I have the usual CPTSD stuff, hyper-awareness, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues, self-imposed social isolation but what's bothering me lately is worry.
I worry all damn day. And most of the night. About things that are legitimate, and things that haven't happened yet and may not happen for a decade or more. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night on average because my mind won't stop going over and over these things, and if I "resolve" one worry, another one instantly takes its place. The one "resolved" often comes back after a while.
It's usually much worse when I have something going on, like I'm filing to get legal custody of my kids back right now, and I think that's probably what's got me in high worry gear. Family court has been a real crap shoot for me, I hate it, there's no telling what they'll decide. My ex is ASPD and does well lying in court. I don't really have the funds to pay more if the lawyer wants it, and she hasn't finished the paperwork yet, I'm anxious to get it filed soon so that we can be seen by one of the decent judges before the judicial reassignments in January. It goes on and on and on. It's getting debilitating.
I'm against SSRIs, have a scrip for ativan as needed and I use it as little as possible. I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it. I don't seem to have success meditating and therapy is out because 1) I can't afford it and 2) I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and it's been useful during crises but sitting long term crying in front of someone about the same things over and over is too much for me, I literally hate going. I had one session of EMDR and had such a strong physical reaction (I was dry heaving so hard I thought I'd make my stomach bleed) that I can't bring myself to do it again. A lot of my reluctance to go to therapy other than financial is that I don't trust people and can't stand to open up, therapists are no exception. The whole process makes me really uncomfortable and I look for excuses not to go.
I'm just wondering ... does anyone else with CPTSD have issues getting stuck in a worry rut and what other ways have you found to deal with it? Thanks for reading!
I worry all damn day. And most of the night. About things that are legitimate, and things that haven't happened yet and may not happen for a decade or more. I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night on average because my mind won't stop going over and over these things, and if I "resolve" one worry, another one instantly takes its place. The one "resolved" often comes back after a while.
It's usually much worse when I have something going on, like I'm filing to get legal custody of my kids back right now, and I think that's probably what's got me in high worry gear. Family court has been a real crap shoot for me, I hate it, there's no telling what they'll decide. My ex is ASPD and does well lying in court. I don't really have the funds to pay more if the lawyer wants it, and she hasn't finished the paperwork yet, I'm anxious to get it filed soon so that we can be seen by one of the decent judges before the judicial reassignments in January. It goes on and on and on. It's getting debilitating.
I'm against SSRIs, have a scrip for ativan as needed and I use it as little as possible. I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it. I don't seem to have success meditating and therapy is out because 1) I can't afford it and 2) I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and it's been useful during crises but sitting long term crying in front of someone about the same things over and over is too much for me, I literally hate going. I had one session of EMDR and had such a strong physical reaction (I was dry heaving so hard I thought I'd make my stomach bleed) that I can't bring myself to do it again. A lot of my reluctance to go to therapy other than financial is that I don't trust people and can't stand to open up, therapists are no exception. The whole process makes me really uncomfortable and I look for excuses not to go.
I'm just wondering ... does anyone else with CPTSD have issues getting stuck in a worry rut and what other ways have you found to deal with it? Thanks for reading!