luckily her house is immaculate and I'll just need to replace a couple screens and paint baseboards and shelves and then it should be good to go. Lots more to do on the paperwork side of things.

My sister left this morning to go back home and last night we through a casual memorial party for my mom in her backyard for her neighbors. We did it very last minute just planning that afternoon and sending out invitations over text. It turned out really just perfect. The neighbors were very sweet and loving and had been in the same position as us, watching her harm herself and trying to help but feeling pretty stuck. The only difference is they had golden child status and they didn't have decades of trauma that was being triggered by their interactions with her.

Physically I am exhausted. So exhausted. But emotionally I feel pretty at peace. The hopelessness and stuckness are gone. There's nothing I have to try to maneuver or figure out. I'm free to live my life without the trauma.

That said, my insomnia is back and I keep waking up from gruesome nightmares.

TW


Last night I dreamed my sister and I were helping my mom up her stairs, but instead of being disabled from illness it was from morbid obesity (a phase she went through, but has been thin for close to a couple decades now).  In the dream my mom was capable of walking up the steps but was intentionally pulling us down and so we loosely let go of her, not enough that she would fall but enough that she felt unsupported. In the dream she panicked and grabbed my sister around the throat and started strangling and choking and choking her. And I was still holding my mom up to keep her from falling backward and trying to figure out how to save my sister too.

[sanmagic7]

hey armee,

that dream sounds like your brain reprocessing the trauma you've gone thru with your M, as if now that she is gone, the threat, fear, anxiety and all the rest can now whisper away from your mind, but the gist of what you've gone thru with her is still floating around.  i think emdr will really help you with this - i know it's helped me a lot with various types of traumatic experiences - and your brain will soon be at peace.  sending love and a hug filled with letting the past be and staying there.   

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, 

I'm firmly with san:

the gist of what you've gone thru with her is still floating around.

I had a similar experience after an "empty chair" technique years ago, after my M's death. IMO, having the perpetrator gone is allowing the mind to come up with all the years of repressed feelings. My mind had permission to express the reddest, hottest, most primitive anger which a person can feel. It didn't last. But occasionally, these things come up and although distressing, are a part of your mind's drive towards healing and wholeness. Just pamper yourself if you feel like it. or ease up on your to do list temporarily. Everyone has a different reaction to trauma, do what feels right for you.

Having that little memorial service was a good thing. Even pieces of it which were genuine and authentic help.

Allow that exhaustion, keep riding the waves of whatever comes. You've come through the worst of it.

[Snowdrop]

I've just caught up with your journal, Armee. Sending you love and support.

[Armee]

Always so much wisdom!

Snowdrop: thanks for catching up and for the hug. 

Bee; thank you for the reminder to accept this process.

San: you are 2000% right. Thank you.


I'm actually ok with the nightmares as I know it IS my brain processing stuff that wasn't safe to process before. I've been expecting this. I'm ticked off about the insomnia though! I had such bad insomnia for about 6 years and it finally went away about 6 months ago. I know it can be a vicious  cycle and don't want to ride that ride again.

But sweet hubby pulled the weighted blanket out of the closet and made the bed with it last night. It was such a caring act as he doesn't care for it. But he picked it out for me for christmas to help with the insomnia.💛💛💛

And last night was the first night in a week that I didn't startle awake from a nightmare. I had nightmares but they didn't wake me fully like they had been.

I had also been having terrible muscle knots and swelling and pain and that went away when my mom passed. Even though there is still lots of mundane stress. The psychological stress is gone. Today I was dealing with leave paperwork for work, the estate attorney, the investment attorney, real estate agent, signing my daughter up for covid testing, and cleaning up after her baking escapades, and driving my son to and from school and many other things. But no knots. I'm tired but I'm fine.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Day 2 of weighted blanket, day 2 of not waking up from nightmares. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hallelujah! Wonderful respite from consciousness or unconsciousness!